Last name situation?

becky659 · April 2012

Ok, so I'm having big internal struggles about taking my FI's last name.
I love his last name and don't particularly love my last name, but the independent lady in me is having a hard time taking his name because:
a) I hate that it's a possessive, paternal tradition
b) Our last name ends with my generation- my sister is planning on taking her future husband's name, my cousin took her husband's name and my other cousin (the only guy in the family) isn't planning on adopting children with his partner.

My first idea was to hyphenate both of our names, but then I remembered...

My FI's middle name is the same as my last name.
So he would be (names changed) Tucker Mitchell Mitchell-Park and I would be Becky Louise Mitchell-Park.
Or maybe he could just drop his middle name and just be Tucker Mitchell-Park? I know he wouldn't be excited about losing his middle name, though.

OR, maybe we could just smash the two names together and do McPark? (which works out a little nicer without fake internet names

).

I don't want to have different last names because of legal, offspring, and family cohesion factors.

And, if anybody has done anything crazy with their names, how did you tell your family? Everybody is assuming I'm taking his name, and his traditional family would be absolutely miffed (maybe offended too?) as to why we decided to do something different.

SCogs18 · April 2012

I knew a lesbian couple that picked a new last name entirely. One bride's father had died and his name was Bruce, so when they married they went from (names changed) Samantha Michaels and Kimmie McDaniels to Samantha and Kimmie Bruce.

Is your FI comfortable with hypentating your names? I don't think the middle name issue is really that big of a deal. Could you make it "Tucker Mitchell Park-Mitchell"?

Names get complicated when people marry. Did you ever watch Trading Spaces with Paige Davis? Well, her legal name was "Mindy Paige Davis" and when she married she became "Mindy Paige Davis Paige" or "Paige Paige". She just went by Paige Davis professionally.

The other option is to not change your name at all, but it seems you are not comfortable with that (which I understand) due to family unity and such.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

Does your FI want to change his name? If he doesn't you can't make him any more than he can make you change yours. I would just hyphenate it or use your maiden name as a middle name if you want to have the same last name.

DramaGeek · April 2012

I can only speak to the last part of your question. It was very important to me to keep my name, but H's family was highly offended that I wasn't going to change it. I was young and afraid of causing problems so I took his name and continued to use both. Biggest PITA ever. After a couple of years, I quit using his name most of the time because it was easier. After a few years of that, H said "why don't you just drop it all together?" so I did.

Regradless, ILs refuse to accept that I kept my maiden name. They always address us as Bob and Jane Smith or me as Jane Smith instead of Jane Jones and Bob Smith or even Jane Jones Smith and Bob Smith (which is what I originally changed to). It's really frustrating, but after 9 years I doubt they'll ever change. Doesn't stop me from correcting them though!

Turtle&Star · April 2012

I'm right there with you. I think I am most likely going to take FI's last name and use my maiden name as a middle name, but go by both professionally - so instead of Jane Jones I'll be Jane Jones Smith. I don't like hyphenated names, for some reason. But it's still weird to contemplate. I mean, this is my NAME. The one I've had since I was born.

I have a pair of friends who smashed their last names together into a single last name - don't know how they told their families, though. I also have a pair of friends who each took the other's name - he took her maiden name as an additional middle name, and she took his last name as her new last name, so instead of Jane Smith and John Jones, they are Jane Smith Jones and John Smith Jones. You're kind of already set up for that if FI's middle name is your maiden name!

I do have one thought that has been useful to me when considering this issue in particular:
a) I hate that it's a possessive, paternal tradition
Yes, it is, BUT - precisely because of this tradition - there really is no maternal tradition to which we can turn instead. Yes, I can keep my maiden name, but that name was my father's. Or I could take my mother's name, but it was her father's. And so on. There is no matriarchal line of naming. And, partly for that reason, I don't think there's anything wrong - or inherently self-oppressing or anti-feminist or whatever - with wanting to take your FI's name. It's much more important, in those terms, that my FI is willing to make sacrifices for my career, that we take turns cooking dinner and taking the garbage out, and that we both believe that whether we have daughters or sons, our kids should be able to do whatever they want to do.

Lisa50 · April 2012

I don't want to have different last names because of legal, offspring, and family cohesion factors.

Okay, curious minds (my curious mind, at least) want to know ... as someone who has now married twice, and, neither time, changed my last name, please tell me what the legal, offspring, and family cohesion factors are which drive you to having the same last name as your husband. I encountered no legal issues; my offspring carries his father's name and never "suffered" from teasing or any other negative side effects; and family cohesion remains intact (still in touch with my former inlaws and get along well with the new ones).

redheadfsu · April 2012

What legal issues (or other issues) are there if you don't change your name?

