My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....

Re: My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....

• Simply Fated member

  

  January 2012

  I'd ask her and let her decide if she can handle it or not.

  
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  January 2012

  Asking her to be your MOH is not asking her to play a big role in helping you to plan your wedding.  It is not your MOH's job to help you plan your wedding.  That being said, your friend - in her role as friend - may be interested in helping you plan your wedding, and she also may not be. 

  
  
  
  

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• jagore08 member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_intended-moh-planning-her-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:217e6fee-9a79-4d56-8476-b6e1a0279cf0Post:52e9fac4-37ae-47b2-ac7f-f0879250b216">My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi all.... I am newly engaged and have just sat down with my fiance to figure out the wedding party. I want to ask one of my best friends to be MOH, but she just got engaged herself and has a wedding of her own to plan. Is it selfish of me to ask her to play such a big role in helping me to plan mine? I dont think she will say no, even if she feels overwhelmed, so I'm afraid of burdening her - but at the same time I dont want to hurt her feelings by asking someone else. What are your suggestions?
  Posted by The+Bee+Keeper[/QUOTE]
  Listen to <font face="Arial" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Viczaesar.  Your MOH is a title you give to a close friend to <em>honor</em>  them, not to have a free wedding planner.  She may want to help with your wedding but she may be busy with her own, but that shouldn't be a reason you don't ask her.  If she weren't planning her own wedding then you would ask her, right?  Ask her and if she wants to turn it down then let that be her decision.</span></font><div><font face="Arial" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
  </span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Also, I don't know how far off your wedding is but you should wait until about 9 months out before making any decisions about your WP.  Take some time and lurk on these boards and you'll see why I say this.</span></font></div>

  Ignorance is a poor defense.

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  January 2012

  It would be selfish of you to ask her to take a big role in planning your wedding, but that would be true whether or not she is planning her own.  If your plans are bigger than you and your FI can handle, then either scale back or hire a wedding planner.  The wedding party is supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not the people most willing to be your unpaid wedding coordinator/throw the biggest parties/tie the most ribbons.  Go ahead and ask her to be MOH, just remember what the wedding party is for.  

  
  

  And, in case you're wondering, no, this is not the standard advice given by the wedding industry.  The industry wants your money, and doesn't care how many friendships they have t ruin to get it.  It is the standard advice from people who think friendships are more important than fancy favor boxes.

  

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• 2012FutureMrsB member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_intended-moh-planning-her-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:217e6fee-9a79-4d56-8476-b6e1a0279cf0Post:54478605-ae28-4aff-95c9-7497a5b6589e">Re: My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to My intended MOH is planning her own wedding.... : Listen to Viczaesar.  <strong>Your MOH is a title you give to a close friend to honor   them,</strong> not to have a free wedding planner.  She may want to help with your wedding but she may be busy with her own, but that shouldn't be a reason you don't ask her.  If she weren't planning her own wedding then you would ask her, right?  Ask her and if she wants to turn it down then let that be her decision. Also, I don't know how far off your wedding is but you should wait until about 9 months out before making any decisions about your WP.  Take some time and lurk on these boards and you'll see why I say this.
  Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]
  
  Exactly. My best friend and I are each other's MOH's. She's getting married 6 weeks before me and we live hundreds of miles apart. NBD. We're both focusing on our own weddings and not worried about helping each other, besides giving opinions/advice. Her other BMs already volunteered to plan the Bach. party. My sister, who is one of my BM, already volunteered to plan a shower for me. So it all works out. Nobody HAS to do anything, except buy their dress and show up on time to stand by your side in their rightful place of honor.

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• The+Bee+Keeper member

  

  January 2012

  Thank you for the advice. I am trying to plan a wedding for october 2012 which is why I'm trying to make the decision in the near future. When I said play a big role in helping me I didnt mean that Im going to be asking her to do a lot of the work. I would never ever take advantage of my friends. I guess I should have worded it differently. Im not the type of person who even likes to accept help from other people. What I meant is that as my MOH, I'm afraid that she will feel like she has to come dress shopping with me and help plan a shower, bachelorette party, etc. I dont want her to spend her time doing those things if it takes away from her own wedding planning.

