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Vent: FMIL & Registry

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
First Comment
in New Jersey

When "But I like it" isn't good enough:

So FI and I desided Sat morning that we were going to go register that day. After 10 exhausting hours at the mall we only completed about 80% of what we wanted (we're undecided on what kind of bed we're going to purchase so we didn't register for anything bedroom wise).

Months ago FMIL had mentioned to me that she and my mother should go with me one day and tell me what's good and what's not and THEN he and I could go register. That didn't happen. As we were registering I looked at FI and said "you know your mother will have a comment about everything right?" and naturally she did.

At dinner last night with his parents, brother and sister in law I got an earfull. She wants to sit down with me one day and go through each and every item on the registries so she can approve/dissaprove. Each. And. Every. Item.

The comments at dinner all started with "SHE registered for...." Umm, no, every single thing was a WE decision, which is why it took forever.

"She registered for too many serving dishes" - WE registered for two platters and one chip/dip server

"Why did you even register for something that's only $10?!" - because it's part of a set. I dont know one person that's going to purchase only a creamer when there are matching sugar holders, teapot, cups and saucers that go with it. Also, not everybody is as wealthy as you are, our friends will be at the shower/wedding too - not just your 120 invited friends that neither of us know.

"She registered for a pot that I already have. I'll just give you mine" - WE would like our own things thank you very much

I stayed quiet the whole time to be respectful - it's his place to say something, not mine. Conveniently everything was said when he was outside trying to get the puppy to "do business" because last time she tried saying stuff he told her to stop.

Background info: we purchased stackable red washer/dryer for our home - she insisted we get side by side white ones. Every color we painted the rooms with she had a problem with because they weren't white or cream. He said "Mom it's my house!" and she wouldn't speak to him for 2 days.

At the end of her little rant about "me"  I said "But these things are all things we both liked and make us happy" and thats when she asked me to come over one day so we could sit down and go through the registries.

My mother? I showed her everything we chose and she said "How exciting! Very niiiice"

Sigh.

Sorry for the vent. I don't even know if I want advice. Just a pat on the back or a hug? =/

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Re: Vent: FMIL & Registry

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    smw42smw42 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I say this is FI's battle to fight. He needs to stand up to his mom and tell her to pipe it. If she doesn't speak to him for two days then so be it- this is only the beginning.
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    wagnerdiwagnerdi
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    AHHH! Congrats for keeping your mouth shut and trying to keep the piece...I wouldn't have been able to take it. Did you talk to FI about her butting in and having to "approve" everything and how it bothers you? You're right, it is his place to say something to her.
    At the end of the Day, it's YOUR day and YOUR life and things...smile, nod, and register for what you want.
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    Denise91980Denise91980 member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I feel your pain....FMIL is making lots of comments to me about not wanting to be at the venue early for pics, how I shouldn't have a kids table, and seating arrangements.....Try your best to brush it off and ignore it...that is what I have been doing and I have been having FI address her when she is out of line. Sometimes it is better to avoid the argument and grit your teeth and bear it, as tough as it is....this is the time when everyone should be happy for you and accept your decisions without throwing in their 2 cents....sorry you have to go through that.
    PS.....is your dog a Doberman? If so I love the ears and that they haven't been cut....cute pup!
    BFP #1 1/1/11 EDD 9/10/11 dx:no hb DNC on 2/2/11 BFP #2 12/28/11 natural m/c on 2/6/12 BFP#3 2/16/13 dx:ectopic on 2/27 (given methotrexate)
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    gymchick05gymchick05
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just ignore her- wait till you have kids- im sure she will be even worse. Ignore her, smile, nod and do whatever you want. If she keeps bring it up, I would just nicely ask her how the colors of YOUR home or the items on YOUR registry impact her? When she has no answer, you can say thats right, they dont so WE are getting what WE want. When you go shopping for yourself you get what you want and not what I told you too and vice versa.

    Or you and your FI can give her a taste of her own medicine and question every color, decoration etc in her home and every shopping decision and tell her her choices s*ck and she needs to sit down w/ you and learn what she should be buying instead - she makes until she gets the point.

    I do feel really bad for you! Im really happy my FMIL doesnt appear to be like this, but I know many are. 
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't go over her house. Don't respond when she criticizes your choices. Change the subject if she starts talking about the registry. If she persists, get up and walk out of the house.

    I would also suggest having a talk with your FI about cutting the cord.
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    kwilkinson14kwilkinson14
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    AHHHH is right! It is your FI that needs to take control of your FMIL. I would just brush it off and keep going. I wouldn't change anything on your registry. It is the things that YOU will need after your FI and you get married. I can't believe people would even try to assume the things that you should or should not need. Everyone is different and want different things.

