Opinions on our plans

fasteddie911 · March 2012

Hi,
I was wondering if I could get some of your opinions on our plans. We haven't been to many weddings and aren't familiar with the rules and etiquette. We plan on having the official ceremony with immediate family a few weeks before the reception. The reception will be about 80 people, with cocktails, buffet and dancing.

1. We're inviting a lot of family/friends from far away, would it be a waste to have them only attend a reception?
2. Should we be surprised if people don't offer gifts for a reception-invite only?
3. We don't like attention, but would we regret not having a ceremony with reception? (the ceremony seems to "complete" the day)
4. For guests, does the ceremony really matter, or do most people look forward to the reception? (for me, the ceremony seemed kinda awkward or eventless, but it did seem to "complete" the whole day)
5. Should we have a photographer at the ceremony? On one hand it'll document the event, but we're iffy about the intimacy of the event with the photographer there as well as the distraction from the constant clicking.

What do you folks think?

ceh789 · March 2012

A reception is a party on the day of your wedding to thank your guests for attending the ceremony. If you wish to have a party to celebrate your marriage at a later date that is fine, but it's not a reception.

1) If I were invited to a party to celebrate your marriage I would consider it like any other party invitation and it is unlikely I would travel any distance to attend. A wedding invitation is completely different, I do most everything I can to attend the weddings of people I care about.

2) A party to celebrate your marriage is not a gift giving occasion.

3) The ceremony "completes" the day because it is the entire point of the day. I don't know if you would regret it or not but I don't understand why you are planning to do what you're doing.

4) Yes, the ceremony matters. I would not attend a reception if I were not invited to witness the ceremony unless there were an excellent reason (i.e. religious prohibition) I was not invited to the ceremony.

5) I think you would regret not having photos for your ceremony. Most DSLR cameras do not make noise.

ElisabethJoanne · March 2012

As a guest, the ceremony is usually several times more important to me than the reception. I often tell on theknot how I've received a couple ceremony-only invites and been quite content with the arrangement.

I think our photographer's digital camera is silent. I was standing right next to him Saturday as he took test photos in the church and didn't notice it at all. Flash could be distracting. Tell your photographer not to use flash.

toothpastechica · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_opinions-on-our-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:443cd555-2928-4af2-a5d3-2eff9a5235c8Post:8f49a2aa-bfa3-4950-94f8-1bb1dd9b78b1">Re: Opinions on our plans</a>:
[QUOTE]A reception is a party on the day of your wedding to thank your guests for attending the ceremony. If you wish to have a party to celebrate your marriage at a later date that is fine, but it's not a reception. 1) If I were invited to a party to celebrate your marriage I would consider it like any other party invitation and it is unlikely I would travel any distance to attend. A wedding invitation is completely different, I do most everything I can to attend the weddings of people I care about. 2) A party to celebrate your marriage is not a gift giving occasion. 3) The ceremony "completes" the day because it is the entire point of the day. I don't know if you would regret it or not but I don't understand why you are planning to do what you're doing. 4) Yes, the ceremony matters. I would not attend a reception if I were not invited to witness the ceremony unless there were an excellent reason (i.e. religious prohibition) I was not invited to the ceremony. 5) I think you would regret not having photos for your ceremony. Most DSLR cameras do not make noise.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

This. I wouldnt go to the reception of a wedding when I wasnt invited to the ceremony. Also if you do a seperate celebration party...there shouldn't be any of the things that make it seem weddingish....no wedding dress, no boquet toss, etc etc.

fasteddie911 · March 2012

Thanks for your thoughts. I didn't realize how strongly some people felt about this, I guess we thought we'd be casual about it. I thought the reception was more of the focus since it's the celebration of the marriage, where everyone comes together to honor the newlyweds, whereas the ceremony is more of an intimate/legal moment for the couple to share. I always got the feeling that people never really cared for the ceremony portion. In the end, I want everyone to enjoy themselves, so we may ask around and get some of our family/friends opinions as well, maybe they would want to go to a ceremony. So what would you suggest if our desired wedding date is in the middle of the week? Or what if we don't feel comfortable standing in front of a crowd of people? Should the reception size be the same size as the ceremony that we would be comfortable with?

