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Wedding Woes

how to handle the mother in law.

I've always been a sensitive person. While fMIL is going on about her 5 minute dance with her son... I blurt out "Actually we were thinking of doing it a different way!" and explained that I was feeling nauseated at the idea of having all eyes on me, and that it was going to take some nerves to even get me down the aisle! She then explained "All brides go thru this, my dad had to drag me to take my first step down the aisle!"

3 months later (while I've been working my tail off planning the wedding, with no help or support from HER!) she sends some FB message to her son saying he "needs to make her dance happen" and that she's been "dreaming about it" since he was a little boy. 

The real issue here is that she does this all the time. She won't communicate with me, but she will whine to him when she doesn't like our plans, holidays etc. I think it's childish and manipulative. He thinks so too, that's why he doesn't like to deal with her. (Stupid me knew this from day 1.) 

So when he simply forwarded me the message, instead of handling her, I contacted her. I told her if she wanted to discuss our wedding, she should do it in person, or to both of us.  Well. She flipped. To the point where the entire family is calling him saying awful things about me. Telling him to reconsider saying I DO. His response is to ignore them. 

I want him to handle it and stand up for me! Another 3 months has gone by and this is completely unresolved! What do I do?

Re: how to handle the mother in law.

  • Here's the thing:  your FI already does deal with her.  He ignores her.  And honestly, that's nearly the one way to deal with someone who is trying to manipulate, b/c responding to them only escalates a situation.  It's really difficult, this is experience talking, to manage relationships that are outside of your realm of experience with family, friends, etc.  You need to follow his lead on this.  Let him deal with his family and their issues, which is sounds like he was trying to do until you got involved.  I know it's hard not to, but you're just going to have to learn to let him manage these things.  You'll find it a blessing later that she just whines to him and not both of you.

    Also, she doesn't have to help plan your wedding, so even slightly complaining about that makes you seem like a brat.

    What does your FI want to do for his mother/son dance?  That's what's important here.  If you don't want to do one, fine.
  • I agree with Varuna. Why did you contact her? Did you think that was going to go well? If your fiance wants to do the dance, they can do the dance. If he doesn't, then he should tell her so. It has nothing to do with you. Just b/c they do a dance doesn't mean you have to. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I agree with Varuna that ignoring the manipulation is one way to deal, and maybe it's his method of choice, but he shouldn't be forwarding that crap to you to deal with.  That's not him ignoring it, it's him being a coward.  If he wanted to ignore it, he would have never forwarded those emails to you.

    It's his mother/family, he should handle it.  From now on, you stay out of it and direct everything to him.  But you need to make a decision about how he chooses to deal with it.  If he decides to give in to her, are you willing to go along with it for the rest of her life?

    I've got a crazy MIL who likes to stick her nose into everyone's business.  DH gave her the HSD card a looooong time ago and she has stopped messing with us and instead focuses on his siblings, who won't stand up for themselves.

    By the way, have you talked to your FI about the dance?  Does he want to dance with his mom at his wedding?  If so, I think a little compromise is in order.
  • It is really hard to rationalize these unfamiliar behaviors/traits within his family. I appreciate the direct advice, it is virtually unattainable from confidants! I was trying to illustrate that the ONLY time she pops up is to say what SHE wants -- not to say "Hey how are you" or "is wedding planning going good" "how's the dog" etc. Which is incredibly frustrating for me - my family is close and supportive. If they only have nasty things to say, I feel like we need to set limits for what is and is not acceptable! She played drama queen when her oldest son got married too -- I felt like she needed to know it was not ok. However, I guess I need to change my frame of mind that ignoring is a strategy. I'm sure it's better I don't know everything .... obv I would buy right into her drama. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:1a610f2f-3fab-4105-9bd5-ba4cb01efddf">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Varuna. Why did you contact her? Did you think that was going to go well? If your fiance wants to do the dance, they can do the dance. If he doesn't, then he should tell her so. It has nothing to do with you. Just b/c they do a dance doesn't mean you have to. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    This, definitely.  If they want the dance, they can have the dance; if not, then FI needs to tell her in no uncertain terms and then everyone needs to STFU about it.
  • And now that you know this is her "normal", you know not to expect certain behaviors.  You won't be turning to her for support, for example.

    I'm not saying its ok for her to treat you/her kids that way, I'm just saying you know she's a selfish person and she won't change, so all you can do is distance yourself from the mess.

    Take how she's acting for these weddings and think about buying a house or if/when you have a child.  It's going to be so.much.worse.  That's why these boundaries need to be established yesterday.

    Trust me, I thought the same thing as you - "I felt like she needed to know it was not ok."  But I bit my tongue and let my DH handle it all (though I never had to ask him to do it, he was always on top of it).  MIL and I have had our disagreements, but DH has always been good about putting her in her place.
  • AddieL73 - idk. impulsive anger. I was fed up with her walking all over him. 
    tawillers! THANK YOU! That's what I've been talking about with him. But I think maybe it's less ignoring and more just don't want to deal with it (which I think enables her, like you said). 

