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I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice

So I don't really have friends that I'm super close to right now.  I had a falling out with my college bestie, and ended up losing touch with that whole group of friends (not because of issues with them, I just avoided bringing anyone into the middlle of our fight and distanced myself from them all, and in the process realized she was the only one of them I was really close to in the first place).  I'm not the outgoing type and am slow to make friends, or at least becoming close friends.  I have a new group of friends but I still don't feel super close to any one of them.  A couple of these girls are both friends to me and FI and I really think we get along well, I think they are amazing girls.   We've recently started hanging out more but it's still not like we are besties.  However, I still kind of want to ask them to be my bridesmaids.  I'm just worried that they will be like "whoa I don't know you like that" or would feel awkward by me asking.  (I also am not sure if I should wait longer or ask now..the wedding is in Oct)  I definitely would feel honored to have them  and I know they are excited for FI and I.  I just don't know if it's too intimate of a thing to ask of "new" friends. Fi keeps telling me to ask them and insisting that they really like me a lot and I should be more outgoing in trying to do things with them so that I can build a deeper friendship.  I just feel like why should I push it when they all seem to already have a ton of their own friends that they are close to...why would they need me. agh I'm such a socially awkward nutcase.  Is this totally weird of me? I don't want to have them just to have them be workhorses, or props, or anything btw, I just would like some lady friends to have up there with me and share the day with.  These two girls have been particularly nice to me and supportive of my relationship with FI (which my ex-best friend was not, and not in the "I'm looking out for you, friend" kind of way). I figure since our wedding is going to be super casual and I wouldn't be asking anything of them other than getting whatever dress they want, it wouldn't be too presumptuous to think they wouldn't mind doing it... but I really don't know.  Would you feel awkward if a girl you weren't that close to and hadn't known for more than a year asked you to be in the WP?

Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice

  • laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:4fda5175-c5cf-4a27-a276-8b30ba48a9ff">Re:I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need you to define "new" and "recently" before I can answer. Are we talking about girls you've known for a year or more, or girls you met 3 months ago.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I've known them for just about a year now.

    * I haven't had much one on one time with either of them until the past couple of months though.  Most of my interactions previously have been in a small group setting.  
  • I can sympathize about making new friends slowly. If you've been hanging out with them one-on-one for a few months now after knowing them for a year, I don't see the harm in it. Do you get together and girl-talk chat and stuff like that or is it more so small talk (you don't have to answer that - just something to think about)? If its the first, I can't imagine someone feeling weird about it but if it's the latter there's a possibility.




  • You could also have bridesmen if you have some close guy friends. 
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Definitely ask them if you want them to stand by your side on your wedding day.

    If you'd ask them just because you feel that you NEED to have bridesmaids...then skip it.

    Make sure to ask each girl privately and be prepared that it's always possible they might decline.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:2070d661-0e97-4435-b70e-ac99b544dbb1">I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I don't really have friends that I'm super close to right now.  I had a falling out with my college bestie, and ended up losing touch with that whole group of friends (not because of issues with them, I just avoided bringing anyone into the middlle of our fight and distanced myself from them all, and in the process realized she was the only one of them I was really close to in the first place).  I'm not the outgoing type and am slow to make friends, or at least becoming close friends.  I have a new group of friends but I still don't feel super close to any one of them.  A couple of these girls are both friends to me and FI and I really think we get along well, I think they are amazing girls.   We've recently started hanging out more but it's still not like we are besties.  However, I still kind of want to ask them to be my bridesmaids.  I'm just worried that they will be like "whoa I don't know you like that" or would feel awkward by me asking.  (I also am not sure if I should wait longer or ask now..the wedding is in Oct)  I definitely would feel honored to have them  and I know they are excited for FI and I.  I just don't know if it's too intimate of a thing to ask of "new" friends. Fi keeps telling me to ask them and insisting that they really like me a lot and I should be more outgoing in trying to do things with them so that I can build a deeper friendship.  I just feel like why should I push it when they all seem to already have a ton of their own friends that they are close to...why would they need me. agh I'm such a socially awkward nutcase.  Is this totally weird of me? I don't want to have them just to have them be workhorses, or props, or anything btw, I just would like some lady friends to have up there with me and share the day with.  These two girls have been particularly nice to me and supportive of my relationship with FI (which my ex-best friend was not, and not in the "I'm looking out for you, friend" kind of way). I figure since our wedding is going to be super casual and I wouldn't be asking anything of them other than getting whatever dress they want, it wouldn't be too presumptuous to think they wouldn't mind doing it... but I really don't know.  Would you feel awkward if a girl you weren't that close to and hadn't known for more than a year asked you to be in the WP?
    Posted by laylasaurus[/QUOTE]

