3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!

valeriemckibbin · May 2011

because it was costing too much money (the wedding, the dresses, the shower, my bachelorette party....) 2 of my BM decided to drop out of my wedding... now I'm stuck with 2 extras dresses (made on measure for them) and with an unevan number of groomsmen VS bridesmaid.... WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

kmmssg · May 2011

apologize for not taking their budget into consideration?

valeriemckibbin · May 2011

they were well aware of the cost and the responsibility of being a BM... I will certainly not apologize! It's not like if I asked them 3 months before the wedding, they are aware for more then a year!

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:fe7744e8-4412-4b79-95fe-0e98de5f2035">Re: 3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]they were well aware of the cost and the responsibility of being a BM... I will certainly not apologize! It's not like if I asked them 3 months before the wedding, they are aware for more then a year!
Posted by valeriemckibbin[/QUOTE]

The cost of being a BM is whatever was the lowest do-able budget for the members of the WP. You should have been courteous enough to ask each member of your WP ahead of time what their comfort level budget was.

Also, it sounds like you're "expecting" them to pay for shower(s) and/or b-parties. Neither of those are required, and if you're implying to your friends that they have to pony up cash for those, you're also wrong. It's lovely if they do it, but please don't think that not paying for parties that they can't afford means they're bad friends.

Finally, an uneven WP is no big deal. One lucky BM gets escorted by two handsome men. Or no one gets escorted., People are perfectly capable of walking up and down an aisle on their own.

As for the dresses? E-bay? High end consignment shop?

I think there's more to this story than that your friends suddenly decided to call it quits. But lots of luck to you in the remaining months before your ceremony.

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:145c9529-3f65-49d3-b7aa-7b39bbea038d">3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]because it was costing too much money (the wedding, the dresses, the shower, my bachelorette party....) 2 of my BM decided to drop out of my wedding... now I'm stuck with 2 extras dresses (made on measure for them) and with an unevan number of groomsmen VS bridesmaid.... WHAT SHOULD I DO?????
Posted by valeriemckibbin[/QUOTE]

JIC

covejack · May 2011

There's no way a wedding party member should have to back out of a wedding because of cost. You've had TWO BM's cite the same reasons for not continuing on in the wedding. The posted answers are pretty much unanimous, but I'll agree. If cost is an issue for your wedding party, then you're expectations are the problem. Examine them.

MairePoppy · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:fe7744e8-4412-4b79-95fe-0e98de5f2035">Re: 3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]they were well aware of the cost and the responsibility of being a BM... I will certainly not apologize! It's not like if I asked them 3 months before the wedding, they are aware for more then a year!
Posted by valeriemckibbin[/QUOTE]

Good luck, then.

olywillis · May 2011

If it were me, I would tell them not to worry about the extra parties like the bachelorette party and the shower - not really necessary. If they already have the dress, then they should just try to show up (unless they live far away and have a lot of travel costs to boot). Perhaps you can offer to help pay for their travel costs if so.

I've always kept my BM's costs in mind with everything - which is why I let them pick a black dress they could wear again, let them choose how they want their hair/makeup, researched on cheapest costs at hotels for those that have to travel, etc. I know a BM is planning a lavish bachelorette party for me, but I told her to keep costs in mind for everyone else that may have to travel and all. I know one bride that will be one of my BMs that did not consider our costs at all and we thought it was inconsiderate. I did NOT want to be that way. I forgive her, but still wish she would have thought of our costs a bit more - we chalk it up to her being a spoiled child and expecting everything without considering everyone else's situations.

katieisawesome · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:145c9529-3f65-49d3-b7aa-7b39bbea038d">3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]because it was costing too much money (the wedding, the dresses, the shower, my bachelorette party....) 2 of my BM decided to drop out of my wedding... now I'm stuck with 2 extras dresses (made on measure for them) and with an unevan number of groomsmen VS bridesmaid.... WHAT SHOULD I DO?????
Posted by valeriemckibbin[/QUOTE]

<div>If you haven't already totally alienated them, let them know that the only thing they need to worry about financially is the dress. Everything else is optional. If the dress is outside their budgets, then shame on you for not taking that into consideration.</div><div>
</div><div>Also there is no need to have even sides - it's really insulting to the people you asked to stand with you to even think about even sides.</div>

mccartys · May 2011

Wow a lot of people on here has such bi#%hy undertones!

I understand your disappointment that they dropped out three months prior to the wedding due to budget costs, but I agree with the person who said that if they still have the dress, and don't need to travel too far, they should still try to stand up in the wedding if they can.

Maybe you can sit down with them one more time and ask for their reconsideration, reminding them how important they are to you and your fiance. If you are requiring them to have professional hair/makeup, I would offer to pay for all your BMs.

I also completely disagree with the statement that I see over and over again on this website about all BMs need to do is buy the dress and show up. While I don't expect every BM to be involved on little aspects of wedding planning, they definitely should offer support or a listening ear, and generally be present at some of the prewedding parties, whether or not they bring a gift. If they are your friends/family, they should be able to do that... not just show up in a dress of your picking - because what's the point then?

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:07dd4504-2cce-4ce1-b7f5-beddf10dbe21">Re: 3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow a lot of people on here has such bi#%hy undertones! I understand your disappointment that they dropped out three months prior to the wedding due to budget costs, but I agree with the person who said that if they still have the dress, and don't need to travel too far, they should still try to stand up in the wedding if they can. Maybe you can sit down with them one more time and ask for their reconsideration, reminding them how important they are to you and your fiance. If you are requiring them to have professional hair/makeup, I would offer to pay for all your BMs. I also completely disagree with the statement that I see over and over again on this website about all BMs need to do is buy the dress and show up. While I don't expect every BM to be involved on little aspects of wedding planning, they definitely should offer support or a listening ear, and generally be present at some of the prewedding parties, whether or not they bring a gift. If they are your friends/family, they should be able to do that... not just show up in a dress of your picking - because what's the point then?
Posted by mccartys[/QUOTE]

Well, then. Good luck to you.

MairePoppy · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_3-months-before-wedding-2-of-bm-let-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:08145a7d-8b6c-4942-a8c8-44ca328209bdPost:07dd4504-2cce-4ce1-b7f5-beddf10dbe21">Re: 3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] I also completely disagree with the statement that I see over and over again on this website about all BMs need to do is buy the dress and show up. While I don't expect every BM to be involved on little aspects of wedding planning, they definitely should offer support or a listening ear, and generally be present at some of the prewedding parties, whether or not they bring a gift. <strong>If they are your friends/family, they should be able to do that... not just show up in a dress of your picking - because what's the point then?</strong>
Posted by mccartys[/QUOTE]

The knife cuts both ways. If your bms are your friends and family, you should care enough about them to keep it affordable. You should not make it so expensive and time consuming for them to be in your wedding party that they drop out. What would be the point, then?

edited-clarification

gutsymama · May 2011

StageManager -

I'm surprised you have given her the honor of Facebook friendship for this long. You are truly a saint.

RosannFell · May 2011

valerie, i am sorry to hear this. i can imagine that you must be disappointed to hear this news so close to the wedding and difficult for you to change all of your plans. Can you talk with the girls about scaling back any of the pre-wedding parties (assuming they are already planned) so that they could still be in the wedding? Maybe there was some kind of miscommunication within your bridal party on the planning/budget of your shower and bachelorette party that could still be fixed.

If talking to them doesn't work, I would donate the dresses to charity or sell them online. I wouldn't worry much about uneven sides, many people start with uneven sides and bm's drop out for one reason or another more often that you would think.

3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!

Re: 3 months before my wedding - 2 of my BM let me down!!!!

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