Asked to be an Honorary Bridesmaid?

MeganAngela · August 2012

So, my SIL got engaged last night and she texted DH today and asked him if I'd want to be an honorary bridesmaid. Is it wrong that I'm a little hurt by it? I mean, if I'm not going to stand up with her, what's the point? I think it is kind of rude, tbh. If she doesn't want me to stand with her, I'd much rather just be a guest and enjoy it. And, I guess it hurts a little, too, because she was the Maid of Honor in my wedding to DH. Granted, I know she isn't obligated to reciprocate, but I guess it feels like she was important enough to us to actually BE a part of our wedding, and then she gets engaged and wants to give me a pity role. But, of course, I know that part is just me being a little sore.

She says I'll get a flower to show that I'm "special", but that feels like a huge spotlight. I got corsages for all the immediate women in the two families (sister, mothers, grandmothers) and bouts for all the immediate men (fathers and grandfathers). If she wanted to do the same and wanted me to have a corsage, I wouldn't be offended as flowers for family members are quite different in my experience. I'm not even sure that with the "honorary" title she'd want me to participate in all of the bridesmaids activities, so, again, what's the point?

Thoughts? Would it be rude of me to turn it down?

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Not rude to turn it down at all. I think the whole honorary BM thing is total crap. She either wants you in the WP or doesn't.

I would tell her, "Thank you for asking me to be an honorary BM, but I'd really love to just attend your wedding as a guest."

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-an-honorary-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3afa85df-0a0d-40c1-abbc-a12d89a3129cPost:3e46e3b7-7329-4919-9221-a6508adec7f9">Asked to be an Honorary Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my SIL got engaged last night and she texted DH today and asked him if I'd want to be an honorary bridesmaid. Is it wrong that I'm a little hurt by it? I mean, if I'm not going to stand up with her, what's the point? I think it is kind of rude, tbh. If she doesn't want me to stand with her, I'd much rather just be a guest and enjoy it. And, I guess it hurts a little, too, because she was the Maid of Honor in my wedding to DH. Granted, I know she isn't obligated to reciprocate, but I guess it feels like she was important enough to us to actually BE a part of our wedding, and then she gets engaged and wants to give me a pity role. But, of course, I know that part is just me being a little sore. She says I'll get a flower to show that I'm "special", but that feels like a huge spotlight. I got corsages for all the immediate women in the two families (sister, mothers, grandmothers) and bouts for all the immediate men (fathers and grandfathers). If she wanted to do the same and wanted me to have a corsage, I wouldn't be offended as flowers for family members are quite different in my experience. I'm not even sure that with the "honorary" title she'd want me to participate in all of the bridesmaids activities, so, again, what's the point? Thoughts? Would it be rude of me to turn it down?
Posted by MeganAngela[/QUOTE]
No, it's not wrong to be hurt. "Honorary bridesmaid" should be reserved for bridesmaids who are absent for some reason (ill, deployed, deceased). I'd ask her what being an honorary bridesmaid would entail, and I think that you'd be fine to say that you don't need the extra recognition if you're not going to be a bridesmaid.

MeganAngela · August 2012

She's said I'll just get to have a flower and be "recognized". Like I said, sounds kind of rude. In trying to turn her down she was like, "It's an honor! That's why it's called honorary bridesmaid! Don't you want to be honored?". DH suggested to her (without my knowing) that if she really wanted me to be a part of the wedding and not a bridesmaid, that she could get me to do a reading. Honestly, unless they are going to the chapel in the next month or two, it's a bit early to start worrying about readers and all that jazz. I'm hoping they'll just take some time to enjoy their engagement before the drama of the wedding starts. I'm also hoping this isn't a sign of things to come during planning. Oh, dear.

Edit: I should also say that SIL hasn't even personally asked me to do it. She asked DH to ask me, which is rude on top of rude, in my opinion. I mean, if you want me to feel "honored", the least you could do is contact me directly!

libby2483 · August 2012

Yeah, "honorary bridesmaid" in this case sounds like a load of BS. It is really lame of her to "honor" you without making you an actual bridesmaid. I would politely decline and say that you are excited to attend the wedding as a guest. Hopefully she isn't "honoring" other people this way.

kaos16 · August 2012

I wouldn't be hurt at all if someone asked me to be an honorary bridesmaid. . . . . if I was dead or deployed. Assuming neither of those situations apply to you, this sounds like BS. I would politely decline and tell her to take her special flower and shove it.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

Ask her what makes her think you will be hospitalized, dead or deployed for the wedding because these are the only times that honorary BMs or GMs come into play.

sparkellyy · August 2012

I would turn it down. If she just got engaged last night her thoughts will most likely change in the future anyway!