    As far as the dance goes, we didn't like how she chose a six minute song for the brother's wedding. IT was painful, and drawn out. We loved how my cousin did something different with the dance. We both talked about starting with both of us and our respective parental unit, then inviting other father/daughter mother/son onto the floor a minute or so through. That was our plan..........I'm sure if she had talked with us in person/together rather than some sneaky email demanding her way, we could open up some kind of discussion for a compromise. But after all this drama, compromise is the last thing on my mind!!! sheesh!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:869181ec-c7b2-4a66-b9a1-a47136913f8d">how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've always been a sensitive person. While fMIL is going on about her 5 minute dance with her son... I blurt out "Actually we were thinking of doing it a different way!" and explained that I was feeling nauseated at the idea of having all eyes on me, and that it was going to take some nerves to even get me down the aisle! She then explained "All brides go thru this, my dad had to drag me to take my first step down the aisle!" 3 months later (while I've been working my tail off planning the wedding, with no help or support from HER!) she sends some FB message to her son saying he "needs to make her dance happen" and that she's been "dreaming about it" since he was a little boy.  The real issue here is that she does this all the time. She won't communicate with me, but she will whine to him when she doesn't like our plans, holidays etc. I think it's childish and manipulative. He thinks so too, that's why he doesn't like to deal with her. (Stupid me knew this from day 1.)  So when he simply forwarded me the message, instead of handling her, I contacted her. I told her if she wanted to discuss our wedding, she should do it in person, or to both of us.  Well. She flipped. To the point where the entire family is calling him saying awful things about me. Telling him to reconsider saying I DO. His response is to ignore them.  I want him to handle it and stand up for me! Another 3 months has gone by and this is completely unresolved! What do I do?
    Posted by Ciocie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Oh, i agree with Taw that he shouldn't have forwarded it.  But it sounds like to me, he did it b/c she's all in his face about "dealing with your mother".  You have to walk a fine line, b/c my DH complains about his mother to me b/c we're also friends and we talk, not b/c he wants me to do something about it.  He just wants someone to listen (which is hard to do, b/c that's not my personality at all).

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:07952f06-2469-4181-8f21-598a5fc0a2b5">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]if not, then FI needs to tell her in no uncertain terms and then everyone needs to STFU about it.
    Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>WELL SAID! </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:b348723e-127c-4be8-aa05-35c41c5aaede">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she tries to get at you with wedding stuff, <strong><em>bean dip</em></strong>, tell her FI will call her back later about it, and end the call.
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

    <div>What is bean dip?  Is it a typo or is this a new thing I don't know about?  :D</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:4b9bde8d-2f7f-4a1a-8db1-a17b732009c4">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to handle the mother in law. : <strong>What is bean dip?</strong>  Is it a typo or is this a new thing I don't know about?  :D
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

    From what I understand, it is a strategy to make people talk about something other than the wedding around you.  So they ask about something about your wedding and you give a noncommital answer, and then say "Hey, have you tried this bean dip?  It is delicious".  And then repeat until they are talking about the bean dip and not your wedding.  Other people have explained it better and much more comically on other boards . . . I tried. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:d3664cb1-a2e6-4f30-a736-6de9b0f0ea0b">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE]you give a noncommital answer, and then say "Hey, have you tried this bean dip?  It is delicious".  And then repeat until they are talking about the bean dip and not your wedding.  
    Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

    <div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;line-height:normal;">Hahaha! Thank you! <div>
    </div></div></div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:b348723e-127c-4be8-aa05-35c41c5aaede">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE] Wait for it to die down, then call your FMIL and apologize. Blame it on wedding jitters or stress at work, whatever. Have a pillow to punch nearby. If she tries to get at you with wedding stuff, bean dip, tell her FI will call her back later about it, and end the call.
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

    <div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;line-height:normal;"><div>It wasn't the stupid dance, so much as it was the continuous whining to FI about whatever she wants to cry about. After me putting in so much time and planning and DIY projects, for her to just whine to FI about our plans, when I had talked to her about it already --- seemed like crossing my line in the sand. I never said she couldn't have it, just that we were doing it differently. I'm sure if she had been interested in having a discussion with us in person or together, I wouldn't have felt so blatantly disregarded. Maybe even been persuaded into it if there was any element of respect. </div><div>
    </div><div>I talked with FI and wanted to suck it up and skype with both his parents the following weekend. I said I <u>would</u> apologize for butting in, and gladly let him handle things in future. but FI was still ticked about what they said to him......soo... here we are 3 months later. We're all 5. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>This just in... I showed him the advice from you lovely ladies... he says he is calling her this week to say his peace. Inevitably followed by my own call of.....apology. grumble. </div></div></div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-to-handle-the-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4bea1ee7-48d0-4996-af48-fc49722dc90fPost:b348723e-127c-4be8-aa05-35c41c5aaede">Re: how to handle the mother in law.</a>:
    [QUOTE] If she tries to get at you with wedding stuff, <strong>bean dip</strong>, tell her FI will call her back later about it, and end the call.
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]
    I know where you hang out! <div>
    </div><div>"Bean dip" is a redirection technique. Over on Etiquette Hell, that's how it's referred to - bean dipping. </div>
    image
  • i agree with the PP that your FI needs to deal with his mom, although I don't think you need to apologize for putting her in her place - provided you were civilized when you did so. 

    the two of you need to be in agreement on how family drama will be dealt with - it will be worse if you have kids.  

    my MIL has a tendency to be a bit overbearing and demanding about things (like us travelling from PA to MI for a baptism of our nephew, or flying from TX to PA for a baptism of one of our nieces) but DK is very happy to give her a "ho sit down" card when necessary. 
  • mrsjlmsmrsjlms member
    First Comment
    edited October 2013
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