Party for Mother of the Groom

kelli groot · April 2013

My dear friend (mother of the groom) is not allowed to invite any friends to her son's wedding, and only a few relatives (even though they tactfully offered to share the expense of the reception), and every aspect of the wedding (and rehearsal dinner that they are hosting) has been planned contrary to any wishes of her family. Would it be appropriate for a few of her friends to host a small luncheon honoring her and the upcoming wedding? It would be tasteful and loving...with the intent of surrounding her with love and a 'send-off' to the wedding festivites?

bethsmiles · April 2013

The wedding isn't about the MOG and I don't think it would be appropriate to throw her party just because she doesn't like what has been planned. This isn't her wedding, it's her son and his FI's it doesn't need to planned to her wishes, especially if she isn't paying.

STARMOON44 · April 2013

On first read, I thought yes absolutely. It's always nice to throw someone a party. But your posts drips with judgment of the bride, and you don't know the whole story. In the long run, your friend is going to be stuck with this woman for a long time, and if there's a risk of this party throwing oil on the flames, it might be a kindness to skip it.

teachmegs1 · April 2013

Are you throwing her a pity party because you feel bad she hasn't been able to do anything for her son's wedding? If the bride's parents are paying then his mother wouldn't get a say, because it's not something she's paying for, regardless of her volunteering to do so. If his FI and him (the son) are paying for their wedding, again, his mother still wouldn't have a say in what's planned. It sounds like they are hosting the rehearsal dinner, which is their choice, but doesn't warrant all of the other stuff. It sounds like she needs to sit down with her son and let him know that some of the things going on have hurt her feelings. Not that it may change anything, but it might ease some tension between the families.

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

Why does she need a party? Her child is getting married, not her.

You're more than welcome to hang out with you friends whenever you'd like. But a luncheon that doesn't involve bad comments about a bride & groom's plan is always more fun than one with them.

AdeleDazeem · April 2013

I think your heart is in the right place - clearly the Mother of the Groom is upset with how the wedding planning is going and is probably feeling slighted. I'm sure she's upset that she can't invite more of her friends and family, but she needs to remember that if she's not footing the bill, then she doesn't get any say over the guest list.

If you want to take her out lunch, then I see no problem with that. However, I'm not sure why she needs a "send off" or an "honoring" for her son getting married. There aren't "mother of the bride" parties or "mother of the groom" showers so I'm not sure why she needs one. This wedding event isn't about her - it's about her son and his new life. Please, feel free to spend time with her and love her, but she doesn't need to be "honored" in any capacity.

Jen4948 · April 2013

I don't see any reason why the MOG can't have a party with her friends, but I would make it a non-wedding-related party. Stay out of any differences she is having with her son and the bride. If she isn't paying for it, she doesn't get a say in who gets invited.

RebeccaB88 · April 2013

It's not her wedding, she is not paying for it, therefore, she doesn't get a say in how the wedding happens. Her son and his fiancée are presumably adults, and can make and pay for their own decisions.

If you would like to do something nice for her, take her out to lunch or dinner sometime before or after the wedding, but don't make it into a party thrown out of pity.

NantucketBride12 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:0be2a800-e7cf-446d-bc43-b981e847d683">Re:Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]On first read, I thought yes absolutely. It's always nice to throw someone a party. But your posts drips with judgment of the bride, and you don't know the whole story. In the long run, your friend is going to be stuck with this woman for a long time, and if there's a risk of this party throwing oil on the flames, it might be a kindness to skip it.
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Completely.</div>

Sassenach1743 · April 2013

You know... not to get too judgy too fast, but I gotta say, it's posts like these that prove how bent out of shape people get when a wedding is afoot.

Seriously? Why do weddings bring out the worst and most ridiculous in people? If it's not YOUR wedding or you're not PAYING for it, then why do you care? And I'm speaking in terms of the MOG regarding this post (which, really, sounds like it's been written by the MOG herself).

Not every wedding is planned the same way. And when it comes to family (parents, especially) why is it so hard to just let your children have their day? It's not about you! It's not about your friends. The parents are not the focus... just back off and don't take every little thing so personally because it has nothing to do with you. Just be happy for your child, who is the one getting married!

Sheesh!

And, if this really is a concerned friend of the MOG writing this post.... Just take her to lunch and spend time with her as you normally would. If she needs to talk then be there for her. But hosting a party FOR her and in HONOR of the upcoming wedding is completely inappropriate and ridiculous and will surely make things worse for whatever dynamics are happening between her and her son and FDIL. Stay out of it.

winelover123 · April 2013

No. Just no. Have a party but keep it unrelated to the wedding. This isn't her wedding. The bride and groom more than likely said no because either her parents are paying or they want to stay in control of the wedding. Usually money = strings.It's ok for her to be bummed to not have more of her friends present, but she isn't paying and it isn't her wedding. Take her to lunch and call it a day.

