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How to handle this...

SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
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Background info: My dad cheated on my mom before they were married & the woman he cheated with got pregnant & took off.  My mom forgave him, they got married, & had me.  I always knew I had a half sister out there somewhere & that her name was Danielle.

Fast forward to 2004: I am on MySpace (I know, I know) & I get a message that says something like "Hi, is your last name BlahBlah?  If so I think I'm your half sister."  Well it turns out she NEVER knew that her stepdad wasn't her biological dad.  She obviously didn't know I existed.  She had some medical issues & somehow the "secret" came out.  Since then, I met her two times & I'm the only person in my entire family that has.  My dad's family is weird, it's like they don't want to know her. 

Fast forward to now: She's engaged.  I received an invitation to her shower about a week ago & a STD for the wedding last night.  I have definitely ruled out going to the shower, it's 4 hours each way to get there & I will be completely by myself.  I'm leaning towards also not attending the wedding.  I think it will be REALLY weird. 

Also, I know it goes against etiquette to tell someone they're not invited to your wedding but in this situation do you think I should have a chat with her?  I feel like my wedding isn't really the time or the place to do the "Hey Dad (and rest of the family), this is Danielle, your daughter/niece/cousin/granddaughter" thing. I'm not sure if I should just say nothing, I mean obviously she'll get the hint she's not invited when she doesn't receive an invitation but do you think it's rude to not explain?



Re: How to handle this...

  • IMO I don't think Id say anything to anyone. I would feel weird getting an invite to events like that if I had a half sister whom I only met a few times. I also don't think it is rude not to explain it either. Yes in the end she may be hurt to find out she was never invited to yours, but if you don't know someone very well I wouldn't feel horribly aweful about not informing her of why she's not invited.

     

  • If it were me, I would disregard the "rules" and let her know personally. 

    It's got to sting for her a little that the rest of your dad's family has never shown any interest in meeting or including her, and if she just never hears a word from you about your wedding, she may assume that you're taking their stance on this.  I don't know.  I just seems like an already painful situation, and I would try to make it easier on her if I could.
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
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    I hate you TK.



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d100e759-9ee4-4a9c-b0b8-989eb9b5fa1fPost:7f26e82e-aed5-462d-9c53-c2d2e9f2c391">Re: How to handle this...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hate you TK.
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.  WTF.
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d100e759-9ee4-4a9c-b0b8-989eb9b5fa1fPost:7f26e82e-aed5-462d-9c53-c2d2e9f2c391">Re: How to handle this...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hate you TK.
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed.  Why are we suddenly starting this again?!</div>
    I french with my man
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  • TK eats my happiness when it does this.  I wish it would eat my fat instead...
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Thanks TK, for eating my post.... In a nutshell: 

    I have a half sister that I've always known about but she didn't know I (or my dad & his family) existed. She contacted me in 2004. Nobody in my dad's family has met her (or really wants to meet her).  I've met her 2x.  

    I received an invitation for her shower a week ago & an STD for the wedding last night. The shower is 4 hours each way & so I'm going to definitely decline that.  I'm not sure if I should go to the wedding, but I'm leaning away from it.  

    I'm not sure how to handle my own though, as in I'm not inviting her (that is not really the time or place for her to meet my dad & his family for the first time ever) but I don't know if I should explain this to her (even though I know technically it's against etiquette).  



  • Maybe just send her a card and tell her how you feel.  This way, it won't be confrontational, she'll be able to see all of what you have to say, and she has time to stew on it before responding.

    But I wouldn't not invite her without an explanation.
  • Why doesn't anyone want to meet her?

    Did you and she get along the times that you met?
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sousa, honestly, I don't know.  They're weird.  They don't include me or my (half) brother in anything & never really have.  My dad has 4 sisters, 2 of them have children & they're all "part of the family" while it's like my brother & I are outsiders.  It's pretty much has always been that way.  When I suggested we have some sort of family G2G so everyone can meet Danielle they were completely 100% against it. 

    We got along pretty well, yea.  The first time was at a fundraiser thing (which was totally weird, her son's dad died in a car accident & they had a fundraiser for her son's college fund a couple months later, he was like 2 at the time) & we barely got to talk because she was playing host.  The second time was tailgating at an Eagles game which was a bit more 1 on 1.  We're friends on FB.  



  • Is it possible for you all to get together separately outside of your weddings and kinda celebrate your weddings together?  I mean, she probably understands that it's sorta a weird situation in your family (and probably hers too)?

    I think it's awesome that you're taking the higher road and being her friend though, even though the rest of your family isn't doing the same.  I do agree, however, that your wedding would not be the best place for her to meet her entire family she doesn't know.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d100e759-9ee4-4a9c-b0b8-989eb9b5fa1fPost:fd455805-4dc7-4069-aa99-1666fe7b8258">Re: How to handle this...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sousa, honestly, I don't know.  They're weird.  They don't include me or my (half) brother in anything & never really have.  My dad has 4 sisters, 2 of them have children & they're all "part of the family" while it's like my brother & I are outsiders.  It's pretty much has always been that way.  When I suggested we have some sort of family G2G so everyone can meet Danielle they were completely 100% against it.  We got along pretty well, yea.  The first time was at a fundraiser thing (which was totally weird, her son's dad died in a car accident & they had a fundraiser for her son's college fund a couple months later, he was like 2 at the time) & we barely got to talk because she was playing host.  The second time was tailgating at an Eagles game which was a bit more 1 on 1.  We're friends on FB.  
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]


    That's really sad. I feel badly for Danielle. I mostly asked those questions to get a feel for whether or not she is just an unlikeable person or if your dad and his family kind of have their heads up their asses. Sounds to me more like the latter (especially since they do it to you and your brother as well), and that must suck for you to be in the middle of it. Between this and how your dad has treated you in the past, he sounds like a real peach.

    I totally agree with you that it might not be the time and place for them to meet, and it should not be on you to make that happen. I would definitely let her know what is going on, though, since she probably already feels pretty slighted by all of them. Full disclosure, though - I may be biased, as someone who really wants to meet possible half-siblings and fears not being wanted or liked by them.
  • I agree with PP's that your wedding wouldn't be the best time for everyone to meet seeings how no one seems to WANT to anyway.  I feel bad for Danielle too.  It must be terribly hurtful to know that people you are related to want nothing to do with you, especially a father.  Seems like a crappy bunch for all of you guys to be dealing with.

    I would probably let her know that you are getting married as well and that it's not the appropriate time for everyone to be meeting but like a PP said maybe you can get together and do something to celebrate independently.  If it were me I'd want to know her regardless of what the rest of the family does, especially if she seems nice enough.  I think that you should make you own decisions about what kind of relationship you'd like to have with her.  She is your sister and you could be missing out on a great relationship.  I have a bias though in that I have a very small family that is getting smaller each year it seems and I wish I had more people I felt connected to in that way.


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