Registries make me uncomfortable, so....wwyd?

MBeezKneez · July 2012

My immediate family is pretty militantly anti-gift-registry. When I mentioned I wanted to make one so guests that haven't seen me in, say, 20 years (my father's side of the family) might have an idea of what to get, my family went nutso.

Thing is...I decided to set one up anyway, so FI and I went to Target and started clicking around...and I just feel WEIRD about it. It was overwhelming have to decide on specific brands and styles and amounts for each individual item. I'm a pretty laissez-faire kind of girl; if I have two dishes that match it's because I found them by accident and thought they were pretty, y'know? Funny thing is, he feels the same way. He and I also both felt kind of weird and greedy, like kids given permission to tell Santa Claus EXACTLY what to bring them.

So...we decided to stop and think about it, and come back later. Thing is, 'later' has happened, and we both still think a registry is 'weird' and counter to our personal beliefs. Thing is...we also want to avoid getting 10 toasters because people don't know what to get us. Eeeefffff.

Should we make a registry, even though we think it's weird, to give people an idea of what we need (the simple answer is: everything. We currently live in my parents' house and I have no household supplies at all)? Or should we leave it be and trust our guests' judgment?

If I'd realized this was going to happen I would've made a wedding website. It's a bit late now, however. Bah humbug.

ETA: Yes, I realize it's pretty damn late for a registry anyway. Just chalk it up to a culture difference between my social circle/family and what TK considers the norm, please.

kaceymarie · July 2012

i think it's a good idea you set one up. it would suck to get 10 toasters as you say. it just makes things easier imo.

mmmendi · July 2012

We went through Target today and created one. FI is gung-ho, I was uncomfortable to the point of crabby

If you live with your parents, this is a great opportunity to guide your guests whom anxiously want to gift you! Much simpler than items you don't want, can't use, dislike - and simpler than returns!

jerseychic24 · July 2012

I saw do what feels most comfortable for the two of you

morenachica110 · July 2012

The thing with registries is that its just a guidline for people who want to use it. "Santa" doesn't have to buy you anything, but if he wasn't sure because maybe he hasn't "seen" you in 20 years, then it may help. Personally, I LOVE buying off of registries. I don't have to worry about whether the couple like it or not (because they picked it out!). The thing is to have a wide variety of prices. We have stuff starting at about 4 bucks going to our most expensive item (a Shark vacuum) at $199.

hoffse · July 2012

I agree you should do whatever you want - but then don't feel weird when you do open 10 toasters. Personally, I'm more of a generic crystal vase person than a toaster person for couples who don't register. Many people will just give you cash because they will interpret no registry as a subtle request for cash - that to me is not the message I'd want to send, but it's up to you. It's pretty much the only "acceptable" way to hint for cash.

FI and I have extensive registries. We're inviting around 300 people, and it looks like my shower is going to be fairly large as well. While money would be nice, he is going to be out of town at school for 2 more years while I'm working, so we're not going to be buying a house anytime soon anyway - but kitchen appliances that actually work and dishes that aren't chipped would be a dream come true.

Oh and PP is right - registries are just guidelines, not invoices. Plenty of people go off of them anyway, even if you have them. As long as you have a range (ours is $0.75-$450) that can accommodate people who don't want to spend much all the way up to those who want to give you a nice group gift, you are fine.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

I would personally do a small registry so people have an idea what you like. Some guests will insist on giving a physical gift, registry or not. Without one, they have no idea what your tastes are or what you already own. This gives them a road map.

Are you uncomfortable with the idea of people giving gifts in general or just feel weird "telling" people what you want? I think for the first, people are going to give gifts anyhow, so you might as well give them a good idea of what would be nice to get. Otherwise you might end up with gifts you can't use/don't want, and if they don't give you a gift receipt, you may not be able to return it and are stuck with it. You may also get duplicates, like your 10 toasters scenario.

Simply Fated · July 2012

My family is the same way, so I understand what you're saying. I get the weirdness factor, too.

Yes, you run the risk of getting multiple toasters, but there is a chance to get multiple items, even if you do register.

With no registry, people useually give cash/checks, anyway. Otherwise, they might ask you want you would like and you can always tell them, "well, we're saving up for X."

