Lost faith in humanity...

Knottie_22902870 · April 2013

Deleted it because everyone is so negative.

egeurts · April 2013

You're already married. You don't get a do over.

MyNameIsNot · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:13f5aa4c-c043-4308-b2c7-636bc9ee08ea">Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so, long story short, my husband unexpectedly had to leave the military for mental health reasons. It took us all by surprise and had us up and leaving the home he had purchased next to base, which ended up having to be forecloesd on, since my husband could not find a job right out of the military. I was currently still a student living in the dorms so, the only place he could turn to was living with me there while we figured out a plan. We never had a wedding. We couldn't afford it and neither could our parents. We got married not only because we loved each other but, to also help me pay for my schooling since my options for paying for school were running out. My husband told me he would do anything in his power to make sure I could have an education. Then the worst happened. My husband had gone through a fairly invasive surgery that sent him into the worst pain pill addiction I had ever seen. We spent years trying to get around it and trying to make him sober. We lost our home, lost our car and any money that we had was gone. We finally had to move in with my parents, them not fully understanding the hardships we had gone through. I was only able to work at a part time, minimum wage paying job, and my husband was working unconsistent jobs, barely making any money. We were lucky to pay rent every month and get by on eating food we could barely afford. After a year now, my husband is 6 months sober now and we have finally gotten to a point where we both have a car to use! But, I still haven't had the wedding I have so badly wished I could have. I was supposed to have a wedding in November of 2012 but, before I could send out invites, my parents had to cancel since they had no money to put into the wedding. I was heart broken. So, now I am doomed to dreaming and thinking "what if?" I have my dream wedding dress, a great photographer who will do it for free, a lovely music group who would love to do it for free and friends that are behind me 100%. I just need to spot, the venue to have this wedding. Nothing fancy, just an outdoor wedding to celebrate this love I share with my husband and to celebrate that we have persevered so far because we loved each other. Can anyone help me and tell me where I can turn? I don't have a lot of money but, I'm willing to do what I can to get my wedding since no one else will help me. I would appreciate any and ALL help and suggestions! Thanks so much.
Posted by cvaughn09[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you got married, you had a wedding. It may not have been the wedding of your dreams, but a JOP is a wedding.<div>
</div><div>What you're looking for now is called a vow renewal. </div><div>
</div><div>As far as a location, try your back yard or a public park. You don't have to spend a ton of money to have a party. </div>
</div>

lyndausvi · April 2013

You have only been back on your feet for 6 months. I think spending money on a wedding is a complete waste. I would wait for a 5 year anniversary or something.

Knottie_22902870 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:e777f056-e8b7-4419-91a2-e58c368aa552">Re: Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]You're already married. You don't get a do over.
Posted by egeurts[/QUOTE]
Don't be rude so, if you don't have a positive thing to say, don't say it at all, I would appreciate it. Not looking for a do-over, looking for ADVICE and that's it! Thanks.

Knottie_22902870 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:c0655bdb-de3e-4773-af11-2490a50d7e56">Re: Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Please help, I am in desperate need! : If you got married, you had a wedding. It may not have been the wedding of your dreams, but a JOP is a wedding. What you're looking for now is called a vow renewal. As far as a location, try your back yard or a public park. You don't have to spend a ton of money to have a party.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm aware of this, I'm looking for ADVICE or SUGGESTIONS, not opinions on the matter. I'm not looking to spend a lot of money and have tried local park and don't have a backyard to do it. Thanks.</div>

J&K10910 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:4e41f273-7424-44cc-814a-ff7754038803">Re: Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help, I am in desperate need! : I'm aware of this, I'm looking for ADVICE or SUGGESTIONS, not opinions on the matter. I'm not looking to spend a lot of money and have tried local park and don't have a backyard to do it. Thanks.
Posted by cvaughn09[/QUOTE]

Um, what about a suggestion of places to look into is NOT advice or suggestions?

If you can't do it at a local park (which, how on earth would we know you've tried, you certainly didn't say so earlier), then I'm not really sure where else you'll find a cheap outdoor spot.

Knottie_22902870 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:8f5a1420-be81-4712-97cb-85bf4e3ab4e7">Re:Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]You're just barely back on your feet and your husband hasn't even been clean a year yet. You need to focus on cultivating healthy financial habits right now and shouldn't be thinking of spending ANY money on a vow renewal until you have some savings built up to prevent this sort of thing again and have done some repair to your credit. Also, just so you are aware, a vow renewal should NOT look like a wedding in most aspects. No wedding dress, no bridesmaids, no tosses or spotlight dances, etc. So, I honestly don't think it's going to achieve what you are looking for anyway.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I appreciate the response but, I'm going to do my renewal of vows as I woulda wedding, I just need adivce on what I can do or where I can go. I don't need advice on building finances please, I'm not planning this within the next 2 months or anything. But, thank you.

AddieCake · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:6aa883ad-ef45-4923-954d-824b362e7d2d">Re: Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]You have only been back on your feet for 6 months. I think spending money on a wedding is a complete waste. I would wait for a 5 year anniversary or something.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
This. Don't rush into this party. You may need the money for more important things right now. <div>
</div><div>
</div>

MyNameIsNot · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:2405613a-11ee-4a07-9728-fb9486fa5c1b">Re: Please help, I am in desperate need!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help, I am in desperate need! : Don't be rude so, if you don't have a positive thing to say, don't say it at all, I would appreciate it. Not looking for a do-over, looking for ADVICE and that's it! Thanks.
Posted by cvaughn09[/QUOTE]

<div>That wasn't rude. You got some good advice; it just wasn't what you wanted to hear.</div><div>
</div><div>If you try to pretend that you are having a wedding when you are already married, you are going to seriously embarrass yourself in front of friends and family. You are not a 6 year old. You are going to look like a fool dressing up and playing pretend. </div><div>
</div><div>The others are right. If you are so close to H getting clean and so limited on funds, blowing what you do have on an unnecessary party is really a bad decision. Focus on getting back on your feet financially and saving up some funds for future unexpected setbacks. </div>

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

My advice is that you don't have a re-do wedding. As for what you can do, start practicing and promoting healthy financial decisions within your family. Save up and move out of your parents house. Did you finish your education? That should be a priority. Work towards finding a full time job.

In 5 or 10 years, think about a vow renewal with just you two and your parents, maybe your siblings.

happyfor25 · April 2013

Congrats to your H for six months sobriety. I, too, think that spending money on a vow renewal this soon after getting back on your feet might not be wise. I think if you focus on strengthening your financial situation and saving up some money, you could have a great party on a milestone anniversary. Trying to do something now when you said you don't have much money seems really unnecessary since you are already married and that's what matters. The stress of planning and trying to come up with the money would probably put a strain on both of you at a time that when tranquility would serve you best.

libby2483 · April 2013

Sine you are already married, it is impossible to have a wedding. You've already had one. You can have a lovely vow renewal. However, vow renewals don't include wearing a big white wedding dress, having a bridal party, having a bachelorette or bridal shower, and many other things that a wedding does include. I agree with PPs that it may be better to wait until a milestone anniversary, like 5 or 10 years for this vow renewal, for the same reasons PPs outlined above.

You say that you don't want to spend a lot of money, but you also don't want to get married in a park or a backyard. These two options are probably your cheapest outdoor options. You can looking into places like golf courses, restaurants with rooftop spaces or outdoor patios, nature conservancies, and beaches, but these will probably be more expensive.

Please realize that I, and the other ladies on here, are not trying to be rude. We are trying to give you helpful, but honest advice. You may not want to hear that advice, but we are trying to help you make a smart decision to continue moving forward after the hardships you have been through.

Knottie_22902877 · April 2013

Ditto PPs. It is great that your husband seems to be doing better and that you are both getting back on your feet. However, overcoming addiction is a huge challenge, and trying to throw this grand party when you both have so much going on seems to be asking for trouble. I agree with everyone above that it would make more sense to gain stability in your lives and relationship and renew your vows in a few years. Not only will it be more affordable, but you will have more years together to look back on and remember.

RamonaFlowers · April 2013

You're already married and from your post it's plainly obvious that financial stability has been an on-going issue with you and your husband. You may not like hearing it, but the truth is that you have zero business spending a penny on a vow renewal right now.

Marriage is for grown ups, grown ups understand that life isn't always going to go your way. "I want to wear my pretty dress" just isn't a good reason to go throw an unnecessary party that you can't really afford right now.

JoanE2012 · April 2013

Nice try on the DD, however you were quoted. You had a wedding. It may not have been the wedding you always dreamed of, but it's done. You chose to do it that way and you have to live with the consequences. You don't get a do-over. Get your lives in order and have a lovely vow renewal at a milestone anniversary.

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

Priorities, you seriously need to reavaluate them. Fake pretend parties are your least concern right now.

smalfrie19 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:bef3a2ac-4c80-47d5-a27b-94114783e4a2">Re: Lost faith in humanity...</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice try on the DD, however you were quoted. You had a wedding. It may not have been the wedding you always dreamed of, but it's done. You chose to do it that way and you have to live with the consequences. You don't get a do-over. Get your lives in order and have a lovely vow renewal at a milestone anniversary.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]<div>
she did this to all of her posts, she posted the same thing on like 4 different boards. </div>

MrsGandthebeag · April 2013

You lost two homes. Your husband was an addict. You need to get your head on straight. Where are you currently living? Are you guys still at your parents' house? If so, you really need to think this through. Save up, focus on things that matter like your health and financial security. Do a vow renewal when your life is more stable.

MyNameIsNot · April 2013

You've lost your faith in humanity because people are telling you that wasting money on a fake wedding is a bad idea?

You should have lost your faith in humanity when the concept of a fake wedding first occured to a grown woman.

cnf2013 · April 2013

Congrats to your husband on six months.

Now, that being said, I work in the substance abuse and addiction field. I think you need a lesson in brain chemistry as it pertains to addiction and recovery. Six months, a wonderful milestone no doubt, is not enough. Recovery takes years. Years, because of what happens in the brain. Your husband has a lot of recovering left to do. You need to get your head out of the clouds, stop dreaming about the wedding you forfeited, and focus on his health and your financial future.

Where are you guys living? Are the cars you both have now cars you own? Do you have enough money saved to actually support yourselves financially? Your living situation, your finances, and your husband's health need to come first. Once you've over come all these things then a vow renewal may be appropriate to celebrate your ability, as a couple, to over come the difficulties you've faced together. But until you actually over come these things, a do over wedding is ridiculous. You forfeited having one, you don't get to try again just because you feel slighted for not getting what you wanted the first time around.

I highly suggest you look into how drug addiction alters the reward centers in the brain and the effect of dopamine levels during recovery so you can have some inkling of what your husband is going through because he needs your support right now. You should be more concerned about his recovery (which is nowhere near over, six months clean regardless) and less concerned about a re-do wedding. The point of recovery he's going through is very difficult and comes with a high rate of relapse. It's important you know what he's going through, just in case, and so you can help him get to a point in his recovery where he is less likely to relapse. Your lives come first. Partying comes second. Celebrate your marriage when appropriate, which is not right now sorry.

