Disappointed

LilGirlNic · March 2013

My fiance, Wayne, and I just got engaged at the end of February and I wanted to get married on September 13th which would be our third anniversary it also happens to fall on a Friday. My mom's response was...lackluster. Her response when I told her was, "You didn't say yes did you?" My dad was initially excited, until he heard the budget of $15,000. After he heard that he told me to start saving my money. When I should my mom and brother the dress I liked which was $1500 they told me it was ridiculous to spend that much on a dress I'm going to wear once and that I was being unrealistic. I'm really hurt and upset that my family thinks that my dream DIY barn wedding was unreasonable. Wayne is upset too because he feels like he's failed as a fiance by not being able to give me my dream wedding. So we've decided to get married at the town hall this year and have the wedding on our sixth anniversary. Any advice from you guys on how to make a town hall wedding special?

J+A 2013 · March 2013

Throw the wedding that you and your FI can afford, on whatever day you want. It's no one else's job to pay for your wedding, so if you can afford a $15,000 budget and $1500 dress, who cares what anyone else thinks?

One very importat last thought - your wedding is the day you are married. You can't have another wedding on your 6th anniversary unless you get divorced in between. There are some special cases where people might be okay with friends or family members doing that, but "I want to be married with all the benefits and then throw a big fancy party and get gifts when we can afford it" is NOT one of them.

LilGirlNic · March 2013

I'm don't want to throw a big wedding party to get gifts and reap the benefits I don't even want a big wedding. I want to do it so that my family can be there to celebrate even if it's six years late. The reason we don't want to wait six years to get married is because we refuse to have kids before getting married and we want kids in the next couple of years. We're doing the town hall wedding because it's what we can afford, not because it's what we want. I don't want anything big and elaborate all I wanted was a small outdoor ceremony with family and close friends and a rustic reception that was mostly DIY unfortunately some unexpected expenses came up that we've had to handle. I'm more upset by my family's reaction and the way the acted when it came to the planning than I am about not having my dream wedding. I've come to terms with not getting my dream wedding but I'm having a harder time dealing with my family basically calling my selfish, unrealistic and unresonable.

J+A 2013 · March 2013

Were you expecting them to foot the bill when you told them your budget? I'd call you selfish and unrealistic if you were planning a wedding on someone else's dime, too.

My mom basically had the same reaction to our budget ("Why spend so much on one day?!") but we can afford it and it's what we want to do, so we are.

I don't understand what you're doing at all. You can't afford to have a wedding now, so you're skipping a big wedding (totally fine), but then you plan to have kids and THEN throw a "wedding" 6 years later? ETA: I posted too soon. That is to say: kids are expensive and your priorities will change. So it just makes no sense to me why you think you'd have the money in 6 years (plus some kids) later if it's not possible to throw even a small wedding now.

tiny speck · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:70ccfef7-ee0b-4358-a3cc-9692695294bbPost:fa7ea2cc-4354-4a94-8d88-d7e952e4fbc0">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]Were you expecting them to foot the bill when you told them your budget? I'd call you selfish and unrealistic if you were planning a wedding on someone else's dime, too. My mom basically had the same reaction to our budget ("Why spend so much on one day?!") but we can afford it and it's what we want to do, so we are. I don't understand what you're doing at all. You can't afford to have a wedding now, so you're skipping a big wedding (totally fine), but then you plan to have kids and THEN throw a "wedding" 6 years later? ETA: I posted too soon. That is to say: <strong>kids are expensive and your priorities will change. So it just makes no sense to me why you think you'd have the money in 6 years (plus some kids) later if it's not possible to throw even a small wedding now.</strong>
Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

All of this. Why don't you just plan the wedding you (read: you and your FI together, not relying on contributions from anyone else) can afford now and call it a day. I'd also think your families would really be "over it" six years down the road, especially if you plan to have kids before then.

cnf2013 · March 2013

Why don't you rent a shelter a local park and have an outdoor wedding and rustic-ish DIY wedding that way? In the state park in my town a shelter/pavilion costs between $130-175 from sun up to sundown depending on the size you select. Throw maybe $500 for catering and however much for some DIY decoration, a few bucks for the licensce and officiant, and you can do the whole shebang for under 2K, easily.

kaos16 · March 2013

If I may, OP how old are you?

