To invite or not to invite?

kes166 · April 2013

I'm getting married in June 2014 and I'm currently in the process of working on our guest list so I can send save the dates to our "A-list". My parents are helping with the wedding (and by helping, I mean paying for since I am a senior in college and do not have the funds to pay for a wedding), and they've given my fiancé and me a 150guest limit. At first, we thought this would be great - but our family takes up 140 of 150 spots, which means that we can invite a grand total of 5 friends each. Hence the B-list - we'll be inviting other friends if/when family members RSVP no. For those of you opposed to the B-list: that issue has been resolved; I had a lot of feedback that helped me realize that it's probably not the best route to go with.

So here's the problem: I had a college roommate for freshman year and most of sophomore year. Freshman year, we were attached at the hip - we spent all our time together, joined a sorority together... we were best friends. Then, during our sophomore year, we had a huge fight (mainly because we spent so much time together) and I moved out. We've patched things up since then, but we are nowhere near as close as we used to be. When I got engaged a few months ago, it looked like we were getting back to our old friendship, but in the semester since, we've drifted apart even more. There's no hostility, but I've realized that she adds nothing but drama to my life and I highly doubt that we're going to keep in touch after graduation. I have other friends who I'm much closer to and who I'd much prefer to have at our special day rather than her, so I do not want her at my wedding anymore. However, I complicated things for myself even more by verbally telling her when I first got engaged that she would be among the 5 friends who I would definitely be inviting.

I know that it's incredibly rude not to invite someone after I told them that I would. However, I also know that this isn't someone who I really want to be there and I probably won't ever see her again after next month (except for the wedding, if I invite her). So I was just wondering if some other brides could give me some advice. Do I suck it up and invite her, even though there are other people who I'd rather have there? Or do I completely ignore social etiquette and simply not invite her, knowing that it will ruin a friendship that has been dying for a long time?

harper0813 · April 2013

To be honest, I don't think you'll like the responses you'll receive here.

If I were you, I would turn down my parents' money. They are using money as power to control your guest list. 140 spots, 10 spots left?

I would save up for a wedding you can afford and invite who you want. Because B-listing is insulting to the B-listed AND it will be a major headache for you.

This is exactly what my parents wanted me to do. And I said no and that I would pay for the wedding myself. And you know what they did? Because they wanted to see me get married and be happy, they cut back on their list. They still have more than their share, but they increased the budget so that they could accomodate more people and FI and I get to invite all of our friends.

AddieCake · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:ae3a8682-6abb-43ff-a835-90e7f6c175f4">To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married in June 2014 and I'm currently in the process of working on our guest list so I can send save the dates to our "A-list". My parents are helping with the wedding (and by helping, I mean paying for since I am a senior in college and do not have the funds to pay for a wedding), and they've given my fiancé and me a 150guest limit. At first, we thought this would be great - but our family takes up 140 of 150 spots, which means that we can invite a grand total of 5 friends each. Hence the B-list - we'll be inviting other friends if/when family members RSVP no. So here's the problem: I had a college roommate for freshman year and most of sophomore year. Freshman year, we were attached at the hip - we spent all our time together, joined a sorority together... we were best friends. Then, during our sophomore year, we had a huge fight (mainly because we spent so much time together) and I moved out. We've patched things up since then, but we are nowhere near as close as we used to be. When I got engaged a few months ago, it looked like we were getting back to our old friendship, but in the semester since, we've drifted apart even more. There's no hostility, but I've realized that she adds nothing but drama to my life and I highly doubt that we're going to keep in touch after graduation. I have other friends who I'm much closer to and who I'd much prefer to have at our special day rather than her, so I do not want her on the A-list anymore. If enough spaces open up, I might put her on the B-list, but she would be underneath 5-10 other people. However, I complicated things for myself even more by verbally telling her when I first got engaged that she would be among the 5 friends who I would definitely be inviting. I know that it's incredibly rude not to invite someone after I told them that I would. However, I also know that this isn't someone who I really want to be there and I probably won't ever see her again after next month (except for the wedding, if I invite her). So I was just wondering if some other brides could give me some advice. Do I suck it up and put her on the A-list? Do I put her on the B-list and hope she won't be too offended if she doesn't get an invitation? If you were in my situation, what would you do?
Posted by karaelaine1991[/QUOTE]<div>I confess I didn't read past the phrase "B list" b/c B lists are rude, and if you're going to do one, I can't contribute any advice b/c I don't want to support this idea in any way.

</div>

kes166 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:904c829a-f53b-4e78-8a91-5a3ceaa12bc6">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I don't think you'll like the responses you'll receive here. If I were you, I would turn down my parents' money. They are using money as power to control your guest list. 140 spots, 10 spots left? I would save up for a wedding you can afford and invite who you want. Because B-listing is insulting to the B-listed AND it will be a major headache for you. This is exactly what my parents wanted me to do. And I said no and that I would pay for the wedding myself. And you know what they did? Because they wanted to see me get married and be happy, they cut back on their list. They still have more than their share, but they increased the budget so that they could accomodate more people and FI and I get to invite all of our friends.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for your input! :)

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kes166 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:f4a6c915-c6dd-49e5-ba7f-ef86364db68e">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to To invite or not to invite? : I confess I didn't read past the phrase "B list" b/c B lists are rude, and if you're going to do one, I can't contribute any advice b/c I don't want to support this idea in any way.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for your input! It was actually a suggestion made to me by some of my other sorority sisters when I explained to them about the limits on my guest list, so I know that they're not offended by it. But thanks again for your feedback :)

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libby2483 · April 2013

I did the exact same thing as Addie and stopped reading after the "B-list" part. Please don't have a "B-list". No matter how tactful you think you are being, your guests will find out, and people who were B-listed will be hurt.

You could offer to pay for an extra 10 guests so that you and your FI could each invite 10 friends (if your parents are okay with this). You could also see if there is any room to trim the family list; perhaps you could cut cousin's children or second cousins (with your parents' approval, of course). You could also decline your parents' money and plan the wedding that you want, even if it means waiting a while.

JoanE2012 · April 2013

I also didn't read past the B-list.

Just because your sorority sisters suggest it doesn't make it a good idea. It's incredibly rude. If you are not happy with the guest limit, then decline your parents offer of help and save up and do the wedding your way. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

QueerFemme · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:b1623bb1-6f2a-4eac-8e07-b0976c1db13c">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To invite or not to invite? : Thanks for your input! It was actually a suggestion made to me by some of my other sorority sisters when I explained to them about the limits on my guest list, so I know that they're not offended by it. But thanks again for your feedback :)
Posted by karaelaine1991[/QUOTE]

B lists are rude. Just because your sorority sister told it was ok, doesn't make it less rude. Invite who you want to invite in the first wave. The end. No B list.

kes166 · April 2013

Thanks for the help everyone. It hasn't really helped to make up my mind about what to do about my former roommate (which was what I was really looking for), but I think that rather than have a b-list, I'll have a casual post-honeymoon celebration with my friends who I am unable to invite. It seems like a good compromise for that issue.

libby2483 · April 2013

Do we have the same former roommate? What you described was almost my exact situation with one of my roommates in college.

As for inviting her, since you already verbally invited her, you should invite her unless you are willing to take the risk of ending or causing further damage to your relationship. It sounds like you think the friendship will die out soon; if you aren't concerned with maintaining the friendship, then you don't *have* to invite her. However, etiquette-wise, inviting her is the right thing to do, and it is also the right choice if you want to maintain the friendship.

kes166 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:2ea37ff7-0f7b-4a8d-8c98-31e60dd558f9">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do we have the same former roommate? What you described was almost my exact situation with one of my roommates in college. As for inviting her, since you already verbally invited her, you should invite her unless you are willing to take the risk of ending or causing further damage to your relationship. It sounds like you think the friendship will die out soon; if you aren't concerned with maintaining the friendship, then you don't *have* to invite her. However, etiquette-wise, inviting her is the right thing to do, and it is also the right choice if you want to maintain the friendship.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm so glad that someone can actually relate to my predicament!! Haha I am like kicking myself over verbally inviting her... I know it's the right thing to do, and honestly, I probably will end up inviting her. It'll probably depend on how the rest of the semester goes. Thanks so much for your advice, it was really very helpful!

