How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid

StephJean83 · September 2012

How can I tactfully tell someone that she isn't going to be a bridesmaid? My wedding is still a few years out and despite that come the holiday time, my fiance and I will start asking various friends and family members to be apart of our wedding. Right now, if we ask everyone we both want, our wedding party will be 8 girls and 8 guys plus ushers and personal attendants. I have one friend who has made it known, she expects to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding and when things were first being discussed, I felt put on the spot and didn't know what to say to her. My fiance wanted to meet her first before he gave any type of input and when he met her he said that he felt she would be the bridesmaid that would do anything to ruin the wedding. I have since stopped all wedding talks with her. I know talking to her in person over lunch or coffee would be a good idea but we live in different states(about 2 hrs apart) and actually never see each other and really only talk over FB. I don't even have her phone number! Any help is appreciated!

kmmssg · September 2012

I am a 3 time MOB so I'd like to share a couple of things with you.

1.Read this and the wedding party board. You will seriously regret asking people to be in your wedding when it is more than 2 years in the future. Wait til you INSIDE the 12 month window to ask. Relationships change, people move, get new jobs, new friends, new responsibilities, etc. These boards are rife with "I want to fire my BM" or "I want to demote a BM or MOH". Just don't do it.

2. Let's talk about the size of your bridal party because it carries a HEFTY price tag. There is nothing wrong with 16 attendants as long as you can fit it in your budget. Everyone of those people will need flowers for the ceremony, a nice thank you gift for being in the wedding, and they must be invited with their spouse/SO/date to the RD. That is 32 people you need to provide food and drink for at your rehearsal dinner. Are you prepared to work that into your budget? Between that and flowers and gifts for 16 people, it gets to be very expensive.

As far as your friend - you say nothing. It would really rude to say "hey you didn't make the BM cut." I know you would phrase it better than that, but that is what she would hear. You don't talk wedding around her, and when she mentions it, you just tell her you guys aren't selecting your bridal party for at least a year or so.

If you only take one thing from my post, please let it be to WAIT on choosing your bridal party. You can read multiple posts every week on here from brides who came to regret their choices because relationships changed or they met and became closer to someone else.

GoodLuckBear14 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-tell-someone-she-isnt-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e24541f-1668-4798-8628-b84200187326Post:4350125a-7326-4cd1-a7a0-c5e602e5bf0d">Re: How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a 3 time MOB so I'd like to share a couple of things with you. 1.Read this and the wedding party board. You will seriously regret asking people to be in your wedding when it is more than 2 years in the future. Wait til you INSIDE the 12 month window to ask. Relationships change, people move, get new jobs, new friends, new responsibilities, etc. These boards are rife with "I want to fire my BM" or "I want to demote a BM or MOH". Just don't do it. 2. Let's talk about the size of your bridal party because it carries a HEFTY price tag. There is nothing wrong with 16 attendants as long as you can fit it in your budget. Everyone of those people will need flowers for the ceremony, a nice thank you gift for being in the wedding, and they must be invited with their spouse/SO/date to the RD. That is 32 people you need to provide food and drink for at your rehearsal dinner. Are you prepared to work that into your budget? Between that and flowers and gifts for 16 people, it gets to be very expensive. As far as your friend - you say nothing. It would really rude to say "hey you didn't make the BM cut." I know you would phrase it better than that, but that is what she would hear. You don't talk wedding around her, and when she mentions it, you just tell her you guys aren't selecting your bridal party for at least a year or so. If you only take one thing from my post, please let it be to WAIT on choosing your bridal party. You can read multiple posts every week on here from brides who came to regret their choices because relationships changed or they met and became closer to someone else.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Co-signed,
GLB

Maggie0829 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-tell-someone-she-isnt-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e24541f-1668-4798-8628-b84200187326Post:8c5e5931-0d09-43ea-8adb-8f64359184a7">How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]How can I tactfully tell someone that she isn't going to be a bridesmaid? My wedding is <strong>still a few years out</strong> and despite that come the holiday time, my fiance and I will start asking various friends and family members to be apart of our wedding. Right now, if we ask everyone we both want, our wedding party will be 8 girls and 8 guys plus ushers and <strong>personal attendants</strong>. I have one friend who has made it known, she expects to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding and when things were first being discussed, I felt put on the spot and didn't know what to say to her. <strong>My fiance wanted to meet her first before he gave any type of input</strong> <strong>and when he met her he said that he felt she would be the bridesmaid that would do anything to ruin the wedding</strong>. <strong>I have since stopped all wedding talks with her</strong>. I know talking to her in person over lunch or coffee would be a good idea but we live in different states(about 2 hrs apart) and actually never see each other and really only talk over FB. I don't even have her phone number! Any help is appreciated!
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

1) Do not ask anyone to be in your wedding until you are about 8-9 months out from your date. There are so many stories on these boards about brides wanting to kick out or "fire" one or more of their BMs because of one thing or another. Relationships change all of the time so the further out you ask the more possiblity that sh*t could hit the fan.