Loopyseven · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:8a3534a5-21e6-4046-8ca0-514422dc634a">Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]My dear friend (mother of the groom) is not allowed to invite any friends to her son's wedding, and only a few relatives (even though they tactfully offered to share the expense of the reception), and every aspect of the wedding (and rehearsal dinner that they are hosting) has been planned contrary to any wishes of her family. Would it be appropriate for a few of her friends to host a small luncheon honoring her and the upcoming wedding? It would be tasteful and loving...with the intent of surrounding her with love and a 'send-off' to the wedding festivites?
Posted by 445343825005369[/QUOTE]

<div>No.</div>

arendiva · April 2013

I really hope that this is a converned friend and not actually a MOG posting this. This idea is totally inappropriate. The wedding is not about parents. Brides and grooms are under no obligation to invite the friends of their parents, especially if they are paying for their own wedding. They are under no obligation to accept funds from thier parents when offered to cover friends as this often leads to B&G's getting stiffed with the bill (so many instances of this are seen on the knot). Futhermore I fail to see why having children who are capable of finding mates entails the MOG to a party honoring her. What has she done that would be worthy of being honored in this scenario?

erinlin25 · April 2013

she doesn't need a party, but as PPs have mentioned take her to lunch or something as you would as a normal friend. She does not need pity party that she did not get to invite all her friends to her son's wedding. Let her be excited for the wedding, and even if you are not invited let her know how excited you are for her son.

In a perfect world every wedding would be able to invite every single person they ever wanted to invite. My parents are paying, but they gave themselves a limit, me and groom a limit and MOG a limit-- its the fair way to do it. Now I would side eye a bit if brides family was inviting 80% of the guestlist and only gave Groom side a smaller portion. But if its family and b/g close friends that is normal. Even if they are paying, I would hope everyone had a least an equal portion of the guest list since it take two people to get married, not just the bride. But if Bride & Groom just wanted a small intimate wedding, then it is what it is. It was nice of MOG to offer to pay more, but maybea bigger wedding was not in the wishes of the bride and groom.

If MOG is hosting the rehearsal dinner she should have say in that planning. Obviously the guest list is pretty pre-determined, but she should get a say in the location and the freedom to host it. I could not tell in OP if she was upset the brides family was planning it but she was expected to pay for it?

I do agree that if you are just her friend though, you should stay out of it and not fuel her fire if she is upset. Encourage her to talk to her son so she understands the planning process. I did not know how much my FMIL wanted to be involved since she never asked about anything wedding related at first, but as we got closer to the wedding she started showing an interest and I could tell she was interested in joining in some of the planning process. She said she did not want ti interfere with our planning, but I would would not be having a wedding if it were not for her son, so I was more than happy ti include her in the cake tasting, flower planning and touring the venue, etc. Its one thing to demand involvement or add guests if its not in the hosts budget, but I would hope if she had interest in being involved and knowing what was being planned, that her son would keep her updated or at least encourage bride and her mom to include MOG some way.

smalfrie19 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:0867877b-76ac-4281-bcea-c43180eedf3a">Re: Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]You know... not to get too judgy too fast, but I gotta say, it's posts like these that prove how bent out of shape people get when a wedding is afoot. Seriously? Why do weddings bring out the worst and most ridiculous in people? If it's not YOUR wedding or you're not PAYING for it, then why do you care? And I'm speaking in terms of the MOG regarding this post (which, really, sounds like it's been written by the MOG herself). Not every wedding is planned the same way. And when it comes to family (parents, especially) why is it so hard to just let your children have their day? It's not about you! It's not about your friends. The parents are not the focus... just back off and don't take every little thing so personally because it has nothing to do with you. Just be happy for your child, who is the one getting married! Sheesh! And, if this really is a concerned friend of the MOG writing this post.... Just take her to lunch and spend time with her as you normally would. If she needs to talk then be there for her. But hosting a party FOR her and in HONOR of the upcoming wedding is completely inappropriate and ridiculous and will surely make things worse for whatever dynamics are happening between her and her son and FDIL. Stay out of it.
Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I completely agree with all of this. Even parents who pay for weddings, I agree that if they are paying should have a say, but I find it SO aggravating that some parents take advantage of that "money with strings" and treat their children's wedding as their own affair. </div>

kmmssg · April 2013

I'm a 3 time mother of the bride. I also think this would be inappropriate. There could be many things going on in this situation that we don't know about.

1. We could truly have a couple who wants an intimate wedding and not friends of the parents. We only invite 2 couples to our daughters' weddings and they grew up with them and have maintained adult relationships with them. We NEVER invite our personal friends to our girls' weddings.

2. We may have a bride and her mother doing all the planning and the groom is just along for the ride. If so, shame on him if people who are important to HIM aren't being invited.

3. We may have a mother of the groom who is being perceived as very difficult and controlling the the couple and they are doing what they need to do to stop it. We tell girls all the time when they are dealing with a controlling future mother in law to not accept money from them because it could have too many strings attached to it.

If the bride's family is inviting half the world and telling the groom's side they can invite a handful (regardless of an offer to pay) that is wrong and the bride and groom should have worked that out. We don't even know if the bride's family is paying or if the couple are paying.

Lots of unknowns here.

If you want to take your friends out for a great girls night out then have at it! Holding a consolation pity pary for her because she didn't get her way with her son's wedding is really a poor idea and will just fan any flames. Great dinner, good wine, good friends make for a wonder night out - keep the wedding out of it so it doesn't become an old hen's party complaining about the wedding, the bride, the couple, the bride's family, or the price of tea in China.

