the "B" list

cmperry17 · March 2013

We have to have a "B" list as my FI has a insane amount of cousin's. How do you deal with "save the date's"?

Also, crazy Aunt who probably won't come if both her adult children (over 30 yrs old)aren't both invited yet, my FI is only close to one. what to do??

I need help!!

SlothGoals · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:7fea52b7-3059-4ecc-aaff-b1ffd51963ea">the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]We have to have a "B" list as my FI has a insane amount of cousin's. How do you deal with "save the date's"? Also, crazy Aunt who probably won't come if both her adult children (over 30 yrs old)aren't both invited yet, my FI is only close to one. what to do?? I need help!!
Posted by cmperry17[/QUOTE]

<div>Well for starters you don't do a B list. It's rude. You adjust your budget and expectations so that you can host everyone you want, properly, all at one time. Have an afternoon ceremony/reception with cake and punch. That is cheaper than a night time sit-down reception.
</div><div>
</div><div>Anyone you send an STD to you have to send an invitation to. So I would only send STDs to your VIP guests who you aren't going to rudely B list.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Your wedding is in 2015!? This is way too early to be thinking about B lists. You have more than enough time to figure out how to host all your guests properly.</div>

AddieCake · March 2013

Ditto Kristbot. How would you like to be invited to a party only if the host's first choice friends couldn't make it? As for the aunt, I guess your fiance will need to decide how badly he wants her there if she won't come unless both her children are invited. If he wants her there, I guess they get invited.

emeejeeayen · March 2013

I agree with all of the above that b-lists are rude.

HOWEVER, everyone invited to the wedding does not need a save the date (but everyone who gets a save the date needs an invitation), so I would recommend sending out save the dates only to the people you KNOW you'll want to invite in case finances get cut, etc. The timeline for that is typically 6-9 months out (personally, I think up to 12 months out, depending on how far guests are traveling, etc.).

All of that said, there is nothing wrong with you currently ranking your guest list within the planning phase to see who doesn't make the cut. I would do it as "must have," "would like to have," and "eh, feel obligated to invite." It may help you realize how you can cut the list down. Otherwise, try to have a cake and punch wedding at a non-meal time if you're unwilling to cut the list down.

MoonlightSilver · March 2013

Decide which cousins you want to be there, how many people you can afford, and make one invitation list.

Send Save the Dates to people you are only 100% sure you want to attend. That way if your budget changes between now and when invites go out, you can change your ONE invite list without uninviting people. Everyone who gets a Save the Date MUST receive an invitation.

Ignore threats of family members to not show up. Call their bluff. If they choose not to show, that looks bad on them.

aurianna · March 2013

Do you even talk to most of these cousins? If you're assuming you'll get enough declines to even merit having a B list, how about cut it off right at the head and don't invite the cousins that you aren't close to and assume won't come.

Your friends and family will totally understand if they can not be invited at all due to familial obgliations. However they won't understand if they're being invited as second class citizens because people you actually wanted to come first, decline.

Have one list and stick to it.

STDs are not required (we didn't use them). Save money there.
If you watn STDs, only send them to VIPs (aka the people you actually want there, vs the cousins you seem to not care about)

Summer2011Bride · March 2013

You don't do a B list. B list problem solved.

Decide how many you can afford to invite and how many your venue will hold. Then make a guest list of only that number or smaller. Invite those people. Call it a day. Not every single cousin has to be invited. OR if he insists they are all invited, then you will have to cut other people from the guest list.

kerbohl · March 2013

I think when people say "B" list, it is when you are in the early stages of planning a wedding, and you have your "A" list (people that have to be there) and your "B" list (people you really want there but don't know if the larger guest list will fit into the budget). At least that was how I was approaching it, and my "B" list is actually people that I will be inviting but I think won't be able to make it due to distance or prior engagements. They'll get an invite (I'm not doing these "Save the Dates"), but unfortunately I don't think that my many broke friends who live 3000 miles away can afford to come. Such is life.
Regardless, don't do save the dates until you have finalized your guest list into one solid list. See if you can afford to have them there, and if you can't, unfortunately the guest list is the place to cut to save the most money.

