Follow up to Cruel post.

Spavigail_824253 · April 2013

I recieved two emails this morning from my Dad in response to my email asking that he not speak to me and that I would reach out to him when I was ready. I'm not quite sure how to respond, or even if I should.

I want to preface this by saying that he says I only contact him when I want to ask for something- which is a complete lie. But, I will not mislead you and must add that he did pay for my college education, purchased a car for me while in school and helped me with the down payment on a house. I never asked him for any of it. He told my brother and I, that since we got into good schools, he would pay for us and did not want us coming out with debt. With regards to the house, he asked me repeatedly for years to find one because of the lowered prices and he said that he would feel a lot better if he knew I had my own home. (FYI - I was living in an apartment. He also paid for my brothers college tuition and purchased them cars as well, I am the eldest child) Not once in my adult life have I asked him for anything, he has always offered or just given it as a gift. I am grateful for what he has given us, and I know he isn't completely terrible - but I don't think financial help excuses verbal abuse. I think it may be time for an honest reply, but I am not sure if I need to be talked off that ledge. I just don't know what to do.

So, here are the emails -

i have read ur reply. i sent you a very pointed letter mixed with some typical guyanese humour to soften the impact. the idea of education is to put people ahead. u seem to be wrapped in a world where fun is equally important as work. it has not been lost on me that whenever u need something the phone calls increase and then immediately die out thereafter. u need to stop being a non achiever. i have nothing more to give u except advice. u have suffered because u never listened. if u did embarass me to the torres it will not be good for wedding day. i wish u very well and my fervent hope is ur pride will not let u look like a butterball on wedding day. love dad

EMAIL 2

u need to reread my letter and tell me where is it i insulted u. the letter centered around ur increasing weight at a time when u are aware of the ramifications of obesity. i told u about this when i visited u a few months ago.and u agreed to start dieting or seeking help seriously. Instead u decided to pile the weight on that u looked like one of my poor black patients in vicksburg mississippi. i was incredibly appaled. and u still want me to speak nicely to you. be greatful of my guyanese humour. u know how nice the guyanese people are.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

You told him that you would contact him when you were ready to re-start that relationship.

Don't say a word to him until you are.

- I'm sorry that he keeps hounding you with those emails and saying that that was his 'humor'. It's unexcuseable, and still is. He is not giving you an apology. It is an 'I'm sorry' hidden in there somewhere with pounds and pounds of more hate. You know that he has problems and you were steadfast in telling him that it was wrong and you would not be speaking with him.

Stick with it babe.

For all else: Here is the original post:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cruel

Jessa617 · April 2013

If my father spoke to me that way I wouldn't email him.. I would call him and straight up tell him that is no way to speak his daughter. If that's the way he feels, then he doesn't have to look at or talk to me again. Until he realizes the error of his ways I would cut off all communication. But that's me.

I'm not sure how your relationship was prior to these emails, but I remember the original one you posted and it was apalling. That is no way to speak to someone you love. If you have concerns for their health, their are better ways to say it. I wouldn't even satisfy him with a response.

harper0813 · April 2013

I would respond to him by pasting his original email and highlighting the offensive passsages:

helllo xxx,

i have no doubt u enjoyed ur vacation in the philippines. the reason for this note is ur pictures on facebook in the philippines. i even met people who asked me how i could make u so big. well i never knew until now u had approached hannah sized proportions. u told me when i visited u had to lose weight. well u definitely gained more weight. additionally u seemed in the short time we were together u had to have a beer at lunch. u are the architect of ur own destruction. It is my impression that u may be preparing for a famine and nolle is incapable of or refuses to restrain u. u are already prediabetic. u need to urgently lose weight. u need to STOP DRINKING. popeye sized arms and a buffalo sized hump on your back is not a joke. i am pissed u should have denigrated urself in such a way knowing fully the diabetic background of the family. Just carrying u around here would prompt tricycle drivers to put more air in their tyres. u seem more appropriate taking pictures with clint and jasper. This is absolutely dammed disgraceful after giving u such a fine education. u have adopted the white man"s culture and it has come to this. Where is ur damned sense of pride . i am glad the taylor is being paid in pesos. Not even the propitious smiles of heaven could have prepared me for this. do the right thing xxx, stop trying to eat like a vulture and eat like a sparrow. If u are not eating much then the calories are coming from alcohol and u need medical help. i rest my case

And then I'd end it with, "Once again, I am not comfortable having a relationship with you right now and I will contact you when I'm ready."

