guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding

nic5483 · April 2013

I know a million versions of this question have been asked before - but here's mine:

My fiance and I decided we did not want children at our wedding. Though there aren't many children amongst our friends and family, the few that there are are probably 12 and under. It's an evening wedding and we don't want any bored kids running around or crying babies.

We recently received a response card from my fiance's former colleague saying that her husband is away for the weekend and she's going to bring her daughter as her date instead. The problem is, we're not sure how old her daughter is. If she's an older teen we're okay with it, but if she's younger, we have to say "no" to be fair to our other guests who are leaving their kids at home.

My fiance doesn't speak to this woman frequently, so we think email is the best way to communicate. Any ideas on how to word it? It's a little awkward since we're not 100% sure how old her daughter is.

EDIT: Invite was addressed to "Mr & Mrs So and So." We're fine with giving her a call too, but even so, what should we say?

Maggie0829 · April 2013

Was her invite addressed to her and her husband? If so, I think it is slightly rude of her to want to replace her husband with someone else. If her husband can't make it she should either RSVP for one or decline the invite all together.

As to how to word your response I am not really sure. Everything I am thinking of comes off sounding kind of b*tchy.

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

I think if you ask the age of the daughter and then decline based upon her age, your guest is going to feel hurt. In this case, I'd just explain that invites are not transferable and you hope to see her (alone) at the wedding.

nic5483 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:10ec41e3-c9a8-42d7-841a-89cdaf460fb7">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Was her invite addressed to her and her husband? If so, I think it is slightly rude of her to want to replace her husband with someone else. If her husband can't make it she should either RSVP for one or decline the invite all together. As to how to word your response I am not really sure. Everything I am thinking of comes off sounding kind of b*tchy.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup, it was addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. So and So." I agree that it's kind of rude for her to replace her husband, but we don't really mind since it's a small wedding. We had another guest do this too, thankfully her son is in his 20s and they're traveling far, so I could understand her wanting a companion. It is pretty crazy the things people do...</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

I think he needs to pick up the phone and call.

OwningAHome1981 · April 2013

If it's addressed to her and her husband specifically, then she should not replace him with her daughter, but if the invite said "and guest", then she can bring any date that she'd like. At least that is my interpretation of it.

I get that you don't want kids at your wedding (neither do I), but if an invite comes with "and guest" you can't really dictate who they can bring.

Edit: realised that it was addressed to her and her husband, so yeah just tell her the invite was intended for him and her only.

MuppetFan · April 2013

I think the only way to solve this is by contacting the woman verbally.

I mean, you know her well enough to invite her to your wedding.....can't be so bad to drop her a line.

nic5483 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:4af523be-cac6-4e96-a1f1-88fcd6091249">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the only way to solve this is by contacting the woman verbally. I mean, you know her well enough to invite her to your wedding.....can't be so bad to drop her a line.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

<div>Good point, but if we were to call, what should we say?</div>

Kate61487 · April 2013

I just don't understand why you (general) would invite someone to your wedding you're not comfortable speaking to on the phone. Especially since you (specific) said you're having a smaller wedding. Your FI needs to put on his big boy shorts and pick up the phone.

"Hey Joan, we just received your RSVP and I'm excited you can make it. I'm sorry I don't remember, but how old is Jane, again?"
"She's 15"
"Oh wonderful, we just wanted to make sure we wouldn't need to make any special accomodations. Can't wait to see you!"

or
"she's 7"
"I'm sorry Joan, but we actually aren't having any children at the wedding and I'm afraid if we make an exception there will be several family members with hurt feelings. I'm sure you understand; we really hope you can still make it though!"

