Frustrated...

tszostek · June 2012

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Summer2011Bride · June 2012

I get being frustrated if someone said they'd be somewhere and then they aren't, but it really is not necessary for her to be around a whole month before your wedding. What do you need help with? Why can't FI help you with those things, since, you know, it's HIS wedding and YOUR wedding, not MOH's?

As far as the bustle, my MOH couldn't come to that appt. either. I just explained it to her the day of. I also don't see why you couldn't have her come to the appt 2 weeks beforehand. Wouldnt the bustle already be put in if the seamstress is showing you how to do it? What would the seamstress still need 2 weeks for? I guess I don't understand that part. We were able to wait in the store while the seamstress steamed it. Even if you couldn't, it surely wouldn't take 2 or even 1 week for that.

misssunshine17 · June 2012

I'm sorry you feel that way, but you are expecting way too much out if her. She doesn't need to do anything but show up in the dress and smile for pictures. You'll be happier if you lower your expectations of her.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:b66138ce-b718-410f-8c98-28313c0aa0eb">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance works from 6 AM until 9 PM 6 days a week.. so he can't really help with anythign anymore since he started this job... The reason my seamstress can't do it quickly like that is because it isn't her main job, she does alterations on the side. And I didn't want it 2 weeks before because in case she needs to fix anything on the dress she would have the time cuz again, it's not her main job, she only gets a couple hours a night to work on any alterations she has to do (not just on my dress) And if we waited until 2 weeks before the wedding, that would only give her 1 week to fix anything and steam it and my dress has many layers on it, so it takes a little while to steam and i have to pick it up at least a week before hand because I won't be back in town until after the wedding. And the reason i'm frsutrated is because it's stuff my MOH already agreed to do, and not she's not able to do it. I had a very set schedule on everything to ensure everything got done and i wasn't stressing about it all a few days before the wedding when i have a ton of family in town.
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

Your FI has the 7th day of the week open. I'm just saying I think it's unfair to blame your MOH because you and your FI are too busy/don't have the time to plan YOUR OWN wedding. That is not on her. What specifically do you still need done?

As far as the dress, it was my seamstress's side job too. She worked in a grocery store full-time and did alterations on the side. I still don't see why steaming it would take a whole week, even with many layers (my dress had layers too). The bottom line is: OK. You can be frustrated. But you're still going to have to figure something out and I don't think taking it out on your MOH is helpful.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:b972436a-81bb-4511-85db-ff522c6eab68">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]Again, I said was VENTING. I'm frustrated because she tells me things and then backs out. And if you look on the knot for what a maid of honor is supposed to do... it says help with prewedding tasks and attend bridal showers and all of that. She will not be attending my bridal shower, which my aunt took over after my MOH said she was going to plan it and then couldnt... And she hasn't helped with any prewedding tasks. And another reason i'm frsutrated is because she TOLD ME she would help me with these things, so i planned it to where we could do it right when she got back, and now she won't be back for it. And just because your seamstress had the time to do it in that short of time, doesn't mean everyone does. I was venting, i'm not taking anything out on my MOH, which is why i posted here instead of saying something to her. Thank you.
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

This is your first mistake. Do not look on TK for what people are supposed to do or wedding mags or anything like that. The wedding industry is all about making money, not caring for the people near and dear to you. All an MOH has to do is get the dress and show up on the day of your wedding. If she OFFERS (without you prodding her) to do extra stuff, great. But she is in no way, shape, or form required or obligated to. Once you stop thinking this way, I think your life will be a lot easier.

FWIW, it sounds like you are blaming MOH from what you posted. Venting is fine, but by venting on an international message board you are going to get opinions about what you post.

Regarding the seamstress situation, I don't care if our seamstresses are different, I still don't get why steaming a dress will take 1-2 weeks. Have you asked her this? I would just tell her "My wedding is on this day. I need my dress one week before the wedding." If she can't do that, then take your dress and your money to another seamstress.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

Well I don't know what to tell you. Even if your MOH offered to help, by what you posted in your last post, it seems you had unrealistic expectations of what an MOH should do or you wouldn't have said that in the first place.

Regarding the seamstress, again, I have no more suggestions. My last fitting was only 10 days before my wedding. My mom's last fitting in her dress was THREE days before. Our seamstress was willing to work with us and if anything needed fixing, she said she could get it done. I'm sure your seamstress does fine work, but if she isn't available to do what you need in the time frame you need but you aren't willing to cut it close or go to another seamstress, then I have no advice for you.

