Should I Ask Him?...

MostlyRoses · April 2013

Okay. So we've been together for over 4 years, have lived in the same house for 3 years and he still gets weird talking about marriage, family or kids.
I love this man dearly! He's supportive, strong, logical, loyal and I KNOW he's crazy about me...so why hasn't he asked me to marry him yet?
I want it to be his idea so I try not to bring it up. I am so proud of him and I always refer to him as my husband. He refers to me as his girlfriend

His longest relationship and ugliest lasted 4 years. We've passed that and are pushing 5 years.
She broke his heart and I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of him asking me to marry him.
He's such a traditional soul, quite the gentleman...but if he doesn't man up soon I feel I might have to wear the pants long enough to ask him myself.
His ex didn't deserve him and I know I do so WHY did she get a proposal and I didn't?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?!

ravenray · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:202cde8a-3714-4a27-980a-d184af067856">Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. So we've been together for over 4 years, have lived in the same house for 3 years and he still gets weird talking about marriage, family or kids. I love this man dearly! He's supportive, strong, logical, loyal and I KNOW he's crazy about me...so why hasn't he asked me to marry him yet? I want it to be his idea so I try not to bring it up. I am so proud of him and I always refer to him as my husband. He refers to me as his girlfriend :/ His longest relationship and ugliest lasted 4 years. We've passed that and are pushing 5 years. She broke his heart and I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of him asking me to marry him. He's such a traditional soul, quite the gentleman...but if he doesn't man up soon I feel I might have to wear the pants long enough to ask him myself. His ex didn't deserve him and I know I do so WHY did she get a proposal and I didn't? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?!
Posted by MostlyRoses[/QUOTE]
Why can't you just talk to him about it? There is nothing wrong with discussing a timeline and you frankly should. You can ask him to marry you but I would at least talk with him about marriage. If he isn't ready, you asking him won't make him ready.

Swazzle · April 2013

If you can't discuss marriage and your future with your SO then you shouldn't be getting engaged/married. Also, I really don't get why you call him your husband when he's your boyfriend.

audrewuh · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:202cde8a-3714-4a27-980a-d184af067856">Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. So we've been together for over 4 years, have lived in the same house for 3 years and he still gets weird talking about marriage, family or kids. I love this man dearly! He's supportive, strong, logical, loyal and I KNOW he's crazy about me...so why hasn't he asked me to marry him yet? I want it to be his idea so I try not to bring it up. I am so proud of him and <strong>I always refer to him as my husband</strong>. He refers to me as his girlfriend :/ His longest relationship and ugliest lasted 4 years. We've passed that and are pushing 5 years. She broke his heart and I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of him asking me to marry him. He's such a traditional soul, quite the gentleman...but if he doesn't man up soon I feel I might have to wear the pants long enough to ask him myself. His ex didn't deserve him and I know I do so WHY did she get a proposal and I didn't? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?!
Posted by MostlyRoses[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. This is what you're doing wrong. </div><div>
</div><div>You should probably propose to him though. Sooner the better, so you're not wasting any more time waiting around for him.

</div>

RoBiNSpArKlEs93 · April 2013

I can't believe he hasn't proposed to you yet... Does he get angry when you try and talk to him? He's living with you, so obviously he likes you a whole lot. You probably just aren't being forward enough with your hints.

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:202cde8a-3714-4a27-980a-d184af067856">Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. So we've been together for over 4 years, have lived in the same house for 3 years and he still gets weird talking about marriage, family or kids. I love this man dearly! He's supportive, strong, logical, loyal and I KNOW he's crazy about me...so why hasn't he asked me to marry him yet? I want it to be his idea so I try not to bring it up. I am so proud of him and I always refer to him as my husband. He refers to me as his girlfriend :/ His longest relationship and ugliest lasted 4 years. We've passed that and are pushing 5 years. She broke his heart and I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of him asking me to marry him. He's such a traditional soul, quite the gentleman...but if he doesn't man up soon I feel I might have to wear the pants long enough to ask him myself. <strong>His ex didn't deserve him and I know I do so WHY did she get a proposal and I didn't?</strong> What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?!
Posted by MostlyRoses[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>1. You are not his ex. You do not have the same relationship with him that she did. Quit comparing the two.</div><div>
</div><div>2. Why on earth would you call him your husband if he's your boyfriend? That's a lot of an overstep.</div><div>
</div><div>3 (bolded). She probably let things develop naturally, had adult conversations with him about where they saw their future going, and didn't refer to him as her husband when they were dating. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>If you can't sit down and have a serious conversation with your BF about where you are, where you want to be, and how you both get there together, you aren't old enough or mature enough to get married. It doesn't have to be intense. Just "Boyfriend, we've been together for a while, and I like to think that we're moving towards eventually getting married and starting a family. What are your thoughts on where we are, and what kind of a timeline you have in mind." You don't have to say it like that, obviously, but you get the idea. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>In other news, this is the third topic about someone not being able to have a rational conversation with their BF today. Is there something in the water? Should I stop drinking it? My water at work did taste funny.</div>

mymissingpuzzlepiece · April 2013

MUD Maybe? I mean trolls are back in action...

zantster · April 2013

You either want the same thing or you don't. There's nothing wrong with him. And there's nothing wrong with you. He doesn't need to be fixed to accommodate your plans. And calling him your husband is not going to miraculously make him want to marry you. If he has not brought it up by now or responded positively when you talk about it, I'm just going to say that he's probably just not that into you enough to take that next step even though I'm sure he cares about you a lot.

Don't be that girl that waits around for years and then he meets someone and proposes to her within a year. Talk to him and be honest about what you want. If he's not interested then it's not fair to you for him to hold on to your time exclusively. You might need to tell him that you're opening up your options and allowing yourself to date others as well. That doesn't mean you should give him an ultimatum. Just that he can't continue to be the only one in your life with no progress.

