NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective

rusngl2 · April 2013

OK,

I have a daughter who is currenlty going to college full time and working part time, she's 19 (YeaH!) I am extremely proud of her and the majority of decisions she has made in her life. Currently she takes her money, that she earns to buy whatever the devil she wants.

I pay her phone bill, car insurance and occasionally give her money for school fees, housing deposits and whatnot.

I want to start having her pay some of her own bills, not because I need the money but I think it will help her get used to the idea that you have to pay for neccessities before you have fun. I'm I being unreasonable?

My plan is to take the money she's paying me for "bills" and setting it aside for either a nice college graduation present or a new car for her that she desperately needs.

ravenray · April 2013

I think it's totally reasonable to have her pay for some stuff. I had to pay for stuff like gas and my phone bill at 18.

Why would you be worried that you shouldn't ask her to do this?

leia1979 · April 2013

It's been awhile since I was 20, but here's my take. I think it depends how much she's earning. It sounds like she could contribute to the bills and still have a little spending money left over. If that's the case, I say go for it! If paying bills would leave her with no other money, then no (i.e. enough money to go out to dinner once in awhile).

When I was in college, I made about $50 a week. That was enough for food, some clothes, and a little bit of savings. I would have paid bills if my parents asked, but I just didn't make much. My parents wanted me to focus on school rather than work.

Blue & White · April 2013

I also agree that it depends how much she's earning.

But my parents did a similar type of thing with ALL of our car payments (kept the money for a grad present/etc). So I mean I think this is a semi-normal thing for parents to do.

I never had trouble saving as a 20-year old because I grew up my whole life with the expectation that SOME of my money would go to savings (actually, as a younger kid, MOST of my money went to savings). So it's never too early to start these things.

s-aries8990 · April 2013

I think that you should definitely have her pick up the slack for car insurance and cell phone, and some of the fees.

Is there a way that she can pay these directly? And you just take the money you save and put it aside instead of being a middleman?

If she pays you, she may try and put off paying you (I have friends who were like, well my mom pays it and I just give her money for it, so it doesn't matter if I miss a month) BUT I don't know you daughter.

ETA: Ditto what other people said about how much she earns vs how much the bills would be. She needs some money to do fun things.

moonraffe · April 2013

Is she going to pay you or actually pay the bills? I ask because of your "bills" in quotes. She should be paying the creditors directly, not you. Because it can backfire really quickly if she's just paying you. Are you going to charge late fees or let it slide if she misses a "payment?" Because all that will do is teach her she can be irresponsible when paying bills. Decide what she should pay for (such as cell phone) and have her directly interact with the carrier. FWIW I "paid" my own bills through college in the way that my parents gave me a stipend and I was responsible for making it work in regards to my utilities, groceries, etc. though they did take care of my tuition/rent to my school. This helped me since I actually had to budget a bit and look at the overall expenses. When I stayed at schoolone summer, I had to budget and figure out how to pay my rent without additional support from them (fortunately, rent was $200 for the whole summer...oh the 90s in the middle of nowhere Ohio!). I also remember the first time I didn't have money for a bill. I freaked out completely and started to panic, then I called the company (gas company) and talked to customer service, explaining that I would have the money in a few days (FYI-my roommate refused to pay her share of bills, it wasn't like I went crazy at the bar or something). That gave me a lesson that companies will work with you if you are nice and hav a good history as they moved my due date by a few days so it would work.

rusngl2 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-need-advice-from-a-20-year-old-perspective?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43033b37-12ab-4c82-aed0-a6ee8563b37ePost:bd817386-74de-4ba0-a035-f63620fa63d2">Re: NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's totally reasonable to have her pay for some stuff. I had to pay for stuff like gas and my phone bill at 18. Why would you be worried that you shouldn't ask her to do this?
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

<div>My hesitancy in asking her to do this is because of my history with my parents. When I graduated from high school, I got a set of luggage as a graduation present. When I came home from the ceremony my mom had packed it for me. </div><div>
</div><div>I've been working and paying bills since I was 16, I'm a product of messy divorce and my father is/was a less than nice person. I want her to be a kid for as long as resonable, but I think she's at the point where she needs to grow up a bit more before I turn her loose on the world. </div>

rusngl2 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-need-advice-from-a-20-year-old-perspective?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43033b37-12ab-4c82-aed0-a6ee8563b37ePost:8a93f3e4-c519-48f6-9a7a-4b4f5869308d">Re: NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective</a>:
[QUOTE]It's been awhile since I was 20, but here's my take. I think it depends how much she's earning. It sounds like she could contribute to the bills and still have a little spending money left over. If that's the case, I say go for it! If paying bills would leave her with no other money, then no (i.e. enough money to go out to dinner once in awhile). When I was in college, I made about $50 a week. That was enough for food, some clothes, and a little bit of savings. I would have paid bills if my parents asked, but I just didn't make much. My parents wanted me to focus on school rather than work.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

<div>Right now, she's making enough money to pay her insurance and cell phone bill with about $500 left over for incidentals. She lives on campus and has a meal plan so that's covered. She doesn't "like" the food on campus so she's eating out a lot. Not putting anything towards savings that I can see, unless she has an account somewhere that I don't know about. </div>

loves2shop4shoes · April 2013

Ummm... in college, my dad paid my rent (before I was an RA). I paid for EVERYTHING else, including my education itself.