And whether or not your MOH is "flaking out" on things, it is what it is. You can either see if someone else can go to the fitting (which I mentioned my MOH wasn't even there for, yet could still figure out the bustle) or choose to cut it closer than you like. Those are your options.

purplebear17 · June 2012

So, a seamstress has a fitting dummy they sit the dress on, right? Have the seamstress show YOU how to bustle the dress at your appointment. When BM arrives on the wedding day, before you get dressed, show her how it works. It's a bustle - it's not rocket science. She will figure it out.

pkontk · June 2012

Your FI can't help because he works 6 days a week? I work 6 days a week and am planning my wedding with minimal help - my bff is designing the flowers as a gift to me, because she offered. FI does graphic design and is designing our invitations. I've done the rest of the leg work myself. Its wedding planning, not rocket science.

mellimel19 · June 2012

Can't you have your final fitting as planned and then just have your MOH come with you to learn how to do the bustle when you pick up the dress from the seamstress?

MairePoppy · June 2012

I'm sorry that your MOH committed to throwing your shower and then backed out at the last minute. Around here, it's typical of the MOB/MOG to host (or pay for) the shower, so I would have stepped up for my daughter, in this situation. You or she should have let some of the others that offered know that she couldn't do it.

You are over reacting to the dress bustling thing, though. There is no reason why you can't go to your dress fittings without your MOH. If I'm understanding correctly, your MOH will be arriving 2 weeks before your wedding. If the MOH can go with you to pick up the dress, after alterations are finished and it has been steamed, the seamstress can show her how to bustle it. If she can't go, she can show you. It's not so complicated.

I don't know what other little tasks the MOH agreed to help with. But you have plenty of notice to make other arrangements if you need help. Consider hiring someone to help out with last minute details - to give you peace of mind.

ETA - I just noticed that you are having a shower. I'm glad that worked out for you. Try to enjoy the guests that are there to celebrate with you.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:33e79651-c64f-4001-8573-aeba83b9179d">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]pkontk, Tell me when he can help when he works from 6AM (leaves at 5AM) and works until 9 AM and then he comes home eats dinner, showers and goes to bed because he has to get up really early in the morning. He has 1 day a week (which he sometiems works). It's interesting how you guys tell me you honestly wouldnt be upset if your maid of honor came up to you and was like i'm going to do your bridal shower.. so you tell everyone else who offers not to worry about it because she says shes going to do it, and then last minute she says she can't because she's going to stay for a little longer... ya'll are honestly saying you wouldnt be upset? You can say it all you want, but i can guarantee you would be. And i understand a Maid of honor only has to get her dress and show up, but if she tells you shes going to do these things, and you schedule appts for it and then she cancels last minute, i truly don't believe ya'll wouldnt be upset about that either. Especially when were pressed on time as it is. I dont know how things work with ya'll and your families/friends... but where i live and in my group of friends and everything our idea of maid of honor is to help with prewedding tasks... my MOH even said that at the beginning of all of the planning... She said that when i need help (because at that time my fiance had a different job and went with me to do everything) that it was her responsibility to help with it... Everyone has a different idea of what MOH, bridesmaids, groomsmen and all of that should do. Just because ya'lls idea is that they don't have to do anything, not everyone thinks that way. And I'm not saying that I'm making her do all of this stuff, but she said it was her responsiblity so she committed herself to go to these certain appts with me when I made the appts and she was there saying it worked for her and that she'd be there. If i would have known a little more in advance, i could have made arrangements to have my FMIL or my fiances sisters there. I just don't believe that if your bridesmaids, MOH, moms or anyone backed out lastm inute on something for you, you wouldnt be upset.
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

Taken from my very first post in this thread word for word:
"I get being frustrated if someone said they'd be somewhere and then they aren't, but it really is not necessary for her to be around a whole month before your wedding."

No one said they wouldn't be frustrated; you chose to ignore all of that and harp on why we're wrong that your FI can't help and that you can't bustle your dress. Honestly, from what you have posted on here, you sound like a drama queen.

Be frustrated that she backed out, but that is STILL no excuse for EVER wanting or needing her to be there a whole month before your wedding. And that still is no reason why your FI can't help if it's too much for you to do alone. This is a party. An important party, yes, but it's still a one-day party. You are putting entirely too much stress into this. Your FI has one day a week off, which you acknowledged. If you have too much to do alone, you tell him, "FI, I really would like your help doing wedding stuff on your day off this week or it won't get done." Period. No one else is obligated to help you, whether it's normal in your circle for them to do this or not.

And myself as well as others have given you tips on the bustling thing, which you seem to just ignore. It really is not that big of a deal. Take a deep breath and calm down.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

OP - if you are seriously under this much stress, you need to hire someone to help you. You are making mountains out of molehills here.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

Okay. Anyone with half a brain cell can figure out the bustle of a dress. It is not the end of the world if she isn't shown by a pro how to do it. Even if she can't figure it out, I guarantee there will be someone at your wedding who has done it before.

As for the alterations, find another seamstress. Seriously. My seamstress did my wedding dress alterations in one day. It took me all of ten minutes to steam my own dress.

As for the showers, if you get one, have fun. If you don't, it's not something that you are entitled to. The only shower I had was a surprise one that the girls at work (none of whom were even invited to the wedding) threw for me.