Though honestly the whole conversation is less awkward if you just say 'no' regardless of her daughter's age.

smalfrie19 · April 2013

I just wanted to put my own experiance in here. during my last few years of high school, i was 15-18 and my step dad hates family functions so my mom always called first to see if it was ok, but she took me to several of her cousins weddings as opposed to my step dad who never really wanted to go. I even went to one on the day that i graduated.

nic5483 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:ea0984e7-6389-43e6-8e2a-d641404dec00">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't understand why you (general) would invite someone to your wedding you're not comfortable speaking to on the phone. Especially since you (specific) said you're having a smaller wedding. Your FI needs to put on his big boy shorts and pick up the phone. "Hey Joan, we just received your RSVP and I'm excited you can make it. I'm sorry I don't remember, but how old is Jane, again?" "She's 15" "Oh wonderful, we just wanted to make sure we wouldn't need to make any special accomodations. Can't wait to see you!" or "she's 7" "I'm sorry Joan, but we actually aren't having any children at the wedding and I'm afraid if we make an exception there will be several family members with hurt feelings. I'm sure you understand; we really hope you can still make it though!" Though honestly the whole conversation is less awkward if you just say 'no' regardless of her daughter's age.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks! I think those are good responses. We just figured email would be easier since she's not someone we'd normally pick up the phone to call often, but we're fine with calling too. </div>

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:ea0984e7-6389-43e6-8e2a-d641404dec00">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I Though honestly the whole conversation is less awkward if you just say 'no' regardless of her daughter's age.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

It's going to be awkward no matter what. If she just sends an e-mail, it may be less awkward for her the bride, but as a guest, I'd be very turned off.

Give the courtesy of a phone call regardless.

MayberryAfterMidnight · April 2013

Yeah, slightly rude of your FI's co-worker to assume that she just gets an automatic "plus one," no matter who it is! I had something similar happen recently. I planned to invite my mom's 3 best friends from college and their husbands (but not all of their adult children]. Out of nowhere, one of them says to my mom, "I think I'm going to bring Katherine [her daughter]." I'm not having an adults-only wedding and Katherine is 21, but still, it sort of rubbed me the wrong way.

Regarding responding to this co-worker, is there any way to find out from someone else how old the daughter is? Creepy, I know, but what about through Facebook - see if you can find a picture of her daughter! For a response, I would keep it up-beat, something like "We're so happy you'll be able to attend! May I ask how old your daughter is? The reason I ask is because FI and I made the decision that our wedding will be adults only, and we feel it's only fair to stick to that for everyone. Looking forward to seeing you again!" or something like that...I don't know! Any way you turn it, it's going to be awkward, so I would try to see if you can find out a different way? Good luck!

ETA: PPs are way more on the ball than I am - phone is probably better in any case. Email (anything in writing) is so easy to misinterpret.

nic5483 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:aa365fea-dc90-424f-a167-69ad8ef52f53">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding : It's going to be awkward no matter what. If she just sends an e-mail, it may be less awkward for her the bride, but as a guest, I'd be very turned off. Give the courtesy of a phone call regardless.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

<div>Great point. Thank you!</div>

nic5483 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:4c61c730-2a50-4d3d-a9a3-c53fbb7b13a8">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, slightly rude of your FI's co-worker to assume that she just gets an automatic "plus one," no matter who it is! I had something similar happen recently. I planned to invite my mom's 3 best friends from college and their husbands (but not all of their adult children]. Out of nowhere, one of them says to my mom, "I think I'm going to bring Katherine [her daughter]." I'm not having an adults-only wedding and Katherine is 21, but still, it sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Regarding responding to this co-worker, is there any way to find out from someone else how old the daughter is? Creepy, I know, but what about through Facebook - see if you can find a picture of her daughter! For a response, I would keep it up-beat, something like "We're so happy you'll be able to attend! May I ask how old your daughter is? The reason I ask is because FI and I made the decision that our wedding will be adults only, and we feel it's only fair to stick to that for everyone. Looking forward to seeing you again!" or something like that...I don't know! Any way you turn it, it's going to be awkward, so I would try to see if you can find out a different way? Good luck! ETA: PPs are way more on the ball than I am - phone is probably better in any case. Email (anything in writing) is so easy to misinterpret.
Posted by MayberryAfterMidnight[/QUOTE]

<div>Lol. We tried the Facebook route and had no luck. And yes, we felt totally creepy but it was worth a shot. </div>

