Would it be polite?

Xandy417 · April 2013

Not sure if this belongs on this board or not. I live in Wisconsin and my family lives in Southern California. My FI and I are getting married in Wisconsin and my parents had a fit when we said we were not getting married in a Catholic Church and said that they would not be coming. This happened in January and I have not really talked to them since then. Would it be polite if I called them and asked them if they were really not coming to the wedding? I am finding it hard to plan things with certain vendors not knowing if they will come or not.

AdeleDazeem · April 2013

You can certainly call and ask.

I'd plan as if they were coming, however. A child's wedding is a hard thing to skip, even if you disagree with it for whatever reason. I'd always leave the door open, hoping that my parents would realize they were being silly and wanted to come - even if it was at the last minute.

misshart00 · April 2013

I would also plan assuming they're coming. I am curious though, what's difficult to plan without knowing? They really only have to show up.

Xandy417 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:18e748a1-52f1-43a2-9bbd-992afe413466">Re:Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would also plan assuming they're coming. I am curious though, what's difficult to plan without knowing? They really only have to show up.
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

<div>The florist wants to know if they will be needing a corsage or boutonniere and if my parents don't come most of my siblings would not also since they live at home and some of them do not have incomes. It makes a huge difference in head count as I have a large family.</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you for your advice. I guess I will give them a call but still plan for them to come just in case.</div>

s-aries8990 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:18e748a1-52f1-43a2-9bbd-992afe413466">Re:Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would also plan assuming they're coming. I am curious though, <em>what's difficult to plan without knowing? They really only have to show up.</em>
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

This.

Are you anticipating some financial help? Money comes with strings, so just have an awesome non-denominational bash that YOU and FI can afford on your own. If they bring up the church thing, I wouldn't tell them that it's "not important" to you, but that you don't want to pretend to be something you're not. KWIM? It may lessen the blow on them a bit.

itzMS · April 2013

If your parents baptized you Catholic, I can understand why they are upset that you've turned away from the faith. It can be a huge deal for a devout Catholic to attend a non-Catholic ceremony of someone we know is a baptized/confirmed Catholic.

I don't know if I'd press the issue, personally. But certainly send them an invitation.

gabriel0915 · April 2013

I would also plan as if they were. I know that H's mom was very upset that we had never planned on a catholic wedding. After a little time she got used to it and happily came. It was her son and I would have never expected her not to be there. I'm sure that they would come around.

s-aries8990 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:af17da03-c668-423d-974d-b7d816730178">Re:Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Would it be polite? : The florist wants to know if they will be needing a corsage or boutonniere and if my parents don't come most of my siblings would not also since they live at home and some of them do not have incomes. It makes a huge difference in head count as I have a large family. Thank you for your advice. I guess I will give them a call but still plan for them to come just in case.
Posted by Xandy417[/QUOTE]

Ahh, I gotcha. Plan for them and let them know that you expect them.

itzMS · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:72222525-ce98-4b07-8d61-021c25bde887">Re: Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would also plan as if they were. I know that H's mom was very upset that we had never planned on a catholic wedding. After a little time she got used to it and happily came. It was her son and I would have never expected her not to be there. I'm sure that they would come around.
Posted by futuregabriel[/QUOTE]

There's a bit more to it than just "coming around".

It sounds like the OP's parents are very devout Catholics. By the OP marrying outside of the Church (and not planning to have her marriage blessed by the Church), it is a public act separating herself from the Church. It can be an emotional time for parents who baptized and raised their children Catholic.

daria24 · April 2013

Both H & I come from strict Catholic families. There were some definite eyebrow raises when we made it clear that we weren't even using the 'g' word in our ceremony, let alone having it in a Church. But eventualy our families accepted it. Plan everything with your vendors as if they are coming-my florist only needed a final signoff 2 weeks before the wedding, so you have plenty of time to adjust your plans if they end up not coming.

renegade gaucho · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:f09dcfe9-562b-4c32-94ee-12f5685192fa">Re: Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would it be polite? : There's a bit more to it than just "coming around". It sounds like the OP's parents are very devout Catholics. By the OP marrying outside of the Church (and not planning to have her marriage blessed by the Church), it is a public act separating herself from the Church. It can be an emotional time for parents who baptized and raised their children Catholic.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

I understand that it's hard, but they need to realize that she is an adult and gets to make her own decisions regarding her faith. Threatening not to attend is immature and manipulative.

SB1512 · April 2013

OP I hope your parents change their minds and decide to attend. FI as baptized catholic and put up with going to church every week until he made his confirmation. After that, he has not set foot in church aside from weddings and funerals. I was not baptized and have no religious ties. When we made it clear we would not be getting married in a church my FIL's were upset, but the seemt to have gotten over it and will be attending our wedding.

itzMS · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:28253598-a586-4511-92a9-03e933207242">Re: Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would it be polite? : I understand that it's hard, but they need to realize that she is an adult and gets to make her own decisions regarding her faith. Threatening not to attend is immature and manipulative.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

But you see, her parents are not being threatening. Some very devout Catholics see it as a sin for them to even witness the vows.

Before you judge, you should probably do your research on other faiths.

itzMS · April 2013

HoorayForSoup, you are correct in that the Catholic church has never given an official "ruling" on this issue, but it is something that many practicing Catholics struggle with. The Church does give us the choice of attending or not

Witnessing (sitting through) the vows at an invalid ceremony is something a lot of Catholics simply won't do. Other Catholics will attend, but we are strongly encouraged to do everything in our power to direct the couple back to the Church.