Viczaesar · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:274e99b9-9ddf-47c4-bf41-b91a28424a23">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]I think when people say "B" list, it is when you are in the early stages of planning a wedding, and you have your "A" list (people that have to be there) and your "B" list (people you really want there but don't know if the larger guest list will fit into the budget). At least that was how I was approaching it, and my "B" list is actually people that I will be inviting but I think won't be able to make it due to distance or prior engagements. They'll get an invite (I'm not doing these "Save the Dates"), but unfortunately I don't think that my many broke friends who live 3000 miles away can afford to come. Such is life. Regardless, don't do save the dates until you have finalized your guest list into one solid list. See if you can afford to have them there, and if you can't, unfortunately the guest list is the place to cut to save the most money.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]
You should be prepared for 100% attendance. Don't invite more than you can afford and have space to host.

LizM61409 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:274e99b9-9ddf-47c4-bf41-b91a28424a23">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]I think when people say "B" list, it is when you are in the early stages of planning a wedding, and you have your "A" list (people that have to be there) and your "B" list (people you really want there but don't know if the larger guest list will fit into the budget). At least that was how I was approaching it, and my "B" list is actually people that I will be inviting but I think won't be able to make it due to distance or prior engagements. They'll get an invite (I'm not doing these "Save the Dates"), but unfortunately I don't think that my many broke friends who live 3000 miles away can afford to come. Such is life. Regardless, don't do save the dates until you have finalized your guest list into one solid list. See if you can afford to have them there, and if you can't, unfortunately the guest list is the place to cut to save the most money.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I sort of have a B list at this point (16 months out) but that's because there's some folks in the "I'd like to invite but not required to" category and we have a set budget but haven't made a lot of the major purchases yet (dress, DJ, flowers, etc) so if I get those things cheaper than expected and have room in the budget for more people, those people will be inviited. I'd expect almost all of the expensive things will be decided on by the 6-9 month mark so they'll all get save the dates. I do not plan on sending out additional invites when I start getting declines</div><div>
</div>

SlothGoals · March 2013

In Response to Re:the :[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list:I think when people say "B" list, it is when you are in the early stages of planning a wedding, and you have your "A" list people that have to be there and your "B" list people you really want there but don't know if the larger guest list will fit into the budget.nbsp; At least that was how I was approaching it, and my "B" list is actually people that I will be inviting but I think won't be able to make it due to distance or prior engagements.nbsp; They'll get an invite I'm not doing these "Save the Dates", but unfortunately I don't think that my many broke friends who live 3000 miles away can afford to come.nbsp; Such is life. Regardless, don't do save the dates until you have finalized your guest list into one solid list.nbsp; See if you can afford to have them there, and if you can't, unfortunately the guest list is the place to cut to save the most money. nbsp; nbsp;nbsp;Posted by kerbohlI sort of have a B list at this point 16 months out but that's because there's some folks in the "I'd like to invite but not required to" category and we have a set budget but haven't made a lot of the major purchases yet dress, DJ, flowers, etc so if I get those things cheaper than expected and have room in the budget for more people, those people will be inviited. I'd expect almost all of the expensive things will be decided on by the 69 month mark so they'll all get save the dates. I do not plan on sending out additional invites when I start getting declines Posted by LizM61409[/QUOTE]

Don't send STDs to people if there's even a remote chance you won't be able to invite them.

MuppetFan · April 2013

Prioritize your guest list. Write the names out in excel and decide who you couldn't do without.

(If Aunt is super important to you to be there, make a value judgement to include her kids....or chance her not being there.)

Take the list of your "must haves" and get a handle on your budget and plan accordingly.

If you find you can afford to accomodate more or you choose to make different choices or sacrifices along the way, add more people to the guest list from your list....or change the nature of your reception or change your venue so that you can afford more.

You might consider looking in NH even for lower prices

kerbohl · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:3c183a31-1258-483a-8747-6d378ae33930">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : You should be prepared for 100% attendance. Don't invite more than you can afford and have space to host.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

You misunderstand - I can afford them, but I know that they probably won't come, with it being a winter wedding and all. I just have a budget excel sheet for what I will spend with 100% attendance and what I will spend if these people who inevitably can't make it won't come. I'm not a crazy person - I'm not going in debt over my wedding by inviting people I can't afford!

emopny · April 2013

People should be SO happy to see your special day that they are stupid to feel second rate! Do what you want!

