Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere?

cirrostratus · April 2013

I feel like I need one. I want to vent but I don't know where, so I hope this is appropriate.

I just have all these bottled up feelings that are driving me nuts. Long story short: I am afraid to stand up for what I want for MY wedding because I will be labled as a Bridezilla. But every time MIL wants to talk about wedding stuff and I try to say what I want, I get shot down and then told "You don't even know what you want".

Examples:

"I want Sunflowers."
"no you don't, they're too big."

"I want to have dance music."
"No you don't, you want it quiet and simple."

"I want to have pictures of animals for my tables instead of numbers."
"....oh.." *makes a face*

"We're doing cupcakes."
"Oh no! You need a cake!"

This is from the woman who told me she wouldn't say anything. But instead of talking to me, she sends barrage of texts to my FI who (is very sweet but is frustrated with it) reiterates pieces of the messages to me. When I try to do things how we originally discussed how to do them, then I am overriden. Originally we didn't want to have a bar at our wedding but MIL seemed to want to fight for having a bar. Then we said, "Ok, we'll do a cash bar." She didn't like that so "Ok, we'll do a tab bar ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR IT." Apparently, whenever she wants something she will say "we'll cover it" but I've seen $0.

So I am trying to be as polite as possible without hurting myself. I have just been keeping out of the way pretty much because I am afraid if I say anything then it will be an issue. I already mentioned this before (probably not in the best way) to my FI who told me that we probably needed councelling and I was trying to control everything and be a Bridezilla.

I just need to vent and I don't know where this goes. I just feel like this whole wedding thing is so emotionally draining to the point where I hate talking to people about it, especially his family.

bunni727 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_is-there-a-wedding-planning-support-group-anywhere?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9283f4dd-80aa-4a81-961e-74493d71f6e2Post:d5e21512-241d-4deb-8b89-18a0399b95b5">Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I need one. I want to vent but I don't know where, so I hope this is appropriate. I just have all these bottled up feelings that are driving me nuts. Long story short: I am afraid to stand up for what I want for MY wedding because I will be labled as a Bridezilla. But every time MIL wants to talk about wedding stuff and I try to say what I want, I get shot down and then told "You don't even know what you want". Examples: "I want Sunflowers." "no you don't, they're too big." "I want to have dance music." "No you don't, you want it quiet and simple." "I want to have pictures of animals for my tables instead of numbers." "....oh.." *makes a face* "We're doing cupcakes." "Oh no! You need a cake!" This is from the woman who told me she wouldn't say anything. But instead of talking to me, she sends barrage of texts to my FI who (is very sweet but is frustrated with it) reiterates pieces of the messages to me. <strong>When I try to do things how we originally discussed how to do them, then I am overriden. </strong>Originally we didn't want to have a bar at our wedding but MIL seemed to want to fight for having a bar. Then we said, "Ok, we'll do a cash bar." She didn't like that so "Ok, we'll do a tab bar ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR IT." Apparently, whenever she wants something she will say "we'll cover it" but I've seen $0. S<strong>o I am trying to be as polite as possible without hurting myself. I have just been keeping out of the way pretty much because I am afraid if I say anything then it will be an issue. I already mentioned this before (probably not in the best way) to my FI who told me that we probably needed councelling and I was trying to control everything and be a Bridezilla. </strong> I just need to vent and I don't know where this goes. I just feel like this whole wedding thing is so emotionally draining to the point where I hate talking to people about it, especially his family.
Posted by cirrostratus[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

You know you don't have to talk to anyone but your FI about your wedding, right? That was a really novel thought to me, but really, just because people ask a question doesn't mean they deserve an in-depth answer. What kind of flowers do you want? Yellow. What kind of music are you going to have? The DJ will decide most of that. Have you ordered your cake yet? Yeah, we've got it covered. Unless she is paying, she gets absolutely no say in things like that.

As long as it doesn't affect the comfort of your guests, you and your FI can have whatever style wedding you would choose. If you know she says hurtful things, don't give her the opportunity.

A cash bar, however, could have an impact on your guests comfort, so I'd avoid it at all costs, whether that means a dry wedding, hosting beer and wine, or a full hosted bar.

Don't do, add, or change anything that she offers to pay for unless you have the money in your hand and are willing to accept the strings attached.

The bolded concerns me. I guess I don't understand why your FI would override you, on things you had decided on together, and then say you need counseling because you are disappointed about being trampled over. That's not to say counseling would be a bad idea, but you and your FI need to get on the same page, and he needs to defend your (both of you, together) choices.

He also shouldn't call you negative names, like Bridezilla, or put his mothers wants above yours under any circumstances.

NYCMercedes · April 2013

Your FI brought up counseling so I would run with that! It sounds like MIL is the pits and FI is standing up for her. Of course we're hearing only your side with you point of view only, but it is always wise to get an independent person involved. In the meantime, stop sharing ideas with anyone.

