How to handle BM not like eachother

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

I don't know how to handle my situation, I have two close friends, one is my MOH, the other is my BM. My BM thinks that she should be my MOH. They have never liked eachother, I have respected their feelings, I have never asked them to socialize with eachother until now. My BM is being extremely rude to not only me,my MOH and the other BM. She is uncooperative about everything, any suggestion made she dislikes and offers one of her own. She is being a poor sport. I have tried talking to her several times, but to no avail. She is being very stubborn. I'm at my breaking point, I want to ask my BM to step down, however her daughter is my flower girl. I desperately want the flower girl in my wedding, she is very dear to me. I now that if I ask my BM to step down, she will take her daughter with her. She made it quite clear that they are a packaged deal. My BM is by far the most stressful thing about my wedding planning. Please help! Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appriecated! Thank you in advance!

theternimator · March 2013

I don't know how to handle my situation, I have two close friends, one is my MOH, the other is my BM. My BM thinks that she should be my MOH. They have never liked eachother, I have respected their feelings, I have never asked them to socialize with eachother until now. My BM is being extremely rude to not only me,my MOH and the other BM. She is uncooperative about everything, any suggestion made she dislikes and offers one of her own. She is being a poor sport. I have tried talking to her several times, but to no avail. She is being very stubborn. I'm at my breaking point, I want to ask my BM to step down, however her daughter is my flower girl. I desperately want the flower girl in my wedding, she is very dear to me. I now that if I ask my BM to step down, she will take her daughter with her. She made it quite clear that they are a packaged deal. My BM is by far the most stressful thing about my wedding planning. Please help! Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appriecated! Thank you in advance!

AddieCake · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:b996bbb9-2d24-4081-aa8f-cc2d6c342e3b">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]You just said in another post (made after this one) that the BM already dropped out... Is it just me or is this the bride from earlier?
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]

I luff you.

beardownbchs · March 2013

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm

I think it's this. Unless now she's referring to another BM.

And then you were defending the BSC bridezilla in that other post...something is fishy here..

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:6a3038ef-aceb-43cc-aa43-d7730ad4d98a">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE] And then you were defending the BSC bridezilla in that other post...something is fishy here..
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

O RLY? Link?

SlothGoals · March 2013

If you are in fact a brand new bride to the board and not the bride from earlier threads all you can do at this point is let her know when the dress needs to be ordered by (after asking her what her budget is, of course). If she does not have her dress by the time of the wedding then she has taken herself out.

BMs don't need to do anything other than get the dress and show up. Anything else they do is lovely, but not necessary.

beardownbchs · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:36dd72f7-def5-4b32-9320-40cdfbbb3ab0">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : O RLY? Link?
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div><a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-help-translating-brides-intent_.2">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-help-translating-brides-intent_.2</a></div><div>
</div><div>I was referring to this one. Last page, last few comments.</div>

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

I have no idea what you are talking about... or who you think I am. My MOH has been my friend since we were 5 years old, my BM has been my co worker/ friend for 7 years. I'm 44 years old, I think and feel that a 40 year friendship over shadows a 7 year working friendship. I love my BM we have lunch everyday and she's great to chat with. I wouldn't change our relationship for anything. However when I need a shoulder to cry on and a much need girl bonding moment I turn to my MOH everytime. My BM is very sentive about rejection, she's been rejected so many times in her live I don't want to add to her pain. Even if I decided to not have her in my wedding, I'm not sure our relationship can handle it. I'm getting married in 3.5 months. I just want a new percpective on this situation. I have exhaust my normal resources.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

I call puppet

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

All of my WP has said the sky is the limit for the price of the dress. We chose this beautiful long chiffon dress, in a very vivid blue. It is $200.00 without taxes. I'm getting married on the beach, we are all going to be barefoot or in sandals. No jewelery required, hair down and flowy. Very casual small wedding, perfect for my love and I.

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:133197e9-b48d-464c-8b56-eae991f5477e">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : Then why did you say that she already stepped down and that you are no longer friends?
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]

When did I say that? I said in both my posts that I didn't know how to handle the situation and need advice... honestly why am I being attacked right now for asking a question? Isn't that why these forms are here?