KatWAG · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:70ccfef7-ee0b-4358-a3cc-9692695294bbPost:54168ffc-3608-46f0-a7d5-95090c17e3d9">Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance, Wayne, and I just got engaged at the end of February and I wanted to get married on September 13th which would be our third anniversary it also happens to fall on a Friday. My mom's response was...lackluster. Her response when I told her was, <strong>"You didn't say yes did you?" </strong>My dad was initially excited, until he heard the budget of $15,000. After he heard that he told me to start saving my money. When I should my mom and brother the dress I liked which was $1500 they told me it was ridiculous to spend that much on a dress I'm going to wear once and that I was being unrealistic. I'm really hurt and upset that my family thinks that my dream DIY barn wedding was unreasonable. Wayne is upset too because he feels like he's failed as a fiance by not being able to give me my dream wedding. So we've decided to get married at the town hall this year and have the wedding on our sixth anniversary. Any advice from you guys on how to make a town hall wedding special?
Posted by LilGirlNic[/QUOTE]

Have you asked your mom why she isnt a fan of your fi?

[Deleted User] · March 2013

O honey. I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were looking for. Sometimes families are thrown off by the quickness of the event. Have you thought about cutting costs. Where I'm located you can rent a park for two hours and it's $99. Then find a small hall for the reception. Not sure how much the barn rental is there. My grandparents (my mother is no longer with us) weren't as happy as I thought they would be. When I started putting the wedding together they got more and more excited! Especially when I started finding deals. Don't ever give up on your original plan. You could still have your dress, and maybe on your 10th wedding anniversary have a big barn wedding. Good luck!

kerbohl · March 2013

Maybe your family reacted as such because they don't know how much wedding costs these days? $1500 is average for a dress, and $15000 is lower than the average wedding cost. Are you sure they were actually lashing out at you for spending that much on a wedding, or lashing out on the fact that your reasonable DIY idea for a wedding costs $15 000 these days? That's how I reacted to my own budget - I can afford what we are spending, but I still can't get over what I am getting for that money. Stupid gouging in the wedding industry . . .
I say hash out what you can and can't afford, and try to make that as close as possible to yoru dream wedding. There are ways to make it cheaper and still have a semblance of what you wanted as your dream wedding. I would not have a second reception 6 years later - you'll be way too busy with kids! If anything, have a vow renewal in 10 or 15 years.

Knottie_22387048 · March 2013

I think a DIY barn wedding sounds great! I bet you can do that for under $15k. And you can probably find a great dress for a lot less, too. My sister paid like $600 for hers, and it was beautiful!

If you and your FI get creative, you can have the wedding you want a lot sooner. The sixth anniversary thing just sounds kinda weird.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

I have no idea why your wedding HAS to be 15k. We had an outdoor wedding like you described, with some fancy extras (two venues), and we came nowhere near that amount.

Why is it "OMGawd, 15 thousand or noooooooooothing!" It almost sounds to me like you are trying to manipulate your family into paying your ridiculous amount by saying "Fine! No wedding for you to come to then! We're going to the JOP, SO THERE!"

People on these boards have had exactly the kind of wedding you describe for six thousand dollars or less. I don't follow your logic in the slightest.

mthoma16 · March 2013

There are some pretty harsh people on this post so let me be a ray of light for you My fiance is in the military, and one of the perks of the military is that when you get married you get payed more to support your family. So after we got engaged we had a courthouse wedding with just our parents. I am now planning a wedding for May of next year. It allows us to save up for the wedding that we want to have while allowing us a little more breathing room to pay our bills every month with the extra money from being married. I refuse to let my parents pay for any part of the wedding (I'm only 24). I do think 6 years is a long time to wait to have your ceremony, but do what will make you happy Maybe instead of calling it a wedding call it a renewal of your vows? A lot of girls on here are being harsh and judgemental about you wanting to have a proper ceremony at a later date but I say ignore them. We're having a ceremony more for a mixing of families event than a "give me money and presents" (I think every girl who accuses another woman of that is just plain cruel). I know a lot of women in their 50's who have done it exactly this way with no regrets and don't even bother to celebrate the courthouse "anniversary" and if they do it's just with a dinner date. Please don't let these other women beat you down to make you feel like your courthouse wedding is the only one you can ever have.

