HELP!

Re: HELP!

• lallerton16 member

  

  April 2013

  My FI and I  are in the same situation with living together and not needing many things, however we were able to get a list of about 130 items (most kitchen tools, and other upgraded kitchen items, plus we luckily just upgraded from a queen to a king so that helped out). But we're inviting about 250 people, so we definitely don't have enough on the list, as per ettiquette. 

  
  

  How about a honeymoon registry? My FI wasn't fond of the idea because he'd rather money haha but I thought it was a cool idea because it'd be something you could actually use. Plus, we're doing an all-inclusive so I feel guilty wanting to do an excusion or something else that costs money off the resort. So that's an idea
  

  
  

  Or the Macy's dream fund registry may be an option for you, for down the line? I wasn't fond of the idea myself when they tried to sign me up for it, because if someone's going to give me a gift card towards bedroom items or bathroom items, why wouldn't they just buy the gift for me off the registry? ha but it may work for you, you'd have to check but I'm sure they don't expire, and you can use them years from now when you decide to make some upgrades to things you already have. 

  

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• misshart00 member

  

  April 2013

  Just keep telling people you're not registered anywhere because you don't need anything. However, you might want to register for a few small things or you'll receive several white elephant gifts. A honeymoon registry is inappropriate because it is deceptive and is asking for cash. Asking directly for cash in any form is considered rude.

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• teachmegs1 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:4dcd8406-736b-41d4-94df-a0f480a09ce1">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Oh my, how dare these stubborn, idiot people want to get you a gift. Seriously? Gifts are a part of weddings. You are making this way more difficult than it is and insulting your guests in the meantime. Is it really that hard to put a few items on a registry?
  Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]
  
  It's kind of hard to walk into a store and register for things that you don't want, nor need. I circled around Target and Macys for about 2 hours thinking of more things to put on ours because we didn't have enough items/guest count as etiquette would suggest. I have about 30-35 items left between both registires for our wedding which will have over 200 guests. I won't be adding anything more to it.  I don't think it's insulting the guest at all. I think it's a waste of my time and the guests to go out and buy something that I know, I'll probably turn around and return right after the fact.  Not to mention, write a Thank You note with "fluffy bs" about a gift that I have no intention of using.

  

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• FurtureMrsMJG

  

  April 2013

  No, I do not think it is insulting to not want to register to recieve gifts.  I don't want my friends and family wasting hard earned money on us for items we don't need.  Honestly are trying not to be selfish, we just want friends and family to come and celebrate with us.  Presence over presents...  I also asked my friends and family to not throw me/us a bridal shower or engagement party.  I do not find it necessary. 
  
  "They aren't trying to make things difficult. They are trying to buy you a gift and you are being a pain about it. "
  I dont really think I am being a pain by saving our guests the time and money from buying a gift that is not needed. 

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• JoanE2012 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:dc7eee88-dcf1-40fa-a5fa-79e02d859de1">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]No, I do not think it is insulting to not want to register to recieve gifts.  I don't want my friends and family wasting hard earned money on us for items we don't need.  Honestly are trying not to be selfish, we just want friends and family to come and celebrate with us.  Presence over presents...  I also asked my friends and family to not throw me/us a bridal shower or engagement party.  I do not find it necessary.  "They aren't trying to make things difficult. They are trying to buy you a gift and you are being a pain about it. " I dont really think I am being a pain by saving our guests the time and money from buying a gift that is not needed. 
  Posted by mjbriggs[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>No matter what you tell people (presence over presents!), people will always buy gifts.</div><div>
  </div><div>Many couples are in the same position as OP.  Living together, on their own, marrying later in life, etc.  I find it VERY difficult to believe that one couldn't find anything they needed an upgrade on.  Maybe a fresh change or look for a room?  New sheets or a comforter for the bedroom?  New towels or shower curtain for the bathroom?   New pots or baking pans for the kitchen?
  
