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MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?

seaweedandtoastseaweedandtoast member
First Comment
in Wedding Party
According to my FMIL I need bridesmaids.
FH has a bestman and a few ushers (groomsmen) so fine. I don't want a lot so my first thing was to ask if my two nieces wanted to be. They both did so sorted
I did not realise that my FMIL actually meant I should have my FSIL and one of FH female cousins who he is very close to.
I don't want those two woman - now they are lovely but if I was having more I would have my best friends over those two because that would feel right. (My closest cousins are men and my sister is a lot older and would not want to be a BM though she is being my witness anyway)
But apparently it would be nice and I "really should have them"

FPIL are hosting, paying and (basically) controlling the wedding. I know this gives them far more say in what it looks like and is (which is fine) but does this go as far as saying how big my wedding party is and who is in it?
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Re: MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?

  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mil-and-bridesmaids-who-is-in-and-who-is-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a20da3-9c54-4f09-8ac9-b0ffd01349d2Post:f5bfc1a3-dfce-4b5b-8093-7261d63fcf40">MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]According to my FMIL I need bridesmaids. FH has a bestman and a few ushers (groomsmen) so fine. I don't want a lot so my first thing was to ask if my two nieces wanted to be. They both did so sorted I did not realise that my FMIL actually meant I should have my FSIL and one of FH female cousins who he is very close to. I don't want those two woman - now they are lovely but if I was having more I would have my best friends over those two because that would feel right. (My closest cousins are men and my sister is a lot older and would not want to be a BM though she is being my witness anyway) But apparently it would be nice and I "really should have them" FPIL are hosting, paying and (basically) controlling the wedding. I know this gives them far more say in what it looks like and is (which is fine) but does this go as far as saying how big my wedding party is and who is in it?
    Posted by seaweedandtoast[/QUOTE]

    One thing that the parents don't have say over is whom is in your wedding party. They are your nearest and dearest.

    You aren't required to have anyone. But I have to ask...do you not have any close friends? You mention your sister, cousins, FSIL. I'm not trying to be critical, but I'm honestly just curious. You can also have males stand on your side if you are close to them.
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  • seaweedandtoastseaweedandtoast member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mil-and-bridesmaids-who-is-in-and-who-is-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a20da3-9c54-4f09-8ac9-b0ffd01349d2Post:7397468f-097d-45e2-8f98-274de4a85166">Re: MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]But I have to ask...do you not have any close friends? You mention your sister, cousins, FSIL. I'm not trying to be critical, but I'm honestly just curious. You can also have males stand on your side if you are close to them.
    Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

    Did i not mention them ?!!? - I do have close friends promise. :) there are three of us who have been friends since we high school.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Do not let your FMIL push you into including people in your wedding party that you do not want.  You have already succumb to her pressure about having some BMs which you shouldn't have done if you really didn't want to have anyone.  But do not succumb to her pressure in regards to these two individuals.  The wedding party and who is included is completely up to you and your FI regardless of who is paying.

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  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mil-and-bridesmaids-who-is-in-and-who-is-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a20da3-9c54-4f09-8ac9-b0ffd01349d2Post:68329bce-01fc-49ea-a77b-c87a384fd43e">Re: MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out? : Did i not mention them ?!!? - I do have close friends promise. :) there are three of us who have been friends since we high school.
    Posted by seaweedandtoast[/QUOTE]

    Okay good. Ask whomever you want to be in your bridal party...male or female.
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  • winelover123winelover123 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment First Answer
    Ask whomever you'd like - I had pressure to include my cousin in my BP even though we aren't close. She dropped out, which is fine now after I got over it,  but the pressure was not fun. Your BP is completely and totally your choice.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ask people YOU are close to, not people others want in your wedding party. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2013
    Those who are paying for your wedding get to decide on anything that is budget related - number of guests, menu, venue - things like that. They don't get to choose the wedding party or colors or anything else that won't affect the budget.

    By the way, there's no age limit on bms/MOH. 
                       
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    You said your nieces sort of accepted, confirm with them that they do want to be bridesmaids. If they don't really want to do it, then consider going ahead with FMIL suggestions? If they do want to do it, can you try "I appreciate the suggestion of Sue & Betty as part of the wedding party. But I want to keep things small and simple. But perhaps there is something else we can have them do to be included in the wedding day (for example readers?)"
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Even if your FILs are paying, they're not entitled to choose your attendants for you.  Only you can do that.  And you do not have to base your choices on making them happy, especially if they want you to choose people you would not otherwise choose.
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  • seaweedandtoastseaweedandtoast member
    First Comment
    Thank you
    so glad I get to pick who is in my BP

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mil-and-bridesmaids-who-is-in-and-who-is-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a20da3-9c54-4f09-8ac9-b0ffd01349d2Post:1644249f-53a7-4550-863a-f3946060755e">Re: MIL and Bridesmaids - who is in and who is out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You said your nieces sort of accepted, confirm with them that they do want to be bridesmaids. If they don't really want to do it, then consider going ahead with FMIL suggestions?
    Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]
    my neices did accepted very happily and excitable - one had previously asked if she could be and I had to tell her that I wasn't planning to. So she especially is very excited.
    If FMIL makes a case for me to have some adult BM as well I'll ask my two best friends.

    I wouldn't want the cousin and FSIL as my BMs - it wouldn't feel right. and there is nothing really role wise to give them to pacify FMIL
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