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:42c34dc0-7514-4b6e-b55e-db2177f7142a">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : You misunderstand - I can afford them, but I know that they probably won't come, with it being a winter wedding and all. I just have a budget excel sheet for what I will spend with 100% attendance and what I will spend if these people who inevitably can't make it won't come. I'm not a crazy person - I'm not going in debt over my wedding by inviting people I can't afford!
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

Then your post makes no sense. Invite everyone. Assume everyone is coming. When people RSVP "NO" in 2 years, then do not include them in your final count.

courtski2004 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:42c34dc0-7514-4b6e-b55e-db2177f7142a">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : You misunderstand - I can afford them, but <strong>I know that they probably won't come, with it being a winter wedding and all</strong>. I just have a budget excel sheet for what I will spend with 100% attendance and what I will spend if these people who inevitably can't make it won't come. I'm not a crazy person - I'm not going in debt over my wedding by inviting people I can't afford!
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

Huh? What on earth does the season have to do with it? Are they avid travellers during all other seasons but refuse to take trips in the wintertime?

Trust me, you will likely be surprised by who RSVP's yes--my mom's cousins who I hadn't ever met attended my wedding, and I completely expected them to send their regrets. Had I over-invited gambling that they wouldn't come, I would have been effed. I had things go both ways when I sent save the dates--people who said that they would absolutely be coming who didn't, and those who said they wouldn't be able to make it who still got an invite and had plans change over those 5 months and were suddenly able to attend. 'B' list guests usually are able to figure out that they were b-listed, and even if they don't outwardly say anything to you, it is offensive. You have 2 years. Save up between now and then so you can avoid the B list and offending your friends.

kerbohl · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:995b2a26-8f8c-47bb-a1fa-92f8984820f9">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : Huh?<strong> What on earth does the season have to do with it? Are they avid travellers during all other seasons but refuse to take trips in the wintertime?</strong> Trust me, you will likely be surprised by who RSVP's yes--my mom's cousins who I hadn't ever met attended my wedding, and I completely expected them to send their regrets. Had I over-invited gambling that they wouldn't come, I would have been effed. I had things go both ways when I sent save the dates--people who said that they would absolutely be coming who didn't, and those who said they wouldn't be able to make it who still got an invite and had plans change over those 5 months and were suddenly able to attend. 'B' list guests usually are able to figure out that they were b-listed, and even if they don't outwardly say anything to you, it is offensive. You have 2 years. Save up between now and then so you can avoid the B list and offending your friends.
Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]

My dear, you are not from Canada. Wintertime travel can be fine, but get a blizzard on the right day and no one leaves (or should leave) their house. I don't want people to travel to my wedding if its at potential risk to them, if I get such a storm on the day. Hence my comment on people not coming to a winter wedding.

I personally like to be prepared for all outcomes, hence I have this "b" list. That's all it is.

courtski2004 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:696771c9-ee22-4a1a-b9b3-7de80b8027e9">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : My dear, you are not from Canada. Wintertime travel can be fine, but get a blizzard on the right day and no one leaves (or should leave) their house. I don't want people to travel to my wedding if its at potential risk to them, if I get such a storm on the day. Hence my comment on people not coming to a winter wedding. I personally like to be prepared for all outcomes, hence I have this "b" list. That's all it is.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

Yep, you're right. I'm not from Canada, I'm originally from Maine, 30 minutes away, and happen to now live in Texas. I wouldn't RSVP 'no' to an event solely because of what might happen on that day with regard to weather. To me, that is a day-of decision that is made, hence my confusion.

Thanks for assuming that I don't know how winter works though.

kerbohl · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7cef75a-ba4a-4686-9aaa-eb13b4e77292Post:1f7c1357-8df7-4310-9c3c-edcc529216d5">Re: the "B" list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: the "B" list : Yep, you're right. I'm not from Canada, I'm originally from Maine, 30 minutes away, and happen to now live in Texas. I wouldn't RSVP 'no' to an event solely because of what might happen on that day with regard to weather. To me, that is a day-of decision that is made, hence my confusion. <strong>Thanks for assuming that I don't know how winter works though</strong>.
Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]

I assumed you didn't know how Canadian winters work, not winter in general. But my apologies for the assumption regardless.

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