Don't get me wrong, some women are fine with dating for 10-20 years with no talk of marriage and they are comfortable with that. But if you're not that type of woman then you have a right to be with someone who's on the same page as you.

Stina51286 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:202cde8a-3714-4a27-980a-d184af067856">Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. So we've been together for over 4 years, have lived in the same house for 3 years and he still gets weird talking about marriage, family or kids. I love this man dearly! He's supportive, strong, logical, loyal and I KNOW he's crazy about me...so why hasn't he asked me to marry him yet? I want it to be his idea so I try not to bring it up. I am so proud of him and I always refer to him as my husband. He refers to me as his girlfriend :/ His longest relationship and ugliest lasted 4 years. We've passed that and are pushing 5 years. She broke his heart and I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of him asking me to marry him. He's such a traditional soul, quite the gentleman...but if he doesn't man up soon I feel I might have to wear the pants long enough to ask him myself. His ex didn't deserve him and I know I do so WHY did she get a proposal and I didn't? <strong>What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?!
</strong>Posted by MostlyRoses[/QUOTE]

You forgot to look up the recipe for Engagement Chicken. Every girl has made an engagement chicken, come on, I cannot believe you didn't know that. Maybe his ex put the wrong seasonings on it?

Hummingbird125 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:373c953c-e2e4-4251-b92b-aab2fbdaf7a0">Re: Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Should I Ask Him?... : You forgot to look up the recipe for Engagement Chicken. Every girl has made an engagement chicken, come on, I cannot believe you didn't know that. Maybe his ex put the wrong seasonings on it?
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

<div>Mystery solved!</div>

formerlyCooper · April 2013

Lay your timeline out for him in the most neutral way possible. There is no harm telling him where you need to be in X amount of time, especially in a well established relationship. Why are you so reticent to discuss something that directly affects your future with him?

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:373c953c-e2e4-4251-b92b-aab2fbdaf7a0">Re: Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Should I Ask Him?... : You forgot to look up the recipe for Engagement Chicken. Every girl has made an engagement chicken, come on, I cannot believe you didn't know that. Maybe his ex put the wrong seasonings on it?
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

<div>You might have to alter your meat. I have a recipe for Engagement Duck, Engagement Lamb, and Engagement Pork Roast. It's all a matter of taste.</div>

Stina51286 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:d069b221-1e1c-4e90-acd5-ead96f299427">Re: Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Ask Him?... : You might have to alter your meat. I have a recipe for Engagement Duck, Engagement Lamb, and Engagement Pork Roast. It's all a matter of taste.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Oh good point, a duck would probably be a good idea. Plusalso, now that the ice rink is probably thawed, you could find more ducks there. Just as long as she hunted it herself. It has more meaning behind it then.

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

You need to talk to him. I was with a guy for 3 years once, with no conversations about going forward, and I started to get antsy. So I sat him down. It went something like this:

Me: "I don't feel we're moving forward, and I want to know your expectations on how long is acceptable to wait to make a committment."

Him: "I don't see the rush, why can't we just wait?"

Me: ".... how long are you talking about? 4 years, 5, years... 6?"

Him: "What's wrong with 6 years"

Me: " The man I need is a man who isn't willing to risk losing me by stringing me along for 6 years on 'maybe'. I'm done."

MostlyRoses · April 2013

Thanks everyone for your feedback!
I've tried bringing things up with him before and I just get the sense he's scared.
It doesn't bother him that I call him my husband and every once in awhile he slips and calls me his wife, but usually it's "girlfriend".
I'm also 20 years younger than him so I think it's easier for him to call me "girl". I can't call him my "boyfriend". He's a man.
We are common-law and have changed our marital staus to that so...
I think the only logical thing to do now is make him an engagement chicken

Thanks guys!

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-ask-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b4857dc-33ac-486d-8c94-55b35f6ce9e0Post:56e93ea5-645a-4181-a74a-12d71489fc72">Re: Should I Ask Him?...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your feedback! I've tried bringing things up with him before and I just get the sense he's scared. It doesn't bother him that I call him my husband and every once in awhile he slips and calls me his wife, but usually it's "girlfriend". I'm also 20 years younger than him so I think it's easier for him to call me "girl".<strong> I can't call him my "boyfriend". He's a man.</strong> We are common-law and have changed our marital staus to that so... I think the only logical thing to do now is make him an engagement chicken :) Thanks guys!
Posted by MostlyRoses[/QUOTE]

<div>But he's not your husband.</div>

annmarie714 · April 2013

You just sound BSC with calling him your husband when you're "only" his girlfriend. Legit--can't believe you get mad over that.

You sound super needy and whiney and with a 20 year age difference, it's possible he sees you the same way.

I doubt you're common law. Common law marriages are barely recognized in many states nowdays. You're just trying to cover up your BSC-ness.

MostlyRoses · April 2013

Thanks to everyone for your kind (and sometimes not so kind but needed) responses.
I did sit him down and told him how much I loved him and that I on'y want to be able to talk about marriage with him comfortably.
It's so funny...
He confessed to me that he would have asked me to marry him a long time ago but that he didn't know my ring size! LOL.
He's been nervous because he wanted to find out my ring size without me knowing BUt he didn't know how to do it.
I've called him my husband because, here in Canada, you're common-law after 1 year living together. I also know it doesn't bother him but that it fills him with pride. He hasn't called me his wife because he wanted it to be official.
He's also been nervous about saying a speech.lol.
So glad it's all out in the open with him now.
I never doubted his love or commitment.
I only doubted that we might not be wanting the same thing out of this relationship.
Good thing for both of us - I brought it up.
Thanks for the support and advice!
-Mostly Roses

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