I'm sorry to paste the original email he sent and I hope it doesn't bring back unpleasant feelings - but honestly, he needs to see the nastiness of his words.

And then, after this email, DO NOT respond to him. Don't answer his emails, calls, texts, whatever. If you see him, say hi and walk away and beandip him if he says anything to you.

Previous posters' advice about ignoring him is a great idea too. But his threat just rubs me the wrong way and I would have a tough time keeping quiet.

He is not worth your time. You are great. He is not.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_follow-up-to-cruel-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:924cc51f-e559-4c7e-9c5a-41cb441c2f6ePost:4d9772b2-c666-440b-9ae4-79f54358c6a7">Re: Follow up to Cruel post.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would respond to him by pasting his original email and highlighting the offensive passsages: helllo xxx, i have no doubt u enjoyed ur vacation in the philippines. the reason for this note is ur pictures on facebook in the philippines. i even met people who asked me how i could make u so big. well i never knew until now u had approached hannah sized proportions. u told me when i visited u had to lose weight. well u definitely gained more weight. additionally u seemed in the short time we were together u had to have a beer at lunch. u are the architect of ur own destruction. It is my impression that u may be preparing for a famine and nolle is incapable of or refuses to restrain u. u are already prediabetic. u need to urgently lose weight. u need to STOP DRINKING. popeye sized arms and a buffalo sized hump on your back is not a joke. i am pissed u should have denigrated urself in such a way knowing fully the diabetic background of the family. Just carrying u around here would prompt tricycle drivers to put more air in their tyres. u seem more appropriate taking pictures with clint and jasper. This is absolutely dammed disgraceful after giving u such a fine education. u have adopted the white man"s culture and it has come to this. Where is ur damned sense of pride . i am glad the taylor is being paid in pesos. Not even the propitious smiles of heaven could have prepared me for this. do the right thing xxx, stop trying to eat like a vulture and eat like a sparrow. If u are not eating much then the calories are coming from alcohol and u need medical help. i rest my case And then I'd end it with, "Once again, I am not comfortable having a relationship with you right now and I will contact you when I'm ready." I'm sorry to paste the original email he sent and I hope it doesn't bring back unpleasant feelings - but honestly, he needs to see the nastiness of his words. And then, after this email, DO NOT respond to him. Don't answer his emails, calls, texts, whatever. If you see him, say hi and walk away and beandip him if he says anything to you. Previous posters' advice about ignoring him is a great idea too. But his threat just rubs me the wrong way and I would have a tough time keeping quiet. He is not worth your time. You are great. He is not.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I disagree with this. She needs to stick to her guns and not respond at all, otherwise it's just giving him a foot in the door again to email her back and say more nasty things.

</div>

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_follow-up-to-cruel-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:924cc51f-e559-4c7e-9c5a-41cb441c2f6ePost:1bcd2b04-26e1-4f6a-8400-0ff6336a49fa">Re: Follow up to Cruel post.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Follow up to Cruel post. : Don't do this. You cannot control him, you cannot change him, and you cannot make him react how you want him to. He sees nothing wrong with what he has said and done, so you have 2 options. 1. Continue talking to him and allowing him to cut you down or 2. Cutting off contact. No amount of pasting and highlighting is going ot make him see the error of his ways. In fact, as much as I know it isn't what you want to hear, there is a good chance he will NEVER believe that he is wrong about this. <strong>Your only recourse is to protect yourself.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Stage nailed it. Case closed.</div>

harper0813 · April 2013

Good points, KM and Linger - I guess it was just my gut reaction. He's just as unlikely to notice how terrible his words are if it's not spelled out for him, so my gut instinct would be to unemotionally dumb it down.

OP, the advice to stick to your guns and NOT respond is great advice.

glitterunicorn13 · April 2013

You cannot make irrational people rational. This is NOT YOU, it is him. Please detach. It is like trying to explain how to make cupcakes to a drunk guy on the corner. HE WILL NOT just pop up and start making cupcakes. HE needs years of therapy to discover why he is wrong, and you are not the one to give him therapy.

Don't let this negative energy permeate your beautiful day..... be at peace.

misssunshine17 · April 2013

I have nothing to add other than your father is a total diick. Please take care of yourself! You don't need to take his sh!t.

winelover123 · April 2013

That's awful. I have to agree to just not contact him at all - he'll only give out more cruelty. Delete the emails. You are a beautiful person. As PPs said, he's not worth your time or energy.

