Christmas Vent

Jacks2913 · December 2011

After a conversation with my fiance about how excited I was that my sister had Christmas night off--she's a dr--and that she'd be able to have dinner with us at my parents, he sends me a text message saying he wants to have dinner with his parents and suggests I come with him. Needless to say, I'm a little upset. It's my last Christmas at home with my parents and I was really looking forward to spending it with them, even more so after finding out my sister and brother-in-law would be there.

We'll be spending Christmas Eve with his side of the family. There really wouldn't be any other time on Christmas Day to see his parents because he works until 4pm. I feel like I'm being selfish and I really don't want to argue with him over this, but I can't help feeling upset. How do other people decide which family to spend the holidays with??

acaponi87 · December 2011

Have dinner with your family if you want!

FI and I do a nice combo of together and separate. We live together, out-of-state so being able to spend time with our family when we can is important. I'll go to his Uncle's party on Thurs, He'll come to my family party on Fri. Christmas eve he goes to Saginaw to be with his family and then maybe will stop by my house in the evening. On Christmas we go our separate ways and then I will head over to his family's christmas at night.

Like you said, it's your last Christmas with your family. There's no rule saying you guys can't both be with your families.

emarston1 · December 2011

I'm confused why you can't have Christmas dinner with your family once you are married?

You don't have to argue but you both need to come to an agreement on how you are going to handle holidays and stick to it. So maybe this year, you both go to your parents and next year you go to his. Or this year you go your separate ways and once you are married, figure out a system together, so you see both families equal amount.

I don't think you are being selfish but you definitely have to talk to him about it. I mean it's natural that he would want to spend time with his family just like you want to spend time with yours.

DH and I decided over a year ago how we were going to handle holidays once we were married. My family lives in Minnesota, his is in Kzoo. One family gets Thanksgiving the other gets Christmas. Then the next year it switches - no matter what (hear that MIL?!) Obviously family is important to both of you so you will need to talk about this (no arguments are necessary) and come to an agreement on how you will proceed.

A good jumping off point would be starting with logistics of who will be available when and working from there.

Meegles4 · December 2011

Liz is wise.

Personally, I think Christmas is just about the easiest dang holiday to handle when married because there are two days of it -- perfect for two families! (Clearly my world is very cut and dry, until we have kids, then things get complicated, also complicating things would be if your families lived far away from each other). Anyway, if you're already spending Christmas Eve with his family, I don't think it's selfish at all to want to spend Christmas Day with yours -- and to want him to celebrate with you.

However, it sounds like you guys really haven't had this talk before, so I can understand why he's not being the most cooperative. You need to talk to him about it, express your wants, and come to a compromise. Perhaps this year, because it's so late in planning, you need to agree to spend Christmas Day separately. But, maybe you also agree that once you're married you'll spend Christmas Eve with one side and Christmas Day with the other. Sometimes these things take an adjustment period, so starting the conversation now -- even if nothing changes until next year -- is good.

Edited for clarity.

entropicbeauty · December 2011

well Christmas is FI's birthday, so I will always defer to what he wants to do for this particular holiday. My family doesn't make a particularly big deal out of Xmas anyways, so they are hardly offended if I don't make it to whatever dinner they put together.

This year it's irrelevant because my immediate family is going to visit my sister & BIL in illinois (can't take time off work, so I won't be going), so it's obvious that we'll only be going to FI's family stuff.

For things like Thanksgiving though, we always make it to both family things, we just always end up WAY too full because we end up going to 2-3 "dinners".

Allycat11 · December 2011

I definitely see where both of you are coming from but as a couple you need to compromise and figure out what you plan on doing for holidays in the future.

DH and I had this conversation very early on in our relationship. I was adopted and am close with my biological family in addition to my actual family, so we have 4 different immediate families that want to see us, and they live in Metro Detroit, Chicago, East Lansing and far west Michigan (Grand Haven). We first of all looked at traditions and figured out when the most important things were happening in each family. We both stated which traditions were most important to us. Once we had the non-negotiables down, we tried to find the most logical way to fit in the rest without driving back and forth. Is it perfect, no...are we missing things, yes. But, marriage is about compromise and we are happy with our current arrangement. We have agreed that once we have children, we will need to re-evaluate our holiday plans. At that time we want it to involve less driving, unfortunately that means we will see less people.

For this situation, I think you should talk it over and decide what makes the two of you happiest.

theleos · December 2011

FMIL lives in AZ. She came in yesterday and will stay until the 29^th. We get up Christmas morning and do gifts with her and FSIL. We then go to my parents’ house mid-morning until late afternoon, then head to his grandpas for the extended family Christmas. (Rochester to St. Clair Shores to Plymouth back to Rochester). It’s an exhausting day, but we like doing both. We’ve talked about doing a Christmas in AZ, which is hard for me to imagine not being with my family- but why should he not be with his. And I figure it’ll be easier to go to AZ now, then when we have kids. (then we’ll dominate Christmas and have them all come to our house J)

TheFutureMrsB81 · December 2011

I think you should be able to do what you want and that you're not being selfish. Nothing wrong with doing seperate and together Christmas'.