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:80f25044-60d5-446a-800a-9361b12af23d">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are in fact a brand new bride to the board and not the bride from earlier threads all you can do at this point is let her know when the dress needs to be ordered by (after asking her what her budget is, of course). If she does not have her dress by the time of the wedding then she has taken herself out. BMs don't need to do anything other than get the dress and show up. Anything else they do is lovely, but not necessary.
Posted by kristbot[/QUOTE]

Is there a way I can handle this so all parties involve win? I really don't like hurting people or cause uneccassary pain.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:3d0ca580-e791-44ed-9340-532a60f17cbf">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-help-translating-brides-intent_.2">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-help-translating-brides-intent_.2</a> I was referring to this one. Last page, last few comments.
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

Oh snap, that <em>one</em>?!

erinlin25 · March 2013

if you ask her to step down you will lose more than a flower girl, you will lose your friend. So if you are ready for that drama, go for it.

Just stop talking wedding with her. All she has to do is show up on the wedding day wearing the chosen dress. If she doesn't get the dress she has taken herself out. If she doesnot like MOH she can choose be a child and not come to anything but the wedding. She can either accept being a bridesmaid or remove herself. She is acting pretty immature if she is complaining about not being the MOH. I really do not see why people take that role like they are so important and anyone who is "only a BM" is not. So weird. MOH/BM do the same damn thing--wear a dress, walk down the aisle, and stand with the bride. The lucky MOH gets to hold the brides flowers and maybe give a toast if she'd like to.

Sounds like you picked the right MOH.

Sierra524 · March 2013

Maybe she is being a poor sport bc 200 without tax for a dress she is never going to wear again is an awful big request. Anyway, if you want her to step down, be prepared to completely end your friendship. Also, if she is really stressing you out and you really dont want her there, then dont make her daughter be the only reason you decide to keep her in your WP or you will both be miserable. I dont blame her for wanting to take her daughter out if you kick her out. If she does, you just wont have a FG, no big deal.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:c6726449-0742-4fbb-be28-0d7ffd399582">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : Oh snap, that one ?!
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah she's on there totally backing up a 'complete stranger' whose argument she never saw, and therefore can't possibly agree with. With a lot of zeal, I might add.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

SlothGoals · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:190ca41d-4ae3-48da-acd4-c468688e0476">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : Is there a way I can handle this so all parties involve win? I really don't like hurting people or cause uneccassary pain.
Posted by theternimator[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that the best thing to do is make sure that the BM in question knows that all you need from her is to be by your side on your wedding day. That should be the most important thing right now. The other thing you could do to ease tension is let the BMs choose their own dresses in whichever fabric/colour you choose. That way they can stay within a comfortable price range and get something they feel beautiful in.
</div><div>
</div><div>As for the BM not getting along with other people, well, you can't force people to be nice to one another. Some people just don't work well in groups. Stop engaging your BM when she talks about how she should be MOH. Your WP is your decision and it is rude of her to question that. Next time she brings it up tell her that your choices are not up for discussion.</div>

SlothGoals · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:29a89fe3-e161-4187-a5d8-ceb8aa471ab7">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : When did I say that? I said in both my posts that I didn't know how to handle the situation and need advice... honestly why am I being attacked right now for asking a question? Isn't that why these forms are here?
Posted by theternimator[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You did say it in this thread:</div><div>
</div><div><a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm</a>

</div>

AddieCake · March 2013

The trolls and puppets must smell our Easter candy.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2013

Where was all this drama earlier, I need to go to bed soon!

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

Thank you for your help. I think I will go with my gut and just push through all the drama, hopefully she considers me to be important as I consider her to me. Thank you for the advice.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:7a4e7d78-319b-4c06-b18f-bb40db77f0a9">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]The trolls and puppets must smell our Easter candy.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>*gasp* Not the Easter candies!!!</div>

AddieCake · March 2013

They LOVE the peeps!

