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Jack and Jill

malenfapmalenfap member
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in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
There is more to this story, but I will not get too into it. My step-mother, and soon to be mom in law have gotten together to plan a jack and jill for us. Initially my mom-in-law wanted it to be a stag and doe, but step-mother (who has been in my life for 2 years!) said no. 

I had a discussion with step-mom and my dad last night, as they are throwing it in our honour (which i completely get, so please don't condemn me for making requests as my mom-in-law was encouraging our participation) and requested that we be able to provide the music-list, the pictures for the slide show, and play some games that are age-appropriat to our friends.

My step-mom then made it very crystal clear that while this is being thrown in honour of us, it isn't about us and will not reflect us at all.

Am I crazy or is this standard for showers? I thought when you throw a shower for someone you do it to reflect the couples tastes and values, things that would make them happy...and not just a party for yourselves?


She even said she doesn't understand why we would have music as there will be no dancing. Yet, we are in a space that we have used before, and there is always dancing. I am completely crushed by her callousness.

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Re: Jack and Jill

  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    When someone throws you a shower, it shouldn't be something you'll hate, but you don't get to plan it.  If the host is blatantly ignoring your personality and doesn't care if you like the party, then it would be appropriate to decline the party from that person.  What you have described does not rise to that level, IMO.  I think it was overstepping for you to ask to provide the playlist, photos, and games.  
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  • malenfapmalenfap member
    First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:643b5784-f48b-404e-bf0a-d6229dc228e1">Re: Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]When someone throws you a shower, it shouldn't be something you'll hate, but you don't get to plan it.  If the host is blatantly ignoring your personality and doesn't care if you like the party, then it would be appropriate to decline the party from that person.  What you have described does not rise to that level, IMO.  I think it was overstepping for you to ask to provide the playlist, photos, and games.  
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>we were actually asked to do this by my soon to be Mother in law....since they are planning it together, and my dad's wife has been the naysayer, i wanted to discuss things with them before moving forward. I don't think I overstepped at all. and it really is at that level, with the extra details which are just heartbreaking for me to get into.</div>
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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Maybe this is a stupid question but what is the difference between a Jack and Jill and a Stag and Doe?
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    Teddy, I think the Jack and Jill is a co-ed shower, not a fundraising Stag and Doe.


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Ok. That makes sense. Thanks Addie.
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  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    If you are having a stag and doe...I can tell you from my own experience that the idea wont go over well here on these boards. With that said, please rethink this idea about doing it. I thought it was a good idea at first too, but after hearing from all the ladies on this board and really thinking about it, I realized it wasnt really a good idea at all. First, anybody that is not invited to the wedding, they should not be invited to any prewedding parties. & the idea of people giving you money to help fund your wedding just isnt really a good idea. Please please rethink this idea.
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    Erm, a party is 'heartbreaking' and it's 'callous' that you don't get to dance?  

    If drinking and having a good time with your friends and family is so harrowing to you, just decline the party.  Don't turn it into this big Greek tragedy where people die because you don't get your way over every single detail.

    I'm going to be shaking my head for a year over the idea of a Jack and Jill party being 'heartbreaking'.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    Jack and Jills aren't fundraisers?

     Everyone of them that I've been to has been. Is it the wrong term?

     Typically I have gone and the food was paid for by family, but I've had to buy tickets or have been encouraged to give a donation that goes to the couple. Then, you pay for dances and raffles for random crap that people had in their basement and if there's something nice, it might be encouraged that the winner donate it to the bride and groom.

    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:e4630e24-de1b-42bb-9541-1edf40c7edc1">Re: Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]Teddy, I think the Jack and Jill is a co-ed shower, not a fundraising Stag and Doe.
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Wow, I had no idea what a Stag and Doe was until now.  I just wiki'd it and was appalled.  I think I always thought it was Stag and Hen.....like the bachelor/ette type parties that happen in the UK.

    </div>
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  • zizibetzizibet member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Muppet, in some areas, jack and Jill just refers to a couples' shower, which is what she may be talking about.
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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    OP, 2 words: Harlem Shake. Do it. Dance party accomplished.
    image
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm so confused. She's calling it a shower but is upset there will be no dancing. I've never seen dancing at a shower. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Ideally, yes, a shower host would take the guests of honor into account and plan something based on that.  However, if the host doesn't want to do that for some reason, I don't think sucking it up and being gracious for a few hours is going to kill you, even if the party isn't exactly what you would have planned.  Being crushed and heartbroken over this is a bit much.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:460e8078-d090-42fd-8903-7b0b4be985bc">Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am completely crushed by her callousness.
    Posted by malenfap[/QUOTE]

    Dramatic much? I fear how you'd respond to actual, legit problems.

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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I am confused... if something is in honour of you, doesn't that make it about you?
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:958dcb03-6159-4b1d-ab58-c25d0b8bb059">Re: Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've never seen dancing or<strong> alcohol</strong> at a shower.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Really? Regional thing? I have never been to a shower WITHOUT alcohol.
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  • OhmyashleyyOhmyashleyy
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:1785a165-1801-40ae-94cb-d994491353ed">Re: Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jack and Jills aren't fundraisers?  Everyone of them that I've been to has been. Is it the wrong term?  Typically I have gone and the food was paid for by family, but I've had to buy tickets or have been encouraged to give a donation that goes to the couple. Then, you pay for dances and raffles for random crap that people had in their basement and if there's something nice, it might be encouraged that the winner donate it to the bride and groom.
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what I've always heard Jack and Jill's referring to. I can't stand them. But apparently the names are all mixed up and mean different things</div><div>
    </div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_jack-and-jill?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77f319b8-1cbf-4c5a-92cc-14495ebeb8a6Post:2f1b5451-d29c-4e28-9096-2b29adbe4587">Re: Jack and Jill</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Jack and Jill : Really? Regional thing? I have never been to a shower WITHOUT alcohol.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Most I've been to have served mimosas or something similar. </div>
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