Take a step back and realize that the rest of the world does not stop for your wedding. Your MOH had a change of plans because a fantastic opportunity came along. Be a grown up and deal with the inconvenience that her no longer additional help will cause you.

purplebear17 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:2107d57c-572e-406b-b9a9-051f99e0165a">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]We're on a very limited budget, we don't have the money to just hire people. I'm not only concerned about the appointment for the alterations, it's everything put together... and for the one who said MOB or MOG should have stepped up to plan the shower, my mom lives 9 hours away and we have absolutely no family or friends where she lives, and my fiances mom lives over 2 hours away from any other friends or family. It's not really logical for them to plan because no one would show up. And I don't need her for the whole month before the wedding, I needed her there for the appointments she told me to make so she could be there.. and my fiance only has sundays off, when we gets those off and most vendors will not make appointments for sundays.
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

Re: the shower - not everyone gets one. It sucks that she said she'd do one and now she can't. I'll give you that, that is disappointing. I was in a similar spot - limited budget, far away from my family - you just have to make do with what you have and be grateful for what you get.

I am still not understanding the one month thing the way you explain it. She's not "cutting it close" by getting back a month or two weeks ahead. Cutting it close would be getting in the night before! You said she doesn't need to be there for the whole month, but she needs to go to appts at least a month out - sure sounds like she's supposed to be there at least some time in that month. You need to think about this from her side. She has an opportunity of a lifetime to study abroad, and you want her to come back early to learn how to bustle *your* dress. If my best friend thought I should end my study abroad early so I could come learn to bustle her dress I would feel like she thought my life and studies were worthless. It's just not fair or respectful of her and her life. She can't put everything on hold for your one day. I understand being disappointed - I really do - but sometimes these things just happen.

MairePoppy · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:1181c849-9d23-4167-90cf-4b20f1cb4111">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think ive been pretty understanding with this. Like i said, she said she was going to plan my bridal shower, then she backed out. And now she won't even be attending my shower at all..
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

Apparently someone stepped up to host your shower, so the complaint is that your MOH won't be attending. You are making a big deal out of nothing. Plenty of brides have long distance MOH, bm and close family members that will only make it for the wedding day. And they are happy for that. You shouldn't expect someone to give up an extra month (week, day, whatever) in Europe in order to attend a shower and learn how to bustle a dress.

You have been offered suggestions which you have dismissed as impossible. You will have to figure out your own solution.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

You should be thankful you are getting a shower as they aren't required. Two of my BMs couldn't attend my shower and I didn't throw a hissy fit. OK MOH can't attend it. Move on.

Seriously your wedding is one day and you can't expect others to stop their lives for it. Her studying abroad experience is probably very important to not just her education but possibly future career. You're seriously wanting her to jeopardize that so she can be at a bridal shower and go to a dress appt with you (I still don't get the whole dress timeline either; I think you're way overthinking this). I mean, take a step back and really put this all in perspective. You're being out of line with what you think she has to do.

SKPM · June 2012

I get that you're frustrated because you feel like your MOH flaked on you. I get it, and that would really annoy me too. But not enough to take it out on my best friend for taking a potentially life-changing opportunity. I'd also like to add: my seamstress drew my mother a diagram as to how to bustle my dress. It isn't complicated, but it's a nice back-up thing to have (for my peace of mind) since we may all be a bit frazzled that day. It's literally a picture of the back of my dress, with arrows showing where it gets buttoned.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5048c8dd-40de-49a5-ab01-9317862a5394Post:36b3ff4e-f18c-4859-a0c0-67a5d864ee46">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not asking her to come back early, she will be over there for her whole study abroad program, shes staying after her program ends. and like i said before it's not all about the alterations appointment, and just because one of you had your whole dress altered in 1 day, doesn't mean anything. Most people have multiple appointments. And no, this study abroad program won't make or break her career since she's not taking any classes over there that even haev to do with her degree. And it's not a once in a lifetime experience because she has gone over there before. And she is cutting it close, because she still has to get her dress altered, and she wants to go where she got her dress, and they said it takes at least a month because of all the dresses they get for this time of year and bridesmaids dresses are last on their list.
Posted by tszostek[/QUOTE]

You still aren't sounding any better. It doesn't matter if she has done this before. It is still a great opportunity that she should not pass up or cut short.

My point was that if a wedding dress could be altered in one day, a freaking BM's dress can also be altered in one day if need be.

Trust her to be an adult. If the dress is baggy on her because she didn't get it altered in time, then she'll be the one looking ill-fitted (and no, your photos are not going to be a consideration in anyone's answers because most of us understand that it s the people who count, not the clothes. If you want perfect clothing standing with you, hire models or buy mannequins). If the store tells her that it will take a month, it isn't difficult to find another seamstress.

These are not problems and you are trying to turn them into some sort of drama.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

There's no use deleting when you've been quoted multiple times. Beyond that, it's a good idea not to because another bride might come on here with a similar situation and could benefit from reading your thread. But OK then. I have a feeling you will not take any of our advice and continue to be stubborn, so there isn't much else to say anyhow.

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