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, bottom line.

julie279 · July 2012

I would do one - maybe just at Target? We actually have 3. It did feel a little weird doing them, but in the end I figure people will want to get us gifts, and this way, they will hopefully get us something we want, not like you said, 10 toasters! One of our registries is at Target, and there's a lot of things there, like pots and pans, sheets, towels. Maybe just stick to more of the "normal" weddingy stuff like that.

reppunzel · July 2012

I can understand it feeling weird, esp. if it's not a popular thing in your family, but on the other side, it can really, really be a big help to people buying for you. You aren't being greedy (and the people who know and love you know that!), but you are communicating not just what you need but your style, taste, color preferences, etc.

I used to be pretty "meh" about registries until a friend didn't do one for her shower(s). She was a close friend, but still, I had no idea what colors she wanted for her new home, what things she/her FI had, what they didn't etc.

As it turned out, she didn't get 10 toasters, but she did get 4 or 5 sets of glass baking/casserole dishes. What made it worse was hearing her FSIL complaining during the shower about the duplicates, which made me pretty angry (and, no, I hadn't been one of the dish-givers).

Ali092011 · July 2012

TBH, I think it would be confusing to your guests if you didn't register. FI and I were both a bit uncomfortable as well, but people do want to buy you wedding gifts, and you might as well get something you like. Usually, the people who don't register are people who don't need anything. As you said, you're just starting out, and you need plenty. As a guest of your wedding, I'd want to buy you something nice but practical, like a vacuum or food processor, but I would hesitate because I wouldn't want you to have to deal with duplicates.

Do some research, spend some time in Macy's or BBB, browse online, and I guarantee you will feel more comfortable after. Then register for as much as you're comfortable with. You don't have to register for everything from a KitchenAide mixer to ice cube trays--just register for enough that your guests have a guide.

It's not required to register, so with all that said, if it still makes you feel icky, skip it. I'd just hate for you to end up with a bunch of gifts you have no use for just because your family doesn't like registries.

egm900 · July 2012

As PP said, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. The only reason I would recommend registering is because you're currently living with your parents, and I assume you'll be moving out soon. This is going to be the one time in your life where people will want to buy you things to help furnish your home, and it sounds like you currently have nothing. If anything, it will let people know what you need. You can purchase these things later with any gift cards or money that is given to you, but if you were overwhelmed while trying to register, I don't foresee doing it with cash/gift cards as any easier, there will still be a lot of brands you're picking from, etc.

I don't think you're too late to register, you still have 7 weeks until your wedding, I know many couples that start their registry months in advance, but don't really finalize or get a lot of gifts on there until about a month before. It's easier to make one if you can make a list of the things you need before you even walk in a store and also add to it online.

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registries-make-me-uncomfortable-sowwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2b98af9c-0730-4cf0-9778-b2b089dec3d6Post:8810543d-1c94-4c72-90dd-a61f7756ca74">Re: Registries make me uncomfortable, so....wwyd?</a>:
[QUOTE]As PP said, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. The only reason I would recommend registering is because you're currently living with your parents, and I assume you'll be moving out soon. This is going to be the one time in your life where people will want to buy you things to help furnish your home, and it sounds like you currently have nothing. If anything, it will let people know what you need. You can purchase these things later with any gift cards or money that is given to you, but if you were overwhelmed while trying to register, I don't foresee doing it with cash/gift cards as any easier, there will still be a lot of brands you're picking from, etc. I don't think you're too late to register, you still have 7 weeks until your wedding, I know many couples that start their registry months in advance, but don't really finalize or get a lot of gifts on there until about a month before. It's easier to make one if you can make a list of the things you need before you even walk in a store and also add to it online.
Posted by egm900[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you'd feel more comfortable if you rearranged your thoughts to be about what it's like to buy a gift. Think about every time you've had to buy a gift for someone. Personally, I think it can be nerve-wracking. <em>Will they like what I've gotten them? Do they need this? Am I buying them what I like or what they like? </em>Think of a registry as a way to simplify things for your guests. Think about what you think would be fun to give as gifts. That sounds weird since ultimately it's for you, but what if your fiance and you split up - and he registered for things he thought you'd like, and you registered for things you thought he'd like? Maybe there would end up some overlap, but certainy not 10 toasters worth. </div>

MBeezKneez · July 2012

Thank you for the advice, everyone. A registry at Target is probably our best bet if we're going to do it, simply because they have decent variety in the price range that I'm even remotely comfortable with asking for gifts in, and they're everywhere.

My next question might be more suited for Etiquette, I don't know. How do you spread word of a registry when the only truly common denominator in your guestlist is...well...you? The traditional route of giving the info to parents and bridal party won't really work out so well in this case, and I've read up enough to know it's incredibly rude for us to volunteer the information ourselves. Do we just hold onto it until/unless someone asks us?