Lolagirl2012 · August 2012

She may feel pressured to have you involved because you're family and doesn't have the stones to just pick who she wants..Or she wants someone to run around and do her biddings all day, without having to worry about you looking perfect for pictures. I've seen honorary bridesmaids in both situation.

IMO.. I would tell her that I so appreciated the gesture but you look forward to being a guest at their wedding. If you're feeling generous, offer to help with some typical BM duties along the way (not that anything is required but showing up sober in the dress they picked out).

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

She may be mixing up her terminology. I think it's fairly common to give flowers to family not in the WP, but perhaps she's caught up in the idea that everyone and everything needs a title. If it were me, I'd say, "I'm glad that you want me to wear a flower, but I think the title is going to confuse people, since it's reserved for absent attendants only. I'll be fine without a title."

MeganAngela · August 2012

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone for their comments.

Apparently she has also asked her cousin and a childhood friend to be "honorary" bridesmaids and is making them be greeters, as well. She still hasn't asked me personally to do anything and is asking through DH (and is now telling him she's looking up passages for me to read during the ceremony, so I guess I'm going to be a reader now?).

Like I said, I guess I'm just burned a little because she was my MOH and DH and I made a big deal about asking her together in person. Now she's getting married and she doesn't even want me in her wedding party, and she is asking my DH about me being an "honorary" bridesmaid/reader/who knows what instead of asking me directly. I imagine that soon I'll be hearing about what I'm "supposed" to wear. And it is all the more amusing because when DH and I got married and told his family we were going to have a small wedding party, his mom threw a huge fit about whether that meant we weren't going to include SIL. Again, I know it is silly of me to be a little hurt by it and she doesn't have to have me in the wedding, so this is just me being sore and venting. This next year of planning is going to be interesting, to say the least!

Again, thanks for everything. I really appreciate the advice!

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

Can you talk to her directly? If she was your MOH, I'm sure you have her contact information and stuff. I'd take her out to lunch or coffee and say honestly that you're really hurt that she doesn't want to talk to you directly about the wedding and see what she says. Passing messages through your DH when it really doesn't concern him at all is just juvenile.

MeganAngela · August 2012

Sorry it has taken me a bit to get back with you all. We've been having some internet troubles lately.

Aerin, I've tried to contact her, but she hasn't been returning my messages. We don't live close enough to one another for me to take her out, so that's out of the question. I can't make her return my texts and calls, so I just have to hope that eventually she decides to contact me. She bought her wedding dress earlier this past week (don't ask me why she's buying her dress over a year in advance and less than a week after her FI popped the question), and called DH to tell him about it, but hung up before they could talk about anything else.

Honestly, I'm going to look at it like this. Unless she asks me to take part in the wedding personally, I'm not going to agree to anything. I'm not going to agree to being an "honorary" bridesmaid, regardless, but I'm not going to agree to being a reader or whatever else she has planned for me. If she gets upset, I'll gently tell her that talking to my DH about my "role" isn't asking me or consulting me on whether I'd accept in the first place.

Retread, you are talking to the choir! DH has tried to tell her that she's being rude and that these "roles" aren't "honors", but she got upset with him and defensive about it, so he just dropped the conversation. She's been in multiple weddings, so you'd think she would know better. Maybe the other weddings she was in had things like this, so she doesn't see the issue. I know we didn't, though! Maybe I should be glad I'm dodging a bullet by not having to help with this one! Silver lining and all!

MeganAngela · August 2012

Quick update. SIL started talking to DH about my being an honorary bridesmaid and he asked her if she'd even asked me. As soon as he did that, she sent me a flurry of messages TELLING me I was going to be an honorary bridesmaid. She also told DH that he was going to be one of her FI's groomsmen. He, too, has not been asked (and he doesn't want to stand up for this guy who he's only talked to in person maybe four times). We don't even know what to say, so I'm probably going to take a step back on it for a day or two. Especially considering that when we "turn down" these roles, there is probably going to be a fair bit of drama, and with tomorrow being my birthday I don't want to stir up up and ruin what I hope will be a good day.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone.

girl_engaged · April 2013

I've been reading up on the "Honorary Bridesmaid" position and came across this thread. I'm just dying to know if you ended up doing it?!?

I was in 2 close cousins weddings and I'm not sure they will be in mine so I was thinking of writing them a letter letting them know that I would love for them to attend ALL the festivites is they would like. Including the bridesmaid luncheon/rehearsal dinner. Is that like a slap in the face though? Argh.. it's difficult.

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