I guess I'm a bit selfish. Since I'm 30, have 2 boys of my own, and have been a single woman till last year, I've always done Christmas with my parents. That will NEVER change. I'm not taking the only normality my children have (who are both special needs) to accomodate his family. If they want to do Christmas, they can come over the morning of, but really, they're out of town most of the time for holidays. I know I sound like an ass, but Christmas for my boys is the only thing I wont compromise on and he knows that and is ok with it. This year is the first year his parents will be here for Christmas, so they're just coming over Christmas morning then we're going to my parents.

db1985 · December 2011

I don't think you are being selfish at all, especially if you are spending Christmas Eve with them. He shouldnt expect you to give up both days if both sides of your family are in town (if you were out of town it would be a different story, both days or neither) Talk it over with your fiances. My fiance's family all live out of state. We did Thanksgiving with his grandparents and we will be going our seperate ways for Christmas (he'll be flying home to visit family and friends and I will be spending the holidays with my family). Next year when we are married we will come up with a method of rotating the holidays, one side will have Thanksgiving and that long weekend. The other side will have Christmas and Christmas eve. I've even heard of some couples who continue splitting up over the holidays. Whatever works best for you!

Sue-n-Kevin · December 2011

FutureMrsB81, you don't sound like an ass. Trust me, I've walked in your shoes. I raised my son alone and the only family he had (before his half sister was born) was me and my parents.

Jacks2913, you have been given great advice. It takes communication and compromise to make this work.

I'd rather take any of your situations than mine (except maybe Allycat's....... I don't have to deal with long distances). I have to arrange Thanksgiving and Xmas around FOUR families: Mine, my hubby Kevin's, my daughter's Dad's family, and HIS WIFE's family. (OT: Make sure you are marrying the right guy (if not already married) because dealing with ex's and their spouse's families just make this a friggin nightmare.)

I had the perfect answer this year: my son is coming home late Thursday night, so I arranged to have my family Xmas (just my parents) on Friday night, the 23rd. Kevin has to work, but if we have dinner around 4 or 5 my folks can get home before it's too dark (they are over 80). With our dinner Friday night, my daughter is free to do whatever with her Dad's family (who always celebrates Xmas Eve night) and his wife's family the next 2 days, and I can go to Kevin's Mom's and visit with his family on either or both days.

It seemed like the perfect answer until I talked to my son yesterday: he will be here all day on the 23rd, but has a work conference call at 1 pm and "wants to see his friends that night before Xmas Eve/Xmas day, because they'll be tied up". I told him in no uncertain terms that I have arranged our holiday dinner around FOUR FREAKING FAMILY'S SCHEDULES and we are having dinner on the 23rd. It is early enough that it shouldn't intrude on his "friend" time. He will be home for 10 days, it's not like he won't see his friends at any other time. So, he's either there or not. I was grateful we could have an extra day to plan things because it's tough with several families doing stuff on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day.

Count your blessings.

Oh, and I meant to add: I was exhausted Thanksgiving night after getting up at 6 am to make dinner for my family. Kevin went to visit his siblings & Mom without me. I didn't hear a peep about how it was rude or unnatural that I didn't go. You don't have to do EVERYTHING together. People understand.

sparkles776 · December 2011

I dont think you are being selfish at all. If anyone is being selfish, it is your FI (not trying to be mean). He shouldnt expect you to spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family, that is not fair to you and your family. Honestly, my FI was the same way last Christmas, he had a hard time giving up one of the days with his family and they had a hard time dealing with it, i was willing to give up one day with my family but not both, so we went our seperate ways. This year since we are engaged everyone seems more willing to compromise, we are spending Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with mine. Everyone seems happy with it.

I definitely agree with the other ladies, you should definitely come to a compromise and have a plan for the holidays before you guys get married.

Klyn1983 · December 2011

Like all the above ladies said, compromise is key.

FI and I dealt with this issue very early on, both of us are very family oriented and none of his previous girlfriends asked him to come with them to their side of the holiday. So it was a bit of an eye-opener for him. Thankfully he realized that it would be horribly unfair for us to just go to his side and not find time to go to mine. (Especially since we live so close to his family and mine are over an hour away!)

Christmas Eve is FI's birthday, but I told him that he couldn't have both days. (this sounds much snarkier written down than it was lol) Birthday or not, it's still Christmas. So he decided that he wanted to be with his family on Christmas and mine on Christmas Eve. But we are throwing him a small surprise birthday party to make up for the fact that he won't be with his family on his b-day.

@entropicbeauty, don't think that just because it's his birthday that you have to put your wishes and family traditions aside. Especially since it's a holiday, your FI should be understanding and compromising. (Also, I celebrate his half-birthday so he gets the full birthday experience. It works wonders because then he feels like he's already had "his day" and can focus on Christmas)

larzhope · December 2011

We live 2500 miles away from our families - H's family is in Chicago, mine is in Detroit. We are in Seattle

Up until last year, we both went to our own families. Last year, because we hadnt met each other's extended families, we did both (flew to chicago, drove straight to detroit, stayed until EARLY Xmas morning, drove to Chicago, stayed for 4 days, flew back to Seattle). We also had a shitton of wedding stuff to do and it was a miserable "vacation".

This year we stayed here and are having xmas with friends. We just saw the families for the wedding in September and we decided to start our own tradition. no clue what we will do next year.

Christmas Vent

Re: Christmas Vent

Choose Another Board

Search Boards