venue debate w/ fiance (and a bit of deja vu)

clg1213 · April 2013

How did your resolve a disagreement on venue with your fiance?

He prefers a hotel site in the small city's downtown area. He says it gives guests the option of going out the day before or later the day of the wedding (likely brunch). He also said it feels less "one and done" since we'd get a ton of hotel "points" we could use for the honeymoon or other getaways and that they offer a free stay on your 1y anniversary including dinner and breakfast.

I prefer an Inn option. I like that it is unique and very personal vs. a typical hotel ballroom. It needs zero decoration, includes cake, and the onsite florist and beauty staff are strong (plus I don't have to find and coordinate more vendors from 2h away). I like that it offers a more private feel (vs a hotel w/ other active events). The guest rooms are lovely and unique (and about the same price as the hotel). There are lots of little touches that I think make for a special (and EASY..) day.

Truth, and I did tell him this, I was married before and at a hotel ballroom venue. It is a different chain and different town and MUCH better boy, but it felt too familiar and I want this to feel distinct (to which he said something along the lines of "it's not my fault"). I also imagine some of my guests having the same reaction.

Any advice on communicating this better?? He has NOT been married before. At one point he's said he'd be all for eloping etc but now wants a more traditional day. I'm fine doing that and happy to be his bride (though it means we need to pay for a lot since I can't ask my family again but my mom offered some help). Neither of us dislikes the "other's site" but this deja vu factor is one I can't seem to make him understand!

C

harper0813 · April 2013

Tell him you want this wedding to be unique from our last wedding. You can keep tradition alive at the inn venue.

Have you visited the venues together? When FI and I did, we made a physical pros and cons lists for all of our venues, and it really helped us make our decision.

melb2013 · April 2013

What does he say when you tell him the hotel feels too much like your first wedding? I think that's a totally legitimate reason.

Which works into your budget better? For us that was the main sticking point.

clg1213 · April 2013

Thanks for the fast replies. We did visit the sites this past w/e. They are pretty comparable in price but the hotel does offer a few bonuses in terms of "points" and the free anniversary stay (both are on his "pros" list). He refers to those as making it less "one and done" and making the money go beyond the day. I did email the Inn contact to float FI's statements and ask if they could do a free or discounted anniversary stay since there is no real equivalent on the "points" side at a non-chain.

I tried to bring up the fact that it felt too similar to my first and his initial reply was basically "that's not my fault" (not the precise words, but close). He's usually more considerate than that. I know he doesn't love hearing mention of the first marriage, but it is a reality. I haven't let him see them, but there have been a few tears...which I know are totally normal for a 2nd timer since the dream didn't work before. I KNOW I have a better match and love him dearly, but FI just can't relate to some of this...he had one 4y relationship w/ a broken engagement but it was longer ago, I was with the Ex for 8y total and met FI about six months after the marriage ended (emotionally, at least...legally obv took a bit).

We have not made an on-paper list of Pros and Cons....that's definitely worth doing if we stay at an impasse. We did JUST see the places but I'd love to pull off an October date and that mean nailing things down ASAP (the next option would be April '14 if we can't manage Oct).

melb2013 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_venue-debate-w-fiance-and-a-bit-of-deja-vu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:5eb65f59-bfd4-45c6-a5ef-82a528f9c120Post:d8daf910-2834-4bab-b3e7-b83b4ad22e60">Re: venue debate w/ fiance (and a bit of deja vu)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the fast replies. We did visit the sites this past w/e. They are pretty comparable in price but the hotel does offer a few bonuses in terms of "points" and the free anniversary stay (both are on his "pros" list). He refers to those as making it less "one and done" and making the money go beyond the day. I did email the Inn contact to float FI's statements and ask if they could do a free or discounted anniversary stay since there is no real equivalent on the "points" side at a non-chain. I tried to bring up the fact that it felt too similar to my first and his initial reply was basically "that's not my fault" (not the precise words, but close). He's usually more considerate than that. I know he doesn't love hearing mention of the first marriage, but it is a reality. I haven't let him see them, but there have been a few tears...which I know are totally normal for a 2nd timer since the dream didn't work before. I KNOW I have a better match and love him dearly, but FI just can't relate to some of this...he had one 4y relationship w/ a broken engagement but it was longer ago, I was with the Ex for 8y total and met FI about six months after the marriage ended (emotionally, at least...legally obv took a bit). We have not made an on-paper list of Pros and Cons....that's definitely worth doing if we stay at an impasse. We did JUST see the places but I'd love to pull off an October date and that mean nailing things down ASAP (the next option would be April '14 if we can't manage Oct).
Posted by clg1213[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Pros and Cons might work, but I think the con of "it reminds me of my first marriage" should out weight any pros. You just need to do your best to make him understand your feelings. Let him see your tears. He's going to be your husband and he should know exactly how you feel.

</div>

fallbride1109 · April 2013

What about finding a third option you can both agree on? If one of you will be unhappy with either of these options, maybe go in a different direction.

harper0813 · April 2013

Stephie has a great suggestion. My fianc and I had to do exactly that. I fell in love with a little gallery and he fell in love with an open industrial space. He didn't like the gallery because he found it too rough around the edges, and his space was way outside of our budget. His solution? We'll just find more money, of course! Bippity boppity boo! Haha. In the end, we decided to abandon both for our local woman's club in an old mansion near the lake which had a ton of amazing amenities, plus the guys' getting ready room has a GIANT TV. Are you both open to looking for other venues so that you both can win?

clg1213 · April 2013

He says he does like the Inn, he just likes the hotel more (largely b/c of the freakin' "points"....). Looking more is a bit tough since it's a 2+hour ride and I've got physical issues, but it is a worthwhile suggestion since it does keep it from seeming like someone "wins" the debate. I don't want either of us feeling like we "lost" the venue discussion. I'll mention going to look again if it seems like we're at an impasse on these sites.

Thanks all.

QueerFemme · April 2013

Honestly, picking a venue because you are getting a short stay a year from now is sort of ridiculous, in my opinion. I would put the numbers on a spreadsheet and see if you can
talk to the inn and see if you can get it to be about $400-500 cheaper than the hotel. Because realistically, that's probably the total amount you'll be saving by getting a free hotel stay.

venue debate w/ fiance (and a bit of deja vu)

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