Simply Fated · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:8a3534a5-21e6-4046-8ca0-514422dc634a">Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]My dear friend (mother of the groom) is not allowed to invite any friends to her son's wedding, and only a few relatives (even though they tactfully offered to share the expense of the reception), and every aspect of the wedding (and rehearsal dinner that they are hosting) has been planned contrary to any wishes of her family. Would it be appropriate for a few of her friends to host a small luncheon honoring her and the upcoming wedding? It would be tasteful and loving...with the intent of surrounding her with love and a 'send-off' to the wedding festivites?
Posted by 445343825005369[/QUOTE]

Your friend seems to think the upcoming wedding should be more about her than about the couple. She's not the one getting married, her son is. And if he wants to keep it to people he and the bride wants there, then that's up to them.

I think it would be very sweet of you to take her out to lunch to celebrate her son's upcoming wedding, but I would draw the line at a party where she is honoured. What would she be honored for? A party just doesn't make sense.

lyndausvi · April 2013

Ditto on kmmssg on there are way too many unknowns whether the MOG is justified in being upset or not.

I also understand that some social groups have LONG standing traditions of the MOG hosting a nice RD for the couple that include friends and family of the parents. I'm sure it's hard to see your friends all get to host the RD for their sons and her not be able to do the same. Some MOBs have dreams of hosting their daughter's weddings, I do not think it's unreasonable to think the a MOGs have the same type of dream. Especially if it's something always done in their social group.

However, MOG just has to suck it up that the couple has different plans. Times have changed and traditions have changed. Days where the bride's family pays for the wedding, the groom's family pays for the RD and everyone is invited are going by the way side. She just has to get over it and move on.

So NO, having a party for the MOG is not appropriate.

efmcc67 · April 2013

I completely agree with PPs. I'd also like to point out that the bride and groom were well within their rights to refuse the money your friend offered. As we say often on The Knot, money comes with strings. If you refuse the money, then you get to plan the wedding you want. It sounds like the couple did that.

I'm sorry your friend feels slighted. You can still be a good friend to her, but the kind of party you're describing doesn't sound completely appropriate.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

You're heart is in the right place. But obviously many details aren't being provided such as is the limited guest list because they don't want the MOG to be able to invite friends or is it possibly due to the limited capacity of the venue they have choosen or as a previous poster commented, they want to keep it small and intimate. But that's really not the issue.

Again your heart is in the right place but traditionally neither mother gets a special event. You can alway offer to go dress shopping with her or even go with her the week of the wedding & have lunch & get your nails done together. But make it more about spending time with a friend then a party to honor her. Save it for her birthday, or for when there is a grandbaby on the way. I work at a large corporation and at my office it's getting more common to have grandma showers because it's nice for grandma to have a few basics to keep at their home for when the baby visits.

RamonaFlowers · April 2013

I'm not sure why, but I'm basically picturing this party being some kind of bride-less bridal shower. Your friend isn't getting married, her son is. There doesn't need to be an afternoon in her honor for a wedding that isn't hers.

If the girls all want to get together for a happy hour or something that's completely unrelated to the wedding-fine, knock yourselves out. But a "pre-wedding party" for somebody who's not getting married is not appropriate.

thejucheidea · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:8a3534a5-21e6-4046-8ca0-514422dc634a">Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]My dear friend (mother of the groom) is not allowed to invite any friends to her son's wedding, and only a few relatives (even though they tactfully offered to share the expense of the reception), and every aspect of the wedding (and rehearsal dinner that they are hosting) has been planned contrary to any wishes of her family. Would it be appropriate for a few of her friends to host a small luncheon honoring her and the upcoming wedding? It would be tasteful and loving...with the intent of surrounding her with love and a 'send-off' to the wedding festivites?
Posted by 445343825005369[/QUOTE]
Maybe she's not allowed to invite friends because all of her friends are passive-aggressive haters like yourself.

nycrose2013 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:ba5dcf4f-7613-49fc-bbe7-bb11b9ce1321">Re: Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure why, but I'm basically picturing this party being some kind of bride-less bridal shower. Your friend isn't getting married, her son is. There doesn't need to be an afternoon in her honor for a wedding that isn't hers. If the girls all want to get together for a happy hour or something that's completely unrelated to the wedding-fine, knock yourselves out. But a "pre-wedding party" for somebody who's not getting married is not appropriate.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

Agree completely, what a strange thought. It is also pretty clear there would be some gossip happening at this party, which is not a great way to start a new family relationship

Salsera29 · April 2013

Any other soon-to-be-brides have the thought, "Huh, I hope that isn't my FMIL's friend?"

Sassenach1743 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_party-for-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5785d8f2-a89b-4e41-8644-fa336a9f7d29Post:045c20d3-273d-4b07-ba16-4aedc6386371">Re: Party for Mother of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]Any other soon-to-be-brides have the thought, "Huh, I hope that isn't my FMIL's friend?"
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

<div>Lol! Yes, actually! I did for a minute! </div>

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