Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Update on rude cousin's rsvp note on not inviting kids

Sharpschruter22Sharpschruter22 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A few days ago I wrote to you all regarding FI's cousin who wrote me a snarky note because her children were not invited to our wedding. You can read the original thread here....


After FI called her out on her behavior, she sent me an apology this evening. 

Hi Sharpie! After talking with (FI), it seems that you and I have both had our feelings hurt. We had been planning and excited to all come to the wedding and were disappointed to find out the children weren't invited. So I am sorry about the wording of my RSVP note. We are truly excited to see (FI) so happy. We pray that your wedding day will be relaxed, memorable and fun, and that you and (FI) will enjoy many wonderful years together! My Husband and I look forward to getting to know you.


I am working on a reply and need feedback on if I am being too harsh. I know that I am and so I am getting it out of my system by posting to you ladies, but I would also like some help on other wording alternatives without being so snarky. This is what I have so far...

Hi Cousin,

I apologize that you were offended that your children were not initially invited to our wedding and I appreciate your apology. I went to great lengths to explain to my family and friends why children were not included and I am sorry that obviously those reasons were not conveyed to you properly. As one who often goes to formal events in which children are not included, I was confused by your reaction and wish you would have come to me for an explanation instead of writing a passive aggressive note which felt as though you meant to hurt me. It did not feel like a very nice welcome to your family.

I have 116 relatives. I grew up in the town I currently live and if we had our wedding in my hometown, there would be well over 300 people there. FI and I both want an intimate wedding with only our closest friends and family in attendance and so we chose a venue far away from my hometown that allowed for just that. If we were to include the children of our close friends and family, we would not have been able to invite any of our close friends and we decided that would not be an acceptable solution. As it stands, because of how large my family is, we still were not able to invite all the friends that we want to be there. I'm sorry if you felt singled out, but no one's children were invited to our wedding purely because there is not enough room. 

I was very much looking forward to meeting you and your husband as well as your mother and sister and am disappointed that you have let your feelings over this dictate your inability to attend. 

I haven't come up with a closing yet. Also, FI told her that enough declined that we would be willing to make room for her 3 children if she changes her mind on declining. She still declined. 


ETA: Name deletion
image
Report Reply to Post

Re: Update on rude cousin's rsvp note on not inviting kids

  • Options
    OneLuckyNurseOneLuckyNurse member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Personally I think a short simple response would be the best in mending fences and avoiding unintentional snarkiness. Maybe a simple "I"m sorry for the misunderstanding and I appreciate your note. I too hope to get to know you better. Sincerely XXXXXX" Even though you were hurt by her note, maybe it would be more important at this point to just leave it be? You never know what she may get offended at in your return note  (even if you try to be nice) and then you have a never ending cycle or an awkward simmering anger with a family member. 

    Hope things work out well for you!

     

    Visit The Knot!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

     

    Report Reply
  • Options
    Sharpschruter22Sharpschruter22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_update-on-rude-cousins-rsvp-note-on-not-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18ae49d9-11e0-4620-ba11-ec1215c8af8dPost:548b6a34-83ae-49f2-b5ef-3f5f13c53824">Re: Update on rude cousin's rsvp note on not inviting kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]To be honest, after about the first sentence, your reply sounds a bit hostile and defensive. She acknowledged that she hurt your feelings and apologized for her catty note. I don't think you need to re-hash that your feelings were hurt or that she was rude again. Also, you don't owe her an explanation of your guest list at all.  I wouldn't go into that at all. Just say something short and sweet and lay the matter to rest. "Dear Future-Cousin-in-law, Thank you for your apology. I look forward to getting to know you at future family events and being part of FI's family. -Sharpie"
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>That's good. I like that. That way I am not acknowledging that her feelings were hurt  since FI has already explained everything and I would not be giving her any ammunition to come back at me.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks, ladies! I just needed to cool off some and I knew you would talk me off of it!</div>
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    moonraffemoonraffe member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    [QUOTE]Personally I think a short simple response would be the best in mending fences and avoiding unintentional snarkiness. Maybe a simple "I"m sorry for the misunderstanding and I appreciate your note. I too hope to get to know you better. Sincerely XXXXXX" Even though you were hurt by her note, maybe it would be more important at this point to just leave it be? You never know what she may get offended at in your return note  (even if you try to be nice) and then you have a never ending cycle or an awkward simmering anger with a family member.  Hope things work out well for you!
    Posted by OneLuckyNurse[/QUOTE]



    THIS. Reply with no more than 3 sentences. Don't explain things, don't call her passive aggressive. Just let it go and don't stir the pot more.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    i agree she did something rude and owned up to it i dont think she needs more reprimanding.  I know its hard not to get involved but it might benefit you to leave it be.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Ella and PedroElla and Pedro member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    The less you say, the less can be misconstrued.