    <div>A friend of my FI got married last year and I had only met the bride a few times before she asked me to be a BM. I accepted because it's one of FI's close buddies and figured that it makes sense. </div><div>
    </div><div>However, she was a major bridezilla and after the wedding FI and I have distanced ourselves. </div><div>
    </div><div>Little background on bride - she kicked out the MOH 3 times, yes 3 times! For no apparent reason. I am actually closer to the MOH and her and I still talk and we do double dates with her and her FI.</div>
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  • Wait another month or two and if you're still hanging out with them one-on-one or even as a group of the three of you, go ahead and ask.  See if you can increase how much time you guys spend together and decide whether you still feel the same.  Personally, if all I had to do was show up in a dress of my choosing, I'd be happy to be a bridesmaid for a newish friend.
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  • laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    Thanks for all the input ladies. I do honestly want to be friends with these girls and have them be there with me but I would be lying if I said I didnt feel a need to have them. I know I don't have to have bridesmaids and I probably wouldn't be stressing it if it werent for the fact that FI is going to have 5 groomsmen. I don't care about equal sides but six dudes and then just me on my own seems sad. But thats only a small part of it if not having a wedding party at all were an option, i would still want to ask these girls but wouldnt be stressing it so much. I guess it is a good indicator of our relationship. He is a total social butterfly and without him I would probably be a hermit . I have a cousin I will probably ask but she is going to have a baby and may not be able to come. I dont really have close guy friends either. I will wait and see how things go. We are going to a Braves game Monday with one of the girls and her bf. Since neither she nor I care about baseball, we are just going to get drunk and be jackasses doing the chop or somehing. Should be a good bonding experience since the guys will be ignorimg us or boring us with stats. Thanks again all of you! I feel less awkward about it now, even if they do say no.
  • I would look at using family. When I look back at pictures I want to remember the names of everyone in my bridal family (my aunt annoy remember who 2 of hers where). I am using my sister, my SIL, and my FSIL
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:510f16be-f67c-4404-9eb6-795e7c3b8df7">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]You don't have to have any bridesmaids...they aren't required.
    Posted by leighbie87[/QUOTE]

    THIS!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:b6ad4801-29cc-46e5-9c5b-9af37df516bb">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Obviously they aren't required but I sympathize with the OP feeling sad that her fiance would be up there with five besties and she would have no one. I have okay self esteem but that would freak me out. How far out is your wedding? If it's still about a year you have time to see how these relationships grow for another month or two. If not I would go ahead and ask. They seem supportive.
    Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

    I'm glad I'm not the only one that would feel freaked out by this. My social anxiety is pretty bad, I'm going to be nervous enough standing up in front of all those peope anyway having my side empty would be far worse. Not looking forward to being the center of attention as is.

