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How to Deal with Family Pressure

Neverthebride111Neverthebride111
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in Not Engaged Yet
Hi! I've been lurking for awhile now and I have been jonesing for your advice.
Quick Background: My BF and I are both 22. We both live with our respective parents. He is in school and I am trying to get enough work/money to move out. We have been together 5 1/2 years. We have discussed marriage and think it might be nice to get married sometime in the distant future but we don't want to go there until we have decided what careers we are gonna have, where we want to live and other stuff that we don't have worked out right now.

The question: How do we respond family pressure to get married (and then have kids) soon? My family doesn't care but his family asks me everytime they see me, how things are going, are we making wedding plans, how soon we plan to have kids. I try the "bean dip" move but then they corner him and ask him why I am so evasive. When I smile and say we don't plan on getting married anytime soon because we still live with our parents, they keep pushing. I love that they take our relationship seriously and want me in their family but  I've started ducking them so I don't have to hear it about it. My bf talked to them about not bringing it up but they steamroll right over the top of him.
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Re: How to Deal with Family Pressure

  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I got a lot of pressure from my ex's family. I would be a jerk and tell them whenever they paid for it wedding,kid,etc I was in high school and had no intentions of getting married before I was out of college lol so I was like why are you so crazy?! Before fi and I were engaged, the families would ask occasionally and I just said we would marry after fi asked. Or I would say never. I'm not nice when you want me to fit a "mold" of what you want a woman to be. I'm myself and that's good enough lol By advice is to keep on keeping on. Try to focus your efforts on achieving your goals professionally or personally and don't let the family bother you. They are technically excited for you even though they're being majorly annoying : Oh and stick around. Cause it's fun around here!
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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  • ShiroyashaShiroyasha member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    My BF's family does that almost every time we see them at a family get together.  I thought it was sweet they thought we were that good for each other so early on, but a year later and I was getting sick of hearing it. Especially since marriage was a touchy subject for us for a while.  I got tired of bean dipping everyone and BF got tired of how awkward it was and we just told them we hadn't been dating long enough to even think about marriage.

    Now my coworkers are starting to ask me all the time and my standard response is "We'll get married when we're ready to get married.  Not when everyone else wants us to." 

    For me, there was no super polite way to tell people to get off my case about marriage because when I was being polite, they just kept nagging.  

    And like Blue said, hang around for a while.  These ladies are lots of fun!
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I get a lot of pressure from my family to get married. Usually just changing the subject works for me. With my mom I had to be very direct and just hey this isn't happening on your timeline, it's happening our timeline. But you probably shouldn't do that with his parents.

    Honestly, if it's really bad. Ask him to tell them to back off. It's his family he should be the one who has to deal with them.


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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    People suck. It's none if their business and it's so annoying when people ask me about it. They ALWAYS assume it's his fault, too, which isn't fair because it's not.
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-family-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ebe8750f-6327-4099-be5e-86d5d4609a5dPost:291ed982-fcbc-4528-9fc5-34093d817f2c">Re: How to Deal with Family Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get a lot of pressure from my family to get married. Usually just changing the subject works for me. With my mom I had to be very direct and just hey this isn't happening on your timeline, it's happening our timeline. But you probably shouldn't do that with his parents. <strong>Honestly, if it's really bad. Ask him to tell them to back off. It's his family he should be the one who has to deal with them.</strong>
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
    THIS!<div>
    </div><div>You can be really mean and say things like "every time you ask, you set us back 6 months"  or" after the baby."  Or you can just smile and say "when he asks me" or something meaningless.  It's not easy but know that they just want the best for you. </div>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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  • Neverthebride111Neverthebride111
    10 Comments
    Thanks you guys!

    I will try all your suggestions.
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  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    I second Beth's suggestion if its really bad.

    My FI and I dated for 9+ years before we got engaged, so I understand the pressure issues. If possible, use humor- my go to answer were "every time some one asks when we're getting married we'll delay it 6 more months" or "If you're willing to pay for (wedding, house, X), we'll do it!"





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  • Knottie_22902877Knottie_22902877
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-family-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ebe8750f-6327-4099-be5e-86d5d4609a5dPost:baf22bf1-6ff9-4515-9fce-a6ddf68a7be7">Re: How to Deal with Family Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]I second Beth's suggestion if its really bad. My FI and I dated for 9+ years before we got engaged, so I understand the pressure issues. If possible, use humor- my go to answer were<strong> "every time some one asks when we're getting married we'll delay it 6 more months"</strong> or "If you're willing to pay for (wedding, house, X), we'll do it!"
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is BF's favorite line. I personally prefer to go with, "We haven't even had a chance to worry about THAT, what with school and work and whatnot," followed by a sympathetic "gosh, how unfortunate that you don't think of these things" look.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I feel your pain. It's especially hard when it's his family and you can't be as assertive as you might with your own. Maybe he could talk to them again about it? Otherwise, any of the answers above along with a case-closed smile would do.</div>
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