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    akmackayakmackay
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do not go over there and allow her to approve/disapprove everything. It's your registry and I'm sure it will change from now until the wedding anyways. Not her place to say anything at all.
    *~allie~*

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    jaimelodyjaimelody
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good for you for keeping your mouth shut and not stirring her up anymore! At the end of the day what you and FI want is the only thing that matters. It sounds like you registered for a good amount of items as well - Some people will want to buy you several smaller things rather than one large item - so I think it's good you registered for those $10 items. It must be difficult for your FI to approach this topic - but you are right it is his position to put her in her place.
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    diamondx423diamondx423
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with pps, avoid her if you can. my fmil thinks that i'm incompetent and criticizes everything i do and every penny i spend. i just avoid seeing her or talking to her at all, and fi hardly leaves my side if we do see each other. it really sucks, but mb is right; if she starts change the subject or walk out.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh, and if she knows the password to your registry account, make sure you change it. In fact, maybe even change it frequently (or make it something she'd never, ever guess, like random letters and numbers).
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ha, dont worry - FI got to hear everything on the drive home after dinner. We got a few laughs out of it all and that relaxed me but its still eating away at me a little.

    Like you guys said - how do my forks and knives effect her? Unless I'm registering for aprons that read "I hate my mother in law" it really doesn't.

    Thanks for all the verbal pats on the back. Makes me feel better!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Oh and Denise91980:
    Yes that's our little Doberman mix - I love her floppy ears and long tail! =)

    FMIL has given us advice on how to raise a dog too - even though they never had one.
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    demarcosjddemarcosjd
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp's try and ignore her even though I know it is hard. My MIL is something else and always tries to bring up things when her and her husband got married or that they didn't have some of the thing MH and I do. He finally spoke up and things have gotten better. They have also gotten a lot better since we've been married. Does she act this way towards your FSIL? It might be her weird way of still trying to have some sort of control since you aren't married yet. Good luck and try not to let it get to you. You have the right attitude this is you and your FI's day and things that you both like not for anyone else.
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    gymchick05gymchick05
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    haha - maybe you should register for an "I hate my mother in law apron" just for fun hahaha :) jk sounds like you did way better w/ your registry than my FI & I did the 1st time out. We only spent an hour scanning stuff before we got bored and left- we arent big shoppers.
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    uppereastgirluppereastgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ugh, that is super frustrating.  I admire your patience with her so far.  I agree with the others who said that it is your fiance's battle to fight -- I always think the boys should get involved in the issues with their moms.  Less chance of alienating someone.


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    NJBRIDE324NJBRIDE324 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Good job keeping quiet.  I am sure it was not easy to do.  Did you tell your fiance afterwards what she was saying to you?  I am assuming you did?  If so did he ever confront his mom about it?  It seems like this woman needs to be put her in place by your fiance.  Its your house your mortgage so paint the walls whatever you want :) 

    P.S. everything white and beige?  It does not sound like she has good taste.  And I love the washer and dryer that you guys bought!

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    mariaNryan mariaNryan
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I give you soo many applauds for keeping quite because I would have never been quite about it!
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You guys are great! I just want to hug you all haha

    Yes, FSIL had the same problems. FMIL is also one to dwell on things. She still mentions to me "I told (insert FSIL's name here) they should get a band for the wedding. No, she wanted a DJ." - It's been 6 years since they've married and she's still upset about it. But I get what you're saying, it's just the way she is.

    I DO believe I'm getting a bit more sufficated than FSIL got because I'm marrying the miraclel baby of the family. (He almost died during birth plus it was a difficult 10 month (yes TEN - back in '77 they didn't do a C-section/induce after 2 weeks) pregnancy)

    As for her love of white/beige - I think her taste is a generational thing. She's in her mid 60's. The thought of a dark red livingroom is crazy to her. Recently she asked me "how do you like your washer and dryer?" and I made sure to enphasize how wonderful and powerful they are and not noisy at all, etc, etc...
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    Sonita12Sonita12
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that there are sometimes things that we inherit as we marry into a family and I definitely give you a congrats and a hug for not flipping out on her. You don't have to go over and spend time with her looking at your at your FH's registry so just change the subject if she ever brings it up. This whole marriage thing can be strange as it's two people coming together raised by what can sometimes be very different marriages.
    I'm the youngest of 4 by a lot of years and I've seen all different dynamics between in-laws. Chin up! And I'm sure everything you picked is beautiful!
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    K&J64K&J64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Dal, you're a saint honey! I would have flipped a $h!t! Granted I worked at Crate & Barrel for almost 5 years through college and a little after while I was job hunting so I'm pretty well versed as to what should and should not be a on registry ($10 items SHOULD be btw, because a) you want/need them b) like you said not everyone is loaded and some friends may want to put together a bunch of kitchen gadgets and dishtowels as a shower gift - which are very useful!) so anyone telling me what not to register for will certainly get an earful and a half from me, I don't care who they are.

    I can only imagine the BS you'll have to deal with if you guys have kids and her trying to tell you how to raise your kids too. Your fiance needs to put a stop to it now, she needs to learn if she doesn't have anything nice to say, she needn't say anything at all! Wink

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