I'm massively insecure and really hate 'screwing up' so I don't want to do anything that will make people gossip about me. >_<

egm900 · July 2012

You can either put it on a website, or wait until someone asks. I personally Google the couple's name and more often than not find the registry. If someone throws you a shower, it's fine for that information to be included with the shower invitation.

One of my BM's rules of thumb is don't register for anything you wouldn't buy yourself, and I think it's a pretty good one. For one thing, most stores offer a completiong discount, some requiring the item to actually appear on the registry to get it, so a lot of us have added an item or two solely to get the discount after the wedding. You can always return items if you decide later that you would have rathered a higher quality/different model, etc. We've decided that on our wine glasses, but we received some of them at a shower, so we might as well wait until after the wedding and exchange them for the pattern we want.

Most things that are puchased from a registry are easier to return. There is nothing wrong with a small registry- you can always easily add to it online if people are buying a lot of the things.

MBeezKneez · July 2012

I actually really like that "don't add anything you wouldn't buy" idea. It makes things seem a little less grabby. :P

cosmogirlWed144626 · July 2012

Keep in mind that the original idea of the gift registry was to let people know one's china, silver, and glassware patterns.

After everyone got computers, the obnoxious 10-page registries were born.

If you're not comfortable registering, then don't. It's meant to be a helpful tool for your friends and family, but they presumably know you well enough to pick something you'd like anyway.

Personally, I registered for a very few items I wanted, but I didn't want/have a shower either.

Best wishes!

ladyomnipotent · July 2012

You won't get 10 toasters if you don't have a registry. Don't worry about that. If you do get more than one of the same item, you can just return it. No big deal.

If registries make you uncomfortable, don't do one. Just spread some ideas about what you'd like via word of mouth. People aren't helpless fools; they'll figure out something to get you.

jsd1013 · July 2012

'The whole idea of a shower made me uncomfortable, as I am in my early 40's and am not "starting out." Registering for gifts made me very uncomfortale as well, as we combined two households and do not need sheets, towels, etc., so I had planned to skip it. In my circles, the whole point of the shower is to give the bride gifts, and since we only have a few months between booking and wedding, I assumed (shame on me) that no one was planning one.

As our wedding date approached, "it came to my attention" that a surprise shower was being planned. Once my invites were out and I had a few minutes to think about it, I asked myself the "How would I feel if..." question. I started to think about how difficult it can be to choose a gift for someone. I thought about how little spare time I have, and how annoyed I would be if I had to put a lot of thought into a shower gift for someone if I had no idea what they really needed or wanted.

So, I started a registry, but it was too late because my shower was a few days later (and everyone I asked REFUSED to give me a remote clue as to when it was.) I felt as though my shower was very awkward. I could tell that some of the guests were annoyed that I had not registered, and some even decided to tell me that as I was opening gifts.

I wish I had spent more time on this board.... it never occured to me that not registering might imply that I wanted cash. While I did not receive 10 toasters, I did receive cash and checks, and I felt terrible about it. I never thought that anyone would give me cash, which I do not need or want, and actually think is inappropriate for a shower gift.

My advice to anyone "on the fence" about registering: Don't do it because you feel obligated to, but find a way (bridesmaids, Mom, etc.) to give guests SOME idea about what to get you. I do think personal gifts just for the bride are OK (probably not a flat iron) like a spa gift card to get her hair done for the wedding or something to wear on the honeymoon.

While I appreciate the shower that was given to me, if I had to go through this again I would have insisted that it not be surprise so that I could plan better (I have no idea how I am going to manage to get thank-you's out before the wedding) and I would have done a simple registry at a an easily accessible store, like Bed Bath or Target.

Just my 2 cents.

Peledreamsofrain · August 2012

It might provide comfort to re-adjust your perception of regestries over just a scootch. I kind of felt weird about it too for my wedding, but I always reminded myself how relieved I was when I was a guest, and someone had a registry I could view and utilize.

Think of how much anxiety you are relieving foryour guests, how much worry they don't have to carry that they are the ones giving you the 11th toaster. Nobody wants to do that. And nobody wants to give you something that you absolutely hate.

You're actually being a gracious host, and keeping your guests' comfort forefront in your list of priorities. As long as you exclude them from your invitations, and DONT force registry information on people (ech, hate that), they remain useful tools for your guests. Not grabby demands for gifts.

Registries make me uncomfortable, so....wwyd?

Re: Registries make me uncomfortable, so....wwyd?

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