2) What the heck are personal attendants? They are not necessary. You and your FI do not need a personal "b*tch" the day of your wedding. Asking someone to be a personal attendant is basically telling them that they just weren't good enough to make the BM cut but are good enough to wait on you hand and foot. Ridiculous.

3) You and only you get to decide who your BMs will be. Same goes for your FI and his GMs. I think it is utterly ridiculous that your FI had to meet a potential BM and then to offer his rude a$$ input. What is worse is that you seem to have listened to his opinion about this girl whom he had just met and does not know well and then stopped talking with her at all about your wedding. You need to start thinking for yourself.

Your wedding party should be made up of individuals that are nearest and dearest to you, that are your best friends and those people that you could not imagine not standing up with you on your wedding day. If this friend is one of those people then she should be asked. If not, then simply do not talk about your wedding party and if she asks say that you haven't even thought about it.

Also, how do you know she even wants to be in your wedding? That is a bit presumptuous on your part. Not everyone likes to be in weddings. Most would rather just attend as guests. And if you tell her that she is not going to be a BM, which is a slap in the face no matter how "tactfully" you say it, and she had never thought about being in your wedding then you will look like a fool.

Just don't talk about it. If you don't ask her eventually she will get the hint.

kmmssg · September 2012

Maggie - good catch on the personal attendant, I totally went right over that.

OP - think about what a personal attendant really does. They are the ONE person playing gopher, running around for you and the BM's, it is a glorified beotch job. Please do not go there, it is rude and really lets that person know how low they fell on the bridal party totem pole.

MairePoppy · September 2012

Please listen to kssmmg's advice.

I know you are excited and anxious to get on with your wedding planning. But first, hang out here and the wedding party board for a while. Read and learn from other's mistakes. There are so many posts from brides who chose too early and lived to regret it. In the course of two years your relationships with those nearest and dearest to you can change, even though you don't believe that right now.

To anyone who asks you if she is going to be a bm, say that you haven't decided yet on your wedding party because it's much too early.

Congratulations on your engagement.

JaxInBlue · September 2012

Completely agree with kmmssg and Maggie. February 2014 is the very earliest you should ask anyone to be in your wedding party. To not do that is inviting a bunch of stress and trouble, particularly given how other people's lives will progress in the (now) 26 months until your wedding - others may get married, have babies, begin or end jobs or relationships, experience significant financial swings, move, almost anything. Since once you ask there is no unasking, and there is no replacing or demoting, you don't want to put yourself in the position to hurt or end what are now meaningful relationships.

If you feel you will need someone to be your personal runner, time keeper and errand-person on your wedding day, you should plan now to hire a DOC as part of your budget. Personal attendant is a terrible "honor" to bestow on someone; it is essentially asking a friend who isn't close enough to be in the wedding instead work at your party.

Enjoy your engagement and the downtime you have now before the crunch to get the little things done sets in!