Loopyseven · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:ea0984e7-6389-43e6-8e2a-d641404dec00">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't understand why you (general) would invite someone to your wedding you're not comfortable speaking to on the phone. Especially since you (specific) said you're having a smaller wedding. Your FI needs to put on his big boy shorts and pick up the phone. "Hey Joan, we just received your RSVP and I'm excited you can make it. I'm sorry I don't remember, but how old is Jane, again?" "She's 15" "Oh wonderful, we just wanted to make sure we wouldn't need to make any special accomodations. Can't wait to see you!" or "she's 7" "I'm sorry Joan, but we actually aren't having any children at the wedding and I'm afraid if we make an exception there will be several family members with hurt feelings. I'm sure you understand; we really hope you can still make it though!" Though honestly the whole conversation is less awkward if you just say 'no' regardless of her daughter's age.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Kate is great with the hypothetical conversations :). </div><div>
</div><div>But yeah, it's much more cut and dried if you just say no.

</div>

[Deleted User] · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:ea0984e7-6389-43e6-8e2a-d641404dec00">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't understand why you (general) would invite someone to your wedding you're not comfortable speaking to on the phone. Especially since you (specific) said you're having a smaller wedding. Your FI needs to put on his big boy shorts and pick up the phone. "Hey Joan, we just received your RSVP and I'm excited you can make it. I'm sorry I don't remember, but how old is Jane, again?" "She's 15" "Oh wonderful, we just wanted to make sure we wouldn't need to make any special accomodations. Can't wait to see you!" or "she's 7" "I'm sorry Joan, but we actually aren't having any children at the wedding and I'm afraid if we make an exception there will be several family members with hurt feelings. I'm sure you understand; we really hope you can still make it though!" Though honestly the whole conversation is less awkward if you just say 'no' regardless of her daughter's age.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

This sounds like a great way to deal with it.

ashleyep · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-wants-to-bring-daughter-as-date-to-adults-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b389c18-11d7-4f73-9f36-715b02a7632ePost:ad226bb4-7053-43f7-b0b0-cc0aeada4b00">Re: guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to put my own experiance in here. during my last few years of high school, i was 15-18 and my step dad hates family functions so my mom always called first to see if it was ok, but she took me to several of her cousins weddings as opposed to my step dad who never really wanted to go. I even went to one on the day that i graduated.
Posted by smalfrie19[/QUOTE]

<div>I think as long you ask first it's not a big deal. It does put the bride and groom in awkward spot of possibly having to say no, but they already accounted for a guest anyway. It's a problem if you just assume you can bring anyone you want as a guest.</div><div>
</div><div>At a friend's wedding in September, one of the guests brought her mom instead of her bf, since the bride knew her mother since they were kids. Another guest brought a mutual friend instead of her bf since her boyfriend was going to be out of town. Both times they made sure to ask before just assuming.</div>

bac9360 · April 2013

In Response to guest wants to bring daughter as "date" to "adults only" wedding:
even so, what should we say?

We had a similar situation from a few of my cousins who wanted to bring their kids in lieu of their spouse. I kindly responded that we weren't inviting anyone else's children and that if their kid was there it would put us in an uncomfortable situation. People just don't get it sometimes. Especially since you addressed the invitation to her and her husband. Of course you bear the risk of that person not coming at all, but if your fiance doesn't even talk to her much, then why sweat it? Luckily for us my cousins understood and there was no issues at the reception.

Good luck.

Summer2011Bride · April 2013

If it were me, I would call and say no regardless of age and probably not ask age. I think it will be more straightforward and less awkward that way.

How old is this woman? I know it's not an exact science, but you may be able to guesstimate age of daughter. For instance, if she's in her late twenties, chances are she's not going to have a 17 year old daughter. If she's in her sixties, chances are she won't have a 5 year old daughter.

Again this is not an exact science; there are exceptions and what not and if shes in the middle of those age ranges, it's hard to tell. That is why I would probaby just say, "We're excited to see you at the wedding, but unfortunately we are having adults only and if we let you bring your daughter, other guests might feel hurt for not having their own children invited. I hope you understand and are still able to make it."

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