</div>

KaskeyWedding08 · April 2013

Honestly, I was on a 'B-list' for a wedding and at first I was offended, but then remembered what it was like planning my wedding. You have a budget and when you have a LARGE family, like I do, it makes it difficult to be able to invite all your friends. When you have people RSVP no, why not fill that spot? We went to the wedding, had a great time and never thought twice about being on the B-list!

As for your former roommate, I wouldn't invite her. I know it makes it harder since you verbally invited her, but if you aren't as close anymore why take up a spot, especially since your friend spots are so limited- save those spots for your closest friends.

Good luck!

kes166 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:03b6abb7-395f-43e0-8fca-245c64d7055d">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I was on a 'B-list' for a wedding and at first I was offended, but then remembered what it was like planning my wedding. You have a budget and when you have a LARGE family, like I do, it makes it difficult to be able to invite all your friends. When you have people RSVP no, why not fill that spot? We went to the wedding, had a great time and never thought twice about being on the B-list! As for your former roommate, I wouldn't invite her. I know it makes it harder since you verbally invited her, but if you aren't as close anymore why take up a spot, especially since your friend spots are so limited- save those spots for your closest friends. Good luck!
Posted by KaskeyWedding08[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks so much for your input! That was my thinking with the b-list... it would never have occured to me until my friends suggested it and at first I was like "omg, you wouldn't be offended?!" They just want to be able to be there, from what they've said to me. In fact, they even said that they're okay with me not even feeding them and just coming after the dinner part of the reception is over but I think that kind of draws the line - I would feel so guilty if they drove all the way to my hometown (I live about 4 hours away from most of them), paid for a hotel room, paid for a wedding gift... and then I didn't even feed them. So THAT is definitely not an option haha. But I am still *kind of* considering the b-list. I'm really not sure. I think an after party is a great compromise - but I also have the kind of friends who will literally just show up to the ceremony if that's what they need to do in order to be there for me, even if I'm not able to invite them to the reception - I'm so blessed to have them! :) </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks so much for your support and well-wishes :)

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vt&dt · April 2013

I would suggest asking your parents if you and your fiance could cover the difference if you were to invite __ more people. If the venue has space for more, the difference would really be in the catering and drinks. If there's enough time for you two to save a little bit, that might work for you. If you'd up the guest list from 150 to 170, you could offer to pay for the last 20 (if catering/drinks is $20/per person that would be $400 - maybe worth it to be able to invite?)

I think you might miss having some friends there on the big day! It's tough to draw the line on your invite list... best of luck!!

vt&dt · April 2013

I would suggest asking your parents if you and your fiance could cover the difference if you were to invite __ more people. If the venue has space for more, the difference would really be in the catering and drinks. If there's enough time for you two to save a little bit, that might work for you. If you'd up the guest list from 150 to 170, you could offer to pay for the last 20 (if catering/drinks is $20/per person that would be $400 - maybe worth it to be able to invite?)

I think you might miss having some friends there on the big day! It's tough to draw the line on your invite list... best of luck!!

kes166 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:53e22621-f4ad-4ec3-982d-0185074b74f0Post:6faab8f4-fac7-4d81-b6dc-5cd599838b8f">Re: To invite or not to invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would suggest asking your parents if you and your fiance could cover the difference if you were to invite __ more people. If the venue has space for more, the difference would really be in the catering and drinks. If there's enough time for you two to save a little bit, that might work for you. If you'd up the guest list from 150 to 170, you could offer to pay for the last 20 (if catering/drinks is $20/per person that would be $400 - maybe worth it to be able to invite?) I think you might miss having some friends there on the big day! It's tough to draw the line on your invite list... best of luck!!
Posted by vt&dt[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for the suggestion! I'm definitely going to consider that. Our venue charges $40/person for food so it's a bit pricier but I think that perhaps it would be worth it if that means that I can include more friends :)

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