StephJean83 · September 2012

I guess, I don't really see "relationships" changing between my sisters and myself or between my FH and his sister and sis in law or his brothers and him or his cousins and him. Most of our WP is family(siblings or cousins) and we want to ask over the holidays when we will be seeing them vs calling them over the phone and asking. Our families are all over the country and will be "home" for Christmas this year(not guaranteed they will make it back "home" between than and our wedding due to other family holidays/vacations). Our wedding is 2 yrs out due to the date we want and a close family member currently incarcerated until just before the wedding. I look at personal attentants as the female usher, someone who will sit guests, close the door before my big entrance, not personal b*tch. I had a very good friend say, IF she would be a WP member, she'd rather do that vs being a BM. I had a different friend express interest to sing in the wedding(even singing country music that she doesnt like but knows that I do). Regardless of when I ask my sister or his sisters or he asks his brothers, my question was about letting someone who has stated she is expecting to be a BM that she will NOT be one. She saw a picture of a dress I "pinned" and said that she would wear that, she told me that the GM she is paired with has to be cute/single/not too short/not fat and various other "demands". My FH wanted to meet her because he was seeing me upset about this and since it is HIS WEDDING too, he gave input about what he thought of her. When I say, that he felt she would be the type to ruin the wedding, she stated that if I asked my BM to buy all the same dress, stay at the ceremony site for pictures or other "demands" that she didn't like, she would be pouring water all over me(even on the wedding day while I was in my dress) and she was not joking. She is overdramatic, including pouting and ingoring people on the camping trip because 2 girls had another mutual friend of ours trim their hair while we were camping(the girl went to school for hair cutting but currently is only doing it on the side as she is currently not working/pursuing that as a career and the mutual friend is currently in school to cut hair). Prior to this summer's camping trip, I had not seen this girl in over 5 years. I'm not looking for advice on when I should ask my sisters, cousins and yes a few friends, or his brothers, cousin and a few friends to be WP members or what titles I should use(personal attentant vs usherette) but how to tell this girl(who has come out and stated she IS a BM) that she is not going to be a BM but a guest at the wedding. I would offer to have her speak at the wedding but we haven't written our ceremony yet as to know whether we will have others speak or just our officiant.

Muffin'sMom · September 2012

You think family doesn't change? That being said...don't say you weren't warned!

StephJean83 · September 2012

I know family can change HOWEVER I doubt my sisters and I will stop talkingconsidering we talk multiple times a week and have for years. Like I've previously said my question isn't about when to ask my WP but how to let someone who has stated she is a BM that she is NOT a BM.

libby2483 · September 2012

If you hadn't seen this person in five years prior to your camping trip and don't even have her phone number, it sounds like you are not very close anyway. Don't approach her and tell her that she didn't make the cut, no matter how nice you phrase it. She will catch on once she hasn't been asked. However, if she does ask about it, politely say, "We couldn't ask everyone we are close to to be in the wedding party. We can't wait to celebrate with you as a guest." Then follow PP's bean-dipping advice and change the subject. Ditto everyon'e advice about waiting until about 9 months to ask your wedding party, even if they are family.

JaxInBlue · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-tell-someone-she-isnt-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e24541f-1668-4798-8628-b84200187326Post:93e4f2cf-f356-4cbf-b8d8-09dcc4189dcd">Re:How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I know family can change HOWEVER I doubt my sisters and I will stop talkingconsidering we talk multiple times a week and have for years. Like I've previously said my question isn't about when to ask my WP but how to let someone who has stated she is a BM that she is NOT a BM.
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

Your relationship with your sisters may not change but some of the circumstances in their lives might - circumstances that might affect how comfortable they are participating in your wedding. DH and I were engaged for a year. In that year, my sister/MOH changed jobs, started a graduate degree program and moved to a new state. Any one of those factors might have been a reason she would have wanted to step down. Not asking until you are closer (6-9 months out) is a way not to create a stressful situation for you and your FI or for the people you ask, or to make anyone feel they are "locked in" to participating in your wedding regardless of what is going on in her life.

I understand wanting to ask people in person, all at once, whatever, but I still think you'd be better off waiting until you are closer to the wedding, asking those people you can in person and calling or writing the rest.

When the time to ask bridal party does come, just as those you want. Do not preemptively try to explain to someone why she isn't a bridesmaid. Any answer will be hurtful. If she asks and attempts to change/avoid the subject by you are ignored, then you have to make a call about the quality of the friendship, if you want to maintain it and respond with an appropriate level of candor.

Maggie0829 · September 2012

OP, when you post on these boards you open yourself to all types of comments and opinions on EVERYTHING that you have posted.

We are just trying to give you advice on things we have either experienced ourselves or have seen happen over and over again from other brides on these boards.

Also, every poster prior to your little rant gave you advice on your primary question so I don't see what you are complaining about.

Finally, relationships with family members can change no matter how close you are now something can happen where there is a falling out and cut off of communication. I know no one ever wants to consider a thing like that happening but sometimes it does.

Like a PP said, don't say we didn't warn you if the crap hits the fan a year or so from now.

