In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(

mrazkith · April 2013

I'm 24 and newly engaged, while I couldn't be happier with my new fiance, my inlaws have done a 180 and are truly ruining this wedding planning experience.

It all boils down to money. My fiances parents are refusing to help us with the wedding (my parents passed away so we have no one on my side either). They agree to host the rehearsal dinner, but other than that we are on our own. While I do not mind paying for my own wedding, their guest list and "demands" are getting ridiculous. They gave me a list that was almost half of our entire guest list.

They read that it is custom to have about half family in attendance and half friends, coworks, ect. While I don't have much family, only a few cousins that are coming, they decided to fill those seats with their friends who neither I nor my fiance know.

Please tell me how to deal with crazy, demanding in laws! I feel like I am always the bad person...."bridezilla" if you will, but I'm only standing up for myself and not allowing his parents to walk all over us.

bethsmiles · April 2013

You are paying so they don't get a say. Tell them they can invite X number of people because that is what you can afford and then don't talk wedding plans with them. Don't be rude but don't be a doormat either.

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-laws-are-destroying-my-wedding-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec144487-4f0d-4d7d-bb37-d3d9b0d6c14cPost:b27d715f-7249-4ca2-ac1b-44b82249b68a">In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 24 and newly engaged, while I couldn't be happier with my new fiance, my inlaws have done a 180 and are truly ruining this wedding planning experience. It all boils down to money. My fiances parents are refusing to help us with the wedding (my parents passed away so we have no one on my side either). They agree to host the rehearsal dinner, but other than that we are on our own. While I do not mind paying for my own wedding, their guest list and "demands" are getting ridiculous. They gave me a list that was almost half of our entire guest list. They read that it is custom to have about half family in attendance and half friends, coworks, ect. While I don't have much family, only a few cousins that are coming, they decided to fill those seats with their friends who neither I nor my fiance know. Please tell me how to deal with crazy, demanding in laws! I feel like I am always the bad person...."bridezilla" if you will, but I'm only standing up for myself and not allowing his parents to walk all over us.
Posted by mrazkith[/QUOTE]

They have no financial obligations to you in the wedding. And you have no guest list obligations to them since you are paying. You and your fiance should pick your guests out together. If they want to add guests, they can offer to pay for those guests.

Note of caution - don't deal with your inlaws directly on negative issues. Let your fiance do that. It took a long time for me to learn that one.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

It's your FI's responsibility to reign them in. If he won't do that then you have bigger problems on your hands.

melb2013 · April 2013

To echo everyone else, your FI needs to be the one doing the communicating with his family. He needs to be a grown up and tell his parents no. You and your FI can decide to compromise with them, but that is your choice. We started by making many compromises that just never seemed to be enough. It finally all blew up in our faces. I don't regret trying to compromise though- it showed that we were taking the higher road and they were being babies.

But I can't stress this enough- I've been through hell with my in laws, but I've never once said anything directly to them. My FI has spoken to them on every turn. Even when they tried to make me look bad, he stood up for me and told them these were OUR decisions- if they couldn't learn to respect those decisions then they were not welcome in our lives.

This may test your relationship. It tested our relationship and we are much stronger because of it. Good luck. You can always vent here- I have.

AddieCake · April 2013

Ditto PPs. Your fiance needs to tell them that you are paying for the wedding yourselves and have a tight budget and cannot afford to let them invite so many people. And Mel is right. It could be a big test for your relationship, but it needs to be handled that way or you will forever have these people try to run over you.

ErinElizabethR · April 2013

Just have your fianc tell your future in laws "Because our budget is X we cannot afford to have you double our guest list, and therefore double our budget. Your friends will not be invited. This is the last conversation about the guestlist we will have." They're not paying so they can't force you to invite anyone. If they back out of hosting the rehersal dinner, it's no big deal. they're not required. As far as I know I'm not having a rehearsal dinner. You can always have an informal BBQ or pizza and cheap beer at your place.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

When you pay, you get to set the guest list. I'm sure they don't quite understand that because all the stuff they are reading likely was written by someone who had no clue on etiquette and assumes the parents of the bride are paying.

