How to respond to this.

Vintagelove4 · April 2013

So I know that I'm the young one around here but this still shocked me.

FI's cousin, M, got engaged last night. No big deal right? Wrong. The girl is 17 and not even out of high school yet! He'll be 21 soon. Neither of them have even lived on their own. She has never had a job and he works part time and has no benefits. They have been together a grand total of 5 months.
The kicker is they are talking about having their wedding mid September of this year. She won't be 18 till October.

I feel almost like a hypocrite but to me this just sounds like a recipe for a nasty break up. FI was in shock when he heard then ranted about all of the above. When FI text M and asked why he proposed so soon M responded, "Well, when you know you know." I'm not even joking those where his exact words.

Neither FI or I really know how to respond to this. We've just said congrats and that's all.

How would you ladies respond?

KeptInStitches · April 2013

I'd leave it at congrats, but then I'm a coward when it comes to stuff like this.

ETA: Unless I was specifically asked to step in, in which case I would find a way to carefully word my concerns.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

I agree with Kept...I'd just leave it at congrats.

Is your FI close with his cousin? Possibly if they're close that could warrant a deeper discussion. If not, i'd say keep your opinions to yourselves and just see how it plays out. Are his/her parents in support of the engagement?

Vintagelove4 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-respond-to-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dc996785-57a8-4767-88b3-c3e35dea502fPost:eb686f6c-1018-40a5-a0b2-f6d60b62fb1b">Re: How to respond to this.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Kept...I'd just leave it at congrats. Is your FI close with his cousin? Possibly if they're close that could warrant a deeper discussion. If not, i'd say keep your opinions to yourselves and just see how it plays out. Are his/her parents in support of the engagement?
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

They used to be very close growing up but have grown apart over the last few years. His parents are in hesitant support. They wish that they where waiting instead but they will support him in what ever he does really. :/
Like Kept said, I think I'll just leave it at congrats.

thejucheidea · April 2013

... is that even legal? I think you have to have parental permission in the state of Tennessee to marry a minor.

And unfortunately, the only thing you can do is sit back and watch. I want to tell my sister the myriad reasons she shouldn't be with her much older fiance, but that would just make her want to be with him more, so I can't bother.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

I agree with PPs. I feel that it wouldn't be my place to say anything but congratulations.

I've had a few friends from high school do pretty much the same thing right as they graduated high school and one relationship ended before the marriage, one got divorced after less than a year of marriage, and the other is happily married with a baby.

Vintagelove4 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-respond-to-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dc996785-57a8-4767-88b3-c3e35dea502fPost:fbf791fa-8186-43a7-82f7-9e99c9a8ebaa">Re: How to respond to this.</a>:
[QUOTE]... is that even legal? I think you have to have parental permission in the state of Tennessee to marry a minor. And unfortunately, the only thing you can do is sit back and watch. I want to tell my sister the myriad reasons she shouldn't be with her much older fiance, but that would just make her want to be with him more, so I can't bother.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

FI and his cousin already talked about this. The state of South Dakota requires parental permission to marry a minor as well; and her parents are apparently willing to give that.

I wish I could just invite her to join TK and let some sense get knocked into the two of them but I've only talked to the girl twice. Who knows M might ask FI for some advice.

bethsmiles · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-respond-to-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dc996785-57a8-4767-88b3-c3e35dea502fPost:a3de5c7c-a6c9-4c33-8b33-19cc35604cd9">How to respond to this.</a>:
[QUOTE]So I know that I'm the young one around here but this still shocked me. FI's cousin, M, got engaged last night. No big deal right? Wrong. The girl is 17 and not even out of high school yet! He'll be 21 soon. Neither of them have even lived on their own. She has never had a job and he works part time and has no benefits. They have been together a grand total of 5 months. The kicker is they are talking about having their wedding mid September of this year. She won't be 18 till October. I feel almost like a hypocrite but to me this just sounds like a recipe for a nasty break up. FI was in shock when he heard then ranted about all of the above. When FI text M and asked why he proposed so soon M responded,<strong> "Well, when you know you know." </strong>I'm not even joking those where his exact words. Neither FI or I really know how to respond to this. We've just said congrats and that's all. How would you ladies respond?
Posted by Lilyrose4242[/QUOTE]

I HATE it when people say this. I feel like it implies that people who choose to wait for whatever reasons aren't sure which can be entirely untrue. BF and I have been talking about marriage for 3 years now. We are sure but we aren't going to be irresponsible just because we are sure about each other.

