Moms and Maids

Meddling Grandmother

Well, my fiancée and I announced our engagement, set a date, and actually had a conversation with our families (separately) about how we were going to have our ceremony at the same place as our reception.  Both my fiancée and I are atheists, but we both come from religious families.  We're sensitive to the fact that our families would prefer for us to have a religious ceremony, but we see no point in having a religious ceremony as it would mean nothing to us - we're creating our own ceremony and a good friend will marry us.  We want our ceremony to mean something special to US.  All of this has been described countless times to family.

Anyway, my grandmother called me yesterday to inform me that she successfully reserved the family church for our wedding date and put down the deposit. . .thankfully I was busy, so I got the news on a voicemail. 

I have no problem calling the church to cancel and explain there was a mistake.  But does anybody have any suggestions on how to handle my sweet, but meddlesome grandma?  She's in her 70s, does not have memory problems. . . given her personality, I'm thinking she's hoping we'll just go along with it. And yes, some of the conversations regarding the ceremony and the lack of religion have been with her directly.

I'll also add that she knows we're "not religious" but we haven't broken out the "A" word around her. 

Re: Meddling Grandmother

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    Oh heavens. I can definitely picture my bf's wellmeaning grandmother doing this to us lol. I would have fiance call her and tell her very politely that there must gave been a mistake because you guys already have a ceremony site set and while it was sweet of her to think of you guys, thanks but no thanks. ETA: Just realized it was YOUR gma! You should be the one calling, then. Sorry!
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  • Agree with the phone call and with the phrasing Retread suggested. It doens't leave anything open ended.

    Any chance your parents can help out with making sure this doesn't happen again?
  • I don't think you should offer to call the church and get her deposit back for her.  She's the one who made the passive-aggressive move to book it, so she can be the one to explain things to the church and ask for her money back.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:8a3c43f2-703a-4857-bddb-c5c9d437dd65">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you should offer to call the church and get her deposit back for her.  She's the one who made the passive-aggressive move to book it, so she can be the one to explain things to the church and ask for her money back.
    Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't know that I'd trust her to actually cancel the reservation, though. If she's already gone ahead and put down a deposit, I see her keeping that reservation and continuing to press the bride and her parents and using the deposit as ammo. Not that she's a nasty grandma by any means, but because I could totally see my sweet grandpa doing the same thing!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:ce3673ef-fe27-4505-ac2d-c911d6dffb4d">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meddling Grandmother : I don't know that I'd trust her to actually cancel the reservation, though. If she's already gone ahead and put down a deposit, I see her keeping that reservation and continuing to press the bride and her parents and using the deposit as ammo. Not that she's a nasty grandma by any means, but because I could totally see my sweet grandpa doing the same thing!
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    If grandma chooses not to cancel the reservation, that's on her.  She can pressure the bride all she wants, but the bride doesn't have to give in.  If grandma's been told that the couple is making other plans and still decides to book things on her own, it's her own fault if she loses money.  No one else should be inconvenienced by her passive-aggressive choices.
  • When my brother was getting married, my Great Aunt swore up and down she wouldn't attend because they were getting married in a Methodist Church and we are Catholics.  She said she is not allowed to step foot in another Church unless its a Catholic one!  Well, day of my brother's wedding, my aunt was sitting there smiling, like everyone else!

    Grandma did step over a line by reserving the date and putting down a deposit.  I would call the church and explain that grandma was being over enthusiastic when she booked the church for you and you won't be needing that date.  I wouldn't say anything about her deposit to the church, let grandma figure that out.  But I wouldn't want the church to be holding the date from other potential brides because grandma put the deposit down.  I would then call grandma and give her Retread's speech.
  • edited April 2013
    Cancel the church, asap. Then call Grandma and let her know that you're not getting married in church. Don't offer any explanations, because you'll just open the door for arguments. Your Grandma may be a sweet old lady, but what she did was manipulative and you should sound a bit annoyed when you give her the message. 

