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Can I include girls in the shower who are not invited to the wedding?

EmilyL1810EmilyL1810 member
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
Basically, it goes like this. I am having a small-ish wedding, and I simply was not able to invite everyone ever in the world. However, there are plenty of girls I'm pretty sure who would really enjoy coming to my shower anyways. Is it okay to go ahead and invite them? I know etiquette says otherwise, but would you be offended? Or even confused?
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Re: Can I include girls in the shower who are not invited to the wedding?

  • EmilyL1810EmilyL1810 member
    First Comment
    And this is not about gifts. It's genuinely about including people I love and wanted to invite to the wedding, but couldn't.
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  • SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited March 2013
    Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre-wedding parties. Please don't assume that people will enjoy spending their time and money on you when they aren't even invited to the event you're celebrating. I would side-eye it hardcore because it comes off as gift-grabby.

    Also, your post makes it seem as if you are the one hosting the shower. Please don't do that if you are. Showers are gifts to the bride from loved ones; it's tacky to throw a party in your own honour.

    ETA: To your second post, bridal showers are gift-giving events; people "shower" the bride with gifts. If you just want to see people without the gift-giving connotations then it should be a bridal luncheon rather than a shower.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
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  • EmilyL1810EmilyL1810 member
    First Comment
    Sorry! My MOH just requested a list and I didn't know who should be on it. If I ask her to call it a luncheon, would it be okay? Please don't be nit-picky. I am trying to celebrate with my friends. That's all.
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  • vk2204vk2204 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    You can call it anything you want, but you are ultimately celebrating your wedding. So, no do not invite anyone that is not invited to the wedding.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    Yes, I would be offended. It isn't nice to invite people to a party to celebrate and then not invite them to the event they are celebrating. You can go out with your friends and have fun or "celebrate" after the wedding; just don't give it any association with your wedding. It would just be getting together with the girls like you would any time. You would only call it a luncheon if NOBODY was giving gifts, and the women not invited to the wedding should not be invited to that, either.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_can-i-include-girls-in-the-shower-who-are-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:1ce427c1-cbbf-4479-b622-a3248d78b6e5Post:57508027-1946-4730-a7c9-ffe5a8093269">Re: Can I include girls in the shower who are not invited to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry! My MOH just requested a list and I didn't know who should be on it. If I ask her to call it a luncheon, would it be okay? Please don't be nit-picky. I am trying to celebrate with my friends. That's all.
    Posted by EmilyL1810[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Telling you that a shower is to "shower the bride with gifts" isn't nit-picky-it's telling you the <u>definition</u> of the word.  A luncheon would be more appropriate, but I still think its confusing to invite people to a pre-wedding luncheon when they aren't actually invited to the wedding.  Go out and celebrate as a married woman afterwards--then you know there will be no hard/confused feelings.

    </div>
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_can-i-include-girls-in-the-shower-who-are-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:1ce427c1-cbbf-4479-b622-a3248d78b6e5Post:c6e49649-1e00-4971-84a5-e1af8e9bfb3f">Can I include girls in the shower who are not invited to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Basically, it goes like this. I am having a small-ish wedding, and I simply was not able to invite everyone ever in the world. However, there are plenty of girls I'm pretty sure who would really enjoy coming to my shower anyways. Is it okay to go ahead and invite them? I know etiquette says otherwise, but would you be offended? Or even confused?
    Posted by EmilyL1810[/QUOTE]

    This happened to a friend of mine. We were both invited to the shower, and only I was invited to the wedding. She was hurt and confused. I felt bad for even attending the shower, and was embarrassed for the bride. In the end, we both attended, but we really didn't have much respect for her after that. Also, I wasn't too surprised later when I never received a thank you card for my gifts.

    ETA: No one expects you to invite "everyone ever in the world". Weddings are supposed to be for those you are very close with. I guarantee these women aren't chomping at the bit to be involved in your wedding, nor do they expect to be. It's o.k. to not invite everyone you know. If you did, it would be a circus.
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Nope. you're talking about doing something super duper rude.

    Just tell them "Yay!  You're not good enough to drop cash on hosting at my wedding, but totes show up at the shower and give me gifts!!!!!"

    Mean, and rude
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't understand. You can't accommodate them, but your MOH can? In addition to the fact that it is not polite to invite people to a pre-wedding event, but not the wedding, that is the question that always comes to mind for me.
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  • ld916ld916
    First Comment
    I so wouldn't be offnded.  But there are some who might. I am in the same situation and having a family only destination wedding and a friend is throwing me a shower and won't take no.  I don't want or need gifts and all of my friends who are invited to the shower would find it rude that I didn't have a party for them to celebrate with me any way they can.  Times have changed since the rules were written and I am sure I will get the same" ex brides-now wives" who troll these pages just waiting to jump on an etiquette busting bride.  I say do what you want because these people aren't your friends and aren't invited to your party! You don't need to justify what you are doing.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_can-i-include-girls-in-the-shower-who-are-not-invited-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1ce427c1-cbbf-4479-b622-a3248d78b6e5Post:0704da0b-678a-4da6-94af-844ebe430055">Re: Can I include girls in the shower who are not invited to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I so wouldn't be offnded.  But there are some who might. I am in the same situation and having a family only destination wedding and a friend is throwing me a shower and won't take no.  I don't want or need gifts and all of my friends who are invited to the shower would find it rude that I didn't have a party for them to celebrate with me any way they can.  Times have changed since the rules were written and I am sure I will get the same" ex brides-now wives" who troll these pages just waiting to jump on an etiquette busting bride.  I say do what you want because these people aren't your friends and aren't invited to your party! You don't need to justify what you are doing.
    Posted by ld916[/QUOTE]


    If she doesn't need to justify it, she shouldn't ask anyone if it is ok. The act of asking implies she wants opinions.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • ld916ld916
    First Comment
    Wow...just like high school again. So glad I'm done with all of that and this.
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  • lekellemslekellems member
    First Comment
    Ouch!  I know how this bride-to-be feels.  I'm a recent college graduate, residing in my college town.  Naturally, I want to invite all the girls I love from my sorority AND the alumnae association!  Unfortunately, that's just not feasable for the wedding.  (Our bar/catering is $70 per person!)  I don't feel comfortable inviting many but not all, so I would love to include these women in some other celebration.  I see where you're coming from--this is not about gifts.  I still want it to be wedding-related though (maybe play obnoxious bachelorette games or something), so hanging out "as a married woman with friends" after the wedding isn't really the same.  I certainly don't want to break the rules of ettiquete, inviting these women to a pre-wedding shindig and not the wedding...I'm going to be thinking of ways to do this.

    **Note: I think having 70 or so sorority sisters makes some things different.  For instance, I would NEVER have an "honorary bridemaid" (you're a good enough friend to have to buy the dress, but not good enough to stand beside me...no way), but if I actually could invite all of these ladies to my wedding, I would seat them together and ask them to wear the same color.  They would be considered honorary bridesmaids.  I think having a separate party with just sorority sisters is similar to that...I'm just still not totally comfortable with having that and then not having them at my wedding.
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  • d2vad2va member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    I would feel odd if you were doing a local wedding and I wasnt invited to the ceremony / reception but only to the shower.

    If it was a destination wedding I would not be offended, but I would think that you were "gift grabbing" or what ever you want to call it either way.

    Very weird situation...


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  • ashleyalvizashleyalviz
    First Comment
    i would find it rude if i were invited to a friends shower and not wedding.
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