XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?

aoideeos · July 2012

i was reading here in the wedding ideas about the budgeting breakdown for families. and that traditionally " All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes)" so does that include bridesmaids and groomsmen?

I thought i was going to have to pay for that @.@ My FI and I are paying for a lot of it ourselves.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

It's always nice to offer if you can afford to pay, but Etiquette dictates that the BMs and GMs are responsible for their own dresses and shoes, but you are responsible for their flowers.

pokepoke27 · July 2012

Generally the BMs pay for their own dresses. That's it though. Any other accessories, hair and make up, nails etc need to be paid for by you if you are requiring something specific.

When you are choosing BM dresses you should make sure to have a conversation with your BMs separately (they don't need to know each other's budgets) and come up with a dress at a price that everyone can afford. Also, it's nice if you give them input on what they are wearing - although you don't have to.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

If you request specific shoes, jewelry, nails, makeup or hairstyles, you would be required to pay for them for your girls.

TheSlowskys · July 2012

this isn't etiquette, and not the common practice, but I really feel like the bride should pay for bm dresses. I'm paying for dresses. They can wear what they want for shoes, hair, jewelry, etc. I think it is nice to offer and you can save yourself the drama of this bm hasn't paid for her dress, this one said she could afford it now can't, another hasn't ordered it, blah blah blah. In the grand scheme of the wedding the 500 is a drop in the bucket and they are doing so much for me and I'm sure they will never wear the dress again. totally worth it when I see some of the posts on here about bp attire.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:e78dec51-24e1-4e3c-b65f-e98864443026">Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]this isn't etiquette, and not the common practice, but I really feel like the bride should pay for bm dresses. I'm paying for dresses. They can wear what they want for shoes, hair, jewelry, etc. I think it is nice to offer and you can save yourself the drama of this bm hasn't paid for her dress, this one said she could afford it now can't, another hasn't ordered it, blah blah blah. In the grand scheme of the wedding the 500 is a drop in the bucket and they are doing so much for me and I'm sure they will never wear the dress again. totally worth it when I see some of the posts on here about bp attire.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

I think you just have to know your friends too. We're all 5-7 years post college so buying a dress was no big deal for them and they all got them ordered without any issues or drama. The only young BM I have is my step sister (she's 17) and she and her mom split the costs.

As long as you ask for a budget privately from each girl and stick to it, I don't think it's necessary -- though of course I agree it's great to do if you can. If we'd paid for all of the dresses and the tux rentals we'd be looking at an extra $1700.

achiduck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:ff0850d1-f919-47a6-8ca7-4bebb299f784">Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress? : I think you just have to know your friends too. We're all 5-7 years post college so buying a dress was no big deal for them and they all got them ordered without any issues or drama. Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. All my girls ordered their dresses and put the 50% deposit required on the day we went shopping.

Traditionally, the girls pay for their own attire. The exception to this rule is if you require them to all having matching shoes, jewellery, purses, etc. Then you need to pay for those items. I told my girls to wear whatever black shoes they wanted provided they were on the dressy side. They are also allowed to pick whatever jewellery they wanted provided it's rhinestone/silver toned (which they all own already). The only thing I required was that they get hair and makeup done so I'm paying for that.

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:e78dec51-24e1-4e3c-b65f-e98864443026">Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]this isn't etiquette, and not the common practice, but I really feel like the bride should pay for bm dresses. I'm paying for dresses. They can wear what they want for shoes, hair, jewelry, etc. I think it is nice to offer and you can save yourself the drama of this bm hasn't paid for her dress, this one said she could afford it now can't, another hasn't ordered it, blah blah blah. In the grand scheme of the wedding the 500 is a drop in the bucket and they are doing so much for me and I'm sure they will never wear the dress again. totally worth it when I see some of the posts on here about bp attire.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm also paying for our WP attire. We only have one male, one female attendant and a flower girl, so I'm paying for their outfits. They can wear whatever accesories they want, so I'm not paying for that. I'm also not getting my own makeup or hair done professionally, so I won't be doing that for them either. I realize paying for their attire isn't required, but I think if you can afford it, it's a nice thing.