I worked 3 jobs, and I was proud of myself for doing it on my own. Honestly, I think the only way you can appreciate money, or the realities of living as a grown up, is to have to take care of yourself financially. Sure, it's nice to have a parent who is willing to help in a crisis situation, but it's important to learn financial independence.

My mother was raised by uberrich parents. And she never learned to be financially responsible. She owns her apartment free and clear (mommy and daddy bought them) and her car free and clear (again, her parents bought them), and makes a very decent amount of money, and she still can't pay all her bills. It's because her parents never taught her to budget.

Don't make that same mistake. And I think it's awesome that you're willing to take all of that money and give her a large gift. That's awesome of you.

Peaseblossom55 · April 2013

Like Leia I think it depends how much she is earning and how she uses the money she does earn. If she earns enough to help pay for some of her bills I would start to transfer them over to her. If she spends all of the money she earns frivolously or isn't saving at all, I would definitely begin to transfer bills over to her to teach her to priortize her finances.

My parents paid for school, room and board, and pretty much everything, except for clothes, food and spending money. I did work a part time job and it allowed me to save up quite a bit of money. My parents were ok with paying know I was being financially responsible and saving to get a good start once I got out into the real world.

Sorry if this feels like on long run on sentence, sentence structure is a complete fail for me today.

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

I'm 23, so here's what we (me and my parents) did through college.

I was waiting tables for a couple years, got a decent gov't job for a year and a half, then TA'ed for a year. My income was variable, and my parents recognized that. In order to prevent screwing up my credit, until I got a steady job with a good income (this year), I've been paying the following bills to my mother, and she paid them directly. We did this so that I could cover them when I could cover them, but because things were dicey, it wouldn't hurt me when I couldn't.

From her account:

Phone

Car

Two Private SL's

From My Account:

Car Insurance

Two Federal SL's.

Now, everything is through my account except the cell phone, but I have an autopay to mom's account that goes every month for $30 or whatever in order to cover my share of the bill since I'm on her plan.

This system worked really well for us until I got on my feet. I pay all of my bills, I'm ahead on one of my student loans to the point where I had an issue getting paid this month, and was able to cancel the payment so I could pay rent without being penalized (my next payment is due at the end of 2015 on that one). Do I know that there are consequences about not paying bills? Yes. If I screwed up while I was paying mom, I got an earful. There weren't financial consequences at that time because she wanted me to start with really good credit. For that, I'm insanely thankful - my deposit on my apartment when we signed the lease was $300, the lowest they do.

You know your kid. Talk to her about paying her car insurance and phone bill, and if you're more comfortable, set it up so that only one comes out of her account directly. It's about the delivery of the system, so what works for one kid won't work for another.

bethsmiles · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-need-advice-from-a-20-year-old-perspective?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43033b37-12ab-4c82-aed0-a6ee8563b37ePost:8a93f3e4-c519-48f6-9a7a-4b4f5869308d">Re: NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective</a>:
[QUOTE]It's been awhile since I was 20, but here's my take.<strong> I think it depends how much she's earning.</strong> It sounds like she could contribute to the bills and still have a little spending money left over. If that's the case, I say go for it! If paying bills would leave her with no other money, then no (i.e. enough money to go out to dinner once in awhile). When I was in college, I made about $50 a week. That was enough for food, some clothes, and a little bit of savings. I would have paid bills if my parents asked, but I just didn't make much. <strong>My parents wanted me to focus on school rather than work.</strong>
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

This. It really depends on how much she is making. Throughout my undergrad. my parents paid all my bills because they wanted me to focus on school. Well actually how it was set up is my parents gave me a budget (put a certain amount of money in my account each month) and it was my responsibility to make sure the bills got paid.

s-aries8990 · April 2013

Oh, yeah, definitely have her pay her bills. Introduce them one at a time. I think that having over $100/week extra on top of the cost of her bills is wayy more than enough money to fund her outings, etc. As Peek said, have some of the lower bills come directly from her while more crucial/expensive ones go through you. I had to loan-out my education but I paid for everything else without a CC on my own. I'm sure that she can do it

Senior year of HS: driver's ed, half a car (with brother) half of car insurance, at least $20 towards cell phone, some groceries (I work at a grocery store), all of my dance classes and costumes for that year, any dance team related expenses, any Girl Scout related expenses, any college application expenses, all prom and senior related expenses (except for the dress - part mom, part GPs, part dad), all college deposits.