I didn't change mine, and in my state there are zero legal issues about it (and while I don't have kids, there would be no legal issues even if I did. Plus, I have clients that haven't changed their names and I am not aware of any issues).

becky659 · April 2012

Well… it’s obviously a personal preference, but I believe that I would be speaking for many women in saying that I want us to have the same name because:

I never want there to ever be confusion or doubt if there is an emergency with my FI/husband or kids that I’m the mom/wife. Obviously it probably wouldn’t be a huge deal, but I would dread that split second of explaining in a tense situation.

Secondly, I love going places and being “The Jones Family”. Not the Jones/Rodgers Party. A name can be a symbol of unity for a marriage and a family. Of course, if it isn’t a big deal to you, then it’s not a big deal at all and you keep your name and life is great.

I’ve also heard nightmare stories over the years about having kids at school with different names (not bullying, but just confusion on the part of the adults). Might or might not ever be an issue, but I just think it’s nice to not have to explain the difference in every first parent teacher conference (What is Tommy’s home life situation? Are you divorced? Separated? Never married? Living in the same household?)

Overall it makes life simpler, I think, aside from what I’m going through right now with deciding how I really feel about the whole thing. Just IMHO, and maybe some other ladies will add in their reasoning as well. I’m happy that you’re able to comfortably maintain your autonomy and have had no logistical problems with doing so!

Turtle&Star, you make an excellent point about my dad’s name being just as traditional as me not wanting another man’s name. I didn’t really think of that before in the sense that I should be just as offended. I guess I’m so proud of my family… I’m blessed with an amazing, talented family and I will really miss representing them with my last name if I choose to take my FI’s name.

I THINK what will happen (as Turtle&Star said) is that my FI will keep his name the same, then I will have four names. We had a long conversation about it this afternoon and it's been food for thought.

Turtle&Star, do you know how your friends represented their name in daily life? Like for a facebook page, do they have John Jones Smith, or just John Smith? When they go out, do people identify them as Mr. and Mrs. Jones Smith?

redheadfsu · April 2012

Well, if it is your personal preference to change your name, that is great. It is your choice, so whatever you want to do is fine.

However, I hate when people blame it on some nonexistent legal issue, as there isn't any. If you want to change it, own it. Do not blame it on something that doesn't exist.

Turtle&Star · April 2012

[QUOTE]Turtle&Star, you make an excellent point about my dad’s name being just as traditional as me not wanting another man’s name. I didn’t really think of that before in the sense that I should be just as offended. I guess I’m so proud of my family… I’m blessed with an amazing, talented family and I will really miss representing them with my last name if I choose to take my FI’s name. I THINK what will happen (as Turtle&Star said) is that my FI will keep his name the same, then I will have four names. We had a long conversation about it this afternoon and it's been food for thought. Turtle&Star, do you know how your friends represented their name in daily life? Like for a facebook page, do they have John Jones Smith, or just John Smith? When they go out, do people identify them as Mr. and Mrs. Jones Smith?
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

I definitely understand what you mean about being proud of your family and not wanting to lose that connection, and I didn't mean to suggest that it was offensive to have your dad's name. I feel the same way - especially b/c my dad passed away many years ago, and I feel like that name is part of my connection to him.

About my friends: in fact, they do not both use the two names equally. In ordinary life, they are both just Jane and John Smith. On facebook, *she* has Jane Jones Smith - I think partly so that her old friends can find her - and he only has John Smith. So in practice, they behave very much like other couples in which the woman has kept her maiden name as a middle name and the man has not changed his name at all. I only found out that he had also taken her name, in fact, when I wrote to her to ask about her name change, because I've been trying to gather all the ideas I can about this very same issue! I think you could do it differently if you both agreed on a way to do it, though.

LeiselEB · April 2012

I understand the desire to keep your name. I'm incredibly proud of my last name, but I also like the idea of taking your husband's last name. I understand why people don't, of course, but to me it's not an issue of feminism or paternalism - it's just my preference. I won't be a different person just because my name is different.

Have you considered changing your middle name to your current last name, and then using your fiance's last name as your last name? Or adding your current last name to your middle name?

coopsbaby · April 2012

I've put a lot of thought into this as well, as someone who had my 1st husband's name for 18 years, and went back to maiden after the divorce. I was really happy to have my maiden back, and had a moment of pause when I got engaged, since my maiden name also ends with me.

Fi was on board either way, keeping or changing, but I do like having the same name as my husband. I already have a different last name than my tree children, so that's not a factor at all.