FizzySips · April 2013

He will continue to insult you until you have no self esteem left. Cut off all contact, set up an email folder and rules so his emails are filtered and don't go to your inbox. Focus on yourself, your FI and this joyous time. And most of all - keep telling yourself that this is HIS problem and there is nothing wrong with you or your decisions. Good luck!

QueerFemme · April 2013

Omg. What a total asshat. I agree with everyone else. Delete the emails, block his email address so you won't even see anything else from him. Make sure you decline his money for the wedding if I remember correctly, he was paying for a portion of it, and live your life. I know cutting off family is hard. I cut my father off 23 years ago. He died last year a sad, lonely old man, but he apologized to me before he died. I forgave him and I did feel sorry for him, but I was grateful that I didn't spend those 23 years with him flucking with my head and messing with my happiness. Just because you share his dna doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with him.

AddieCake · April 2013

I agree to delete and not respond. My mother's similar nonsense (which had gone on my entire childhood and until I was in college) only stopped when I made it clear to her that her behavior would not be tolerated if she expected to have a relationship with me. After cutting ties with her, she eventually adjusted her behavior, and we never had any further problems.

Spavigail_824253 · April 2013

My gut reaction was to reply, to let him know what I really think of him. I am going to take everyone's advice and not do this because it won't help. I am at a loss for words as to how I can make him see something that is so blatantly obvious to anyone else. There's a part of me that knows he wants to be mean, it's just who he is. I will not reply, I will move forward with my life as usual. I think not feeding into him is the best thing I can do. You guys have great advice. I'm glad I stopped by before sending the scathing email I have saved in my drafts. Hopefully, this is the last I hear from him until the wedding day. Until that time, I will work on building up my armor so he can not get to me. I will not let him drag me down to his level.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_follow-up-to-cruel-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:924cc51f-e559-4c7e-9c5a-41cb441c2f6ePost:e34f39b8-26b7-4e8b-9c13-2233551f5e2e">Re: Follow up to Cruel post.</a>:
[QUOTE]My gut reaction was to reply, to let him know what I really think of him. I am going to take everyone's advice and not do this because it won't help. I am at a loss for words as to how I can make him see something that is so blatantly obvious to anyone else. There's a part of me that knows he wants to be mean, it's just who he is. I will not reply, I will move forward with my life as usual. I think not feeding into him is the best thing I can do. You guys have great advice. I'm glad I stopped by before sending the scathing email I have saved in my drafts. Hopefully, this is the last I hear from him until the wedding day. Until that time, I will work on building up my armor so he can not get to me. I will not let him drag me down to his level.
Posted by Spavigail[/QUOTE]

<div>You shoudl block his email address, so that way you don't even know when he's emailing you. That saves you a stab in the heart right there, because he's sure to send more. Good on you for moving forward and not letting it affect you (to the best ability that you can). I think you're right that he does want to be mean.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's worth mentioning, too, that if he does show up at the wedding, you and FI need to talk and tell him to keep an eye on you - make sure that he's at your side if your father chooses to try to talk to you as a guardian of sorts. I know it sounds a little silly, but it just might prevent your father from saying anything nasty just by FI BEING next to you. It might save you some heartache too.</div><div>
</div><div>You're a lovely woman, and I'm sure it means a lot to all of us that not only have you come here once for advice, you are steeling yourself and came back yet again. It means a lot to me, anyways.</div>

[Deleted User] · April 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself and not letting your father emotionally cut you down. I've cut my father out of my life almost two years ago. He had issues with alcohol and drug addiction. He also was incredibly narcissistic and self-centered and refused to take responsibility for his actions that hurt the family. He would send me weekly emails, claiming he had no idea why I wouldn't talk to him, that I was an ungrateful, spoiled brat and he deserved respect because he was my father and it was my job to take care of him. With him, any attention is good, regardless of how I'm acknowledging him.

Don't give him what he wants. Focus on yourelf and channel your energy into something that's worthwhile and meaningful. *hugs* I also agree with Stage, counseling can really help. I definitely needed it.

NYCMercedes · April 2013

You have everyone's support here. It was wonderful that he was financially generous when you were young. That's over now. Don't feel you owe him anything anymore.

MuppetFan · April 2013

I would not respond. I would not let him pay a red cent for my wedding....not one.

This is just awful, cruel and toxic and this is not something you should dves this deal with. No one deserves this.

Follow up to Cruel post.

Re: Follow up to Cruel post.

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