    My own mother tried to take over some of my daughter's wedding plans. I finally had to step in when she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I told her that 'Erica wants to plan all the details of her wedding. She'll let you know if she needs help. Until then, MYOB.' It was harsh, but my daughter's gentle approach wasn't working. Grandma got over it and had a blast at the wedding. 

    Make sure all your vendors know that you and fi are the only ones who are authorized to make decisions. We had a horror story of a FMIL changing floral arrangements and other reception details, without the B & G's knowledge.



                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:65af0239-46d1-4d4b-a5dd-89d38bda91be">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]On second thought....coming clean about your lack of belief might be a good idea.  This could become a big factor down the road, especially if you have children. Tell the truth, and be firm about it. You're adults now.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    The reason we've stayed somewhat "in the closet" is that I was formerly an active member of her church and I remember what happened when the family member of another member said they were Atheist.  It basically was harassment - countless phone calls to the poor guy, they would visit their home unannounced to try to pray with them or give them pamphlets and bibles, mailings. . . we've been trying to avoid that same treatment.  Our parents, siblings, aunts/uncles know, but it's being kept on the DL from gma because I can assure you she was a very active member of the harassing party. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:96299856-5653-47fd-a528-ee0e2af2817b">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Hi, Grandma.  I got your message yesterday.  Thank you so much for reserving the church and putting down the deposit, but I wish you'd consulted with us first.  We've got other plans, and are already in consultation with another venue.  We won't be marrying in that church.  I'll call the church and let them know for you, so you can get your deposit back. Can't wait to see you at the wedding." Be sure not to share your other plans with anyone.  If they bring it up, smile and say you want everyone to be surprised and dazzled by what you've got in mind.  You aren't obligated to share your religious beliefs and plans with other people, and I recommend that you avoid it. Don't let people attemtp to force you with these fait accompli arrangements.   You're an adult now, and NO is not a dirty word.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Oh, nobody is forcing me into anything.  We've actually already discussed the ceremony plans with everybody, so that EVERYONE knows that it is not going to be a church wedding.  We wanted that to be known from the start, so that there was no misconceptions. 

    The main problem I'm having is that we have now had several talks with grandma about the ceremony, explaining it will NOT be in the church, that our friend is marrying us, etc. . . . and she's pulling this nonsense.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:da103c81-ffc7-482f-bbe4-6fb6b11fc723">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meddling Grandmother :  Our parents, siblings, aunts/uncles know, but it's being kept on the DL from gma because I can assure you she was a very active member of the harassing party. 
    Posted by kjfl3005[/QUOTE]

    Okay, with all of this information, I'm not sure why you consider your grandmother to be sweet but meddlesome.  She isn't sweet.  She's manipulative and controlling and clearly has no respect for other people's autonomy.  Stop talking to her about your wedding, no matter what plans she takes it upon herself to make, and seriously reconsider how much involvement she will have in your life going forward.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:580bb409-f9c8-4e6b-8f89-6516360a7923">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meddling Grandmother : Okay, with all of this information, I'm not sure why you consider your grandmother to be sweet but meddlesome.  She isn't sweet.  She's manipulative and controlling and clearly has no respect for other people's autonomy.  Stop talking to her about your wedding, no matter what plans she takes it upon herself to make, and seriously reconsider how much involvement she will have in your life going forward.
    Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

    You suggest that I cut her out of my life?  That's a little judgmental. 

    We actually do have a good relationship other than this nonsense. 
  • Update:

    So grandma has been given a stern talking to that we are the only ones making decisions, regardless of whether or not she agrees with them.  She is keeping the reservation because she thinks we'll change our minds.  Not gonna happen. I can't force her to cancel, but I am going to call the church tomorrow to tell them that we have no intention to get married there so they don't bother us with the mandatory classes and trips they make couples take.  I'm hoping once it's clear we aren't going to abide by their rules, they'll cancel so some other girl doesn't miss out if she wants the church that day.



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-grandmother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24af6845-63bf-4dbd-913a-a7922016ea68Post:8bbb6b84-9c7f-4469-810b-efab4cc06a3c">Re: Meddling Grandmother</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good for you! Nobody is suggesting that you cut her out of your life.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I am!
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