Why are men incompetent?

Jay+Marissa · March 2010

At least when it comes to weddings? Jay has been able to function as a perfectly normal adult (minus his former trash heap of an apartment), get a high GPA, feed himself, apply/interview/get into med school, pay rent, and start an entire cycling team!

But I feel I cant trust him to do one wedding thing. It took him A YEAR to get us signed up for Pre-Cana--and I had to give him an ultimatum. My mom keeps telling me to stop being a control freak and let Jay do some stuff, but I really just don't think he will do it.

I guess it comes down to priorities--he's keeps on top of his cycling crap like crazy. I bet he could do anything wedding related I asked him, but he just wont. He get's all whiney every time I bring up decisions we have to make.

What did your FI do to help with the wedding? Any suggestions before I go all Bat-shit crazy on Jay?

shortgirltx · March 2010

I had a breakdown before DH realized "Oh she wasn't kidding all those times." He wasn't entirely helpless up until that point but he could have been helping out a lot more. After that (about 6 weeks before the wedding), he picked up the slack. If there were certain things that he wanted/HAD to have, I told him it was up to him to do them. I also told him the grooms cake was on his shoulders: he was to deal with Colleen with what he wanted.

One thing for guys is that it seems you have to give them a deadline to do things by. And that doesn't pertain to just weddings.

I'm sorry Jay isn't being more helpful...I know how frustrating it can be.

Tiffany618 · March 2010

If I'm specific and ask him to do something he does it right away. He was with me 100% for choosing venue, food, cake, and photographer. He set up the whole rehearsal dinner (his parents are paying but not really hosting per se). He chose the honeymoon resort. He dealt with the venue coordinator in deciding what to do about alcohol. He handles everything with the officiant, setting up meetings and everything.. just because it is his family's pastor though.

Wow that sounds like a lot....but it sure doesn't feel like it! He won't do anything on his own though... I have to prompt everything.

EHJL · March 2010

Ha.. I stopped trying to convince him why the centerpieces and flowers are so important and focused on giving him tasks he would be interested in.

I asked him to pick from the list which appetizers we should serve. He made a DO and DO NOT play list for the DJ and I am totally leaving the honeymoon up to him.

Now I have a groomzilla. All we talk about all day is how great the crab cakes will be, the honeymoon spots he really likes, and how he doesn't think it would be inappropriate for us to dance to Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews.

aphitx · March 2010

I totally hear ya. My FI has been helpful and involved- however, I knew he wasnt interested in paper-- so, I didn't ask his help for invitations, just to proof read everything-- even though I pulled some LATE nites during Christmas.

You're right it's about priorities. However, I'd been saying more often lately, "I am putting you in charge of ....." That's seemed pretty helpful. It's me saying I need your help and I am going to trust you to be responsible for XYZ. He's come through every time.

Also, since he now has to be out of town next week, til Wednesday nite for training (BOOO) I'm making both of us a daily TO DO list. I know he'll be exhausted and I think this will help both of us not forget a lot (due to exhaustion) and hopefully alleviate some unnecessary stress.

Good luck!! You're in the home stretch!

shortgirltx · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_men-incompetent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:70409d1f-5bde-4064-998c-3e6ef1656d08Post:2ad23fb0-b3de-47d8-b3f8-ea9eb3f9a6ee">Re: Why are men incompetent?</a>:
[QUOTE]he doesn't think it would be inappropriate for us to dance to Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews.
Posted by EHJL[/QUOTE]

I love that song. All of their songs have some sexual undertone but I still like DMB. I guess this could be one of those songs in Marissa's Judgmental music poll!!

That's really cool your FI is helping out so much.