Thanks for the tips on the photographer, I just remember going to a ceremony and the only thing I heard was the photographer's camera the whole time, got kind of annoying after a while.

Btw, out of curiousity, if you weren't invited to the ceremony, why wouldn't you go to the "reception," or celebratory dinner(based on the definition of our plans)?

ceh789 · March 2012

So what would you suggest if our desired wedding date is in the middle of the week?

A mid-week date is undesirable, particularly if you are expecting OOT guests. Your guests are more important than a number or specific date, aren't they?

Or what if we don't feel comfortable standing in front of a crowd of people? Should the reception size be the same size as the ceremony that we would be comfortable with?

If you don't feel comfortable standing in front of a crowd of people then invite the number of people you feel comfortable standing in front of. Are you under the impression that you will be any less under the microscope at a large party to celebrate your marriage than you will be at a "normal" wedding? You won't be.

If you must, it is technically acceptable to have a ceremony with only immediate family (parents, siblings, MAYBE grandparents) and then a much larger reception following (on the same day). I still wouldn't attend the reception if I had to travel, just FYI, but I assume you're not inviting me anyway

Btw, out of curiousity, if you weren't invited to the ceremony, why wouldn't you go to the "reception," or celebratory dinner(based on the definition of our plans)?

I wouldn't attend because I think it's a gift-grab. A wedding is a sacred occasion to me. A party is not. If the party were conveniant for me to attend (and flying to Hawaii is not conveniant) then I would attend and celebrate with you.

fasteddie911 · March 2012

I appreciate your thoughts. I guess even though the ceremony is rather short and sometimes detached from the guests(if they can't hear you, etc.), its the symbolism of the marriage you're all referring to. I may ask around, because I have been getting mixed reviews about this from friends/family, but it's interesting how you folks mention that you would skip the reception rather than the ceremony, but a majority of people I know actually skip the ceremony and attend the reception. Btw, the small ceremony would be in court(to have that official date) and we would only invite parents/siblings, so there shouldn't be hurt feelings about that. What are your thoughts of having an official ceremony beforehand, but having an un-official ceremony on the day of the reception, possibly having a close friend be the "officiant?"

Avion22 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_opinions-on-our-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:443cd555-2928-4af2-a5d3-2eff9a5235c8Post:1c874e28-a4ae-4888-a7bf-caf9c5f1cca3">Re: Opinions on our plans</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate your thoughts. I guess even though the ceremony is rather short and sometimes detached from the guests(if they can't hear you, etc.), its the symbolism of the marriage you're all referring to. I may ask around, because I have been getting mixed reviews about this from friends/family, but it's interesting how you folks mention that you would skip the reception rather than the ceremony, but a majority of people I know actually skip the ceremony and attend the reception. Btw, the small ceremony would be in court(to have that official date) and we would only invite parents/siblings, so there shouldn't be hurt feelings about that. What are your thoughts of having an official ceremony beforehand, but having an un-official ceremony on the day of the reception, possibly having a close friend be the "officiant?"
Posted by fasteddie911[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Your courthouse wedding would be your REAL wedding, and your other ceremony would be a "vow renewal." Different people have different opinions about this....personally I think it's okay as long a guests invited to your vow renewal know that you are already legally married. </div><div>
</div><div>If you're worried about standing up in front of people, then I don't understand why you would have two ceremonies. Why not just do everything on ONE DAY? </div>

ceh789 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_opinions-on-our-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:443cd555-2928-4af2-a5d3-2eff9a5235c8Post:cae36e57-cec4-403e-9329-2ca00e5e5932">Re: Opinions on our plans</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're worried about standing up in front of people, then I don't understand why you would have two ceremonies. Why not just do everything on ONE DAY?
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
Because whatever symbolism she assigns to May 26, 2013 - it's more important to her than having guests witness her ceremony.<div>
</div><div>OP - to be brutally honest, I feel like you're just doing the reception to fish for gifts. If you really don't want to have a proper reception, just send announcements. Some people will still send a gift - probably the same % that would bring a gift to a party. </div><div>
</div><div>I would be incredibly hurt by an invitation to see you pretend to get married when you were already married. An invitation to your party is at least a friendship neutral move, an invitation to a play put on because you don't think highly enough of me to let me see the real thing is just straight up offensive.</div>