College: Still car insurance (even though the car was in another state), still part of cell phone, any extra food/clothing/necessities, my car in full in cash (steep discounts for fanning my cash out!), my new car insurance policy, increased cell phone, student loans. I had weeks where I had only $15 until payday. It sucks, but it helped me learn.

Out of college (now): Student loans, half mortgage on family home (for now), car insurace, 45% of family phone bill, major groceries for family, retirement savings, health insurance, dental insurance.

I just got my CC last july and have about $140 on it that I COULD pay off if I wanted to this minute, have paid off one of my 13 loans, and saved over $3,000 in the past year through direct transfer (I would have saved more if I didn't need new tires or to spend money at Christmas). I started out with just $20/ week and just recently bumped it up to $85.

If she is as responsible as you say she has been so far, if you gradually introduce the bills to her, you should be all set and she'll learn in a less than hard way.

minskat30 · April 2013

Like Liv and Shoes, I'm a big believer in kids learning the value of money early on and it sounds like your daughter has sufficient funds to pay some more of her expenses (rather than eating out because she doesn't like the dorm food).

I wanted to go to college (first-generation to do so) so I had to prioritize how I would pay for that and everything else in life once I went away. Did it suck working jobs, taking maximum credits and trying to graduate early to have 3 years of student loan college debt vs 4 years? Yes, sometimes. Did I have as much fun as my other college friends? Absolutely not. I learned one of the most important lessons in life, however...if you want something bad enough, you find a way to make it work. Just my two cents.

AprilH81 · April 2013

Based on the whole thread and the information you provided I think this is a good plan for your daughter as long as she doesn't know you are saving the money for her. I also recommend the other PP posters about gradually increasing the amount of bills (say a new one added every 3 months or so) so she doesn't get overwhelmed.

Growing up my parents required me to put half of any money I received (Birthday, Christmas, Graduation, paychecks, etc.) into a savings account. At the time I thought it majorly sucked, but the summer before my senior year of college that money funded most of my summer studying in Europe.

If you haven't already, sit down with your daughter and teach her about budgeting and how to properly track expenses and how to deal with cash flow. If she has a smart phone there are a lot of apps to help.

rusngl2 · April 2013

Thanks guys for all your input, looks like it's time to have a heart to heart with Ms Lady....

CarolinaPeach13 · April 2013

Looks like I'm a little late! I'll give my input anyways...my parents have the "school is my job" approach and I think it's worked pretty well for me. I live in a condo that my parents own and my dad puts all the bills in my name. So each month I get the utility bills. He pays them, but I'm responsible for getting my roommates to pay ME what they owe. He gives me the money for my bills (I also board a horse down here and that requires a board bill, farrier, and vet, as well as other expenses like fly spray, medical supplies, etc.) but I have to write the check. I'm still responsible for paying and will still be charged late fees if I don't, but I don't have the burden of trying to make ends meet. To me, that's the best of both worlds because I'm learning how to budget (and it gets VERY tight) but also not struggling and am able to focus on school! Just another thought from a college senior

Vintagelove4 · April 2013

Ok since I'm right at that age I'll give my advice.

First off, she's blessed that you've financially supported her as much as you have! When I turned 18 I moved out a few weeks later and my parents gave me four months to become completely financially stable. It was a crash course in adult life 101. I didn't like it at the time but am so thankful for it now. I don't take things for granted as much because I started out in a crappy crowded apartment with not so great roommates living on 250 dollars a month for rent, other bills and groceries.

Though I might suggest breaking her into life a bit more slowly since she's become used to the lifestyle she has now. Maybe start her off by having her find her own cell phone service provider and have her start paying for that? I'd also tell her that she needs to start an emergency savings with the income she is getting in because life happens. I'd also tell her that her rent is HER rent. If she can't afford the place she's at on her own dime, she needs to find a place she can afford.

Like PPs have said, teach her how to budget.

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-need-advice-from-a-20-year-old-perspective?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43033b37-12ab-4c82-aed0-a6ee8563b37ePost:65c0dbcc-c1c7-4d52-9388-61d167614c79">Re: NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok since I'm right at that age I'll give my advice. First off, she's blessed that you've financially supported her as much as you have! When I turned 18 I moved out a few weeks later and my parents gave me four months to become completely financially stable. It was a crash course in adult life 101. I didn't like it at the time but am so thankful for it now. I don't take things for granted as much because I started out in a crappy crowded apartment with not so great roommates living on 250 dollars a month for rent, other bills and groceries. Though I might suggest breaking her into life a bit more slowly since she's become used to the lifestyle she has now. Maybe start her off by having her find her own cell phone service provider and have her start paying for that? I'd also tell her that she needs to start an emergency savings with the income she is getting in because life happens.<strong> I'd also tell her that her rent is HER rent. If she can't afford the place she's at on her own dime, she needs to find a place she can afford.</strong> Like PPs have said, teach her how to budget.
Posted by Lilyrose4242[/QUOTE]

<div>She lives on campus....</div>

beanbot2002 · April 2013

I think teaching her that financial responsibility, while still offering a bit of a safety net, is wonderful. I love how Peek's mom did things, and wish my father had taught me the same. He's a wealthy guy and I became complacent with that. So, much like Shoe's mom, I didn't truly learn how to budget early on. I've been teaching myself the last few years, but boy has it been tough.

buddysmom80 · April 2013

Please, please, please teach her some sort of budget now. When I was 20 I was so financially irresponsible, that I'm surprised I am the way I am now.

In high school I didn't work but also didn't have a car until the summer before college.

In college, my parents paid 100% of my tuition and bought me a car. I didn't pay for books, nothing, my grandfather also gave me a graduation gift of $10,000. That money was blown in two years. I worked in college at an arena and had spending money. I also picked up a cell phone bill (which when I could afford I would pay) and my first credit card (which I maxed out in three months).

After three semesters of college in Tampa, I got kicked out, moved back home lived rent free, had cosmetology school paid for me by my parents and worked part time to pay for my cell phone bill and maybe at this point auto insurance? I went back to college and they paid for that minus books. Also, my dad promised me he would NOT pay for grad school (even though I just got an email from him telling me he would be more than happy to pay for my first class at grad school.....)

Long story short, my parents never gave me any responsibility until I moved out at 27 and even then they paid off all my credit cards and car payment. Any debt I incur now is my responsibility. If there was a problem, they threw money at it. I also think my dad helping me out financially was his way of making it up to me for being a shltty dad. They're both retired now, and I refuse to take money from them. When I was in escrow on my home my dad sent me a check for the downpayment instead of having me borrow the money from the State of Connecticut. I was so mad. He wouldn't take the money back. And you know what? Every time he comes over, I feel like he's inspecting HIS investment since he paid 3% of it.

I'm so fortunate for my parents, I love them to death, but I really wish that instead of paying off all my bills they would just give me some tough love. Granted, I wouldn't be living where I am now and would be in $10,000 worth of credit card debt but at least it would've made me more responsible with my money at a younger age like how I am now (I'm the cheapest person now, I'm an extreme couponer in training lol)

Good luck! I'm not a parent, but I know it must be hard. Hang in there and I would love to hear an update on this.

thejinxchan · April 2013

When I was 19, I paid for my own phone bill and car payments (my parents had put $500 down initially but I made the payments thereafter). They paid car insurance, and school fees (although I attend a community college, and when I started going to uni I got a loan). Granted, my mom would help pay anything I couldn't, like fixing my car, etc. which got me a little too dependant on her at times, but I found it normal to be paying phone and car bills myself.

I think if youawnt to go a bit easy on her, give her the respoinbilities one bit at a time - first start with something completely feasbile, like the phone bill - if it's time up on the contract, she can choose one that suits her budget. And then give her a timeline when you want her to start paying for other bills so she can sort her budget out.

HisBestBirthdayGift · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-need-advice-from-a-20-year-old-perspective?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43033b37-12ab-4c82-aed0-a6ee8563b37ePost:136d2ee3-f143-4ae1-97cd-f6c3a8e9541f">NWR: Need Advice from a 20 year old perspective</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, I have a daughter who is currenlty going to college full time and working part time, she's 19 (YeaH!) I am extremely proud of her and the majority of decisions she has made in her life. Currently she takes her money, that she earns to buy whatever the devil she wants. I pay her phone bill, car insurance and occasionally give her money for school fees, housing deposits and whatnot. I want to start having her pay some of her own bills, not because I need the money but I think it will help her get used to the idea that you have to pay for neccessities before you have fun. I'm I being unreasonable? My plan is to take the money she's paying me for "bills" and setting it aside for either a nice college graduation present or a new car for her that she desperately needs.
Posted by rusngl2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So as a 20 year old, I feel like I can semi-adequately give you the perspective you are looking for!</div><div>First off, she's a very lucky girl to have a supportive, financially-able mother such as yourself. Its nice to have someone to depend on financially when starting out in case you get over your head. I do not find the idea of her paying some of her bills herself to be a bad idea, its only going to help her in the long run. I would sit down with her, talk about what she can afford to pay for, maybe assist her in outlining a budget? But I feel as if turning around and using the money she's supposed to be paying bills with to buy her a gift might send a contradictory message to her? Maybe you could suggest that she start saving up for a car as a graduation present to herself and assist her with saving up? I wish my parents had helped me instill better budgetting and money saving habits before I set off on my own. Just my two cents. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

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