EHJL · March 2010

Thanks.. I really love that song too, but the lyrics are really risque. Our families are very conservative! Sounds like your man is helping out more! Congratulations.

melissaandjoel · March 2010

I feel your pain, my husband didn't help with the wedding at all. He even banned me from talking about the wedding planning during the weekdays, and told me he would only discuss it on weekends when he wasn't studying. I was the one that picked out the guys tuxedos, I couldn't even convince him to go to the cake tasting.....

stephl3055 · March 2010

He's probably figured out that if he sits around on a task too long, that you'll get fed up and do it yourself. Either that or wedding planning just isn't exciting to him. You have to think about it in the terms that you are probably the person that is most excited about your wedding. Guys don't necessarily dream of a fairytale wedding when they are 10, so they may not realize all the expectations that you have. And plus, you mentioned in another thread somewhere, you guys have been engaged around 2 years. That's a long time of wedding planning! He might just be tired of it all.

Also, I think some guys just don't care about certain tasks. I think you should get him involved in something he would enjoy. Music, groom's cake, favors, and food were things David got really excited about.

Jay+Marissa · March 2010

It's more of he says he'll do it...and he might...eventually, but I'll have to put so much effort into bugging him that I might as well have done it myself. And then he gets huffy when I whine about how long it took him to do it.

I just told him we are making a list of everything that needs to be done and I'm giving him stuff--he was completely fine with that. But will he do it???

And then when I tell him how I feel, he just doesn't want to talk about it and says I'm so mean. GAH!

The incredible thing is...he is pretty open and easygoing when it comes to planning/talking about other stuff. It's just this!

Tiffany618 · March 2010

Maybe he would work better with a deadline? That was you wouldn't have to bug him until after the deadline you set for him.

Jay+Marissa · March 2010

Nice idea--He's all about logic, and that is wonderfully logical

serlace · March 2010

I feel ya. Sergio is really good about helping me if I ask him specific questions - or if I narrow it down and he has like 2-3 choices. He pissed me off when he said he wanted to go to a (not mandatory) work conference a week before our wedding for three days in D.C. "Sure honey, go have fun in D.C. - I'll wrap up all the wedding details" - said with my most sarcastic tone. I almost killed him when he said he wanted to take the CFP (major career certification test for us) in November. You have to study over 200 hours for that test and he wants to take it like 2 weeks after our wedding. "Sure honey, you study, I will plan everything - including going on our honeymoon ALONE because you have to study!!" Seriously, where does he come up with this ridiculousness?

amberpro · March 2010

You're not alone. All I get is, "Do what you want. Just tell me where and when." I finally made a decision he didn't like, and now he at least doesn't roll his eyes when I talk about it and actually asks and gives opinions. He FINALLY did the honeymoon and has stopped complaining about having to go register and get a tux. I think the whole process is just beyond men. FI isn't a planner, so I'm not surprised he doesn't want to do anything in advance. I see his butt kicking into gear about 2 weeks before. That's about as far in advance as he's ever planned anything.

Jay+Marissa · March 2010

Haha, Jay sent me a flier for a bike race that would take place DURING the rehearsal dinner. Luckily he was kidding. I almost imploded right there.

madiandcindy · March 2010

Easy, they are only incompitent about things that they have no interest on, you dont see them forgetting to sign up for fantasy footbal and keeping up with it ALL the time, or is that just my husband? LOL

Kpetty1010 · March 2010

Well at least you ladies are getting the "whatever you want" IM getting the What do we need to do that for, and why...its like a 5 year old...but Brandon is slowly coming around...and he told me tonight that one of his leaders on the swat team signed him up for a class and guess what day that is...oh yes the wedding day...i had to tell his boss that it was not going to happen, he came home and told me about it...then i had to tell him that we were getting married that day...he is way outta touch, but then totally redeemed himself by saying that all day monday we were going to focus on the wedding plans.

emimayor · March 2010

Deadlines are key, Marissa. Stick to them.

Have faith that he'll do it all too, because he will. It just won't be on your timetable. I had a similar issue with Jeff during and after wedding (i.e. thank you cards). It is very frustrating, but it isn't worth the argument and fight over him not doing something when you wanted it done.

Why are men incompetent?

Re: Why are men incompetent?

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