Christmas Issues/ Separating his nephews from my son

Re: Christmas Issues/ Separating his nephews from my son

• right1thistime member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  Can you afford to be generous to his nephews?  If so, it could be a lesson in sharing the spotlight for your son.  My suspicion is that your Fi has always gifted his nephews generously, and doesn't think that the introduction of a stepson should change that.  If it doesn't detract from the gifts your son receives, what does it matter to you? 

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• deliriousquesting

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  No, he usually doesn't get anyone anything. That's the thing. It's not about my son getting less, it's that he puts them on the same level of importance, going so far as to mention that since my son is in the wedding maybe we should put them in it too. 

  I feel that I should also add, that he is in all other ways a wonderful step-father. I just worry that he is not seeing us as a family unit the way he should. His family is not crazy close nit. Not enough that this should come up a lot. I'm not sure if maybe he's using the being an uncle to identify with the new step-dad responsibility and just doesn't realize where the disconnect should go or what? He has other neices and nephews but only does this with the two youngest (the ones around my sons age).

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• Avion22 member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  I think you're right that he is using his role as an uncle to identify with his new role as a step-dad.  What I don't understand is whether or not he is neglecting his role as a step-dad in order to be an uncle.   From what you've said, it sounds like he is treating all three boys more-or-less equally.   I don't know that he should back off on his role as an uncle now that he is stepdad to your son.  

  
  

  Do the nephews have a stalbe family life at home?  Do they have a strong male role-model in the picture?  Maybe he is just embracing the new paternal role that he finds himself in.   

  
  

  I'm not sure that I see anything wrong with him being the best uncle in the world, as long as he's not negelecting his role as a stepdad.

  

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• right1thistime member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  So my concern with this is how strongly you are reacting.  And that may actually be pushing him to continue to cling to the children in his life -- almost like, "just because I am gaining a step-son doesn't mean I have to leave my nephews behind".  I would suggest that he is a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of the two of you entering his world and how that will impact his significance, decision making, etc. 
  
  For you to INSIST that he puts your son first (and believe me, I know how you feel) may just make him want to assert the importance of his own family even more.  My advice to you is to just go with the flow.  If he wants to be generous to  his nephews, and he can afford it, fine.  Your son doesn't lose anything if the nephews get equal attention.  Let the relationship between your son and Fi grow on its own.  It will be stronger and better that way.  You cannot force this.  I doubt Fi will continue to pay so much attention to his nephews once he gets comfortable in his role as step dad. ~Donna

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• deliriousquesting

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  Just to make sure, Right1 you seem to be reading a lot of aggression into my post and I didn't mean for it to come off that way at all. I support him spending time with his nephews and when we can afford it cash as well. I just worry about him suddenly doing all this when he was not know for it before. Especially since both parents are together and very involved with their children so there's no absence to fill. But, yeah, I'll try what you all say and go with the flow with it. See how it turns out.

  Thanks for the advice

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• right1thistime member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_christmas-issues-separating-his-nephews-son?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3d521e8d-b935-46d8-9743-366d3dc3dc25Post:c2570b4a-6926-4ed7-abc8-6077e71a4ee8">Christmas Issues/ Separating his nephews from my son</a>:
  [QUOTE]I am getting <strong>so frustrated!</strong>  And my fiance seems to think that since we're giving my son a great Christmas then we automatically have to get a bunch of things for the nephews.  In all other apects he is a fantastic father to be, but <strong>how can I get him to understand the whole step-son <u>comes before</u> nephews thing!</strong> It's worrying me that this will be an ongoing issue<strong> if he can't realize  that my son, our son, is a <u>whole other level</u> from his nephews</strong>. News, views, advice?
  Posted by deliriousquesting[/QUOTE]
  
  
  So my interpretation comes from what you wrote, particularly the bolded parts, and the hierarchy that you are imposing which is the underlined parts.  As I said, I really do get it.  You want him to treat your son as HIS son.  You expect a father to put HIS son first. You want him to do MORE for HIS son that for HIS nephews.  From a Mama Bear standpoint, I know right where you are and its very natural to be there. My point is that I think he is shrinking from that a bit, and trying to not get lost in the ready made family unit you have, and not lose his connection to his family.  So he is strengthening that connection to his family.  
  
  If you can let it go for a while, and let him gradually move into the father of your DS role over time, I think he will do so naturally.  And when he does it on his own, he will let go of his need to hold his nephews so tightly.    ~Donna

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• Meghannsix member

  

  December 2011

  Maybe the relationship he has developed with your son has made him realize how much fun it can be to be someone important in a young man's life?  Made him want to be a better person/step-father/uncle?  Perhaps he see's what a positive influence he's been on your son, and he'd like to have the same great relationship with his nephews? 
  This is my second marriage as well, so my FI will be gaining a step-son, and he already has a nephew that he is very close with.  While at first I felt a little off put by the relationship, over time my son and FI have gotten closer, everything is a lot better!

  

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