Facing the soon to be In laws

lestera · December 2012

My un-official fiance and I are planning our wedding but very few people know about it until he buys the ring. He came from a really bad past relationship so I understand why his family is concerned. He is trying to finish school and so his parents are supporting him slightly until he can become a graduate. They have told him several times to not even consider marriage until after school, which would be just fine however being a Christian couple it is getting hard to stay "pure" and financially it would be wise for us to be married sooner rather than later. I am so scared to face them with him and drop the news. We have not been dating very long it will be 5 months in January which seems crazy but when you know, you know. Should we wait and honor his parents wishes or do what we know we feel and what we feel is right? I would hate to plan a wedding and everything fall apart due to lack of support.....so overwhelmed right now. Any advise would be welcomed!

tiny speck · December 2012

I don't see how "financially it would be wise" for you to get married soon when you say his parents are supporting him as he goes through school. Unless of course you have finished school, have a job, and enough income to support both of you. Though it doesn't sound like that's the case. And this is just the most obviously practical of my concerns; 5 months is no time at all. Get to know each other better.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2012

Do you mean financially it will be better because you will be able to live together and won't have double the rent? I'll bring a different perspective to this, but it also depends on how old you are. We are a Christian couple and are waiting til our wedding night to have sex for the first time. We became engaged after 3 months, so I understand what you mean when you say when you know you know. That is very true. We are older at 27 and know what we are looking for. We have both experienced other relationships and had many life experiences that confirm we are right for each other. My parents were engaged after 6 weeks and have been married 33 years, but they were also older in their late 20's and knew what they were looking for and were ready to settle down. You shouldn't get married because you want to have sex and save money on rent. I know you love each other, but I urge you to wait until neither one of you is being supported by parents. If either of you are below 23, I urge you to wait even more. I know its hard to control your physical relationship, but self control is a virtue you need to strive toward. Don't get yourselves in situations where things can happen. Cuddling on the couch alone in a dark apartment is not wise. Be smart enough to know what situations are not conducive to maintaining your beliefs. I'm concerned that you are concerned that everything may fall apart without the support of your families. If you think that is the case, then your relationship isn't strong enough to handle such a major commitment right now. I can tell you from experience that I am so glad I waited til my mid to late twenties before making such a decision. We are both out of school and financially stable. When I was 22 I was in a very similar situation to what you describe here with my ex. Because we weren't ready to support ourselves and weren't out of school, our relationship had so much stress and it broke us apart. Be wise. Seek counsel with a pastor or trusted leader or married couple at your church. You might also find more support on the Christian Weddings board. It is under Cultural weddings over on the left. I wish you both luck.

Heffalump · December 2012

1. If you're actually planning a wedding, then there really isn't any "unofficial" about it. The ring isn't a magic wand, the act of two people planning to marry one another constitutes an engagement.

2. I need a shortcut to automatically post "If you're unable to stand up to either set of parents, you're not mature enough to get married." If you haven't yet acquired the ability to say "You may not agree with our decision, but it's right for us" then I'd work on that before I started ring shopping and party planning.

*Barbie* · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:c33b02f7-4b69-45dd-9788-eb6590e02d9f">Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]My un-official fiance and I are planning our wedding but very few people know about it until he buys the ring. He came from a really bad past relationship so I understand why his family is concerned. He is trying to finish school and so his parents are supporting him slightly until he can become a graduate. <strong>They have told him several times to not even consider marriage until after school, which would be just fine however being a Christian couple it is getting hard to stay "pure" and financially it would be wise for us to be married sooner rather than later. </strong>I am so scared to face them with him and drop the news. We have not been dating very long it will be 5 months in January which seems crazy but when you know, you know. Should we wait and honor his parents wishes or do what we know we feel and what we feel is right? I would hate to plan a wedding and everything fall apart due to lack of support.....so overwhelmed right now. <strong>Any advise would be welcomed!</strong><div>
Posted by lestera[/QUOTE]

</div><div>just have sex with him now, move in together when he finishes school and you can afford it, and wait until you're more financially secure to get married. </div><div>
</div><div>i really don't get the whole "waiting until you get married" to have sex - you wouldn't buy a car without taking a test drive, or purchase a house without doing a walk-through and inspection. if you're just with the one guy, and not Mary Magdaline-ing it up, where's the harm?</div>

lestera · December 2012

I am 24,finished with school and have a permanent job with benefits he only has a year left and pays his own bills and rent for his apartment. His parents are only supporting him until he finds a stable job while in school. We are planning on talking to them and letting them know that the choice we've made is ours. We don't want to marry just for the "lust" and financial reasons there is more involved I only put that those were some of our concerns. He'll finish school and will more than likely have to move, the field he is getting a degree in is needing people so it will be already lined up by the time he graduates. I can support myself and have been for quite some time now, so has he.

lestera · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:7247f7f8-a06a-45e4-a742-a50e5fe50840">Re: Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]1. If you're actually planning a wedding, then there really isn't any "unofficial" about it. The ring isn't a magic wand, the act of two people planning to marry one another constitutes an engagement. 2. I need a shortcut to automatically post "If you're unable to stand up to either set of parents, you're not mature enough to get married." If you haven't yet acquired the ability to say "You may not agree with our decision, but it's right for us" then I'd work on that before I started ring shopping and party planning.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