</div>

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:e78dec51-24e1-4e3c-b65f-e98864443026">Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]this isn't etiquette, and not the common practice, but I really feel like the bride should pay for bm dresses. I'm paying for dresses. They can wear what they want for shoes, hair, jewelry, etc. I think it is nice to offer and you can save yourself the drama of this bm hasn't paid for her dress, this one said she could afford it now can't, another hasn't ordered it, blah blah blah. In the grand scheme of the wedding the 500 is a drop in the bucket and they are doing so much for me and I'm sure they will never wear the dress again. totally worth it when I see some of the posts on here about bp attire.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]
Thats great if thats something that you want to do, but I don't agree that the bride SHOULD pay for all the dresses. $500 might be a drop in the bucket for SOME weddings, but it would have been almost 10% of my TOTAL wedding budget. I never had a problem with any of my ladies getting their dresses ordered or altered, and would have been very surprised if there was an issue. I did help one of my sisters pay for her dress because even though she was willing to pay for the dress, I knew that money was tight for her and I didn't want my nieces to go without anything for her to wear a dress. I don't think that any bride should feel bad for having her bridesmaids pay for their own dresses as thats the general expectation.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2012

Eh, I paid for the clothes. I don't think it's always necessary. In my situation, several wedding party members were having financial trouble, and several were coming from out of town, and yeah, it was a drop in the bucket compared on what we spent on the ENTIRE wedding. Plus, I felt more comfortable telling my BMs to wear the same dress (although they helped to pick it out) and obviously I didn't have to worry about staying under anyone else's budget.

BUT it depends on your friends and situation.

There was a poster a few days ago who said she had to drop out of her sister's wedding because she couldn't afford the $200 dress her sister was forcing her to buy. Just don't be that person.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:bf06b0af-d628-417c-bcfd-feb13961cea7">Re: XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with J&T on the shoes. Bridesmaids are on the hook for their own dresses, but if you are requiring specific shoes, you have to pay for them. What I did was tell my BMs to wear any shoes they wanted, as long as it was black and not a flip-flop. It worked perfectly.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I wasn't sure on the exact rule, so I actually referenced Emily Post before I posted my OP.

But I agree that if you're insisting that your BMs were hot pink Kate Spade shoes, then you need to pay. If you say, "Silver strappy heels" then the BM buys, IMO.

<a href="http://www.emilypost.com/attendants" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/attendants</a> <--Clicky

[QUOTE]
<h3>Typical Responsibilities of Attendants</h3> Pay for their wedding attire and accessories (excluding flowers)[/QUOTE]

TheSlowskys · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-do-bridemaids-buy-their-own-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7feb013c-7cb2-4e9e-8df8-9e7fc5feaf6bPost:712999ba-9700-4369-bf2d-a60efe733a28">Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress? : Thats great if thats something that you want to do, but I don't agree that the bride SHOULD pay for all the dresses. <strong>$500 might be a drop in the bucket for SOME weddings</strong>,<strong> but it would have been almost 10% of my TOTAL wedding budget.</strong> I never had a problem with any of my ladies getting their dresses ordered or altered, and would have been very surprised if there was an issue. I did help one of my sisters pay for her dress because even though she was willing to pay for the dress, I knew that money was tight for her and I didn't want my nieces to go without anything for her to wear a dress. I don't think that any bride should feel bad for having her bridesmaids pay for their own dresses <strong>as thats the general expectation.
</strong>Posted by norman74[/QUOTE]

Listen, not trying to say anyone is a cheap a$$ or should feel bad if they don't, and 100% agree that tradition (and Emily Post, the knot, etc) says the attendants pay for their own attire, but objectively, other than it being tradition/etiquette I don't get why we make the distinction on certain items and not others? I still haven't really heard a convincing argument that makes it OK to dictate the dress, but not the accessories. If anything, I think many would get more wear after the wedding from a specific pair of shoes or necklace that the bride dictated, than a dress.

Other than a LBD, I think even for the brides that say "I told them they could wear any pink/red/silver/etc dress," for a lot of BMs, they still have to go out and buy a dress that they may never wear again.

I know $500 is a lot, and other WP attire may be more or less, but a limited budget isn't an acceptable excuse for other instances where a bride may wish to save money, and we tell them to cut back other places. There are cheaper dresses out there, have fewer girls, etc. Again, not trying to say anyone is a jerk if you don't pay, just have trouble reconciling this rule with a lot of the other ones.

ootmother2 · July 2012

I find more brides picking up the cost of BM attire as they get older. I guess that makes sense.

I paid everything over $200 for the BM gowns and they could wear any metallic strappy heels they wanted.

XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?

Re: XP: Do bridemaids buy their own dress?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards