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90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More

PureGrace1982PureGrace1982
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My sister is getting married and we are planning a shower for her.  The shower invitations went out over a week ago and the bride keeps emailing me to say she forgot another person that she needs to invite.  

I think she is not getting the concept of a bridal shower and how the guest list should be limited to family and a few close friends.  The guest list is currently at 94 guests and she just messaged me saying she needs to add 2 more.  

I really want to tell her no because this shower is a huge financial burden since it is my mom, myself and the other two bridesmaids that are splitting the costs.  

Is it fair to say no to her?  Or do I have to suck it up and deal with it?  
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Re: 90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More

  • jennyd412jennyd412 member
    First Anniversary First Comment


    She's your sister. Can't you have this conversation with her? It is perfectly fine to and appropriate to have an open conversation with her about 94 people being too many to host.
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
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    You're hosting and paying for the shower. It is within your rights to say no.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    What is with these GINORMOUS Long Island showers? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
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    In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More:[QUOTE]What is with these GINORMOUS Long Island showers?nbsp; Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    It's what they do in Long Island. There is no other way.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More:[QUOTE]What is with these GINORMOUS Long Island showers?nbsp; Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
    It's not all of us. :
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Why the heck could you not say no to her? She is only getting married, she is not the Queen of England.  You should have told her from the beginning how many people you could afford to host and not let the guets list get so huge.

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  • annmarie714annmarie714 member
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    If the guest list for the shower is 94 of her nearest and dearest female friends, I'd hate to see the guest list for the wedding!
    Where there is love, there is life.-Ghandi
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    Good god almighty, that is excessivley rude of her. My shower had 12 guests because I didn't want to overburden the host, or giftgrab.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • J+A 2013J+A 2013 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Did you talk about the size of the guest list with your sister prior to planning the shower?  My MOH gave me no numbers, realizing that both FI and I have large families.  My list is around 75 people - half of which are my aunts or cousins, and when I spoke to my MOH yesterday after she had a few days to look at the guest list, she told me not to hesitate adding people I might have forgotten.  (I left about half of my friends off the shower list, and didn't include any of FI's friends or any of his friends' SOs.)

    Anyway.  Since you've already sent out invitations, I would tell her that no one else can be added because they might hear that they were invited after others and would be offended (a little white lie won't hurt, right?).  

    In case you're curious, I'm from PA, but my FI's family is from Long Island.  So I guess I'm just fitting in with my Fi's family culture according to a few posters above me.  ::eyeroll::  
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:c7adc7d8-5093-44a7-ad63-e7633270dcfd">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More: It's not all of us. :
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
    I know. I was just making a dig since OAH always tells us things are a Long Island thing. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • Benny618Benny618
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:8488169b-c7d4-4c18-b452-f08962cf284e">Re: 90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More : I'm from NYC originally, but about half of my family is from LI. It's just how a lot of people are out there. It never even occurred to me before coming here that a large shower could be considered gift grabby, I always looked at it as wanting to include everyone.  My shower was 35 people and we considered that on the average-small side. I had never heard of a shower with less than 15 invites until I joined TK. That said, 94 people is excessive even for where I'm from. 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]


    agreed
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  • J+A 2013J+A 2013 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:531d111c-7a59-4ffa-8d30-d5a044a237b2">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good God, that's insane.<strong> And the 'we've both got big families' line is BS. </strong>For Christmas my dad's side rents a community center and has over 90 in attendance, but I think a guest list for a shower of any more than 30 is completely nuts.
    Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ha okay.  My mom is the youngest of 10 kids.  30 people would just be my mom's side of the family at my shower, and my mom, FMIL, and bridal party only want to host 1 shower for everyone.  So I'm stuck.  But really, our families are huge.  </div>
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
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    In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More:Good God, that's insane. And the 'we've both got big families' line is BS. For Christmas my dad's side rents a community center and has over 90 in attendance, but I think a guest list for a shower of any more than 30 is completely nuts.Posted by Sleeper2013Ha okay. nbsp;My mom is the youngest of 10 kids. nbsp;30 people would just be my mom's side of the family at my shower, and my mom, FMIL, and bridal party only want to host 1 shower for everyone. nbsp;So I'm stuck. nbsp;But really, our families are huge. nbsp; Posted by JA 2013[/QUOTE]