I'm having a good sized destination wedding. My parents are friends with some people that I despise, and I really dislike my father's drinking buddies. If they were paying, I couldn't really say no to them inviting these people. We eliminated that problem by taking on the responsibility of planning and paying for our wedding. We told both sets of parents they only get 2 invitations to give out to friends not already on the guest list. And we get veto power when they pick who they want to invite. They aren't really happy with that, but they respect it and haven't put up much of a fight over it.

This is a place where you can exert some authority without being a 'zilla. You pay, you choose. And, it'll be up to you and your FI whether to give his parents the option to pay for additional guests. You could simply say no. But, let your FI deal with them. They are his parents and he's known them longer.

NantucketBride12 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-laws-are-destroying-my-wedding-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec144487-4f0d-4d7d-bb37-d3d9b0d6c14cPost:a85c585b-78b5-44b8-a2ac-fe82ac312002">Re: In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(</a>:
[QUOTE]You are paying so they don't get a say. Tell them they can invite X number of people because that is what you can afford and then don't talk wedding plans with them. Don't be rude but don't be a doormat either.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

<div>This completely. After figuring out your venue, give them the total number of people they can invite. It's up to them to prioritize friends vs. family. </div>

nycrose2013 · April 2013

Your money, your say. I understand you are disappointed in them, and they sound very demanding for people who haven't contributed at all. Maybe they think having the rehearsal dinner gives them some power over you. I would have your Fi tell them politely that you are going to host your own rehearsal dinner, or skip it entirely. And then don't give them any more details

[Deleted User] · April 2013

I don't have anything else to add that other posters haven't already said except good luck, I hope it works out.

zantster · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-laws-are-destroying-my-wedding-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec144487-4f0d-4d7d-bb37-d3d9b0d6c14cPost:b27d715f-7249-4ca2-ac1b-44b82249b68a">In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(</a>:
[QUOTE] They gave me a list that was almost half of our entire guest list. They read that it is custom to have about half family in attendance and half friends, coworks, ect. While I don't have much family, only a few cousins that are coming, they decided to fill those seats with their friends who neither I nor my fiance know. Please tell me how to deal with crazy, demanding in laws! I feel like I am always the bad person...."bridezilla" if you will, but I'm only standing up for myself and not allowing his parents to walk all over us.
Posted by mrazkith[/QUOTE]
Ok...they gave you a list. You didn't ask for their list. You are under no obligation to follow their list. You and your FI are paying so your FI can just graciously take the list and say thanks we'll look this over and do the best we can to be inclusive. Do not confirm one way or another who is or is not invited. Do not EVER give them access to a copy of your and your FI's guest list. Do not lie. Just do not share too much information. They are not entitled to know every detail of your decisions beyond the rehearsal dinner. If they ask you if everyone on their list has been invited, just tell them you and your FI are doing the best you can to be inclusive and are still working on it. Once the invites go out if they want to know if someone in particular has been put on the list you can let them know if they did or did not make the list. If not, just say that you couldn't afford to accommodate everyone but did the best you could. If they don't understand. Too bad. The main thing is you did not lie.

Kate61487 · April 2013

PPs have covered it pretty well; I just wanted to re-emphasize that, like msu said even if you give them X seats you can always retain veto power. Your FI could tell them, up front, that you will not be inviting anyone you two don't know. The main thing is just to make sure you two are on the same page and that he communicates what you BOTH decided to his parents.

no joke - H and I rehearsed conversations he was going to have with his mother b/c, while he supported/agreed with me, he didn't really care about some of the details and if she'd said "but why" he would have been pressed to come up with a reason beyond "Kate doesn't like it...."

MoxieMickie · April 2013

Just to add to tye great advice: you do not have to invite a single person bc they want you to. It's easiest for family dynamics if you invite in circles ie, all aunts, not just the two you like. They are not entitled to have any friends whom you don't know just as you would not be entitled to invite strangers to Christmas dinner.

