First awkward guest list moment... Advice?

Re: First awkward guest list moment... Advice?

• Meegles4 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Personally I don't think you can judge or block who she brings, unless you felt there's a very real possibility yours or your guest's safety would be in danger. That being said, if your guest list is tight and you don't have room for +1's of people who are truly single, then I think you can enforce that with her. She'd be coming with other family so it's not like she won't know anyone. I might have an issue going solo to a friend's wedding, but family. Not really. I'd be prepared for other single folks to bring this up to you as well - at least your cousin is giving you good practice

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• Meg1036

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  This is actually simple, since you can just tell her that due to guest list pressures, there are no +1s for single guests.
  
  You should save the judgement about her choice in men.

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• emarston1 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_first-awkward-guest-list-moment-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:2dc01c60-7ba1-4992-9ffa-f1b28f6034d5Post:f7ef0af6-55b1-4a12-9fcf-4167017a1391">Re: First awkward guest list moment... Advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]This is actually simple, since you can just tell her that due to guest list pressures, there are no +1s for single guests. You should save the judgement about her choice in men.
  Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]
  Ditto Meg.  Plus as PP pointed out, since she will have family with her, I wouldn't say that she's coming alone.  I wouldn't give her the option because other single guests aren't getting a date either.  The only time I would make an exception would be if they truly wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding.
  
  Do you think one of these thugs would come all the way from Arizona if it wasn't a serious relationship?  I can't imagine some random would pay for a ticket, hotel, other expenses to spend a lot of quality time with the family unless they were serious (I know I wouldn't.)  But just in case, I wouldn't give her the option.
  
  ETA:  But keep in mind with all of your single guests that a lot can change in the next 8 months until you send out invites.  If any of them gets in a serious relationship, you'll want to save room for the new guests.  And the opposite is true too, those not in serious relationships may break up between now and when you need to send the invites.

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• jmaiuri

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Yeah I learned this the hard way at my wedding: If you give your guests a +1 you CANNOT tell them who they can/cannot bring to your wedding.  All it does is upset you and hurt the other person.  Trust me, you do not want to tell her that she cannot bring a guy because of X reason.  Just keep those comments to yourself.
  
  Honestly, if you are not giving any truly single people a +1, then you do not have to give her a date.  Just tell her that weddings are very expensive and you will not be able to provide her with a date. If she loves you (and I am assuming she does) she will understand, and if she gets upset, don't let it bother you.
  
  Good luck!
  

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• Allycat11

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Simple answer: She is flying in with her family, as long as she is truly single at the time the invitations are mailed, she does not need a +1.
  
  Side notes:
  
  1.) It is not your place to judge her taste in men, unless you truly feel danger to yourself or your guests.
  
  2.)  You mentioned guests who are not in a "committed relationship" will not be receiving a +1.  What defines committed to you?  From an etiquette standpoint, any guest in a relationship, regardless of committment level at the time the invitations are mailed, should be invited with their significant other.  A lot does change in 8 months.  DH and I were only officially dating for 8 months when he proposed, so we went from brand new couple to planning a wedding in that time frame.
  
  ETA: Be prepared to be asked this question multiple times over the next few months, even form your truly single guests.  With truly single people, stand your ground from the beginning, the second you make 1 exception, you will have to make more.

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• db1985 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  My fiance and I both have large families and Im trying to keep the guest list at a reasonable # since we are paying for most the reception ourselves, it will be mostly family and just a few friends.  I definately do not want to cut family or close friends for a date I have not met!  Our cut off is if they are engaged or living together they get a plus one. 

  
  

  If she's coming with her family then I think you are OK just giving her a single invite.  Since you are 10 months out maybe leave some leway in your list for possible changes (we're waiting til closer to when we send out invites to decide on co workers, etc)

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• Jashley05

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Even without the background story, I would still enforce the "no plus one" rule. She will know people there and she is traveling with family.

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• mcmeghan311 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_first-awkward-guest-list-moment-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:2dc01c60-7ba1-4992-9ffa-f1b28f6034d5Post:9cb44615-9fc7-419d-8df1-f241c99517b3">Re: First awkward guest list moment... Advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Do you think one of these thugs would come all the way from Arizona if it wasn't a serious relationship?  I can't imagine some random would pay for a ticket, hotel, other expenses to spend a lot of quality time with the family unless they were serious (I know I wouldn't.)  But just in case, I wouldn't give her the option.
  