I am 24,finished with school and have a permanent job with benefits he only has a year left and pays his own bills and rent for his apartment. His parents are only supporting him until he finds a stable job while in school. We are planning on talking to them and letting them know that the choice we've made is ours. We don't want to marry just for the "lust" and financial reasons there is more involved I only put that those were some of our concerns. He'll finish school and will more than likely have to move, the field he is getting a degree in is needing people so it will be already lined up by the time he graduates. I can support myself and have been for quite some time now, so has he

lestera · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:5c4be783-bd04-465f-b812-9b3ce307c897">Re:Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello and welcome to the forums! To get a better idea of your situation, I have a few questions: how old are you and your SO? How long does he have before he finishes school, and is he in college or graduate school? Does he live with his parents? Are you living on your own currently?
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

I am 24,finished with school and have a permanent job with benefits he only has a year left and pays his own bills and rent for his apartment. His parents are only supporting him until he finds a stable job while in school. We are planning on talking to them and letting them know that the choice we've made is ours. We don't want to marry just for the "lust" and financial reasons there is more involved I only put that those were some of our concerns. He'll finish school and will more than likely have to move, the field he is getting a degree in is needing people so it will be already lined up by the time he graduates. I can support myself and have been for quite some time now, so has he

lestera · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:ff62f1ff-8fed-442a-a884-ed59e9bfd179">Re: Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see how "financially it would be wise" for you to get married soon when you say his parents are supporting him as he goes through school. Unless of course you have finished school, have a job, and enough income to support both of you. Though it doesn't sound like that's the case. And this is just the most obviously practical of my concerns; 5 months is no time at all. Get to know each other better.
Posted by tiny speck[/QUOTE]

I am 24,finished with school and have a permanent job with benefits he only has a year left and pays his own bills and rent for his apartment. His parents are only supporting him until he finds a stable job while in school. We are planning on talking to them and letting them know that the choice we've made is ours. We don't want to marry just for the "lust" and financial reasons there is more involved I only put that those were some of our concerns. He'll finish school and will more than likely have to move, the field he is getting a degree in is needing people so it will be already lined up by the time he graduates. I can support myself and have been for quite some time now, so has he

lestera · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:360608df-b773-4b52-a91b-0b5d1e81512f">Re:Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, copy and pasting the same response to everyone who asked questions/had input comes off as a little defensive and childish. Now the main point: my advice is to wait until your boyfriend is finished with school and has a job that provides a good income before getting engaged. After the engagement there is a wedding to save for, a household to establish and mutual bills to pay, and that's a lot of $$. He needs to be completely free of his parents' financial strings to reduce stress on your relationship. As long as they're helping him out, they have a say in his life...money talks. If he wants/needs their support to get him through his degree it would be a shame to blatantly piss them off by doing the one thing (getting engaged) they respectfully asked you both not to do. Five months is a VERY short time to be dating. You aren't past the honeymoon phase, regardless if you know he's "the one." Treat his parents with respect while you two continue dating. Don't be in a hurry to get engaged. There is no shame in being in a committed relationship while you're waiting on your boyfriend, and marriage is a huge step, especially if you're still a virgin. Good luck to you and I hope you'll listen to what others have said, despite your initial response having made it blatantly obvious you don't respect the feedback you've all ready been given.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

I apologize if that is what it looked like. I simply did not quite understand how to repsond until I had already gone through and did that. I did not know how this "blog, forum" what have you worked. I am taking everyone's advice and listening. Please do not judge me for lack of "understanding" on this site.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:68548d3a-ead2-4c5f-bc79-3cd64bf120e2">Re: Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Facing the soon to be In laws : just have sex with him now, move in together when he finishes school and you can afford it, and wait until you're more financially secure to get married. i really don't get the whole "waiting until you get married" to have sex - you wouldn't buy a car without taking a test drive, or purchase a house without doing a walk-through and inspection. if you're just with the one guy, and not Mary Magdaline-ing it up, where's the harm?
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

Your post is completely ignorant. Of course her beliefs are important to her and it is how she lives her life. She has stated this. Just because you don't "get" it or understand doesn't make it any less important to her .

Lestera, given the additional info, I vote for going forward with your engagement if you both are beyond confident each other is The One. Everyone is different. I can't imagine being with someone for 5 years before getting engaged and those that are don't understand how this could happen in 5 months. I understand and I feel you are well within your ability to become engaged.

lestera · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_facing-the-soon-to-be-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:52f3411b-8be4-4f49-bdd8-43ef9ebeba28Post:a0013451-5725-43d5-b495-ada7b86b04d5">Re: Facing the soon to be In laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Facing the soon to be In laws : Your post is completely ignorant. Of course her beliefs are important to her and it is how she lives her life. She has stated this. Just because you don't "get" it or understand doesn't make it any less important to her . Lestera, given the additional info, I vote for going forward with your engagement if you both are beyond confident each other is The One. Everyone is different. I can't imagine being with someone for 5 years before getting engaged and those that are don't understand how this could happen in 5 months. I understand and I feel you are well within your ability to become engaged.
Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your post. Our beliefs are very important to us and we respect those who see differently but it doesn't alter our choice. We've spoken to my side of the family and are praying and fasting to speak to his side. He has gone through a lot of pain and hurt from a past relationship and they just don't want him to be hurt again or to throw his life away like the last time. We are engaged and know we are adults that will ultimately decide when and how soon or long the wedding will be, however, we do want to respect his parents and show them that we care but we are making our own choices. We may be on the young side but by no means are we immature or irrational. I take all advice with a grain of salt but I only answer to one. We know marriage is a huge deal and we firmly want to stand on the belief that once we enter into marriage we will not divorce. There is not just ones individual heart at stake here but two individuals and their family's. I appreciate all advice that has been given. I sadly offended somone earlier on by not knowing how to respond and I hope i have gotten better on this site :P