MOB feeling left out of the wedding planning...and it hurts...

bucbabe63 · December 2011

My daughter's getting married in March 2012. Her father and I divorced in her junior year of high school. She withdrew a little bit... I took her and encouraged her to continue seeing a counselor to work through any issues as a result. She's always been my priority.
She was my life, from the moment she came into this world! She even gave me away, when I remarried a couple years after her father & I separated/divorced. She & I had always been so close, but I still believe that she blames me for the divorce and still holds some bit of anger towards me. She has a much better relationship with her father now than she once did. She would talk to me about anything and everything and told me several times, that she was more comfortable talking to me, than her dad as she was growing up. Her father loved her, but he was really much closer to our younger daughter and that would break my heart sometimes, as I could see the "want" in my older daughter's eyes. So, I would constantly let him know and ask him to pay attention to that. He didn't do it to be mean and he did love our older daughter. It's just that he and the younger daughter bonded, as I did with our older daughter. I was involved in anything that she did, i.e. dance, cheerleading, home room mom, PTA, school chaperone, school fundraisers, Girl Scout assistant with her troope, etc. She lived at home with me until she was 23, while she was a full time student and working full time. I paid her car insurance, so that she could afford other things. I made up the difference in her tuition, above the scholarship money. She's 27 yrs old now and getting married in less than 4 months. Her father and I offered to help pay for her wedding. He committed $5k (surprisingly) and I offered $4k, plus her dress, veil and undergarments. I was so looking forward to going to try on wedding dresses with her. When the planning for that day came, I learned that she wanted to make it an event and invite all her BM's, MOH, Mother in law to be and me. I'd offered to come and pick her up, so that we could ride together (and talk to and from). Well, She'd moved in with her fiance a few months before, when her apartment lease was up, so because she now lived in the same areas now as her fiances parents and farther away from me, she suggested that she'd just meet me there. I kept my game face on and laughed and enjoyed along with everyone else...I know her friends very well and do things socially with them a couple of times a year. But, I didn't get any of the 'special' mom time with her, to tell her she was beautiful or to help her try on her dresses or anything. Her MOH did all of that. I was just one of the gang. Now, I find out that she has asked her father to give her away. With as 'non' traditional as she is, everyone that knows us well and all the dynamics, were surprised that she didn't also ask me. She goes out of her way to make sure people are included in things and feel welcome. Yet, when it comes to me (these days/years), it appears that I'm least thought of. I feel at times, that I'm taken for granted. The only thing she's asked me to help with, was meet her at a couple of venues for holding the ceremony & reception. That was a couple of months ago and the wedding is in March. When I asked the last time, how the wedding plans were going, she told me that they were in great shape and that pretty much everything had been taken care of. I fear saying anything, for getting an attitude. But, after a few people (that have been friends for 20-30 years and know her father and her) have asked me about the wedding, the planning, etc. they are quite frankly shocked that she wasn't more involved with me, asking me to help with make decisions, etc. They know how independent she is, so they can see that a little bit...a little! But, they and I are wondering why she wouldn't have me escort her, along with her dad. Now, I have to wonder where she plans to seat her father, his new wife and my husband and I? I do not want to share the same row and I do want to be on the front row. I do not want to sit with them at the reception either. How do I handle that? Or do I continue to let her make her own plan and just deal with it? I'm so hurt and I know that it is her wedding and she's no longer my "little" girl...she's an adult. But, I want to have wonderful memories of her wedding and all that entails. Please, help give me some advice. Thanks!!

em01092 · December 2011

She does not have to include you, but I can understand why you are hurt. I think maybe you should tell her how you feel. Have you two had differing opinions? She may not be asking you/including you because she knows you won't like her ideas or plans. If that's not the case, then yeah just tell her you'd love to go to her next fitting if she didn't mind or something like that.

As for the issues with her father, she should know better than to seat you and him at the same table at dinner, but as for the first row seating, don't you think her father would want that honor too? I realize you raised her but who walks her is HER choice and you have to respect that. I get why you are hurt but you can't really blame her for anything, as it is her wedding and her choices. Just let her know you miss her. This is obviously more than wedding related.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

Your baby bird has grown up now. Time to let her fly.