And looking into parks was a suggestion. Quit being so dang defensive. People are just looking out for you.

allychase · April 2013

I just got married on Friday and couldn't possibly imagine having that grand wedding and not actually getting married. The excitement in the air at weddings is because everyone just witnessed two people getting married and committing themselves to each other. No one wants to watch a married couple pretend to get married again.

wittykitty14 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-help-i-am-in-desperate-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f2cf7bca-d412-494e-857d-f22a12f6bb2dPost:28bef747-a82a-485f-911e-ef78464683f9">Re: Lost faith in humanity...</a>:
[QUOTE]Congrats to your husband on six months. Now, that being said, I work in the substance abuse and addiction field. I think you need a lesson in brain chemistry as it pertains to addiction and recovery. <strong>Six months, a wonderful milestone no doubt, is not enough. Recovery takes years. </strong>Years, because of what happens in the brain. Your husband has a lot of recovering left to do. You need to get your head out of the clouds, stop dreaming about the wedding you forfeited, and focus on his health and your financial future. Where are you guys living? Are the cars you both have now cars you own? Do you have enough money saved to actually support yourselves financially? Your living situation, your finances, and your husband's health need to come first. Once you've over come all these things then a vow renewal may be appropriate to celebrate your ability, as a couple, to over come the difficulties you've faced together. But until you actually over come these things, a do over wedding is ridiculous. You forfeited having one, you don't get to try again just because you feel slighted for not getting what you wanted the first time around. I highly suggest you look into how drug addiction alters the reward centers in the brain and the effect of dopamine levels during recovery so you can have some inkling of what your husband is going through because he needs your support right now. <strong>You</strong> <strong>should</strong> <strong>be</strong> <strong>more</strong> <strong>concerned</strong> <strong>about</strong> <strong>his</strong> <strong>recovery</strong> (<strong>which</strong> <strong>is</strong> <strong>nowhere</strong> <strong>near</strong> <strong>over</strong>, <strong>six</strong> <strong>months</strong> <strong>clean</strong> <strong>regardless</strong>) and less concerned about a re-do wedding. The point of recovery he's going through is very difficult and comes with a <strong>high</strong> <strong>rate</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>relapse</strong>. It's important you know what he's going through, just in case, and so you can help him get to a point in his recovery where he is less likely to relapse. Your lives come first. Partying comes second. Celebrate your marriage when appropriate, which is not right now sorry. And looking into parks was a suggestion. Quit being so dang defensive. People are just looking out for you.
Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

THIS. I have battled mental health issues since I was a child, and had an addiction tying into that. It was on and off for about 8 years. During that time, I once went a whole 18 months without doing this behavior, but then did it "just one time", and fell back into it, and it was WORSE THAN BEFORE. It was at it's worst for a while, then became on and off, and I stopped for 8 months, then started back up AGAIN. That time, it was the WORST it had ever been. I can't tell you how much worse it got for me every time I slipped back into it. The last time was very, very bad. Now, I consider myself "recovered". It has been 2.5 years since I did this behavior. It wasn't until probably a year ago that I felt confident that I wasn't going to do it again. However, I know that even if I do it again just ONCE, it will send me back into the cycle. It's taken years to retrain my mind and my body to not feel like I "need" it. At 6 months, I always put on a "brave face" for those that carried about me. I didn't want them to know that every day, I still battled with the decision of whether or not to do it. There were times, where EVERY MINUTE I had to remind myself that I was choosing not to do it again. The good news is, that with time and a good support system, those minutes eventually turned to hours, and days, months. I no longer have to remind myself every day, because I've proven that I'm stronger than the addiction. It takes time to believe in yourself again.

Having said that, I'm not trying to take away from what your husband has accomplished. Six months is a HUGE amount of time when you're stepping out of an addiction. I still celebrate my milestones because it reminds me of where I've come from, and how far I've gone. I used to celebrate the weeks. I'm just trying to put it in perspective for you. Does your H want to do a vow renewal right now? Please listen to him, closely. Don't add any unnecessary stress to him and your relationship. You have been through a lot together, and are working hard to overcome it. Your husband is coming off an addiction, and has struggled with mental health problems. Please, take this into consideration, for the sake of his life, and yours.

I hope you come back on and read this. Six months is a huge accomplishment, but it's not enough to ensure that he's "out of the woods" yet. Please keep that in mind. Good luck to you both.

BostonGIrl4732 · April 2013

I think others have given you amazing advice. Seriously.

Lost faith in humanity...

Re: Lost faith in humanity...

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