Once you are baptized as a Catholic, you are always a Catholic.

harper0813 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:dd651c52-a755-4018-ad52-c48d8faf2584">Re: Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your parents baptized you Catholic, I can understand why they are upset that you've turned away from the faith. It can be a huge deal for a devout Catholic to attend a non-Catholic ceremony of someone we know is a baptized/confirmed Catholic. I don't know if I'd press the issue, personally. But certainly send them an invitation.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>I was expecting a lot of pushback from our parents and grandparents when we said we were being married by a judge and not in a church. I think it's extremely insensitive of a person to expect another person to marry a certain way. But like you said, itz, it's best not to bring it up again to argue about it because some people are devoutly religious in a judgemental and pushy way, unfortunately. OP, I'm so sorry your parents are treating you this way.</div><div>
</div><div>Just send them invitations like you would any other guests. They've made it clear that they don't want to be involved. Once you get their response, then you can let your florist know - I'd be surprised if a florist refused to make two corsages with a couple weeks' notice.</div>

monkeysip · April 2013

To clarify Itz's point a little, it has never been strictly against Canon Law, but attending the wedding of a Catholic who isn't getting married validly is an issue of scandal.

Scandal doesn't mean the same in the Church as it does in common society, and it's a very serious issue. To Catholics, a Catholic getting married outside of the Church isn't actually getting married at all. And attending their wedding gives the impression that you approve of this person's choice, and that there's nothing wrong with getting married outside of the Church. This might become a stumbling block for others, and indeed, I think in many ways it has. I think it helps explain why so many Catholics are actually unaware that they're supposed to marry in the Church in order to remain in communion. Because Catholics who do know don't say anything and attend the wedding like nothing's wrong.

HOWEVER... before anyone attacks me, most theologians recognize that there are mitigating factors, and in many cases, it would be far more harmful to NOT attend the wedding than to just attend it, especially in cases like a daughter or son. Catholics are free to make a prudential judgment here. I think most Catholics who attend invalid weddings rightly believe that destroying the relationship with the person will push the person even further from the faith.

Just trying to provide some clarity.

Obviously, OP, if you've already considered the weight of your decision, then you need to just go through with what you feel is right. Hopefully your parents will decide to come, but if not, try your best to not be extremely angry with them and make peace eventually.

audreyecu61 · April 2013

To OP: Your parents love you regardless, send them an invitation and be flexible in planning where you can be. Hope and pray to God that you and they can continue an relationship with eachother... regardless of your choice in your life or theirs.

Good Luck

Fallen Catholic here: 12 years Catholic school, my children too.
Mom and sister super devout.I'm fallen for my own reasons, God knows and I know.

meltoine · April 2013

As PPs have said, this is an issue that the Pope and the Vatican have thus far left up to each individual to decide, in consult with God and their priest. Some people come to the conclusion that preserving the relationship is most important. Some people come to the conclusion that avoiding scandal is most important. Some people come to the conclusion that as long as your are not an official witness (MOH or BM) that it's ok to attend as a guest. If the OP's parents are in the camp that avoiding scandal is most important, it's not about them being manipulative. They honestly believe that attending would harm their own relationships with God and would be an offense against the Church. They're not doing it to goad OP into changing her mind. I'm sure this is not a decision theyve come to lightly.

chelseamb11 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-it-be-polite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31d5619f-90ef-40b0-b5f0-3be0ff4ee56dPost:6705be03-65c1-4f14-952f-31486ebb69e7">Re: Would it be polite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would it be polite? : Agreed. It's also just a terrible thing to do to your child, who you are supposed to love unconditionally.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

Loving unconditionally =/= supporting something even though you believe it to be harmful to your adult child's wellbeing (whether it be spiritual, physical, etc).

Sometimes loving someone means making that tough decision to say "I'm sorry. I love you so much that I truly cannot support you in making a decision that I view to be harmful to you"

Don't get me wrong, I believe every adult has the right to decide his/her faith. However, I do see where the parents coming from and I completely disagree that they are loving their child any less by not going to the wedding.

cmmurphy89 · April 2013

To the OP:
I had a similiar situation in planning my wedding. My FI is baptist and I am born, raised and still practicing a Catholic. I had decided, and been advised by many people within the church, including clergy, that for an inter-faith marriage we should not have a full mass. While this is something that I had always planned on, but I was willing to make the concession for my FI and his family. I thought my parents would have no problem with the situation as I was planning to be married within the church, my marriage would be fully valid and recognized. NOPE! In their eyes, I am Catholic, so it was a full mass or it was a No Go. They were paying for the entire wedding, so after a period of time they eventually said they would pay but they would not attend. To them it is a sin, not because canon law says it is a sin, but because to knowing do something that in their hearts they feel is wrong and against God, makes it a sin.

My family believed that it was damaging my relationship with God, and as my parent's at my baptism they said they would do everything they could to guide me in my faith. In this case, they could not support that decision, even if canon law said we were all good.

Calypso1977 · April 2013

cmmurphy, IMO your parents were unreasonable because your marriage was indeed valid even tho Mass was not offered. im really sorry that happened to you. :-(

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