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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve
Some background: I am Catholic, and my groom is not. Nevertheless, knowing that a Catholic ceremony is important to me, he agreed to it. I always knew that one of this groomsmen would be a girl who is a good friend of his. I never once imagined this would be a big deal, as my sister also had a Catholic wedding, and her husband had a woman stand up with him. Well, apparently my church (or maybe my diocese, it was unclear to me) has a rule that wedding parties must be male on the groom's side and female on the bride's side, and there must be equal numbers. I have never heard this gender rule, despite having been to many Catholic weddings and having been raised Catholic. My mom was surprised as well.
Understandably, my groom was upset by this. What I didn't know is that he had already asked his gal pal to be his best man! The wedding coordinator at the church was pretty firm on the rule when he asked about it, saying that there was a great deal of symbolism involved, and that his friend would have to stand with me.
Personally, I think this is a stupid rule, but I can't see them bending on it. For the 40 or so minutes during the ceremony, she'll stand with my bridesmaids, and we'll have to come up with an additional groomsman. However, where we don't currently agree is how she should be styled. My initial plan (when she was going to be on his side) was to put her in a bridesmaid's dress in the same color as the suits, with a wrist corsage to match the men's boutonnieres. Now, however, I don't want her to stand out with a different color or dress, because I think it will be distracting (and maybe even make her look like the maid of honor). I think the best idea is to dress her like a bridesmaid, bouquet and all. My groom, however, is very against that idea. He doesn't want her to look like a bridesmaid because she is there for him.
(If you're getting the idea that my groom is opinionated and has a definite wedding "vision", you'd be right. Heaven help me.)
Has anyone ever encountered this strange situation before? I guess I'm looking for ideas to compromise with, so that he can feel like she's really a groomsman, and I can feel like she's not distracting from the bridesmaids. We have lots of time (wedding date isn't until October 2014), but I want to start gathering ideas now.
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Re: The Best Man is a lady, and the Church does not approve
June 2012 Bride!
I can *almost* see why the gender thing might make a difference (only because the bride normally has "maids" and the groom "men"... although I'm in no way saying I think that should be a rule, and I'm a pretty traditional Catholic).
But I don't get the even sides thing at all. That is so weird, and I can't see any possible religious or traditional reason for it. It's weird that you have to find some random person to stand on the groom's side just to make it even. I would ask for more clarification from the coordinator, or talk to the priest. That's just weird.
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When I was a member of my Catholic church, there were a few sacrament preparation people who liked to tweak the rules to suit their own personal preferences. Maybe that's what's happening with your wedding coordinator.
I would make an appointment with the pastor or one of the priests to get clarification. If the priest says that's the way it is, then have her stand on your side and let her dress as you originally planned. It won't ruin the look of your wedding.
I think this may be either the wedding coordinator putting her opinions on weddings (especially the even sides part) or the pastor's personal preference he puts on his parish. If she must stand on your side, put her in the same outfit you had planned for her - the black dress with wrist corsage. Also, don't promote a GM, just have one of the GM stand up with FI during the vows. His best woman, stays the best woman. If she wants to give a speech at the reception, let her.
[QUOTE]I agree that you need to talk to the PRIEST, and if he confirms that this is an unmovable rule, I'd first ask for a biblical explanation and then I'd find a new church. Crap like this is what gives the Catholic Church a bad rep.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Oh heavens, stage, I think this is, like the third time i've agreed with you today. <div>
</div><div>OP, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. I'd bypass the coordinator and ask for an explanation from the priest. A real explanation, not just "it's tradition." Dowries are also tradition and i'm assuming you won't be doing that. </div><div>
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[QUOTE]Yes, ask the priest. From a minister's wife....The Church Ladies have a habit of taking things upon themselves and pointing where (they think) things go with no other authority than their own.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Exactly and don't leave out the Chuch Men. There were quite a few in my former church, who made life miserable for those of us who questioned their way of doing things.
Also in all of the Catholic weddings I have been to the bridesmaids and groomsmen do not stand up front the whole wedding. They are usually are seated in the first row of pews or in our case in chairs just in front of the altar rail. The MOH and BM are usually the only ones up there the whole time and have kneelers off to each each while the bride and groom often have a joint kneeler in the middle. I think you are fine having the groomswoman wear whatever you want if your church forces her to sit/stand on your side. I don't think she has to match the other bridesmaids. Also you can have your wedding party pose for pictures before or after the ceremony however you want so definitely have her on the grooms side then.
A friend of mine had a similar situation, but the opposition was mostly from opinionated family members who strongly valued "tradition." She ended up having the "Best woMan" stand on the Bride's side, but she wore a tux and stood after the MOH. You may find that some involved parties would be okay with this in your situation, or might allow her to stand with the men as long as she wears a matching suit instead of a dress.
Good Luck!
I think it may be your priest or parish with the issue, not the Church.
I'd seriously switch churches or venues if this truly is a rule. I would not get married in a place that dictated how I had to choose MY wedding party and MY attendants. But hopefully talking to the priest will get your somewhere. Good luck!
Oh, if this is the rule and you stay, I'd have her stand on your side, next to the MOH but not nex t you, wearing what you originally intended her to wear. I don't think it's distracting- I mean some people hae the MOH wear something different right? The only tricky thing is evening the sides. I mean, you can't just ask a guy to stand up there for the sake of evening sides. Unless she's the only person you've asked, then you can figure it out and just have 1 extra on his side after the ceremony, which isn't a big deal at all IMO. Or do you have a special guy friend that could stand on his side and then they could swap places afterwards?
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!