fasteddie911 · March 2012

I appreciate the opinions, but I guess we can have a difference of opinions as well. Though I haven't experienced many weddings, I have been to a wedding where I only received a reception invite as well as a wedding where the couple pre-married and then re-did the ceremony. Personally, I never thought anything of it and I was so happy just to be in the presence of these friends/family and help them celebrate their marriage, it was their day and I was there to honor that. I did end up giving generous gifts to congratulate them on their marriage as well as to thank them for the invitation and food,entertainment, etc. Though that is just my perspective, and may not reflect my guests' perspective, hence the reason for my questions, where I wanted to get a broad view of others' opinions.

cwill6212 · March 2012

This topic is one I've experienced firsthand.

The first wedding we attended was Nov last year and was a distant cousin of my FI. We got to the wedding and watched the ceremony... And then after it was over, the officiant announced the reception would begin at x-time... And then proceeded to let the cat out of the bag that the couple had already been married for a couple months. We were shocked. And offended. So basically, we just came to a wedding "do-over" and a fundraiser party because they were already married.

The second wedding was just on Mar 3. I've known the bride since we were in high school and was so excited to be a part of her big day. We got the invite and it just listed one venue (but a well-known venue able to accommodate a ceremony and reception) So I thought nothing of it and we arrived at 6 (which is coincidentally the time our wedding will start) Upon arrival, we're told that dinner will be served at 6:15 and the B&G would arrive shortly, I was pissed. We'd been invited to the reception only--and we weren't even told that was the deal. It felt like we were important enough to bring a gift, but not to witness the ceremony itself.

OP--Don't put your guests in predicaments like this. It's rude. It's offensive. It's uncalled for. I am getting married in June and we stuck to a 100 person guest list. I see myself being a bit uncomfortable with being the center of attention, but I will do it because I want to marry my FI and celebrate with the people who mean most to us---and they will be attending the ceremony and the reception....

mdeidre · March 2012

I would also be offended at not being invited to the ceremony, especially to people I'm close to. You share your wedding with people you love, you can party with anyone. Maybe your friends and family don't care about sharing important occasions with each other, but a reception without a ceremony is just a party. The only parties I bring gifts to are birthday parties. As many have stated before, the ceremony is the whole point of the day, not the reception.

DanniLynn88 · March 2012

we thought of doing this similarly. We were going to get married on a cruise in October, and have a reception when we got home for family and friends. We decided against this for a few reasons but mainly we weren't planning a party we wanted it to be a part of our wedding and it just wasn't going to be. We decided on having a very small wedding. (30 people) It was a good compromise since I wanted just immediate family at the wedding and he wanted a huge wedding.

librababy · March 2012

I don't see anything wrong with what you are trying to do and I would not be offended if I were just invited to a reception (better for me anyway as I would rather attend the reception than the ceremony).

My father (and lots of other people) had a destination wedding a few years ago (not everyone could attend). Then he had a HUGE blowout reception party later on for everyone of their close family and friends. It was the party to celebrate their marriage. No biggie. If you want to have a small initmate ceremony, then have a bigger reception, then do it. It's your wedding and if your guests are fine with it, then that is all that matters.

fasteddie911 · March 2012

thanks for the feedback, we've decided to hold the ceremony and reception together, although the ceremony is short, we agreed that it adds a certain little something to the day, making it a little more special and complete. We figured that was more important than a specific date(which is why we wanted to separate them), and doing a true ceremony, rather than a "fake" ceremony(which doesn't bother me either) seems to add a little more integrity to the whole event which helps provide that "completeness" I mentioned previously.

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