B2Z728 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_is-there-a-wedding-planning-support-group-anywhere?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9283f4dd-80aa-4a81-961e-74493d71f6e2Post:40b3530b-3fb7-4485-aec5-27d1a65f5e66">Re: Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere? : I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You know you don't have to talk to anyone but your FI about your wedding, right? That was a really novel thought to me, but really, just because people ask a question doesn't mean they deserve an in-depth answer. What kind of flowers do you want? Yellow. What kind of music are you going to have? The DJ will decide most of that. Have you ordered your cake yet? Yeah, we've got it covered. Unless she is paying, she gets absolutely no say in things like that. As long as it doesn't affect the comfort of your guests, you and your FI can have whatever style wedding you would choose. If you know she says hurtful things, don't give her the opportunity. A cash bar, however, could have an impact on your guests comfort, so I'd avoid it at all costs, whether that means a dry wedding, hosting beer and wine, or a full hosted bar. Don't do, add, or change anything that she offers to pay for unless you have the money in your hand and are willing to accept the strings attached. The bolded concerns me. I guess I don't understand why your FI would override you, on things you had decided on together, and then say you need counseling because you are disappointed about being trampled over. That's not to say counseling would be a bad idea, but you and your FI need to get on the same page, and he needs to defend your (both of you, together) choices. He also shouldn't call you negative names, like Bridezilla, or put his mothers wants above yours under any circumstances.
Posted by bunni727[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Cosigned, Buzz

</div>

jennylee813 · April 2013

Wedding planning should be a time of joy and happiness. You get to pledge your love and committment to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. THAT'S what it is supposed to be about. If it's this stressful, you're doing it wrong!

Ditto PPs - don't talk about it with anyone other than your FI. Change the subject. You're a grown up.

I'm far more concerned with your FI's role (or lack thereof) in this. His mother is putting him in the middle, and instead of telling her where to get off, he's passing the info on to you. He's not 'on your side', for lack of a better description. He should be. I worry about this because I lived it once, and it never got better.

Take a stand. You and your FI deserve the wedding that YOU want, not the wedding your FMIL wants.

cirrostratus · April 2013

Thanks for your posts, everyone! I felt better just getting this out there and getting some feedback on what to do. I'm definitely going to work to make things a little different. We have MIL working on centerpieces so I think that if she wants to have discussion on other things, my response will be "We got it, don't worry."

I was talking with FI this morning and I have told him (at least twice) before that I felt "out of the loop". He is just frustrated because he can't change how I feel and when he goes to visit his family, it becomes a one-sided conversation with MIL about "You should do this. You should do that." When he doesn't want to talk about it. We're going to take a lot of time in the future together to get things done the way we see fit.

I think at the time, I was feeling frustrated but I spoke with him about it last night and this morning and things will be much better. The "You don't have to tell anyone all the details" advice has been the most helpful advice I have heard so far. Thanks again, everyone!! *hugs*

shannyb41 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_is-there-a-wedding-planning-support-group-anywhere?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9283f4dd-80aa-4a81-961e-74493d71f6e2Post:c2427e7a-cd06-45b0-8540-f6b10804c2f5">Re: Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wedding planning should be a time of joy and happiness. You get to pledge your love and committment to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. THAT'S what it is supposed to be about.<strong> If it's this stressful, you're doing it wrong! </strong>Ditto PPs - don't talk about it with anyone other than your FI. Change the subject. You're a grown up. I'm far more concerned with your FI's role (or lack thereof) in this. His mother is putting him in the middle, and instead of telling her where to get off, he's passing the info on to you. He's not 'on your side', for lack of a better description. He should be. I worry about this because I lived it once, and it never got better. Take a stand. You and your FI deserve the wedding that YOU want, not the wedding your FMIL wants.
Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]

<div>Bold- I don't entirely agree with this. planning any event is stressful...and if you're stressed out it doens't mean you are doing something wrong. You are hosting an event and you want your guests to be comfortable and have fun. It can get a little stressful.</div><div>
</div><div>I do agree with the rest though. You can't let your FMIL push you around. Don't let anyone push you around, period. I felt myself losing control of things with my own wedding for a little bit but that's changed. I understand it is tough to speak up because if you say anything people jump to the "Bridezilla" thing. Saying "yes, actually, I do want sunflowers" is not being a Bridezilla. Nobody wants to be told No.</div><div>
</div>

jennylee813 · April 2013

I guess my point was that if it's this stressful... I agree with you, Shanny. I'm not talking about the positive stress that goes into planning an event - I'm talking about the negative. I agree that the stress of making sure things go smoothly and planning so your guests are comfortable and treated well is not a bad thing.

sorry - should have been clearer.

boylepc05 · April 2013

I was feeling the same way for a a while because every idea I expressed was being quickly shot down by mom, BP, FMIL, etc. I quickly learned that it's sort of false advertisement that it's "the brides day". It really felt like everyone else's day! And I'm not a selfish person who wants the day to be all about me, me, me! More like, I want a special day for me and my FI that reflects us as a couple.

I felt like I wasn't ever being listened to! Well, FI and I talked about it a bunch, and I had some "tough love" convos w/ the moms, and also read/skimmed the book "Emotionally Engaged: How to Survive the 'Happiest' Time of Your Life". Some of it was insightful and some of it was silly, but I think it helped put some situations into perspective a little better.

Anyway... I totally agree with the advice that you can just have conversations about details with your FI. And maybe a couple girlfriends who are supportive. And planning an event like this is definitely stressful! (trust me, I'm an event manager) But try to find some fun in it too, and do what makes you happy!!

mc4dj13 · April 2013

Oh honey- quit being polite. This is your wedding! No it is not your marriage, but the way you are allowing others to dictate and walk all over you will give them a preview of life with you. You do not need to "clear" things with anyone. You don't need a support group or "counseling" It must feel right in your heart. What you envision for your most special day is all that matters.

I hope you can find your voice and silence all the noise going on around you.

Is there a Wedding-Planning support group anywhere?

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