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FMIL

amanda5093amanda5093
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My FMIL doesn't agree with our engagement or marriage. She say she likes me but doesn't think we should be married. She only talks to me in a general stranger like sense and this is odd to me because my parents my FH are really close and FH and MOB are in contact all the time about wedding planning and stuff. Anyway. My mother has decided to host the rehearsal dinner and FH has picked his side of the guest list without any help from his mother. I think that even if she doesn't agree with our marriage she should still be involved but FH says to just let well enough alone. I just want us to be close and be able to bond over wedding planning things. Should I just let my mother do the rehearsal dinner and let well enough alone? Idk any advice???
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Re: FMIL

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    sister2groomsister2groom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The agreeing with your marriage is one thing, the way she talks to you is another. Just because your FI has a great relationshio with your parents doesn't mean you're going to have a great relationship with his.

    And even if she loved you and was totally on board with things, she just might not be the type to call you up all the time. Example: I love my sister-in-law (have no idea how my brother got such a wonderful girl) but we're just not close. I enjoy spending time with her when I'm in town, but we don't live near eachother and there are very few people I really have long chats with that I don't live near, and most of those I used to live with (siblings, old roommates, etc.)
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:613406ea-4ae6-4510-8a21-942c6232f576">FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FMIL doesn't agree with our engagement or marriage. She say she likes me but doesn't think we should be married. She only talks to me in a general stranger like sense and this is odd to me because my parents my FH are really close and FH and MOB are in contact all the time about wedding planning and stuff. Anyway. My mother has decided to host the rehearsal dinner and FH has picked his side of the guest list without any help from his mother. I think that even if she doesn't agree with our marriage she should still be involved but FH says to just let well enough alone. I just want us to be close and be able to bond over wedding planning things. Should I just let my mother do the rehearsal dinner and let well enough alone? Idk any advice???
    Posted by amanda5093[/QUOTE]

    I think there is more that you aren't telling us here.

    How old are you? How long have you been dating? Does she have just reasons why she doesn't like you?

    And sometimes things just take time. My Mom didn't really like my husband when we started dating, but now she realizes how good of a guy he is and how much he cares about me.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It could always be worse. At my bridal shower yesterday when my FMIL was asked if she was getting excited about our wedding (in 20 days), she clutched her throat and started making noises like she was choking.
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:927cdf9d-1666-42e7-9224-c356150a7a31">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL : I think there is more that you aren't telling us here. How old are you? How long have you been dating? Does she have just reasons why she doesn't like you? And sometimes things just take time. My Mom didn't really like my husband when we started dating, but now she realizes how good of a guy he is and how much he cares about me.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.

    But I'd really leave how involved she is up to her and your FI.
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    garcias1garcias1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm confused about the RD thing.  Does you mean to say that you aren't inviting her to the RD?  I don't think that will help your relationship improve at all.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Did she say she doesn't want to plan the RD?  Maybe now she feels like she IS being excluded because the ONE thing she's traditionally supposed to be in charge of, you and your mom took over.
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    Jennifer&NateJennifer&Nate
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:cb6567bc-5e94-406f-8ea2-2a04640c76bc">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]It could always be worse. At my bridal shower yesterday when my FMIL was asked if she was getting excited about our wedding (in 20 days), she clutched her throat and started making noises like she was choking.
    Posted by Valgal0014[/QUOTE]
    What a classy lady. :P
    I'm sorry you're having to put up with that.
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    amanda5093amanda5093
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:3893d90d-7ae4-4a78-98a4-9a0a3aaf39c9">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did she say she doesn't want to plan the RD?  Maybe now she feels like she IS being excluded because the ONE thing she's traditionally supposed to be in charge of, you and your mom took over.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

    I would never exclude her intentionally she just hasn't taken an interest, I asked her to come to my dress fitting and she said she would have nohing to do with the wedding. She wouldn't even give me addresses for Save the dates.
    My FH says that she just needs time to get used to it. I suppose maybe I should giver her time.

    Answer to whether I'm not telling you everything. We;ve been together a year and we just knew it was right. He's a couple years older than me but she's never commented on the age difference. The only thing I can think of is that FH was actually with someone when we first started dating. And she really liked her.

    I guess your right thought just because he's close to my parents doesn't mean that  i will be super close to his, As i thought about it later also I realized that perhaps part of the problem could be that my FH just lost his father in Sept. She could still be coping with this.
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    HappinessByTheKilowattHappinessByTheKilowatt member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:637e72bb-0e78-4137-9551-76939a3e4cb3">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : I would never exclude her intentionally she just hasn't taken an interest, I asked her to come to my dress fitting and she said she would have nohing to do with the wedding. She wouldn't even give me addresses for Save the dates. My FH says that she just needs time to get used to it. I suppose maybe I should giver her time. Answer to whether I'm not telling you everything. We;ve been together a year and we just knew it was right. He's a couple years older than me but she's never commented on the age difference. The only thing I can think of is that FH was actually with someone when we first started dating. And she really liked her. I guess your right thought just because he's close to my parents doesn't mean that  i will be super close to his, As i thought about it later also I realized that perhaps part of the problem could be that my FH just lost his father in Sept. She could still be coping with this.
    Posted by amanda5093[/QUOTE]

    So she probably doesn't like that you were the other woman in her son's relationship and probably questions your moral values. I honestly think that if I ended up marrying a guy who broke up a relationship I was in, my parents would take some time warming up to him also. Give them a break.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Eye to eye hbtk.

    OP - but how old are you?  Maybe FMIL just thinks you are too young to be taken seriously (especially if you are still in school, don't have a career, not financially stable, etc).  And she might even blame you for the breakup between FI and his girlfriend.  Were they togther for a long time?  The fact that you haven't been together that long and are already engaged might just be too much for FMIL to digest right now - especially if she was picturing the previous girlfriend as her daughter in law.

    You have to be self aware and realize that you didn't exactly make a great first impression by coming into his life as "the other woman."  It might take a while for her to see you in a different light.
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    amanda5093amanda5093
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you I agree. I guess I just figured since it was something we didn't talk about that it didn't affect anybody but us but i guess I didn't really give a good first impression. Him and his gf weren't together very long and from what he's told me there was never any hint of them lasting but perhaps she was hoping this would change.

    And our relationship started very close to the end of their relationship. I was not the cause of their break up. I'm in my twenty's i'm actually the same age that she was when she was married. But I understand her POV a little better  now. I just never thought of it this way.
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    LHB2011LHB2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bd89cbd-2089-43c1-b339-737caefc6634Post:637e72bb-0e78-4137-9551-76939a3e4cb3">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE] As i thought about it later also I realized that perhaps part of the problem could be that my FH just lost his father in Sept. She could still be coping with this.
    Posted by amanda5093[/QUOTE]

    Umm.. no offense... but you think??? My dad died almost three years ago and my mom is just now starting to learn how to cope with her grief.  My wedding, which she is over the top excited about, is still extremely hard for her at times.  Think of how you would feel if you lost your FI.  Then think of how it would be to lose him after you had been together for years and years and raised children together, shared a life and home together, etc... I had an incredibly difficult time at weddings after my dad died, I can't imagine what it would have been like for my mom.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she lost her husband only months ago, of course she might not be dancing over an upcoming wedding.  Tell me that you'd be thinking of parties and planning events that are related to couples and marriage if your FI had died 5 months ago.

    My mom died 20 months ago, and my dad still misses her every single day.  Try to be a little more understanding.  Your FMIL is in a different place than you are right now.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    mccartysmccartys
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sheesh... be happy you have a FMIL that wants to put in little to no input on your wedding! Plan ahead as you wish! Laughing
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