I've decided to drop my middle (which I've always HATED) and use maiden as middle and I'm really happy with the decision. I'll go by all three professionally, with no hyphen (I don't like them, and it would be very bulky in my case).

There are so many options these days, and nobody bats an eye at most of it anymore, so you really just need to decide what makes YOU happy and go with it! I like the idea of you keeping your maiden as an additional middle, especially since it matched your fi's middle. It's pretty cool!

SKPM · April 2012

I am also on the fence about how to deal with the name change stuff as I am proud of my family and name and heritage. So far, I think I've narrowed my favorite options down to two. I think I will either make my maiden name a second middle name and go by First Maiden Last, or not change my name legally but answer socially to Mrs. His Last.

becky659 · April 2012

^ Yeah, I think just having four names is the most appealing solution right now.
I'm also pretty attached to my middle name because it's my grandmother's middle name.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

I love Louisiana sometimes. Here, we follow the civilian legal tradition that's more common in Europe where you don't have to do anything to "change" your name, but either spouse can "use" either spouse's last name for legal documents, etc. It's very common here for women to use their husband's last name socially, but to continue to own property and sign contracts using their maiden names--this is particularly true for business transactions involving the woman's separate property.

I use my husband's name in some social situations and it's the name on our bank account and the name I'll use if we buy a home. But I practice law using my maiden name and my car is in my maiden name and I use my maiden name for business dealings involving my separate property.

Obviously, the US Social Security Administration isn't as loosey-goosey as Louisiana, so I still use my maiden name for federal government purposes.

Avion22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:bc6b3d8a-ccd7-4f56-83fd-b0ae3b20a3a3Post:6d8087ab-5929-447b-b42a-a616f126c7e9">Re: Last name situation?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love Louisiana sometimes. Here, we follow the civilian legal tradition that's more common in Europe where you don't have to do anything to "change" your name, but either spouse can "use" either spouse's last name for legal documents, etc. It's very common here for women to use their husband's last name socially, but to continue to own property and sign contracts using their maiden names--this is particularly true for business transactions involving the woman's separate property. I use my husband's name in some social situations and it's the name on our bank account and the name I'll use if we buy a home. But I practice law using my maiden name and my car is in my maiden name and I use my maiden name for business dealings involving my separate property. Obviously, the US Social Security Administration isn't as loosey-goosey as Louisiana, so I still use my maiden name for federal government purposes.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow, I never realized you could do that in Louisiana. That would solve all of my problems!</div><div>
</div><div>Professionally and legally I'm keeping my maiden name (I'm in the military, so I have to use my legal name at work), but socially I really don't care, and am going by both/either/whatever.

</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:bc6b3d8a-ccd7-4f56-83fd-b0ae3b20a3a3Post:6d8087ab-5929-447b-b42a-a616f126c7e9">Re: Last name situation?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love Louisiana sometimes. Here, we follow the civilian legal tradition that's more common in Europe where you don't have to do anything to "change" your name, but either spouse can "use" either spouse's last name for legal documents, etc. It's very common here for women to use their husband's last name socially, but to continue to own property and sign contracts using their maiden names--this is particularly true for business transactions involving the woman's separate property. <strong>I use my husband's name in some social situations and it's the name on our bank account and the name I'll use if we buy a home. But I practice law using my maiden name and my car is in my maiden name and I use my maiden name for business dealings involving my separate property.</strong> Obviously, the US Social Security Administration isn't as loosey-goosey as Louisiana, so I still use my maiden name for federal government purposes.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

I wish the rest of the country were like this. I didn't change my name because when I got married, I 'd already established myself in the legal community.

hlynn1129 · April 2012

I love the idea of keeping my maiden name as a middle name and assuming my FI's last name once we're married. I as well have been stressing about this because I also like the idea of having the same last name as my husband. My dad died over 17 years ago and I feel so closely attached to my family name I really couldn't see myself dropping this name. I feel like it is the first thing my father gave me and will be the only thing I have of his for the rest of my life. (I am also incredibly close to my paternal grandfather) I never considered the option of keeping my maiden name as a second middle name. This is a perfect solution to having it both ways.

Turtle&Star · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:bc6b3d8a-ccd7-4f56-83fd-b0ae3b20a3a3Post:79c80f6c-556f-4a71-bfe8-17f8ed0bc444">Re: Last name situation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Last name situation? : I agree with this. I've seen the patriline argument used to argue that women keeping their birth - "father's" - names is pointless, because they'll always just have some man's name. This is a bit like comparing apples and oranges. Yes, many in the United States do come from patrilineal societies, so we carry the name of our male forebears. How is that tradition the same as a choice made by an agentive woman about what she wants her current name to be? She has the choice now of what to do, and has many wonderful options before her. Often forgotten, men also have this choice.
Posted by Schatzi13[/QUOTE]

Yes, agreed 100% - I find that argument useful mostly as a counterpoint to the argument that it is *necessarily* reactionary to take your husband's name and *necessarily* self-affirming to keep your father's (which I have heard).