It sounds like you raised a daughter independent enough to know her own tastes and make her own decisions. That's a good thing. You made sure she didn't have to chose between you and her father in the divorce, and that's a good thing too. It doesn't sound like you're being left out; it sounds like you're holding on to someone who has defined your life for years. That's only natural, but it's time to let go.

You should not demand to give her away. You should not request that other people important to her be left out of dress shopping, or dictate who she rides with. You are right to keep silent on these things. You can take her out to lunch, or ask her along while you look for a special dress for you, or just plain tell her you miss her, and would love a chance to chat and catch up on things.

You can also politely ask - once - that, if possible, you'd prefer to sit across the aisle from your ex, and at a different table during the reception. Then drop it, and sit whereever she tells you to with a smile. You have had your special day - two of them. Now it's time to let her have hers.

MairePoppy · December 2011

Welcome, from another MOB : )

Since you and your daughter have enjoyed such a wonderful relationship, I don't think she really has relegated you to the bottom of the heap. Sometimes, mothers and daughters don't have the same vision of the perfect day. It's great that you put on your game face, when your daughter invited a whole entourage along to shop for her wedding dress. Even though you were let down, you put your daughter's feelings first, because you love her. You have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing.

You also have done a good job at putting your daughter's well being ahead of your negative feelings for your ex. Because you gave her the support she needed and you didn't cast him in a bad light, she was able to bridge that gap and find a way to have a decent relationship with her dad, too.

I have read many posts froms brides that were feeling torn apart because their parents refuse to get along for a few hours, on one of the most important days of their lives. Please don't do that to your daughter because you will only create resentment. It won't kill you to sit in the front row with your ex and your spouses for the 1/2 hour to hour for the ceremony.

As for the reception: it is typical around here for each set of parents to host their own tables. Let your daughter know that you would feel more comfortable at the reception sharing a table with your own close family members and friends. Offer to help her with the seating plan.

You should let your daughter know that you would like to do something alone with her. Ask her for some suggestions. A spa day and lunch might give you the TLC that you are craving. It's okay to ask for that.

Grits8812 · December 2011

sorry to hear you feel left out.

maybe she just really has everything how she wants it already and didnt need much help getting it accomplished.

as for seating at the ceremony, i think just sharing the same front row would just be a must. obviously the front row is for parents, and i think you should just grin and bear that. as for the reception, just politely ask about seating arrangements, or if she knows who is sitting where. remember you wont be sitting long, you will be up having fun. dont let him ruin it by not wanting to have to sit by him.

RyansBelovedBride · December 2011

My mom felt left out when my older sister got married (though it was different because my parents are still married, and it was that my sister's MIL was taking her place). I heard both sides, and truth is, my sister wasn't trying to make her feel left out, it was just that she loved her in-laws and they were paying for most of the wedding (they're wealthier than my parents. My parents paid all they could afford to... and the in-laws gave three times as much.) My sister tried to include her... but when my mom didn't jump at what she offered, my sister was at a loss. Part of it I think was much what you said: Mom wanted special mother-daughter stuff, and my sister was offering to make Mom part of the group.

Everyone kept civil, and while Mom was a little hurt, she got over it. Everyone had a great time at the wedding and it was a wonderful experience, and it all worked out in the end. Time healed most of the wounds, and it was okay.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but have some optimism. Also, maybe you could just try to do some special Mom and daughter stuff that you plan. For example, maybe just offer to take her to lunch and then discuss the wedding.

I do think you should be able to sit in the front pew with your ex. One of you sits by the aisle, the other sits on the other end. So it goes: him, his wife, your husband, you (or you, your husband, his wife, him). No biggie, and you don't even have to talk. But if you start insisting he can't sit on the front row, you will cause drama and probably alienate your daughter.

Sydney91 · December 2011

The best advice I can give is to ask her for a full fun day together. Do non-wedding things together and return to being Mom and Daughter. Let her bring up the wedding plans and ask if you can be more involved. You obviously still want to take care of your little girl and make sure she knows exactly why you want to help out. Plan out what you say ahead of time so meanings and words can't be misconstrued.

I accidently did this to my mom, and this is what she did. I hauled out my plans and went over them with her, giving her all the information and asked her opinion on a lot of things I haven't settled on yet. I'm not taking a good chunk of her advice, but some things she said were real gems. Communication is always the best policy.