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• The+Bee+Keeper member

  

  January 2012

  I also forgot to mention that she is MOH for another friend's upcoming wedding

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_intended-moh-planning-her-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:217e6fee-9a79-4d56-8476-b6e1a0279cf0Post:2c866a1f-a9b4-4117-af7d-b447fd7e13e3">Re: My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you for the advice. I am trying to plan a wedding for october 2012 which is why I'm trying to make the decision in the near future. When I said play a big role in helping me I didnt mean that Im going to be asking her to do a lot of the work. I would never ever take advantage of my friends. I guess I should have worded it differently. Im not the type of person who even likes to accept help from other people. <strong>What I meant is that as my MOH, I'm afraid that she will feel like she has to come dress shopping with me and help plan a shower, bachelorette party, etc. </strong>I dont want her to spend her time doing those things if it takes away from her own wedding planning.
  Posted by The+Bee+Keeper[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>She is not required to do any of those things.  Honestly, my brother is my MOH - I guarantee you he's not planning my shower or bachelorette, and he didn't come dress shopping with me, because he'd rather poke his own eyes out with forks than be in a dress store.  His only "job" is to be my best friend and to show up in the right tux on my wedding day.  If she's truly your best friend, ask her.  If she says she's worried about it being too time consuming for her, just tell her "Friend, I love you, and I don't expect you to do anything other than be there on my wedding day."  Done.</div>

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  January 2012

  [QUOTE] The wedding party is supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not the people most willing to be your unpaid wedding coordinator/<strong>throw the biggest parties</strong>/tie the most ribbons.  [/QUOTE]

  

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• zitiqueen member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_intended-moh-planning-her-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:217e6fee-9a79-4d56-8476-b6e1a0279cf0Post:2c866a1f-a9b4-4117-af7d-b447fd7e13e3">Re: My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you for the advice. I am trying to plan a wedding for october 2012 which is why I'm trying to make the decision in the near future. When I said play a big role in helping me I didnt mean that Im going to be asking her to do a lot of the work. I would never ever take advantage of my friends. I guess I should have worded it differently. Im not the type of person who even likes to accept help from other people<strong>. What I meant is that as my MOH, I'm afraid that she will feel like she has to come dress shopping with me and help plan a shower, bachelorette party, etc. I dont want her to spend her time doing those things if it takes away from her own wedding planning.
  </strong>Posted by The+Bee+Keeper[/QUOTE]
  
  She's a grown adult, right? She's more than capable of deciding these things for herself.

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• KatePlusNate04 member

  

  January 2012

  The thing is, MOHs don't plan weddings; brides and grooms (and possibly wedding planners) do. So really you'd be asking her if she could be available for your wedding and be able to get the dress you all decide on. FWIW, my MOH was also planning her wedding for one month before mine. It was not a big deal, because like I said, she did not plan MY wedding. She planned hers; I planned mine, just as it should be.

  
  
  

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• LittleMissCutiePie

  

  January 2012

  Your only burden would be possibly the financial strain of buying a dress, but even then it shouldn't be an issue because you would discuss (privately) with her what her budget is. She doesn't have to help you plan, especially since she has a wedding of her own to plan, but she can decide if she can or can't deal with two weddings at once. Because, whether or not she helps you plan, you will go to her for her opinions and whatnot, and that can overwhelm someone. Just ask her, and go from there.

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• Elinetrouwt member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_intended-moh-planning-her-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:217e6fee-9a79-4d56-8476-b6e1a0279cf0Post:2c866a1f-a9b4-4117-af7d-b447fd7e13e3">Re: My intended MOH is planning her own wedding....</a>:
  [QUOTE]What I meant is that as my MOH, I'm afraid that she will feel like she has to come dress shopping with me and help plan a shower, bachelorette party, etc. I dont want her to spend her time doing those things if it takes away from her own wedding planning.
  Posted by The+Bee+Keeper[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>That would be up to her to decide. Ask her, tell her that you cannot image getting married without her by your side, but that you do realise that she is very busy, so she should not feel obliged doing all those things you mentioned, and you would understand if she declined.</div><div>
  </div><div>I would love to be a MOH at this point, because I'm all about weddings right now, and I'd love to have endless wedding discussions with my friend. It's easier for me to get excited about dresses, and organizing a bach party isn't that so much work that I couldn't afford it. I would be very disappointed if my best friend decided in my place that it would be too much to handle.</div>

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• graysquirrel member

  

  January 2012

  If you want her there, ask her. The only duties of a MOH are on the day of the wedding and usually include holing your bouquet and H's ring, signing the register, and maybe giving a speech. Anything else that she does for you is a gift that she can choose to give. If your friend wants to give you parties, then she will, but she shouldn't feel completely obligated to do it.

  

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