   ETA:  But keep in mind with all of your single guests that a lot can change in the next 8 months until you send out invites.  If any of them gets in a serious relationship, you'll want to save room for the new guests.  And the opposite is true too, those not in serious relationships may break up between now and when you need to send the invites.
  Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
  
  She knows guys here.  When she brought that stranger to my house, it was because she was in Michigan visiting some other guy.  For some reason, guys she knows bounce between Detroit and Phoenix, like more than a few of them.  I just don't feel comfortable with those kind of people being at or around my event since yes, they do pose a threat to the rest of the crowd.  She got knocked out at a bar for "defending" some guy she was with who picked a fight with a bartender.  It's just not my style.
  
  I knew somebody was going to call me out on judging, which I'm fine with.  I try not to, but she never fails to wind up in the same situation so I'm just jaded, I guess.  I'm not perfect, but the idea of somebody like that at my wedding just sent me prematurely over the edge...Thank's for the reality check though (honestly), I know it's going to come down to telling her flat out yes or no to a date and I don't get to make that decision based on who she picks.  
  
  I also know that things will change by then for not just her.  As somebody asked, committed to me means that they are together and consider themselves in a relationship.  My requirements are pretty lose, I just don't want people finding somebody to bring just because it's a wedding and the booze is free.  

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  It's my experience from reading sooooooooooo many posts on the Knot regarding guest lists, rules are rules. Sorry, the minute you make an exception, the "exceptions" crawl out of the woodwork. EVERYONE expects an exception on their behalf.
  
  I'd assume you are just sending out STD's. An STD should be sent to the person being invited, regardless of + 1s. You are putting the person YOU know on notice. The actual invitation indicates whether you are allowing a guest to bring another guest/person/beloved/significant other/betrothed/intended. You have at least another 8 months before you have to cross that bridge. But I would start notifying people that ask that for the most part, singles are singles.
  
  Trust me, you will have SO many other guest list issues, it's best that you get the rules straight between yourself ,your fiance and BOTH families before someone says something too soon........what if you tell someone now they can bring their BF/GF, they break up, meet someone new, and expect to bring THAT person? Way too soon to make these decisions.
  
  Good luck.

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• matuofm member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with what everyone has said about how you approach this.  The fact that she's coming with her family seems to be an excellent opportunity to NOT feel like you have to give her a plus 1 exception.  But if you've decide to give her a plus 1, you can't dictate who that is. That's just etiquette. 
  
  But there were a lot of statements here to the effect of "stop being so judgey," and "it's not your place to judge others," and I thought I'd chime in there for a moment.  I think those posters are absolutely right in terms of etiquette and probably just in terms of being a mature and mentally-balanced person.
  
  But I totally judge.
  
  Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in that.  There are personality types and behavior patterns that I think are so grossly inappropriate that I wouldn't socialize with those people and I wouldn't want them at my shindig if I could help it.  Skeezy criminals, drug users and the sort of people who tend to start a fight once they've had more than two beers in them fall into that category.
  
   I also judge the sort of person who makes a habit of bouncing from one of this type of guy to the next.  That doesn't mean I think they're a horrible person.  But I do think less of them, it's true.  Just like I think less of the man who's married seven times.  It's a long pattern of poor judgment, and I think less of that than I do of a person who shows responsible and well-thought-out behavior. 
  
  I don't think it's appropriate to share those opinions with the person involved or tell them how to live their life.  But I also don't think you're a bad person or out of line to have those opinions privately.

  

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• litledizzi

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I as a bride who is also 100% paying for the wedding with my fiance and I are making serious cuts to the wedding list think that you have a right to invite those who are close family and friends, and no one else. We have had to make decisions that if our cousins are not in commited relationships than im sorry they are not bringing a plus one. We are having our wedding on a yacht and have limited space so it is extremely limited in space so we are not trying to be mean it is just a matter of fact. I can't have my 18 yr old cousin bring her boyfriend or my 30 yr old cousin who has been dating someone for 2 weeks bring her date. So I think it is completely up to you to invite or not invite who you want. Remember its your day and your paying for it.

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