ErinElizabethR · April 2013

In Response to Re:Inlaws are destroying my wedding experience ::[QUOTE]Just to add to tye great advice: you do not have to invite a single person bc they want you to. It's easiest for family dynamics if you invite in circles ie, all aunts, not just the two you like. They are not entitled to have any friends whom you don't know just as you would not be entitled to invite strangers to Christmas dinner. Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]
I just want to add, Inviting in circles depends on individual family dynamics and your relationship with the person. I only met my one of my dad's brothers twice and if he were still alive I wouldn't have invited him. So if they're are like 3rd cousins who your FI is really close too, like he talks too every week, and 1st cousins he has never met I think it's okay to invite the 3rd cousin and not the 1st.

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

Think of yourself as a nation, and your in-laws as another nation. Use your FI as an ambassador, and communicate almost solely through him.

There are no set ratios with the guest list, don't confine yourself based on an arbitrary number in an article somewhere. In our wedding, I put a heavy emphasis on family, and so we had maybe 10% of guests as friends.

krose83013 · April 2013

You are paying so you and your fiance need to have a conversation with them that you cannot afford to host all of these guests. Especially if you don't know them. Stick up for yourself or else this will likely continue.

arendiva · April 2013

Stand you ground. No pay no say. More tot he point it's ridiculous that they expect the two our you to cut your friends so they can invite theirs when it is your wedding.

OjitosVerdes · April 2013

I empathize with you. We are paying for our wedding as well, and my FI has a huge family. At a family get together shortly after we got engaged, one of his aunts joked that his family's guest list would be "at least 300 people". Ha ha ha. No.

What we did that worked splendidly is first come up with the total that we could invite based on our budget. We then created our own list of our closest friends and family - people we would absolutely want to be there. We subtracted that number from the total we could invite, split the difference in half and told each of our sets of parents that they could invited exactly "X" number of people. We knew if we requested guests lists from each of them we'd be in trouble numbers wise, and handling it this way prevented having to ask our families to make huge cuts to lists they had come up with.

I know your FI's family has already created their own list, but I'd still suggest you do what I explained above - figure out who the two of you want there, and then give his family a limit. They'll just have to re-create their list.

ETS, I absolutely agree with the OPs that your FI needs to deal with his parents, however - you should be a united front, but he needs to be having the conversations with them.

MoxieMickie · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-laws-are-destroying-my-wedding-experience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec144487-4f0d-4d7d-bb37-d3d9b0d6c14cPost:53044f8b-7e47-426b-8258-a79858c8b2f5">Re:Inlaws are destroying my wedding experience :</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Inlaws are destroying my wedding experience :: I just want to add, Inviting in circles depends on individual family dynamics and your relationship with the person. I only met my one of my dad's brothers twice and if he were still alive I wouldn't have invited him. So if they're are like 3rd cousins who your FI is really close too, like he talks too every week, and 1st cousins he has never met I think it's okay to invite the 3rd cousin and not the 1st.
Posted by ErinElizabethR[/QUOTE]

Absolutely, and thanks, Erin, for giving a more nuanced example. A test can be to think of the reason you aren't inviting someone. "I only see Bev at weddings and funerals, but I keep in touch with Joe" is different than "I just don't like Bev." You're allowed not to invite someone for any reason, but the social consequences can be harder when it's "I don't like you" as opposed to "I don't know you well."

Jen4948 · April 2013

If they don't want to pay, they don't get a say.

Tell them together with your FI that you are fine paying for everything, but that means that you and your FI will choose the guest list and make all other decisions without their input.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2013

"Unfortunately, our budget won't allow us to invite that many people. We will have to narrow this list down to X number of guests. You can eliminate people if you'd like, or we can do it for you."

Also, we had 68 people at my wedding, including us, and less than 20 were family members, by blood or marriage/relationship. The rest were our friends. (Yes, ours, our parents were lovely and since they weren't paying, they didn't push to invite their friends. It was also across the country from where they lived, so I assume none of their friends would have come anyway.) However, when my parents got married they had about 185 people and 100 of those at least were my dad's family. My SIL is getting married this summer and her parents (who are mostly paying) thought the wedding would be like 50-60, and because of the groom's family, it's 100. Some people have larger families. Some families have expectations that everyone gets invited. But you do have a budget and you need to keep within it.

In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(

Re: In-laws are destroying my wedding experience :(

Choose Another Board

Search Boards