  </div>

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• hoffse member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:440773c1-e3dc-4204-80a8-8682771352da">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! : It's kind of hard to walk into a store and register for things that you don't want, nor need. I circled around Target and Macys for about 2 hours thinking of more things to put on ours because we didn't have enough items/guest count as etiquette would suggest. I have about 30-35 items left between both registires for our wedding which will have over 200 guests. I won't be adding anything more to it.  I don't think it's insulting the guest at all. I think it's a waste of my time and the guests to go out and buy something that I know, I'll probably turn around and return right after the fact.  <strong>Not to mention, write a Thank You note with "fluffy bs" about a gift that I have no intention of using.</strong>
  Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>I think that's uncalled for - hopefully you are able to write a heartfelt thank you note whether you will use the item or not.  You are thanking the guest for their consideration and the money they spent trying to get you something nice.  Resenting five minutes of your life and $0.46 in thanking them properly is really unnecessary and comes off as really rude in your post.  Thank you notes are NOT a big deal.</div><div>
  </div><div>OP register for things that wear out - sheets, towels, small appliances (coffee makers break like clockwork), even lawn care items that rust, etc.  It doesn't need to be long, but not everybody will give you cash.  I am someboody that never ever gives cash because I don't want the bride and groom knowing exactly how much I spent.  I am usually able to stack coupons, etc. to get a nice physical item off a registry.  If people are asking, it's because they want to give you something that they know is to your taste.</div><div>
  </div><div>People will get you gifts, whether you find it inconvenient or not.  This is a wedding - it's what people do.  Go ahead and accept that now.  The nice thing about registries is I can get you something that I know is to your taste - if you don't have one, you will receive a nice (but generic) something in crystal from me.  The crystal platter is my go-to gift for people with no registries or really tiny registries (when there's nothing else on there in my price range).   And really, you should be grateful for it.  The majority of our guests spent upwards of $100 on a wedding gift for us. Many spent a lot more than that. People were incredibly generous, and it would have been rude and snotty for me to turn my nose up at that sort of thoughtfulness.  Even the off-registry gifts were incredibly thoughtful.  H's uncle restored an antique anniversary clock for us.  My uncle painted us several watercolors - he is a professional artist.  My MOH gave us a gift basket from New England where she is from, stuffed with local goodies.  One of my mother's friends embroidered pillowcases for us. As you can see, some people really put thought into wedding gifts, and for those who are less creative the registry is an excellent guide.</div><div>
  </div><div>Honeymoon registries are deceptive and charity registries are just asking for trouble, like you mentioned.  If you can't find upgrades then don't register - but do try to accept physical gifts with grace and gratitude, whether they are items you would have picked out or not.</div>

  

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• hoffse member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:dc7eee88-dcf1-40fa-a5fa-79e02d859de1">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]No, I do not think it is insulting to not want to register to recieve gifts.  I<strong> don't want my friends and family wasting hard earned money on us for items we don't need. </strong> Honestly are trying not to be selfish, we just want friends and family to come and celebrate with us.  Presence over presents...  I also asked my friends and family to not throw me/us a bridal shower or engagement party.  I do not find it necessary.  "They aren't trying to make things difficult. They are trying to buy you a gift and you are being a pain about it. " I dont really think I am being a pain by saving our guests the time and money from buying a gift that is not needed. 
  Posted by mjbriggs[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Unfortunately, you can't tell people what to do with their money.  One of H's groomsmen bought us the $300 coffe pot in our china pattern yesterday.  I nearly choked because he is in his 20's and I really don't think he should be spending that much on a wedding gift.  We registered for it intending for it to be a group gift if we received it all (we didn't think we would).  Guess what?  That's what he chose to give.  He didn't ask us, he didn't talk to us about it, he just did it.  And it would be so incredibly rude and frankly really condescending if I told him, "I'm sorry I can't accept such a generous gift."  It is absolutely none of my business how he chooses to spend his money, and H and I are very grateful for his generosity. </div><div>
  </div><div>All this presence is better than presents thing is nice in theory, but it's completely unrealistic. People give gifts at weddings.  I would never EVER attend a wedding without a gift.  In fact, I send gifts to weddings that I CAN'T attend.  I buy wedding gifts even when H and I aren't invited.  It's something we to do as a way of congratulating the couple on this major milestone in life.  And we received gifts from probably 2/3 of our guestlist, whether they could attend or not.  We also got about 10-15 gifts from people we didn't invite.  It's what people do.</div><div>
  </div><div>Get over this now because I can almost promise you that your friends and family will think you're being ungrateful at best and condescending at worst if you keep telling them not to buy you something.</div><div>
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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  April 2013

  I don't find it condescending or ungrateful to not register if you truly don't want anything. I agree that you might consider items like towels or sheets--things you can always use extras of--because many people will buy you physical gifts regardless of a registry and this way you are getting something you would potentially use. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "Actually we aren't registered anywhere" when asked to provide registry information. Yes, guests typically will bring gifts but this does not require anyone to register.
  
  I understand being uncomfortable telling people what to get you, but their hearts are in the right place when they ask, OP. They aren't trying to be difficult--they are actually trying to be considerate and get you something you would use, so I do think you could change your attitude about that. Is there something you are saving up for? Like a big purchase? It's totally OK to respond, "We aren't registered anywhere; right now we're just saving up for ______." You may get cash that way, but you aren't directly asking for cash so it's OK etiquette-wise and it at least gives them a vague idea about what you might like.

  
  
  
  
  

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• hoffse member

  

  April 2013

  I'm envisioning her saying something to the effect of, "I don't want you to spend money on us!  You don't need to do that!" over and over and over again. That actually IS condescending - you are telling guests how to operate their finances and depending on how you say this, some guests could think you are telling them that they can't afford a gift.  I know your heart is in the right place, OP, but from your original post it sounds like your guests are starting to get frustrated with your response.  That's where I'm getting this interpretation from.  People could be taking it in a negative way, whether you mean to or not.  The more you say it, the more frustrating it becomes for somebody who tries to do something nice for you.  I have a friend who does this - everytime I try to treat her for dinner or lunch (even for her birthday) she declines over and over and over.  I end up having to drive the money over to her house and drop it in her mailbox.  A couple times she has returned it.  I know she doesn't mean to be annoying, but it's annoying.  I can afford to buy her lunch and once in awhile I like to do that.  She has never learned to accept gifts graciously.  This has actually offended a couple other people I know who have tried to give her something as well.  That is what I'm cautioning against.