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:6050226e-2927-4725-a39c-a53cb719b301">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle BM not like eachother : You did say it in this thread: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm</a>
Posted by kristbot[/QUOTE]

The one where I said she already know what she needed to do? Yes, my future hubby's (I love saying that!) sister, she never liked me, after my future hubby and I talked we felt it was better for her not be apart of our wedding, so we sat down with her and had a heart to heart. We explained our situation and feelings. She didn't take it well, we are trying to rebuild the unstable relationship we had before. My future hubby asked his best man's wife to step in and fill the empty slot.

SlothGoals · March 2013

[QUOTE]In Response to RE: How to handle BM not like eachother : You did say it in this thread:<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/weddingboards_weddingparty_tellingafriendsheisntabmPosted">ttp://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/weddingboards_weddingparty_tellingafriendsheisntabmPosted</a> by kristbot<div>The one where I said she already know what she needed to do? Yes, my future hubby's I love saying that! sister, she never liked me, after my future hubby and I talked we felt it was better for hernbsp;not be apart of our wedding, so we sat down with her and had a heart to heart. We explained our situation and feelings. She didn't take it well, we are trying to rebuild the unstable relationship we had before. My future hubby asked his best man's wife to step in and fill the empty slot. Posted by theternimator [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div> Not quite. In the thread I linked to you specifically referenced the BM you're talking about in this current thread who refuses to get a dress or measured. Not your FSIL. You should keep track of what you post, TK has a long memory and the regs an even longer one. ETA: stupid autocorrect</div></div>

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

Thank you again to those you offered advice! I basically just needed to have my thoughts confirmed. To everyone else, I'm not quite sure what I did, I already apologized for posting on the onther thread. I didn't mean to offend or bother anyone. I didn't realize this website was going to be like this, I have always heard good things said about The Knot. I haven't been on here before, truthfully it made me sad to see everyone getting there happily ever after and I was still waiting. But not anymore! I can't wait!

Viczaesar · March 2013

You didn't think we would notice you telling two different stories on two different threads? So you thought we were dumb?

Knottie_22382452 · March 2013

Ternimator, sounds like we have a similar issue only my daughter was the flower girl and the bride booted her after something happened between us. I was a "back up" MOH, incase the actual MOH was hard to get a hold of. I had promised a date a week earlier than that of the cut off for the dress and it wasn't good enough because i didn't have the money in pocket right then when she asked. A 6year friendship down the tubes over a dress that i had every intention of purchasing. Not to mention the lovely nasty parting messages from her after stepping out of her wedding amongst other things. Also time lines are quite similar of friendships only shes been friends with the MOH since HS. Hmm. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what you are looking for on here.

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-handle-bm-not-like-eachother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b2f913-43fd-4242-bc7b-aa9456b5cb1dPost:1c6edfe9-ccdd-4f6b-b0d2-9ff97c6ed7c6">Re: How to handle BM not like eachother</a>:
[QUOTE]You made a very bad decision. There was no need for your bridesmaids to get along, or even need to contact each other. All they "have" to do is get their dress and show up for the wedding. They stand beside each other for the duration of the ceremony. You were wrong to expect more. You didn't "ask" her to "step down" from your wedding. YOU KICKED HER OUT because you thought she didn't do enough for you. You made all the years of your friendship more important than this one day out of your life. Moreover, you essentially treated it as, "i'm going to kick you to the curb because you don't shower enough attention on me during my wedding planning, but I expect you to still allow your daughter to be a flower girl, because I need her to make my weddding photos you look pretty." Do you THINK at all??? How could any intelligent person believe for one second that anyone would smile and still want to be your friend after you treated them that way, let alone allow their daughter to remain in your wedding??? Kicking someone out of your wedding is a VERY public insult to your friend. It also says a lot about a bride: that she believes she's entitled to have her friends wait on her just BECAUSE she's a bride. (Oh, I'm getting married, and that makes me so important, and everyone should shower me with attention and do things for me, or they're a bad friend to me.) If you need a shoulder to cry on - and you shouldn't, because a wedding is a happy time - you should be using your future husband for that, NOT your bridesmaids. Does this sound harsh? I am simply stating facts. You claim you're in your forties. Well, I'm 49. It's past time to grow up and be a wife, not a teenager.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

As I said I have decided to grin and bare the drama, she is too far important to me to ruin our friendship. Thank you again

Jessa617 · March 2013

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How to handle BM not like eachother

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