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Don't know what to do...

I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now and I am 8 months pregnant with our first child (due April 4th!!!).  He is in the ARMY and we are stationed very far from home (few thousand miles). Well he has this old friend that he has known for a long time that he texts every so often, I know I shouldn't have but the be gaining of last August I looked through his phone and found text messages from him and her saying that he was going to leave me to go be with her and they would be happy together. (I found out that I was pregnant August 1st, and my birthday is august 6th, so I was DEVASTATED by this news) granted we had been fighting a lot but we were trying to work things out he explained tp me that is was all a misunderstanding. Thankfully we did!! We are now happier then we have ever been...or so i thought because of what happened in the text messages before I found myself looking though his phone again. I found messages from him talking behind my back to the same girl. When I question him about it he just had another excuse. At this point I don't know if I should believe him or not, it all looks really bad but he could be telling the truth and I hate to think that he would be lying to me....But I just have this horrible feeling int he back of my head that I cant get out!!
Has anyone had something like this happen before? What was the outcome?What did you do about it?

Re: Don't know what to do...

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2012
    He's lying to you.  I'm sorry.

    If he's willing to come clean, stay away from her, and pursue counselling, your relationship might be salvagable.  Don't except less than that, though.  Do not let him convince you that you deserve a subpar marriage.

    *accept
  • Ya, I'm going to have to agree with Mynameisnot. Chances are he's probably lying about it. I would suggest couples counselling. He needs to stop talking to this girl and come 100% clean if things are going to get better. 
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  • He is lying. You don't deserve that. You know he is, and need to stop believing his excuses. Trust your gut feeling.

  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited February 2012
    What was the misunderstanding in the first place? If he was saying he was going to leave you for her, I don't see how that message is could be twisted around. If it really was the case (that he was leaving you) and he lied the first time, he shouldn't have ever talked to that woman again when you gave him a 2nd chance. Sounds like a Lying McLiarson to me.
  • He's lying. There isn't a chance that he's not. Regardless of whether he has an "explanation" for sending the texts, the fact of the matter is: he is still sending those texts. He can say he doesn't mean it or whatever, but if he didn't mean it, there'd be no reason for sending them. You need to confront your husband and not let him walk all over you. I suggest marriage counseling.
  • Like PPs said, he is lying. Get counseling and make clear guidelines for future contact with this woman. You can decide to leave him if he has similar contact with her, or you can just get taken advantage of. Sorry for your situation, I fear it is all too common.
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  • I should have put in their that the las text message i read we from February 2nd. We have had marriage counseling but the counselor only agreed with me it was odd, but since then my husband has refused to go any more.....

    I want to tell my husband how I feel but I just don't know how to bring it up to him, it's not an every day conversation....And the bad part is we will be going back home (same town where this girl lives).

  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]What was the misunderstanding in the first place? If he was saying he was going to leave you for her, I don't see how that message is could be twisted around. If it really was the case (that he was leaving you) and he lied the first time, he shouldn't have ever talked to that woman again when you gave him a 2nd chance. Sounds like a Lying McLiarson to me.
    Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE] The girl still lives at home and her dad recently (well back then it was) left her mom, and he said that they were making up reasons as to why the dad would leave the mom using my husband in place of the dad, me as the wife, and her as the other women, I know it sounds completely stupid but he had never lied to me (as far as I know) and I trusted him so I just let it go. And this time he said that she kinda lives though other people experiences so he was just telling her stuff that wasn't true. But I feel like if it wasn't true then 1.) why say it and 2.) if he really does love me like he says he does, then why talk behind my back and make up stuff?!?!?!
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't know what to do... :   The girl still lives at home and her dad recently (well back then it was) left her mom, and he said that they were making up reasons as to why the dad would leave the mom using my husband in place of the dad, me as the wife, and her as the other women, I know it sounds completely stupid but he had never lied to me (as far as I know) and I trusted him so I just let it go. And this time he said that she kinda lives though other people experiences so he was just telling her stuff that wasn't true. But I feel like if it wasn't true then 1.) why say it and 2.) if he really does love me like he says he does, then why talk behind my back and make up stuff?!?!?!
    Posted by court476[/QUOTE]
    None of that makes any sense whatsoever.  He's lying and you know it.  Don't let him twist it around and make lame ass excuses.  You're smart enough to know better.
  • I'm sorry, but my best guess is that your husband is having an emotional affair. And he is playing you for a fool on top of it. If he refuses to go to counseling and acknowledge the problems in your marriage, I don't know how much of a willing partner he is.
  • What is an "emotional affair"?
  • I have had a very similar thing happen. Mine was lying, was cheating, and now lives with her. I'm now with a wonderful man and am much happier. If their excuses sound stupid, they're likely not true.

    If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. The therapist can help you work out what you want to do and what you want to happen, which is sometimes hard to do by yourself. Good luck!
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  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]What is an "emotional affair"?
    Posted by court476[/QUOTE]

    It means that he's having inappropriate feelings for someone else that is not you, his wife.  He's acting on it through these texts.  It may not be physical (meaning they haven't kissed or had sex) but from what it sounds like he's in love with someone else. It's an affair, but without the sex.

    He's lying to you and I'm really sorry about it.  The ladies above have given some good advice.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]What is an "emotional affair"?
    Posted by court476[/QUOTE]

    It is when someone cheats but doesn't do anything physical. As in he is more intimate emotionally  (staring stories & emotion) with her and not you. As in she knows him better than you do.

