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FMIL conundrum

rsannarsanna member
5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
in Moms and Maids

I have had issues with my FILs before, but things have started to get better.  FMIL wanted to sit down and talk with my parents and get to know them so they did that this past weekend.  It went pretty well besides a few bumps here and there, but she had said something that FI just don't know how to deal with. 

First, she supports the wedding, but she doesn't.  I'm not talking financially, just she wants to support it but she doesn't agree with and then doesn't support it.  I understand if that is confusing.  Second, she wants to be involved in the planning.  This is where FI and I just don't know what to do.  Because she doesn't support it, she doesn't agree with just about any decision we make in regards to it and all of her comments have a passive-aggressive remarks.

Basically, we don't know how to involve her without hearing her complain about it.  Or she wants to kind of pretend the wedding doesn't exist and so we don't bring it up so we don't hurt her.  So we feel like if we involve her, it will hurt her.  If we don't involve her, it will hurt her.  Any advice? 

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Re: FMIL conundrum

  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2012
    That is confusing! She supports you guys getting married but not the way you're doing the wedding?

    Regardless, I would probably not involved her if she is not paying and if she's being difficult/passive aggressive/doesn't support the marriage. I just wouldn't bring up the wedding around her.

    If it seems like she's making an effort and you wanted to make an effort too, I would pick ONE thing to get her input on and get her involved with. What do you think she's be interested in most? For instance, if you decide to let her be involved with choosing the cake, maybe invite her to come to the tasting, ask her opinion about JUST the cake, and take into consideration even if you go another direction. But I would not give her ALL my decisions about the wedding and let her give opinions or it sounds like she'll drive you crazy.


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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dad2710c-c2ad-45be-a7be-efaab5ebf805Post:23a4c90f-e7d7-41ef-829e-23fd8e110c63">FMIL conundrum</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have had issues with my FILs before, but things have started to get better.  FMIL wanted to sit down and talk with my parents and get to know them so they did that this past weekend.  It went pretty well besides a few bumps here and there, but she had said something that FI just don't know how to deal with.  First, she supports the wedding, but she doesn't.  I'm not talking financially, just she wants to support it but she doesn't agree with and then doesn't support it.  I understand if that is confusing.  Second, she wants to be involved in the planning.  This is where FI and I just don't know what to do.  Because she doesn't support it, she doesn't agree with just about any decision we make in regards to it and all of her comments have a passive-aggressive remarks. Basically, we don't know how to involve her without hearing her complain about it.  Or she wants to kind of pretend the wedding doesn't exist and so we don't bring it up so we don't hurt her.  So we feel like if we involve her, it will hurt her.  If we don't involve her, it will hurt her.  Any advice? 
    Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

    Your FI needs to tell her that if she doesn't support her son getting married, he would rather she not be involved in the planning of his wedding.
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  • rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    The cake thing is a really good idea.  My FI and I are planning to do cupcakes and we are still a ways off (but I am enjoy planning and I like getting things out of the way) but we are stuck on what flavors (and how many) to offer, so that may be something we can include her in and maybe see if she has a special flavor or something.

    The whole situation is rather complicated (and I don't even understand the whole thing), but through talking my FI and I have realized that the past couple of years, possibly even longer, that he has started unconsciously shutting his family out.  He hasn't kept them involved in his life, which results in them not really knowing him.  So we want to try and find a way to appease her but not go crazy at the same time, because he wants to try and mend the relationship.
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  • cbradeiscbradeis
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dad2710c-c2ad-45be-a7be-efaab5ebf805Post:23a4c90f-e7d7-41ef-829e-23fd8e110c63">FMIL conundrum</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have had issues with my FILs before, but things have started to get better.  FMIL wanted to sit down and talk with my parents and get to know them so they did that this past weekend.  It went pretty well besides a few bumps here and there, but she had said something that FI just don't know how to deal with.  First, she supports the wedding, but she doesn't.  I'm not talking financially, just she wants to support it but she doesn't agree with and then doesn't support it.  I understand if that is confusing.  Second, she wants to be involved in the planning.  This is where FI and I just don't know what to do.  Because she doesn't support it, she doesn't agree with just about any decision we make in regards to it and all of her comments have a passive-aggressive remarks. Basically, we don't know how to involve her without hearing her complain about it.  Or she wants to kind of pretend the wedding doesn't exist and so we don't bring it up so we don't hurt her.  So we feel like if we involve her, it will hurt her.  If we don't involve her, it will hurt her.  Any advice? 
    Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

    You can't fix stupid.  Do what's going to be the least stressful for you and your fiance.  Chances are she "wants to be involved" to make her misery known and throw her weight around.  It sounds kind of manipulative.  Leave her out as much as possible and don't worry about her feelings, clearly she's not too concerned about yours or her son's feelings
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