How to Choose my MOH

leah1195 · January 2011

Hi Ladies,

Hoping I could get your opinion on something! Or in the very least, if you have suggestions, please let me know what you would do in my shoes! Thanks.

OK! I am trying to decide between 2 very very close friends of mine. We've been great friends ever since we were all pregnant at the same time and we have been through a lot.

I would love to have BOTH of them as my MOH but my fiancee and I are only going to have a Best Man, MOH and our little 18 month old rockstar is going to be our ring-bearer!!

So - how to choose! They are both equally dear to me and my largest fear is offending one of them.

They are both going to a Briday Shower with me this weekend and afterwards I want to take them both out for a thank you cocktail and somehow ask one of them.

I was thinking of telling them both how much they mean and how I would like to choose them but can only choose 1, and to make it fair I'd like to draw their name from a cocktail glass and the one I choose is the MOH.

Is that tacky? Please tell me what the heck you would do, lol. And many thanks in advance for reading and responding!

bablingbrooke · January 2011

Have them both as MOH if you can't choose between them. You don't need symmetry. It's completely unimportant. Besides, no one cares about the ratio of MsOH: BM. Really. If they do, so what?

You won't regret asking them, but I think you will regret choosing between them.

Since you have about 16 months until your wedding, wait at least four months to make any decisions. It's a little too early at this point.

leah1195 · January 2011

Thanks. I've thought of that but the thing is I have 3 younger sisters who then would argue "Well if you can do that then why not choose us" - which is why I am trying to choose a friend.

Luckily my sisters are understanding about us not wanting a big wedding party and know they have not been asked because I don't want to offend any of them.

Simply Fated · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choose-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef4bfc08-f73f-4820-9220-2a90b33ff243Post:46792ec6-cf0c-474f-8af3-adaa8f5e4395">How to Choose my MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, Hoping I could get your opinion on something! Or in the very least, if you have suggestions, please let me know what you would do in my shoes! Thanks. OK! I am trying to decide between 2 very very close friends of mine. We've been great friends ever since we were all pregnant at the same time and we have been through a lot. I would love to have BOTH of them as my MOH but my fiancee and I are only going to have a Best Man, MOH and our little 18 month old rockstar is going to be our ring-bearer!! So - how to choose! They are both equally dear to me and my largest fear is offending one of them. They are both going to a Briday Shower with me this weekend and <strong>afterwards I want to take them both out for a thank you cocktail and somehow ask one of them. I was thinking of telling them both how much they mean and how I would like to choose them but can only choose 1, and to make it fair I'd like to draw their name from a cocktail glass and the one I choose is the MOH. Is that tacky?</strong> Please tell me what the heck you would do, lol. And many thanks in advance for reading and responding!
Posted by leah1195[/QUOTE]

How would you like it if someone said to you, "Sorry Leah, you're a great friend and all, but Martha means more to me than you do."
If you are going to ask one of them, ask them without the other friend there. Otherwise, it's not tacky, it's just rude and insulting.

Or you could just ask them both to be co-Maids of honor. Who gives a crap if your fiance is only having a best man? Sides don't have to be even and you don't have to choose between two great people. Easy as delicious pie.

bablingbrooke · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choose-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef4bfc08-f73f-4820-9220-2a90b33ff243Post:bcf7fb17-6463-4180-8a99-32a2330a3e79">Re: How to Choose my MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks. I've thought of that but the thing is I have 3 younger sisters who then would argue "Well if you can do that then why not choose us" - which is why I am trying to choose a friend. Luckily my sisters are understanding about us not wanting a big wedding party and know they have not been asked because I don't want to offend any of them.
Posted by leah1195[/QUOTE]
Oh no no no no no.<div>
</div><div>Telling someone why they weren't picked is the worst thing you could have done. Really. You should have either not said a word or asked all three.</div><div>
</div><div>You are putting style over substance here over and over. That's the sort of thing brides live to regret. Please reassess your MO.</div>

Simply Fated · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choose-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef4bfc08-f73f-4820-9220-2a90b33ff243Post:bcf7fb17-6463-4180-8a99-32a2330a3e79">Re: How to Choose my MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks. I've thought of that but the thing is I have 3 younger sisters who then would argue "Well if you can do that then why not choose us" - which is why I am trying to choose a friend. Luckily my sisters are understanding about us not wanting a big wedding party and know they have not been asked because I don't want to offend any of them.
Posted by leah1195[/QUOTE]
Let them argue. Who cares?

or, instead of haing two friends, have three sisters.