Part of what's interesting about all this to me is that we do *not* get to name ourselves, generally, and so both your given and your family names represent ties to your parents and family in complex ways. Instances in which we re-name ourselves, or are re-named, are traditionally limited to moments of profound change in our lives - marriage or religious conversion are the only two I can think of off the top of my head, though now, of course, people sometimes rename themselves for other reasons. It has to do with marking some kind of transformation in your identity.

It used to be that that changing your name when you got married signified a very specific, largely culturally-determined transformation - you went from being part of your father's family to part of your husband's (hence "being given away" by your father, etc.). What's awesome is that now, men and women are more free to decide for themselves how they will understand what kind of transformation is signified by getting married, and how they will mark that by re-naming, or not re-naming, themselves.

On a less, er, ponderously philosophical note, I am also leaning toward the four-name solution, although I worry that it will add a layer of complexity to certain things because not every form, for example, has space for two middle names. But I am probably overthinking that. (I love my middle name in part b/c it is a variation of my mom's first name - speaking of the ways in which our names tie us to our parents - and I don't want to give that up.)

Lisa50 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_last-name-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:bc6b3d8a-ccd7-4f56-83fd-b0ae3b20a3a3Post:c379bbb4-7d1b-4973-b485-65f06e9e5408">Re: Last name situation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, if it is your personal preference to change your name, that is great. <font color="#0000ff"><strong>It is your choice, so whatever you want to do is fine.</strong></font> However, I hate when people blame it on some nonexistent legal issue, as there isn't any. <strong><font color="#0000ff">If you want to change it, own it. Do not blame it on something that doesn't exist.
</font></strong>Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Frankly, OP, the personal preference goes both ways. Please don't try to intimidate or frighten other people by making up stories about legal or other issues that are simply non-existent.

I have <u>never</u> faced a legal issue -- not a single one -- because I my husband and I did not have the same last name. And honestly, no one gives a rat's arse if last names are different when you walk into a restaurant. Whomever calls to make reservations gives their last name. When we arrive, we give the host that name. Honestly, when you go to dinner with a friend, do you give multiple last names? No. <u>That doesn't even make sense</u>.

When I introduced myself to my son's teachers, it was always, "I'm Lisa X, Jack Y's mom." Period. Done. No one was confused. And, when someone has called me Mrs. Y... I let it ride. If you live in a school district whose teachers do not understand this, you might want to consider moving. They need to move into the 20th century, quickly, so they can join the rest of us in the 21st.

I'm quite certain you know someone who goes by her husband's last name and has not legally changed it. Why don't you know? There's is no reason for you -- or anyone else -- to know.

It seems you may have heard some very bizarre stories, none reality-based. I feel bad for you -- someone has really done a number on you, OP. But again, this is all about personal choice. Own your choice, please don't put down others' choices and please, please stop indulging in the scary stories. TYVM.

Grits8812 · April 2012

Take a piece of paper, and write down all the different possibilities for your name and his.

Don't make a decision the day you do it. Practice writing them out, say them out loud. Think of how it will sound with your future children's names if you have any ideas of what you might name them.

I'm in the same boat with you. I am the last girl with my father's last name. There is probably a few other girls with the same last name if you go back to the town we are from, but none of us associate ourselves with his side of the family.

I have never heard of any legal trouble with combining names, keeping your name, etc. Just make sure it works for you and your FI, and that you will be happy with it.

Good luck!

toothpastechica · April 2012

I didn't read all the pp, but I did read the initial question, I would probably hyphinate mine, and let him keep his as is. Theres no reason they have to be the same, and this way as far as anyone knows they will be the same the only difference is yours has a dash and his has a space since its actually his middle name not a last name. I don't really like the idea of adding the same name he already has to his name just so you have the same last name, and family cohesion and legal stuff...people are not stupid, they can figure out that you picked up his last name without dropping your own, thats a non-issue in my mind. Why make him change his when he already has your name in his name?

hannahmassey · April 2012

I plan on hyphenating my name, as well as hyphenating our daughter's name to include my last name. We are getting married on our daughter's 5th birthday and we feel like this is the right thing for us. He won't be changing his name at all. I've never heard of a man hyphenating his name after getting married but then again I dont know a lot of married people.

Last name situation?

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