    But the thing is, you don't have to invite all of them. I have a huge family too. I just invited the ladies that I was close with. Just because you share blood doesn't mean they automatically get a shower invite.
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  • Benny618Benny618
    First Comment
    There were 60 women at my shower, I believe 80 were invited.  That being said, the hosts dictated the number of women that could be invited (which had a lot to do with how many people the space could hold) and I would never dream of adding without the green light to do so.  That being said, I think you need to just tell her what your max is (I actually think you should have done that before invites went out).
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  • J+A 2013J+A 2013 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Well for my family, I couldn't cut anyone.  I mean we're an extremely close family and most of my aunts (I think) are involved in some way in the planning of my shower.  I didn't include any of my mom's cousins or whatever that she asked me to invite to the wedding, just my aunts and cousins, all of whom I consider very close to me.  For Fi's family - I asked his mom for a list of who should be invited.  As long as my MOH is comfortable hosting that many, I didn't feel it was necessary to cut her list since they've all been very welcoming and warm to me.  I definitely would if I was asked to, but it's not a problem, so I'm not worried about it.  

    Anyway.  The point is, some people DO have very large families and it's not a BS excuse.  And while it may in fact be a "Long Island" thing to have large showers, I've found that people around here also tend to be closer to family members that most people wouldn't even know.  (Like a FMIL's cousin's children are more like first cousins to FI and his siblings.... I wouldn't know my mom's cousin's kids if they stopped me on the street.)  So inviting them to a shower isn't done just because they are related, but because they actually have a relationship with them.  
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  • J+A 2013J+A 2013 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:bc48b539-59ff-458f-97e2-df8ed00a2bc6">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More: I'm sorry but ten does not equal thirty. Invite your aunts, and your grandmother if she is living. That's eleven, a reasonable number.
    Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

    <div><div>Do you really want a break down of my family?  Okay, here you go.</div><div><div>
    </div><div>Mom + 3 of mom's sisters + 3 of mom's SILs + grandmom + dad's 4 sisters + nana + 15 first cousins (1 is MOH, 3 are bridesmaids) = 28. So this is my whole family, not just mom's side.  Regardless this is who I've asked to be invited to my shower from my family, none of whom could be cut from the list without offending someone.  </div></div></div><div>
    </div><div>Plus there's FI's family and my friends (which I limited to about 10).  I mean really, is it that big of a deal that my cousin is willing to invite that many people to my shower?  I didn't ask or expect her to, and I'm not expecting anything fancy or extravagant, it's really just a typical family gathering (for us) - without any of the guys and FI's female family members instead.  </div><div>
    </div><div>The OP isn't wrong for hosting a big shower, but the bride is wrong for expecting her sister to host more people than she is comfortable with - something she should have discussed before plans were set and people were invited.    </div>
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  • PureGrace1982PureGrace1982
    First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Part of it is that we have a huge family and so does the groom.  However I think she is feeling pressured to invite everyone who ever invited her to a shower and to invite all of the wives and girlfriends of the grooms friends and fellow fire fighters.  

    You're right that I or my other sister the MOH should have said something in the beginnning about the guest list.  My mom tried to have the bride and the groom's mom cut people from the list but they ended up adding more.  

    I guess we assumed that my other's sister's shower was more reasonable (60 guests of mostly family and about 40 that attended) that this sister would follow suit.  (You know what they say about assumptions...).  

    Also I think I'm feeling the stress a little bit more since I'm the only local bridesmaid (the other two are out of state) and when I was a bridesmaid for my other sister there was 7 of us splitting the cost.  My mom is helping out with the cost of this shower (in addition for paying for most of the wedding) but now I think I've hit my breaking point with how much this will all cost in the end and my sister being completely oblivious to what she is requesting.  

