No kids turning out to be more difficult.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

My FI and I have planned an adults-only destination wedding. However, I have a 16yo niece in my wedding party, and her entire family (mom, much older sis, and 15yo brother) are all invited.

My FI is now upset because my 15yo nephew will be there, but his 15yo cousin can't go. And he'll be in the same position because his mom and much older brother will be invited. Ok, so I told him we'll lower the age limit to 15yo. But now, he wants his other cousin, who's 5 to go because she'll feel left out. If we invite her then all of my cousins' children will need to be invited too. And our intimate adults-only wedding turns into a giant family wedding, which we really don't want and really can't afford.

He said we need to come up with a logical reason why the age limit is 15yo and why we are alienating our younger extended family members. Apparently, "we couldn't invite everyone we wanted so we had to draw the line somewhere." isn't good enough. Any other ideas? He's really worried that strained relationships will get worse after this, and that I should just disinvite my niece (kick her out of the wedding party) and my nephew. But I can't do that!

*Edit: Some more information came out that changes this entire scenario. But, I'll leave it up in case anyone finds themselves in a similar situation.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2013

Nieces and nephews only (not 15 years old) is a clear cut off that makes perfect sense. Nieces and nephews are closer relatives than cousins.

jennyd412 · April 2013

It is perfectly acceptable to have a niece and nephew attend and not include cousins. However, if its a destination wedding and teenagers are invited but younger siblings of those teenagers are not, that is kind of tricky...

itzMS · April 2013

The good part about the kids situation...is it doesn't need to be all or none.

Personally, I find it a bit strange that FI is whining about his two cousins feeling "left out". He needs to get over it, you've presumably decided together that you can't afford to invite children and you'd be opening a can of worms here

You are inviting the 15 y/o brother of your 16 y/o bridesmaid as it is impolite to split families.

MuppetFan · April 2013

The only problem I see with not inviting a 5 year old is that your fiance is upset about it.

Can he be a ring bearer?

Calypso1977 · April 2013

if you wanted adults only, why did you ask kids to be in your WP??

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-turning-out-to-be-more-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:533c52f5-90ad-4482-95dc-129103dbc679Post:5aaa639f-0de7-4cec-9ba0-e1a6e15be435">Re: No kids turning out to be more difficult.</a>:
[QUOTE]if you wanted adults only, why did you ask kids to be in your WP??
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Her 16 year old niece is someone close enough to her that she wants her to be part of her wedding. They made it so that under 15 aren't invited. The problem is about a 5 year old...not a young adult.

Simply Fated · April 2013

" But now, he wants his other cousin, who's 5 to go because she'll feel left out. If we invite her then all of my cousins' children will need to be invited too. " Why is he concerned this 5 year old will feel left out, but not the rest of the cousins? Like, why is he singling out this one 5 year old from the rest of the cousins?

lyndausvi · April 2013

I hate when people basically say "tough luck you already agreed". People change their minds. I would be pissed if my DH didnt let me revisit a topic. Doesn't mean it has to be changed, but a discussion should be had on why they feel this way.

Anyway. Run the numbers. Show him on paper what it means to add these extra people. You might be surprised its not as much as you think. He might say "yikes" and agree the original agreement is better.

kerbohl · April 2013

I'm going with the whole "only nephews" for my wedding, mostly because, while I love many of my cousins and second-cousins, there are far too many of them to include all of them. Putting an age limit would make things really complicated. But I'm confused as to why your FI is so fixated on this 5 year old coming as well. Would she really care? Why is he convinced that she would be left out?

FizzySips · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-turning-out-to-be-more-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:533c52f5-90ad-4482-95dc-129103dbc679Post:386e10ca-d868-4a8d-82e1-410b5e316348">Re: No kids turning out to be more difficult.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going with the whole "only nephews" for my wedding, mostly because, while I love many of my cousins and second-cousins, there are far too many of them to include all of them. Putting an age limit would make things really complicated. But I'm confused as to why your FI is so fixated on this 5 year old coming as well. Would she really care? Why is he convinced that she would be left out?
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

Yeah is the 5 year old TRULY going to be disappointed? Or will adults tell her that's it's a shame she can't come?

Pookieson · April 2013

We have a primarily adult wedding. We invited first cousins only and wedding party kids. Oh, we also invited children of any guest that was coming from a distance (a couple hours or more). I understand them not wanting to hire a babysitter. All and all, we have about 15 kids on the guest list. I think the age cutoff is strange. We have one new baby coming, the rest are around 6-10 with most of our cousins around 18. I would invite children that you are close to, you don't have to invite everyone's kids.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-turning-out-to-be-more-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:533c52f5-90ad-4482-95dc-129103dbc679Post:2e4a2b6a-b5ac-4c08-844a-3f1e5b7aefcf">Re:No kids turning out to be more difficult.</a>:
[QUOTE]" But now, he wants his other cousin, who's 5 to go because she'll feel left out. If we invite her then all of my cousins' children will need to be invited too. " Why is he concerned this 5 year old will feel left out, but not the rest of the cousins? Like, why is he singling out this one 5 year old from the rest of the cousins?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>All of the cousins on his side are adults, with the exception of the 15yo and the 5 yo. So, they are all invited, except for the two younger cousins. All the cousins on my side are adults, and thus, all invited, but their children are not. My neice and nephew grew up with me, often in the same house. </div>

msuprincess04 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kids-turning-out-to-be-more-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:533c52f5-90ad-4482-95dc-129103dbc679Post:706d04bc-d9b8-4056-b8b1-e3bfe78ad802">Re: No kids turning out to be more difficult.</a>:
[QUOTE]What's the new info? Come on, don't leave us hanging :)
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

<div>My nephew has some emotional problems, and is often suspended from school for fighting. During Christmas dinner, jokingly, he pulled a knife on my FI, a war vet. My FI fought his natural instinct and kept his cool, and my nephew was asked to leave the table. I thought the matter was passed, we know my nephew is just like that, but has never attacked a family member. My niece was asked to be BM, though, not by me, and I just never fought it. I always assumed that even at our adults-only wedding they would be there. No one could take them if my sister was the only one that went anyway. </div><div>
</div><div>This morning my FI finally admitted he just doesn't want him there. He's afraid he'll do something violent, and my FI will have no qualms putting that kid back into his place. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't want a fight at my wedding. I thought this was about his aunt throwing a fit that we were favoring one 15yo over another. I didn't know what the true issue was until he told me this morning. I have no clue what we are going to do. He wants to keep it strictly adults only and if my sister doesn't make it, then she doesn't make it. And my niece will have to deal with the disappointment. We have a few months to figure it out, but it's a crappy situation. </div>

rachelm13 · April 2013

I am with Stage. I went through the no kids issue and it took a lot of time to get the FBIL/FSIL to come to grips with OUR decision. I emphasis our because it was a conversation we had before we sent the STDs about kids vs. no kids. Having an arbitrary cut off is very difficult to defend. It sounds like your FI has other rationale for not being happy about your nephew being there. My humble advice is to talk it out without making promises to anyone and find something that you BOTH can live with.

ETA: spelling. DAGNABBIT.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

I understand his position.

But who gets invited to the wedding then? My sister, adult niece, 16yo niece, and not him? Or, just my sister and adult niece? Of course, that means telling a 16yo that she's no longer in the wedding.

No kids turning out to be more difficult.

Re: No kids turning out to be more difficult.

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