StephJean83 · September 2012

I guess what I am wanting to know is,do I just not say anything despite that she has told mutual friends she is a BM and while we were camping said that she is only looking to get a job so she can buy a BM dress. At that point of the camping trip I said, "we haven't made any decisions on dresses but getting a job to pay for your bills is always a good thing!" I had a few mutual friends call me asking about the wedding because they hadn't heard anything from me directly about even being engaged and she was telling them that she was a BM. As much as I love the bean dip suggestion, I think I'd have to give her a bean dip receipe to try to distract her because as I've said, most of our communications are through FB. When she had approached me prior to us being engaged about being a BM I had said that I was waiting to ask until after we were engaged because the wedding is still a few years out, but from what friends have told me, she just took that being that she is a BM and she is just holding out that I am going to be asking her to be MOH.

Maggie0829 · September 2012

When you don't start giving her information regarding the BM dresses, or rehearsal time, or when to be ready the day of or anything that your wedding party will need to know she should get the hint.

Honestly, I would just completely stop talking to her about your wedding and since you primarily talk via FB this should be an easy thing to do. If she asks questions just ignore them or talk about something else.

Unless you have come right out and asked "Will you be my BM?" you are in no way doing anything wrong. For her to just tell people she is a BM in your wedding when she is not will only make her look like an idiot not you.

kmmssg · September 2012

Well, she seems to be telling the world she is a BM so you need to address this, but not on FB. You are going to have to tell her that you are sorry if there was any misunderstanding, but she will not be in the bridal party. Be firm, upfront, but as kind as you can. If you beat around the bush, it will just be worse. If she asks why, you don't owe her an explaination, you just tell her that you guys are keeping it to family with siblings and cousins. No FB, no texting, at least call her.

MairePoppy · September 2012

I can see why you would like to be a bit more proactive, since she is publicly posting that she is a bridesmaid. I second kmmssg's recommendation, in your case. It's probably going to hurt her feelings, but you are going to have to be straightforward about this. Don't offer her a specific reason for your decision because she may argue the point with you. Better to get this over with sooner, rather than later.

Good luck.

msuprincess04 · September 2012

Don't post wedding stuff on FB. Unless you plan on inviting every person on the list as a guest. Otherwise, it's just mean to tell people all about this amazing party that they aren't invited to. Which looks similar to the problem you already in. Plus, it's really annoying.

When it stops showing up there, and she no longer hears about it. She'll figure it out.

StephJean83 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-tell-someone-she-isnt-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e24541f-1668-4798-8628-b84200187326Post:f140e1aa-0de7-4a38-b064-6128e81461c7">Re: How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't post wedding stuff on FB. Unless you plan on inviting every person on the list as a guest. Otherwise, it's just mean to tell people all about this amazing party that they aren't invited to. Which looks similar to the problem you already in. Plus, it's really annoying. When it stops showing up there, and she no longer hears about it. She'll figure it out.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

I haven't posted anything on there related to our wedding. It just happens to be the form of communication I have with this particular girl. Simply because I won't be inviting most of my extended family, I am keeping things off of there. I happened to start really talking to her because of the camping trip we had gone on this summer with a group of friends and she has a tent and without having to borrow one, it was easier to just share a tent with a group. And she in the private messages and on the trip had brought up wedding stuff(at the time of the trip we weren't engaged) and talking about how she was a BM. I didn't want to get into anything on the trip since we were with a group and she had already been acting bratty and just beat around the bush. I've since talked to her just not about wedding related things and usually have been dodging all wedding questions when she asks.

SW+SC · September 2012

You are probably going to hurt her feelings, but from what you've relayed here and the tone you seem to have, is that really a big deal? Of course there is no need to be a biotch, but this girl seems a little out of control. You haven't seen her in five years save for one camping trip, you don't see her regularly now, and you don't have her phone number.

Facebook does not a best friend make.

I'm not really sure why she would even be invited to the wedding. If you feel the need to spell it out to her, be direct, to the point, and as firm as you need to be. But if you can stand the ridiculous remarks a while longer, she will *probably* get the point that she isn't in the wedding.
If you decide to go this route, I would say something after she makes a 'I'm a BM' remark because bringing it up only to tell her she isn't in the wedding will probably make you look bad. And you don't owe her a explanation.