    He is a lying cheating bastard. This is a perfect example of " Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." This is the second time you have found him cheating. please leave. If you don't leave, then you need to understand he will continue to cheat.

    *edit- to make sense.

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  • I'm sorry but he is definitely lying to you.  And if he stopped going to marital counseling when this was raised as a possible issue, that's another huge red flag that you should not be ignoring.
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  • Unfortunately all of the PPs are correct....He is lying to you.  I would HIGHLY recommend that if you want to save what is left of your marriage, I would get into counseling asap and work things out! Good luck and I am very sorry you are going through this, especially with a baby on the way.  
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  • So I know I have to talk to him and I will tonight, but the thing is I am not very good at being confrontational. Would I be able to send him a text message and put everything that i want to say in that and still get the point across that I want him to have nothing to do with this girl? (because I still love him with all my heart) or would it HAVE to be face-to-face?
  • He's definitely lying.  I am so sorry, I know how awful it can be.  When my now FI and I first lived together, things didn't go well.  I hurt my back really bad, was kind of depressed, couldn't do much, and we worked different shifts.  He worked 2nd shift so he would go out with his friends and party and I'd be stuck at home until 4am.  He left his myspace up (yeah, this was like 5 years ago lol), and I looked in his messages and saw a message from a girl from his work about how he didn't show up to some movie they were supposed to go see together.  I confronted him about it and he STILL lied.  It was really bad, but we worked it out. Long story short,  I can trust him with anything and anyone now.  I guess what I'm trying to say is definitely try counseling again.  If he won't go, then there's not much else you can do but go see the therapist alone, as coop said, and have him/her help you figure out where things are going to go from here.
  • I would strongly suggest face to face. I don't like confrontation either, but this is a big deal. And counseling, he needs to agree to go back. The counselor was agreeing with you which I would guess made him feel like a diick and made him not want to go anymore. Best of luck to you, OP.
  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]So I know I have to talk to him and I will tonight, but the thing is I am not very good at being confrontational. Would I be able to send him a text message and put everything that i want to say in that and still get the point across that I want him to have nothing to do with this girl? (because I still love him with all my heart) or would it HAVE to be face-to-face?
    Posted by court476[/QUOTE]



    If you can't talk to him, your relationship is past saving. Communication is the MOST important thing in a relationship. He is cheating and you can't talk to him?

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  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]So I know I have to talk to him and I will tonight, but the thing is I am not very good at being confrontational. Would I be able to send him a text message and put everything that i want to say in that and still get the point across that I want him to have nothing to do with this girl? (because I still love him with all my heart) or would it HAVE to be face-to-face?
    Posted by court476[/QUOTE]

    I understand how you feel about confrontation. I'm the same way. Oftentimes, I know exactly what I want to say and I'll have it planned out perfectly in my head, but when it comes time to say it, my words get all mixed up and I don't end up saying everything that I want to.

    I do believe that this is a face-to-face conversation that needs to happen, but maybe you can write all of your feelings down first, and then read it to him, and then let the conversation happen from there.

    I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. My advice to you is to talk to him, and don't lose your courage to stand up for yourself and be taken advantage of.
  • Court--YGPM.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't know what to do... :  I do believe that this is a face-to-face conversation that needs to happen, but maybe you can write all of your feelings down first, and then read it to him, and then let the conversation happen from there. Posted by sonya+adam[/QUOTE]
    This is a good idea.  Write down everything you want to say and read it to him.  You need to have this conversation in person, but writing it down will give you a chance to say everything you need to say without letting him interrupt with his absurd lies.
    If he won't agree to continue marriage counselling, you need to walk.  If he is not willing to work on this relationship, you can't save it.  
  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't know what to do... : If you can't talk to him, your relationship is past saving. Communication is the MOST important thing in a relationship. He is cheating and you can't talk to him?
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    This is what I was going to say. I get it won't be a comfortable conversation, but if you can't stalk to him, there are much larger issues.
  • do not text him, talk to him.  That way you can look him in th eye and see his facial expressions.  If you are concerned you will freeze up and forget things then I would write it down a few points you want to make.

    I agree that he is cheating on you emotionally.  Maybe he is thinking that when you move back he will get with this girl.

    If he is not willing to go to couples counseling though than that is just selfish and will be a lot harder to save your marriage.  You shouldn't be afraid to talk to him either, HE is the one in the wrong!
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  • In Response to Re: Don't know what to do...:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't know what to do... : I understand how you feel about confrontation. I'm the same way. Oftentimes, I know exactly what I want to say and I'll have it planned out perfectly in my head, but when it comes time to say it, my words get all mixed up and I don't end up saying everything that I want to. I do believe that this is a face-to-face conversation that needs to happen, but maybe you can write all of your feelings down first, and then read it to him, and then let the conversation happen from there. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. My advice to you is to talk to him, and don't lose your courage to stand up for yourself and be taken advantage of.
    Posted by sonya+adam[/QUOTE]
     THIS is exactly how I feel. But thank you I feel a lot better knowing that it isn't  me that did something wrong
  • I signed up for individual counseling and I'm going to talk to them and figure out what I want to do about the situation before I ask him to join me.
  • GL court.  I understand this must be extremely difficult. 
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