    Thanks for helping me with this and thanks for letting me vent.  
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:0471d2da-2ccc-4b90-9dc5-c4d902a232df">Re: 90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well for my family, I couldn't cut anyone.  I mean we're an extremely close family and most of my aunts (I think) are involved in some way in the planning of my shower.  I didn't include any of my mom's cousins or whatever that she asked me to invite to the wedding, just my aunts and cousins, all of whom I consider very close to me.  For Fi's family - I asked his mom for a list of who should be invited.  As long as my MOH is comfortable hosting that many, I didn't feel it was necessary to cut her list since they've all been very welcoming and warm to me.  I definitely would if I was asked to, but it's not a problem, so I'm not worried about it.   Anyway.  <strong>The point is, some people DO have very large families and it's not a BS excuse</strong>.  And while it may in fact be a "Long Island" thing to have large showers, I've found that people around here also tend to be closer to family members that most people wouldn't even know.  (Like a FMIL's cousin's children are more like first cousins to FI and his siblings.... I wouldn't know my mom's cousin's kids if they stopped me on the street.)  So inviting them to a shower isn't done just because they are related, but because they actually have a relationship with them.  
    Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you about the bolded part.  My mom is one of 11, my dad is one of 9, and I have so many cousins, some of which have children that are now old enough to come to these showers, all of which I am close to.  So lists can add up pretty fast.  That being said, showers are not really as big as the one mentioned even with my large family (and on my mom's side we are so close that even distance relatives are well known enough to justify an invite).  94 sounds really, really excessive.  The bride needs to stop, and it is too bad that she wasn't stopped before it got too crazy. 

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:30985caa-72db-4265-8984-7d04c1da6a89">Re: 90+ Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]Part of it is that we have a huge family and so does the groom.  However I think she is feeling pressured to invite everyone who ever invited her to a shower and to invite all of the wives and girlfriends of the grooms friends and fellow fire fighters.   You're right that I or my other sister the MOH should have said something in the beginnning about the guest list.  My mom tried to have the bride and the<strong> groom's mom cut people from the list</strong> but they ended up adding more.   I guess we assumed that my other's sister's shower was more reasonable (60 guests of mostly family and about 40 that attended) that this sister would follow suit.  (You know what they say about assumptions...).   Also I think I'm feeling the stress a little bit more since I'm the only local bridesmaid (the other two are out of state) and when I was a bridesmaid for my other sister there was 7 of us splitting the cost.  My mom is helping out with the cost of this shower (in addition for paying for most of the wedding) but now I think I've hit my breaking point with how much this will all cost in the end and my sister being completely oblivious to what she is requesting.   Thanks for helping me with this and thanks for letting me vent.  
    Posted by PureGrace1982[/QUOTE]

    WTH is the grooms mother inviting people to the bridal shower?  The shower is for the bride and she should be the one to give you an invite list, not the grooms mother.  If the grooms mother  has to have certain people invited to the shower then she should have hosted her own dang shower.

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  • NYCBride2013NYCBride2013 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:6c963b23-5fdd-4a0b-a70a-642865f117bb">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More : Do you really want a break down of my family?  Okay, here you go. Mom + 3 of mom's sisters + 3 of mom's SILs + grandmom + dad's 4 sisters + nana + 15 first cousins (1 is MOH, 3 are bridesmaids) = 28. So this is my whole family, not just mom's side.  Regardless this is who I've asked to be invited to my shower from my family, none of whom could be cut from the list without offending someone.   Plus there's FI's family and my friends (which I limited to about 10).  I mean really, is it that big of a deal that my cousin is willing to invite that many people to my shower?  I didn't ask or expect her to, and I'm not expecting anything fancy or extravagant, it's really just a typical family gathering (for us) - without any of the guys and FI's female family members instead.   <strong>The OP isn't wrong for hosting a big shower, but the bride is wrong for expecting her sister to host more people than she is comfortable with - something she should have discussed before plans were set and people were invited.    </strong>
    Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree with all of this.