09McSteph03 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:70ccfef7-ee0b-4358-a3cc-9692695294bbPost:35981326-548a-42c0-b39d-eedddfd10a7c">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]There are some pretty harsh people on this post so let me be a ray of light for you :) My fiance is in the military, and one of the perks of the military is that when you get married you get payed more to support your family. So after we got engaged we had a courthouse wedding with just our parents.<strong> </strong>I am now planning a wedding for May of next year. It allows us to save up for the wedding that we want to have while allowing us a little more breathing room to pay our bills every month with the extra money from being married. I refuse to let my parents pay for any part of the wedding (I'm only 24). I do think 6 years is a long time to wait to have your ceremony, but do what will make you happy :) Maybe instead of calling it a wedding call it a renewal of your vows? A lot of girls on here are being harsh and judgemental about you wanting to have a proper ceremony at a later date but I say ignore them. We're having a ceremony more for a mixing of families event than a "give me money and presents" (I think every girl who accuses another woman of that is just plain cruel). I know a lot of women in their 50's who have done it exactly this way with no regrets and don't even bother to celebrate the courthouse "anniversary" and if they do it's just with a dinner date. Please don't let these other women beat you down to make you feel like your courthouse wedding is the only one you can ever have.
Posted by mthoma16[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>nope.do not take this advice. There is a reason there is an entire thread of people telling you to consider your choices, opportunities and consequences from all angles. This poster is alone and will be alone in this crazy thought process. </div><div>
</div><div>You are already married. Do you really call him a fiance? How disrepectful. Those increased benefits you brag about are because you are legally married. And once you have your "proper" wedding (what makes a courthouse marriage improper btw?), will you no longer celebrate your courthouse wedding since it wasn't the wedding you wanted. Even though it's fully legal and binding? A vow renewal doesn't come with a marriage license, so how can you GET MARRIED more than once? And just to be clear the Webster's definition of "wedding" is: </div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#000000;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:20px;">a <u>marriage ceremony</u> usually with its accompanying festivities.</span></div><div><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2" color="#000000"><span style="line-height:20px;">A wedding is a marriage, and you my dear are already married. So instead of calling it a wedding, you can really call it what it IS - a vow renewal. Either you are confused and you just need help with it all, or you are out for a big party, with lots of presents and attention. </span></font></div><div><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2" color="#000000"><span style="line-height:20px;">
</span></font></div><div><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2" color="#000000"><span style="line-height:20px;">*Apologies for all the big/little/inconsistent fonts. I have no idea how to edit size on these forums*</span></font></div><div>
</div>

Ro041 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:70ccfef7-ee0b-4358-a3cc-9692695294bbPost:35981326-548a-42c0-b39d-eedddfd10a7c">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]There are some pretty harsh people on this post so let me be a ray of light for you :) My <strong>fiance is in the military, and one of the perks of the military is that when you get married you get payed more to support your family</strong>. So <strong>after we got engaged we had a courthouse wedding</strong> with just our parents. I am <strong>now planning a wedding</strong> for May of next year. It allows us to save up for the wedding that we want to have while allowing us a little more breathing room to pay our bills every month with the extra money from being married. I refuse to let my parents pay for any part of the wedding (I'm only 24). I do think 6 years is a long time to wait to have your ceremony, but do what will make you happy :) Maybe instead of calling it a wedding call it a renewal of your vows? A lot of girls on here are being harsh and judgemental about you wanting to have a proper ceremony at a later date but I say ignore them. We're having a ceremony more for a mixing of families event than a "give me money and presents" (I think every girl who accuses another woman of that is just plain cruel). I know a lot of women in their 50's who have done it exactly this way with no regrets and<strong> don't even bother to celebrate the courthouse "anniversary"</strong> and if they do it's just with a dinner date. Please don't let these other women beat you down to make you feel like your courthouse wedding is the only one you can ever have.
Posted by mthoma16[/QUOTE]

<div>On a day such as today, where thousands upon thousands of gay and lesbian couples are fighting for their right to have a courthouse wedding or to obtain those military benefits that you speak so flippantly about, I hope you are ashamed of yourself. Those thousands of couples would give everything to "bother to celebrate the courthouse anniversary." You only get one wedding (unless you get divorced). You chose to have a courthouse wedding so you could get military benefits. You are MARRIED. Don't come in here all high and mighty implying that courthouse weddings aren't good enough - it isn't going to get you far, and your friends are going to talk about you behind your back if you go through with this plan. Just sayin'.</div>

gberga · April 2013

To help you stay in budget, contact Genevieve Bergeron Photography. She is really well priced and I refer her to all of my clients. She helps you with saving you money as well. I am a coordinator and she gave me ideas that I didn't even think about. I also love her work and she did my wedding. I have not gotten one complaint and all of my brides have been happy with her. She also includes engagement sessions. She is worth contacting. And is in Massachusetts but travels. She doesn't charge for the travel either if you are in NH or RI

gberga · April 2013

Sorry also, Maudslay gardens is available for weddings and you only have to get a permit. which is 15.00. You would need an officiant but that you can save for and Jim Blanchard is only about 200. maybe 300 now. There is also a hall, PITA hall in Plum Island for 350. You have it all day and can do your food yourself. IF you contact Genevieve she will give you tons of info. I am sure you can have a gorgeous wedding and have it be special.

Lyds85 · April 2013

I agree with most of the posters on here.
you can only get married one time.
a courthouse wedding can still be lovely. nothing wrong with it.
to me $15,000 is a lot of money.
you shouldnt expect your parents to just pay for you whole wedding.
PS. we are having the wedding you described for $6,000.
GET A GRIP.

Disappointed

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