Choose the person or people you want standing up there most with you at the moment you get married, besides your fiance who of course will be up there with you. Forget numbers. Numbers are just numbers. People are important. Choose wisely.

trix1223 · January 2011

First things first: you have a fiance. You're the fiancee in the relationship. (Congrats on that)

Second, if your wedding is 17 months away, may I suggest waiting until about next October to ask anyone? Why? Read this board. Find the gazillion posts from people who asked 17 months ahead and now want to know how to kick their bff out of the WP because the relationship has changed. They now regret asking too early.

There are scores of such posts on this board and on the WP board. Funny thing though: there's never, ever, ever been a post, at least in my memory of someone who regrets waiting to ask.

So waiting might just clear this conundrum up for you. There's nothing to be lost by waiting. There's potentially lots to be lost by asking now.

Second: what exactly would be wrong with you having two people stand by you and your FI have one stand by him? I assure you, you'll still be legally wed. Your ceremony will still be beautiful, and you'll be honored by having two of your favorite people stand with you.

Next October, if you still want both women, ask both women. Don't exclude someone because of symmetry. That's just silly, isn't it? If you decide to ask both, I can promise you that you'll regret asking only one for the sake of a random number.

Oh-and choosing a name out of a hat? Just no. No. That's a cop out. If you do decide (even though it's silly) to ask just one, decide which one you ask, and ask. Don't make it a game of chance. That would offend me.

It may not be the message you want to send, but here's what I'd take away from it: I like you. Kind of. Sort of. But not enough to have two people stand next to me. So you're both expendable. Let's see who wins this amazing "honor".

leah1195 · January 2011

I mentioned I would be drawing a name, so it wouldn't come across as picking one over the other. I felt perhaps in that regard it would at least be more fair.

And I agree - I certainly would not want someone to pick one out-right, either!

Thanks - maybe 2 isn't such a bad idea.... must discuss!

leah1195 · January 2011

Thanks for your honesty! Perhaps waiting is best at this point.

I guess I am just so happy to share this with them.

Thanks.

trix1223 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choose-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef4bfc08-f73f-4820-9220-2a90b33ff243Post:6d1a3184-264b-4b27-bfdb-e0ba916b78e9">Re: How to Choose my MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]I mentioned I would be drawing a name, so it wouldn't come across as picking one over the other. I felt perhaps in that regard it would at least be more fair. And I agree - I certainly would not want someone to pick one out-right, either! Thanks - maybe 2 isn't such a bad idea.... must discuss!
Posted by leah1195[/QUOTE]

I know you mentioned drawing a name. But you're still choosing one over the other. Just doing it very passive-aggressively. And that's not the message you want to send. sorry.

AutumnFair · January 2011

You do realize that not having a WP is an option too (besides your son). Personally, I would never just choose 1 person if I had a close group of friends and family. If you want have your friends and sisters as BM then do it. Uneven WP is fine, if you want 5 people and your FI just wants 1, then that is great because no one should dictate one anothers side and no one should be leftout because of wanting to stick with a certain number. Just sit on the idea of having both your friends and your sisters in the WP for a while I'm sure you will come to realize that them being next to you is more important then trying to choose between them all and having the other feel hurt.

Simply Fated · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choose-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef4bfc08-f73f-4820-9220-2a90b33ff243Post:6d1a3184-264b-4b27-bfdb-e0ba916b78e9">Re: How to Choose my MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]I mentioned I would be drawing a name, so it wouldn't come across as picking one over the other. I felt perhaps in that regard it would at least be more fair. And I agree - I certainly would not want someone to pick one out-right, either! Thanks - maybe 2 isn't such a bad idea.... must discuss!
Posted by leah1195[/QUOTE]
Picking out of a hat isn't fair, it's upsetting. Would you want to be a MOH based on pure luck of the draw? I would want to be chosen because of who I am, not which piece of paper happens to be closest to your hand, ya know? Would you want to be chosen for that reason? Of course not lol!

2 really isn't a bad idea and could be tons of fun. Give it time and think it over. :)

leah1195 · January 2011

Thank you! It makes a lot of sense to wait! I guess during our cocktail night we'll just talk details and ideas! They are just as excited - I am very lucky!

leah1195 · January 2011

You make a good point - I guess I never looked at it that way. I am def. going to sit on this one for a bit!

courtney1188 · January 2011

I agree with the people telling you to wait before you make the decision, you never know if your relationships with them will change so that you feel one should be MOH.

But please don't draw names! The little speech you have planned out before doing it just reminds me of when someone gets eliminated on a reality show. Seriously, I have Top Chef going in my head right now. "You're both excellent, but there can only be one top chef..." haha

leah1195 · January 2011

LOL, oh lord, the imagery! Yeah, cannot do that! You are the weakest link - GOODBYE!

trix1223 · January 2011

leah: you are a breath of fresh air around here. I hope you'll stick around.

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