    I think that it's unfair to say that the family being too large is BS.  You can't judge the seriousness of someone's relationship and must invite all guests with their SO's, so how can you judge someone's relationship with their family and tell them they shouldn't be invited because showers are supposed to only have a certain number of guests?  I really just have never understood why this is such a big issue.  If you are properly hosted why does anyone care how many people are invited?  Cutting a guest (family member) for the sake of keeping the guest list under some number that is arbitrarily said to be the proper number of shower guests is (IMHO) wrong.  Cutting guests because the host said you can only invite X amount is totally appropriate. 

    OP- you just need to have a conversation with your sister and explain that close friends need only be invited.  I definitely don't think it's necessary to invite all of the wives and girlfriends of her FI's friends and fellow firefighters.  If you think she is being pressured to invite people maybe she just needs an excuse to not invite people and you now have one for her.  If you need backup, you can even share the views of this board with her.
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  • NYCBride2013NYCBride2013 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:aba4ca16-da8b-4c9c-b0ab-0ea13e50bdbd">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More : This last bit seems overly judgmental. If it's a custom in the bride's family to invite everyone*, and the host is ok with it (or in my case sort of insisted on it) I don't see where it's anyone else's business.  ETA: By everyone I mean inviting all female family members. <strong>I know the party line here is "invite who you're close to" but if I started picking and choosing aunts and cousins it would cause a category 5 sh*t storm. We just don't do that</strong>. 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]
     
    My FI's cousin only invited aunts to her bridal shower and it resulted in lots of hurt feelings.  I don't think it's worth cutting the guest list and potentially offending your family just to have a shower with 30 people.  For the record- I have never been to a shower with only 30 people.

    ETA: poor grammar at work :(
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I'm interested to know why some ladies suggested the cutoff should be at the aunts, resulting in the cousins being left off the guest list. I mean, if you're closer to the cousins can that be switched? Either way, I agree that the host should have a say in this. My friend's guest list for her baby shower has grown and you ladies gave me great advice on that!
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  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_90-person-bridal-shower-guest-list-and-the-bride-keeps-adding-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:57e8ebab-9fd0-4019-963b-ea67d8039d67Post:6bfd0a02-3997-456b-87ff-1bdac3451765">Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:90 Person Bridal Shower Guest List and the Bride Keeps Adding More : Ha okay.  My mom is the youngest of 10 kids.  30 people would just be my mom's side of the family at my shower, and my mom, FMIL, and bridal party only want to host 1 shower for everyone.  So I'm stuck.  But really, our families are huge.  
    Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm with you. My mom is the oldest of nine. Just my aunts, my female cousins, my male cousin's wives, and female second cousins was 25 people. Then there were the females on my dad's side, my friends/BMs, and my mom's different groups of friends. I think we ended up with 50, and I felt lucky... my sister's list was >80 because she went first so my mom's list was a LOT longer.</div>
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  • ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    My dads one of seven, my moms one of four. There were about twelve people at my shower.
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  • jdblnnjdblnn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    This sounds like the bridal shower might not be your garden variety size or make up of guests.  That's fine.  I agree that 94 sounds excessive.  However, you're there.  It's done.  Can't uninvite people to a shower after the invites are out.  In the end an extra 2 invites will probably not push you over the edge budget-wise (I'm guessing you're already there regardless). If it will, just say no.

    My suggestion would be to talk to her.  Have a conversation that goes like this, we are so excited about throwing this shower for you.  I think it is going to be such a great time to spend with the people closest to you before the big day and I know alot of the guests are very excited to see you and hear all about the wedding.  I'm worried that if we add many more people it's going to turn into such a big event you're not going to get to spend much time with anyone.  I think that we have it in the budget to add #(0,1,2,3) more people.  Think about who you would like to fill those spots and let me know by [DATE].  I will send them the invitation.  Thank you for being understanding about the budget.  Cant' wait for shower...

    She needs to know that although she gets a say in the guest list, it's not an unlimited say. You have the right to pull in the reins.  Good luck! 
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