Most importantly, keep in mind that when you look back on your wedding in 10 or 15 years, this girl and this situation won't matter in the slightest..so don't let it stress you too much!!
Good Luck!!

aliciamarieee · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-tell-someone-she-isnt-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e24541f-1668-4798-8628-b84200187326Post:4350125a-7326-4cd1-a7a0-c5e602e5bf0d">Re: How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a 3 time MOB so I'd like to share a couple of things with you. 1.Read this and the wedding party board. You will seriously regret asking people to be in your wedding when it is more than 2 years in the future. Wait til you INSIDE the 12 month window to ask. Relationships change, people move, get new jobs, new friends, new responsibilities, etc. These boards are rife with "I want to fire my BM" or "I want to demote a BM or MOH". Just don't do it. 2. Let's talk about the size of your bridal party because it carries a HEFTY price tag. There is nothing wrong with 16 attendants as long as you can fit it in your budget. Everyone of those people will need flowers for the ceremony, a nice thank you gift for being in the wedding, and they must be invited with their spouse/SO/date to the RD. That is 32 people you need to provide food and drink for at your rehearsal dinner. Are you prepared to work that into your budget? Between that and flowers and gifts for 16 people, it gets to be very expensive. As far as your friend - you say nothing. It would really rude to say "hey you didn't make the BM cut." I know you would phrase it better than that, but that is what she would hear. You don't talk wedding around her, and when she mentions it, you just tell her you guys aren't selecting your bridal party for at least a year or so. If you only take one thing from my post, please let it be to WAIT on choosing your bridal party. You can read multiple posts every week on here from brides who came to regret their choices because relationships changed or they met and became closer to someone else.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I second this. When we picked our date, we were 18-ish months out. I had planned on asking quite a few girls to stand up with me, but held off for a while. I'm 9 months out from my wedding now, and I'm GLAD I waited. With our budget, not o mention waivering friendships, it was more realistic to keep our bridal party small, and only ask those I know would be supportive and totally on board with the BM role.

</div>

OwningAHome1981 · September 2012

In Response to Re:How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid:[QUOTE]I guess, I don't really see quot;relationshipsquot; changing between my sisters and myself or between my FH and his sister and sis in law or his brothers and him or his cousins and him. Most of our WP is familysiblings or cousins and we want to ask over the holidays when we will be seeing them vs calling them over the phone and asking. Our families are all over the country and will be quot;homequot; for Christmas this yearnot guaranteed they will make it back quot;homequot; between than and our wedding due to other family holidays/vacations. Our wedding is 2 yrs out due to the date we want and a close family member currentlynbsp;incarcerated until just before the wedding.nbsp;I look at personal attentants as the femalenbsp;usher, someone who will sit guests, close the doornbsp;before my big entrance, notnbsp;personal btch. I had a very good friend say,nbsp;IF she would be a WP member, she'd rather do that vs being a BM. I had a different friend express interest to sing in the weddingeven singing country music that she doesnt like but knows that I do.nbsp;Regardless of when I ask my sister or his sisters or he asks his brothers, my question was about letting someone who has stated she is expecting to be a BM that she will NOT be one. She saw a picture of a dress I quot;pinnedquot; and said that she would wear that, she told me that the GM she is paired with has to be cute/single/not too short/not fat and various other quot;demandsquot;. My FH wanted to meet her because he was seeing me upset about this and since it is HIS WEDDING too, he gave input about what he thought of her. When I say, that he felt she would be the type to ruin the wedding, she stated that if Inbsp;asked my BM to buy all the same dress,nbsp;stay at the ceremony site for pictures or other quot;demandsquot; thatnbsp;she didn't like, she would be pouring water all over meevennbsp;on the wedding day while I was in my dress and she was notnbsp;joking.nbsp;She is overdramatic, including pouting and ingoring peoplenbsp;on the camping trip because 2 girls had anothernbsp;mutual friend of oursnbsp;trim their hair while we were campingthe girlnbsp;went to school for hair cuttingnbsp;but currently is only doing it on the sidenbsp;as she isnbsp;currently not working/pursuing that as a career and the mutual friend is currently in school to cut hair.nbsp;nbsp;Prior to this summer's camping trip, I had not seen this girl in over 5 years. I'm not looking for advice on when I should ask my sisters, cousins and yes a few friends, or his brothers, cousin and a few friends to be WP members or what titles I should usepersonal attentant vs usherette but how to tell this girlwho has come out and stated she IS a BM that she is not going to be a BM but a guest at the wedding. I would offer to have her speak at the wedding but we haven't written our ceremony yet as to know whether we will have others speak or just our officiant. Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

A lot can change in 2 years... Especially in regards to relationships. Heck I went from being single to engaged in less than 2 years.

How to tell someone she isn't a bridesmaid

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