Even though I went dress shopping before with everyone and my mom as part of the group, I set aside a silly day with my mom to try on dresses I would never buy. It was good to make sure that I didn't find something else I liked better than the one I picked and my mom got some one-on-one time with me like she wanted.

Karenofcourse · December 2011

My daughter is a few years younger than yours and there have been times I feel left out. Please understand your vision and her vision of the wedding may be totally different. She is a grown woman and can make decisions. Unless it was discussed previously with her, the $$ was given to her without conditions. You mentioned about her living with you through college. Although mine has graduated undergrad and currently in a MS program, she has lived away at college for five years. Sometimes when kids live at home during college, it is even harder on the parent to realize their child is grown!! Regarding the seating, she has two parents and please do not make seating an issue. It is her and her DI's day!!

The best thing you can do, and it sounds like you have already done this a couple of times, is smile, be supportive and let her know you are available if she needs your help. Please remember you are not losing you daughter, but she is gaining an even bigger family network with all sorts of things to work around! Please continue to be supportive or this may have a life long effect in your future relationship with your daughter!!

tldh · December 2011

When we were planning our wedding, I worried that my mom was feeling left out because I'm in Philadelphia and she's in Cincinnati. When I did try to talk to her about what we were planning, her only suggestions were exactly what she had done at her own wedding - she even tried to get us to used her wedding bells cake topper.

My advice is to just sit back and enjoy the day. If you want a special mom/daughter day, why don't you plan a shopping day to find your dress. Plan a stop for mani/pedi's and then a nice dinner.

divadancer11 · December 2011

That is too bad that you feel that way.....after reading that it is making me think if I am doing that to my own mom

In regards to the "giving her away" situation....I have never met my father and the only father figure in my life was my grandpa however he passed 10yrs ago. My mother will not be giving me away but my uncle is. I am going to have both mothers light the candles that we will use for the unity candle so they have a part in the wedding.

For the seating in the church I think that both you and your ex with your spouses will be seated in the front row but I wouldn't think that she would want you seated at the same dinner table.

You should talk to her as with me being a bride there are certain things that I am not paying attention to and wouldn't know unless someone told me. I wouldn't think that she is deliberately doing this to hurt you but she might need a reality check.

I wish you the best of luck! Keep your head up

krizzo17 · December 2011

If you haven't gotten your dress already, you could ask her to go with you and make a day out of it. Or offer to take her shopping to buy some new clothes for the honeymoon. Think of things that haven't been done yet, and might not be the most exiciting parts of wedding planning, but that she'll appreciate having company when she does them.

calliopeia2013 · December 2011

Honestly, while I'm sorry that you feel hurt, I really don't see how she has done anything hurtful, or left you out. She invited you dress shopping in a group, because everyone wanted to be there. It'd have been a lot more hurtful to other people if she'd only invited you and left out her MOH; FMIL, etc. It's hard when you're a bride and you're trying to please everyone, and it sounds like she chose the best possible option.

Then, she asked her dad to walk her down the aisle- which is the traditional choice and doesn't sound like it was done with any intention of hurting you. (Not what I would have done in her shoes, but for some women having her dad give her away is really important.) But she did what, frankly, most women do.

And, honestly, I don't see at all why you would expect to be involved in planning the other wedding details. You really only need the bride and groom (or, really just one of them) to pick the flowers and the candles and the ceremony readings, ya know? It's just not the sort of thing where a group effort is useful or really even enjoyable.

One solution: invite her to the wedding events that ARE about just you and her- go shopping for your dress together!

Also, I am begging you, PLEASE be mature about sitting with your ex-husband. It hurts my fiance so much when his divorced parents are nasty to each other and can't make nice for a few hours- he left our law school graduation practically in tears. I don't think there's a child in the world that isn't hurt by that. No matter how much you dislike someone, there's almost no good reason not to be cordial for a few hours. (And the very few things that are good reasons don't seem to apply here.)

It's just...you said above that you want to have wonderful memories of her wedding- so do! You don't have to be involved in planning at all to have a wonderful, magical day when you finally get to watch her get married.

MOB feeling left out of the wedding planning...and it hurts...

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