    "Dear x,

    Thank you for your recent message. I too am sorry for any misunderstandings and
    look forward to getting to know you and your family. 

    Sincerely,

    z"
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I agree with all PP - shorter always seems to be better when it comes to apologies.  Good luck!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    nextrightthingnextrightthing member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Yeah I agree with PP.  Don't write a long response.  I don't know that I'd even respond, personally.  This whole passing notes thing is a little ridic, imo.  And why is the note addressed to you when her behavior was equally offensive to you and your FI? 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    zantsterzantster member
    First Comment First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Pick between the options given to you by OneLuckyNurse and KindaSparkly.  They are both short and sweet and perfect.
    weddingcountdown.com
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Ditto PP's. You're still miffed, and that's fine, but no need to rehash. Keep it short and sweet, don't feel the need to explain any more.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TKzillaTKzilla member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I hope giving US the "snarky" note made you feel a little better, like venting. But I think the less you say on the matter, the better. Best of luck!
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment

    There are no questions in this note. I don' see a reason to respond. No need to stress over this, she made peace and you can just accept it.

    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    Jessa617 Jessa617 member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I have to second Muppet. If you send a note, she might feel compelled to send another note. I'd just wait to see her at the wedding "Hi cousin! It's so nice to finally meet you". I don't think it's necessary to bring it up again. The misunderstandings have been cleared up.
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Yeah 90% of that note will come back to bite you.  It's good that you've written it though, because it gets your feelings onto paper and out of your system.

    Edit it down to what was suggested above, and enjoy the fact that it's going to twist her titays something aweful that you aren't engaging her, or arming her with more ammunition. 


    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

    Report Reply
  • Options
    vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Hi Cousin,

    I apologize that you were offended that your children were not initially invited to our wedding and I appreciate your apology. I went to great lengths to explain to my family and friends why children were not included and I am sorry that obviously those reasons were not conveyed to you properly. As one who often goes to formal events in which children are not included, I was confused by your reaction and wish you would have come to me for an explanation instead of writing a passive aggressive note which felt as though you meant to hurt me. It did not feel like a very nice welcome to your family.

    I have 116 relatives. I grew up in the town I currently live and if we had our wedding in my hometown, there would be well over 300 people there. FI and I both want an intimate wedding with only our closest friends and family in attendance and so we chose a venue far away from my hometown that allowed for just that. If we were to include the children of our close friends and family, we would not have been able to invite any of our close friends and we decided that would not be an acceptable solution. As it stands, because of how large my family is, we still were not able to invite all the friends that we want to be there. I'm sorry if you felt singled out, but no one's children were invited to our wedding purely because there is not enough room. 

    I was very much looking forward to meeting you and your husband as well as your mother and sister and am disappointed that you have let your feelings over this dictate your inability to attend. 


    Delete the entire bolded section.  She apologized.   It comes off as you accept her apology, but you still want to prove your point. 
    ROCK IS KING!!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    winelover123winelover123 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment First Answer
    What PPs said. Short and sweet!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mandi195mandi195
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I wouldn't respond at all. Not to be snarky, but I don't think her not needs a response. She aplogized, she was kind, all is well. 
    Praying for a miracle!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    As the PPs have said, keep it short and sweet:

    Dear Cousin,
    Thank you for your response.  We accept your apology and regret that we will not be seeing you at the wedding.

    Best,
    Sharpschruter22
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Sharpschruter22Sharpschruter22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Thank you for your replies everyone! I kept it short and sweet and didn't give her any ammunition to come back at me with. I appreciate getting to get out all of my feelings here and I appreciate all of your advice!
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    CALEOCALEO member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    Wait - did I miss - where did she say they'r not coming to the wedding?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Sharpschruter22Sharpschruter22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    The last few sentences of the post, I explained that they still declined.

    The wedding is over, it has been 2 and a half months since and all is well. My MIL is pissed that neither she, nor her mother (MIL's sister) sent us a gift and thinks it is because they are still miffed about the whole thing. Meh. I washed my hands of it a long time ago.

    image
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards