Moms and Maids

Negative Nancy MOB

Sorry for the long post but I need to get this out and I feel like venting to complete strangers who can't really judge me is the safest way to do so. lol

Anyway, I'm VERY newly engaged (two weeks) and I'm already to the point that if it weren't for FI's family I might consider eloping.  The problem is, not surprisingly, my mother. For starters, despite the fact that we are not close she was the first one I told because I knew her feelings would be hurt otherwise. I know I can't expect everyone to be over the moon for me but her reaction left a lot to be desired. An eyebrow raise, "Oh! Congratulations... Is this going to be a long engagement or are you pregnant?" 
I moved on from that because honestly I'm so happy to be marrying the man of my dreams I want to shout it from the roof tops. :D

A few days after this, I shared with her my ideas on venues and the like, only after her prompting. She immediately told me she didn't like those ideas because she really didn't feel like driving two hours. (Despite the fact that we drove SEVEN hours through the North Carolina mountains for my sisters wedding.)

She is also constantly on me about money.  She will not be paying a single dime for my wedding; my grandparents will. I am fortunate enough to have grandparents that are very well off and are wanting to pay for our day. She hates this. I could not be more thankful for this especially since they provided for me 95% of my childhood because my mother could/would not. It seems to me she would rather me go without than to be gifted by them. 

Finally, I am looking into a weekend rental venue for our wedding so that we can extend our fun.  My sister did something like this and it was a great weekend that left us with lots of good memories. My mother does NOT want me to do this because our "family dynamic is too weird for that."  I can't understand why it wasn't too weird for my sister but is for me. She said if I didn't know she wouldn't explain it to me so I told her that anyone who doesn't want to stay doesn't have to stay. This obviously caused a huge fight. I have already decided that my dad won't be staying the entire weekend and that my step-mother won't be coming at all because my mother "can't stand to look at her." 

My mother and I have never been very close and I'm fine with this but she continues to force herself into these conversations and only bringing negativity to the table. I'm afraid to say anything to her because she the type of person who will refuse to talk to me for years if ask her (no matter how nicely) to back off.

I don't know that there's much advice to be given here I just really need to know if I'm being unreasonable for being to upset and hurt over all of this.



EDIT: I want to start by saying that I am by no means a bride that expects ANYONE to pay for my wedding. I was only saying that since she wasn't paying I felt her remarks and demands were inappropriate. Sorry if it came off that way.

Another note is that the reason I don't feel badly for not inviting my father for the entire weekend or my step-mother at all is that he almost didn't make the cut for the guest list. I am inviting him because I was very much a daddy's girl when I was small. In past years though we haven't been very close in fact one of my sisters won't speak to him at all and the other is just indifferent. He won't be walking me down the aisle and will attend as a guest not FOB. I do like my step mother but she told me as soon as she heard about my engagement that she wouldn't come if my mother was going to cause problems, which she obviously is.
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Re: Negative Nancy MOB

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_negative-nancy-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c87f663c-3a30-45d7-ab78-1dd48e27beb7Post:542660fb-1296-4801-aa27-ece3f14cfb5b">Negative Nancy MOB</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for the long post but I need to get this out and I feel like venting to complete strangers who can't really judge me is the safest way to do so. lol Anyway, I'm VERY newly engaged (two weeks) and I'm already to the point that if it weren't for FI's family I might consider eloping.  The problem is, not surprisingly, my mother. For starters, despite the fact that we are not close she was the first one I told because I knew her feelings would be hurt otherwise. I know I can't expect everyone to be over the moon for me but her reaction left a lot to be desired. An eyebrow raise, "Oh! Congratulations... Is this going to be a long engagement or are you pregnant?"  I moved on from that because honestly I'm so happy to be marrying the man of my dreams I want to shout it from the roof tops. :D A few days after this, I shared with her my ideas on venues and the like, only after her prompting. She immediately told me she didn't like those ideas because she really didn't feel like driving two hours. (Despite the fact that we drove SEVEN hours through the North Carolina mountains for my sisters wedding.) She is also constantly on me about money.  <strong>She will not be paying a single dime for my wedding</strong>; my grandparents will. I am fortunate enough to have grandparents that are very well off and are wanting to pay for our day. She hates this. I could not be more thankful for this especially since they provided for me 95% of my childhood because my mother could/would not. It seems to me she would rather me go without than to be gifted by them.  Finally, I am looking into a weekend rental venue for our wedding so that we can extend our fun.  My sister did something like this and it was a great weekend that left us with lots of good memories. My mother does NOT want me to do this because our "family dynamic is too weird for that."  I can't understand why it wasn't too weird for my sister but is for me. She said if I didn't know she wouldn't explain it to me so I told her that anyone who doesn't want to stay doesn't have to stay. This obviously caused a huge fight. I<strong> have already decided that my dad won't be staying the entire weekend and that my step-mother won't be coming at all because my mother "can't stand to look at her."</strong>  My mother and I have never been very close and I'm fine with this but she continues to force herself into these conversations and only bringing negativity to the table. I'm afraid to say anything to her because she the type of person who will refuse to talk to me for years if ask her (no matter how nicely) to back off. I don't know that there's much advice to be given here I just really need to know if I'm being unreasonable for being to upset and hurt over all of this.
    Posted by ene0511[/QUOTE]

    Ok a few things here:

    1) She has obsolutely not obligation to pay a dime for your wedding. Your grandparents are paying, which is awesome, but you cannot expect money from her for it.

    2) If you invite everyone for the whole weekend, your dad needs to be invited for the whole thing too

    3) If you invite your dad, you need to invite your stepmom. They are a social unit. Since she and your mom don't get along, seat them away from each other. They won't see too much of each other if they each host their own tables at the wedding. I'm not sure what the other activites you have in mind are.

    Finally: stop talking to your mom about your wedding if she's negative. If she says, "You CAN'T have your wedding that far away! Have it 5 minutes from my house at this place!" You say, "Thanks mom. We'll check it out/keep it in mind." Your mom sounds quite negative here, so don't feed her negativity. If you give her no information, she has nothing to be negative about.




  • Stop including your mother in the planning conversations. Do not mention any ideas to her. If she asks, tell her everything is great/iunder control and leave it at that.

    Do not go down the road of not inviting your stepmother. You'll cause needless stress for her and your dad, for what? So you're nutty mom can continue to be nutty? What would happen if this action hurt your relationship with your dad and/or SM? Are your mom's wishes strong enough for you to risk that?
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  • It's unfortunate, but some people can't be trusted to be a sounding board for ideas. These people have so much negativity or their own agenda that they are incabable of helping. These people can only be handled by keeping as much information from them as possible. Or, if you would like her to feel involved, give her something to obsess over that doesn't matter to you. Let her tear apart floral arrangements you've already decided against. No harm, no foul.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • Thank you for all the input ladies! 

    I want to start by saying that I am by no means a bride that expects ANYONE to pay for my wedding. I was only saying that since she wasn't paying I felt her remarks and demands were inappropriate. Sorry if it came off that way.

    Another note is that the reason I don't feel badly for not inviting my father for the entire weekend or my step-mother at all is that he almost didn't make the cut for the guest list. I am inviting him because I was very much a daddy's girl when I was small. In past years though we haven't been very close in fact one of my sisters won't speak to him at all and the other is just indifferent. He won't be walking me down the aisle and will attend as a guest not FOB. I do like my step mother but she told me as soon as she heard about my engagement that she wouldn't come if my mother was going to cause problems, which she obviously is.
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  • I would hope your mother and step mother could suck up whatever history they have and be adults at your wedding.  With that said, You should still invite your step mother and if she chooses to decline, so be it. 

    Sorry you have to deal with those family dynamics. I would hope that your mom will make it work to attend your wedding, but all you can do is tell her when and where;  you do not need her approval.
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    Anniversary
  • Well, she sounds right about one thing to me. Your family dies sound too drama filled for a weekend rental. And you know it and I think you are feeding into it. Your dad doesn't have to walk you down the aisle, but his wife must be invited, like any other guest. And you've only been engaged for 2 weeks, so why are you already discussing venues with someone who isn't paying, isn't supportive, and doesn't have a say? Why dont you rewind this, take your grandparents out to dinner, and ask them what they were thinking would be nice. And then do that because they are paying.
  • So what I get from your edit in your OP is that your step-mom is VOLUNTEERING not to attend so that your mom won't flip her lid.  Is this correct?  If so, that is very thoughtful of her.

    That being said, please still invite her.  Tell your mom that stepmom IS invited and she can deal with it like an adult or she can stay home.  I am a stepmom and my daughters have a stepmom.  It isn't hard to put your big girl panties on for the day and act appropriate.  Don't make your stepmom the bill-payer for your  mother's behavior.

    Sounds like there has been a lifetime of issue with mom.  Your wedding will not improve that, it will probably intensify it.  Stop talking wedding with her at all.  Deal with your lovely grandparents and plan your wedding.
  • Because your mom isn't planning on contributing financially, stop discussing anything wedding related and if she does, bean dip her:

    Mom: You should have your wedding at Hotel X
    You: We're having it at Resort Y. Did you see the trailer for the Great Gatsby?
    Mom: Hotel X is so wonderful and it's so close to my house!
    You: I think Leo DiCaprio and the director have a great connection; they worked together in Romeo + Juliet in the 90's.
    Mom: But I want it at Hotel X! It's so my style! It'll go with my dress!
    You: And there's a really dynamic cast, I think it's going to be a great film!

    And don't let your other family members pressure you regarding your father's presence or your Step-mother's presence. If SM chooses not to come, that's her prerogative, but don't make her feel unwelcome becaues Mom's going a little nuts (or a lot). Mom has to put on her big girl panties and deal with "whatever you want" (within reason, which seems to be the case here). If you want dad to walk you, have him! If you don't, no biggie.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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