Anyways, back to your question: if you are close with her then I think it would be okay to bring up your concerns with her, ask what the rush is worth, and so on. If you aren't close say congrats and leave it at that. It's their life and they can make their own mistakes.

ETA: Just read your responses - it doesn't sounds like you or your FI are super close to them so I would just say congrats and keep your mouths shut about everything else.

Swazzle · April 2013

Ditto PP. I wouldn't press the issue any further. That's crazy though.

s-aries8990 · April 2013

Ditto beth - I hate it when people say "When you know, you know." OR "If you know, why wait?" It's like if you know, why NOT wait? There's no need to rush just because URSOINLOVEOMG!!! You change a LOT between 17 and 22. Sometimes you change together, sometimes you change and grow apart.

BF and I STILL aren't engaged because I don't want like a 5 or 6 year engagement and I can't move just yet (continuing family drama- fingers crossed it's ended by summer!) OR afford the wedding I want (some sort of open bar is non-negotiable). I'd rather wait until my life is settled a bit more and I can afford what I want.

lennonkdc · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-respond-to-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dc996785-57a8-4767-88b3-c3e35dea502fPost:58ab1196-5060-48c4-9f6b-b56afad381a4">Re: How to respond to this.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say congrats and then side eye the shiiiit out of it.
Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I would then make popcorn, sit back and watch it all unfold...</div>

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

There is nothing you can do except leave it at congrats.

Blue & White · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-respond-to-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dc996785-57a8-4767-88b3-c3e35dea502fPost:39e8a30d-2d61-49c7-b0b8-5eb4e1d169bd">Re: How to respond to this.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to respond to this. : I<strong> HATE it when people say this. I feel like it implies that people who choose to wait for whatever reasons aren't sure which can be entirely untrue.</strong> BF and I have been talking about marriage for 3 years now. We are sure but we aren't going to be irresponsible just because we are sure about each other. Anyways, back to your question: if you are close with her then I think it would be okay to bring up your concerns with her, ask what the rush is worth, and so on. If you aren't close say congrats and leave it at that. It's their life and they can make their own mistakes. ETA: Just read your responses - it doesn't sounds like you or your FI are super close to them so I would just say congrats and keep your mouths shut about everything else.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Dear Beth,

The one couple that used this line of crock on us? Let's just say we're not friends anymore. She also told me that my relationship (of 1 or so years by then) wasn't as good as her relationship of like...2 weeks because she already lived with him. They're married with two kids now, but I'd never know if it was a happy marriage because oh yea, they don't talk to ANYONE ever. Why should I waste time being your friend if you can't make time to be mine?
Duh, I hate that line. I think your relationship is awesome - because when you know you're not a dummy, you know.

Dear OP,

I think you do have to stay at the congrats line, unfortunately. The wedding I vented about above? Both the groom's parents told us how big a mistake he was making. It was SO AWKWARD. Good luck.

And please don't let this engagement undermine your feelings about your BF. Or make you question things. Some girls just want to be married and having babies instantly. I am not wired that way, and I don't think it is a bad thing if you're not :)

-B&W

doubleSS07 · April 2013

I have to agree that I hate that line too! My one friend (who does everything super fast and half assed) used this line on me 2 years ago after she moved in with her BF of a month, got pregnant 4 months later and then got married March of 2012...Her husband walked out in November. Apparently he knew and then he didn't.

OP I'd probably tread lightly as well and just stick with congrats. Sometimes there's nothing you can do when 2 people are determined other than sit back and watch the train crash.

MsYeck · April 2013

I think it is crazy the parents will sign the permission form

annmarie714 · April 2013

It will all end. Sooner or later, it will end. While you may want to alleviate the drama and hurt feelings by intervening, you'll only be seen as the "bad guy". Stay far away from this and don't even touch it with a 10' pole.

Anoki · April 2013

It's popcorn time!

Yeah just stay with congrats and break out the drinks and snacks to watch the ensuing theater.

Heck when i was in the position where i /could/ say something, i still didnt. It was her choice to marry a guy she had known for three months and she was a grown woman.

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