  
  

  And again, yes it's fine not to register.  Just know you will get some boxed gifts that you might love or you might hate.  And you need to be prepared for most of your guestlist to get you something.

  

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• teachmegs1 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:0a281693-0812-4c45-bc27-7a4047cda72f">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! : I think that's uncalled for - hopefully you are able to write a heartfelt thank you note whether you will use the item or not.  You are thanking the guest for their consideration and the money they spent trying to get you something nice.  Resenting five minutes of your life and $0.46 in thanking them properly is really unnecessary and comes off as really rude in your post.  Thank you notes are NOT a big deal. OP register for things that wear out - sheets, towels, small appliances (coffee makers break like clockwork), even lawn care items that rust, etc.  It doesn't need to be long, but not everybody will give you cash.  I am someboody that never ever gives cash because I don't want the bride and groom knowing exactly how much I spent.  I am usually able to stack coupons, etc. to get a nice physical item off a registry.  If people are asking, it's because they want to give you something that they know is to your taste. People will get you gifts, whether you find it inconvenient or not.  This is a wedding - it's what people do.  Go ahead and accept that now.  The nice thing about registries is I can get you something that I know is to your taste - if you don't have one, you will receive a nice (but generic) something in crystal from me.  The crystal platter is my go-to gift for people with no registries or really tiny registries (when there's nothing else on there in my price range).   And really, you should be grateful for it.  The majority of our guests spent upwards of $100 on a wedding gift for us. Many spent a lot more than that. People were incredibly generous, and it would have been rude and snotty for me to turn my nose up at that sort of thoughtfulness.  Even the off-registry gifts were incredibly thoughtful.  H's uncle restored an antique anniversary clock for us.  My uncle painted us several watercolors - he is a professional artist.  My MOH gave us a gift basket from New England where she is from, stuffed with local goodies.  One of my mother's friends embroidered pillowcases for us. As you can see, some people really put thought into wedding gifts, and for those who are less creative the registry is an excellent guide. Honeymoon registries are deceptive and charity registries are just asking for trouble, like you mentioned.  If you can't find upgrades then don't register - but do try to accept physical gifts with grace and gratitude, whether they are items you would have picked out or not.
  Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]
  
  What I meant by that was the fact you're writing them a Thank You for a gift that you have intentions of returning/not needing using/regifting ect..  Not that writing the Thank You was a waste of my time. Good grief.  I understand they took the time to buy it, but by registering for things I have already or do not need, kind of makes its a waste of their time to go and pick something out. The "fluffy bs" is the aspect of the note where I  may say; "Thank you so much for the ______.  They will look so lovely in our _____." Or "You know how much I love _____, this will go perfect with _____."

  

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• hoffse member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:cde4f613-6e49-4dbd-9e74-26f65a161b57Post:2e1a75cb-aa75-4471-9fb7-87314e1f3ade">Re: HELP!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! : What I meant by that was the fact you're writing them a Thank You for a gift that you have intentions of returning/not needing using/regifting ect..  Not that writing the Thank You was a waste of my time. Good grief.  I understand they took the time to buy it, but by registering for things I have already or do not need, kind of makes its a waste of their time to go and pick something out. The "fluffy bs" is the aspect of the note where I  may say; "Thank you so much for the ______.  They will look so lovely in our _____." Or "You know how much I love _____, this will go perfect with _____."
  Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>
  </div><div>Nobody has said to register for things you don't want or need.  It's fine not to register or to register for very little, but then you need to be gracious when somebody selects a physical gift for you that you didn't pick out.  It happens.  About 90% of our gifts were boxed, and even though we had large regsitries we still received a number of off-registry gifts.  The percentage of off-registry gifts increases with no registry or a small registry.  That's all anybody is saying.</div><div>
  </div><div>I object to the "fluffy BS" comment because it really does sound ungrateful.  Surely you can find something genuinely nice to say on a 3x4 card. It's not like you have to fill up a bunch of space.  Nobody is telling you to lie to your guests in a thank you note - even if you don't want the gift, you can express your gratitude at the time, thought, and effort they put into selecting something for you. </div>

  

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• FurtureMrsMJG

  

  April 2013

  Thank you everyone for your input,  I in no way am trying to be rude, ungrateful, or tell other people what to do, especially with their money. I realize it is a wedding and people do give gifts, I just personally feel that gifts even money are not necessary for us as a couple.  I promise I am not trying to be difficult, it is just thoughts going through my head and was looking for ideas.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  April 2013 edited April 2013

  You're fine not to register.  Just be mindful of how you come off when people ask you about it.  Phrase it more toward "oh, we don't have a registry.  We don't really need anything around the house"  or "Don't feel obligated to get us anything; we're much more interested in seeing you there to celebrate with us."  

  
  

  Most guests will end up giving you money.  Either way, be gratious and thank them for the gift, even if you know it's going to end up getting donated the next day.  

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