    I'm not sure when I should ask them, most things I've read have said 6-8 months out.  I'm right about at the 6th month mark, wedding is mid Oct.  Should I wait a month or two, given that it's a local wedding (they both live literally down the street from my venue) and I would be letting them wear whatever dresses they want?  They both already know they are getting invites (they both asked if they'd get to come, in a  "SQUEE!! If you have the room can we come?!" kind of way) and I've mentioned the date, plus I'm sending STD's next week, so does that buy me some extra time?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:a199d34b-b80b-49d2-b66d-f717abc4f8e6">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are your mother and grandmother still living?  In my circle it's considered a high honor to have your mother or grandmother as Matron of Honor.  "Mom, you gave me life, and have been the one constant THROUGH my life.  I can't take this new step without you beside me.  Will you be my Matron of Honor?"  The groom's father is often Best Man.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    That's actually a nice idea. I'm already planning on having my mother walk me down the aisle though, I guess I could still title her that and have her stand with me.  I would love to have my grandmother as a Matron of Honor but she passed away a few years ago. 
  • laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:c2495d95-2571-4500-a2ac-c67121d2da62">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice : A friend of my FI got married last year and I had only met the bride a few times before she asked me to be a BM. I accepted because it's one of FI's close buddies and figured that it makes sense.  However, she was a major bridezilla and after the wedding FI and I have distanced ourselves.  Little background on bride - she kicked out the MOH 3 times, yes 3 times! For no apparent reason. I am actually closer to the MOH and her and I still talk and we do double dates with her and her FI.
    Posted by krose83013[/QUOTE]

    Wow, that is insane.  Who kicks people out of their wedding party?  People who are so ungrateful of their friends that way really piss me off.  I guess these kinds of women have never been without good friends, to take the ones they have for granted like that.  It's cool that you became friends with the MOH though.  I have an acquaintance that was kicked out of a wedding party because she got a tattoo 2 months before the wedding.  The bride said it would ruin her pictures.  This was a tattoo that the girl had been talking about getting for YEARS, and it was in memory of her dead brother. Plus, it was a badass tat, really well done and not crazy huge or anything.  Apparently weddings are a good tell of who one's real friends are. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:d64688a4-e7dd-46f7-b2f0-3431d30b0044">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would look at using family. When I look back at pictures I want to remember the names of everyone in my bridal family (my aunt annoy remember who 2 of hers where). I am using my sister, my SIL, and my FSIL
    Posted by MsYeck[/QUOTE]

    Alas I have no siblings, but holy cow, you have given me the best idea.  I could totally ask my FBILs gf.  She almost certainly will be my FSIL, he has mentioned he'll be asking her soon.  She and I aren't super close either, but we do get along well and I definitely already feel a certain familial bond to her.  We've had certain moments at family gatherings where we've given eachother the "this family is insane, what are we doing?" look lol.  It makes sense to have her up there and would probably be a nice gesture since he is going to be best man.  I can't believe I hadn't thought of it. 
  • edited March 2013
    I echo everyone else's comments about bridesmaids not being a necessity. I am going to a wedding in April where the bride doesn't have any BM/MOH either. Granted, it's a smaller ceremony (about 50 people total, outdoor wedding) but you don't want to look back at your pictures and wonder why you picked them a few years from now. 


  • I have 5 sisters and two of them are in my WP as well as my future step daughter

  • OP, I think you should def ask your friends to be BM. And I think you should def ask your FBILs GF. I have 5 BMs...3 of them are family, one is my best friend and the other is a friend I met only 2 years ago. We met while working in a group home in the area. It was a very small staff. We became friends, but not like best friends. I wanted her there with me on my wedding day because I really cherish our friendship. She is such a good person for me to have in my life. Anyway, sorry for rambling. If you really feel that you want to ask them & you want them with you, then you should.
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  • laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    Hmm.. I get what you all are saying about not wanting to look back on the pictures and wonder why I chose members of the WP, but honestly I know from experience that relationships with people can change whether they are your best friend for years or new friends.  IMO, if these people were special to me at the time and we all had a good time together on the day, then I wouldn't regret choosing them even if we didn't remain friends for years afterwards. Four years after her wedding, my cousin is no longer in touch with 2 of her 3 BMs, but she doesn't regret choosing them. At the time, they were the people she wanted and it meant a lot to her to have them there.  If I were choosing these people  over people that I had a closer relationship with then yeah, it would be totally questionable, but that's not the case. 

    *edited for bad punctuation, grammar
  • I agree with asking them if you want them in your wedding for the right reasons.

    I can empathise. FI could have had ten groomsmen while I would have only had 4 (3 family members 1 friend). He didn't want uneven sides and decided to make it just family. I acted like I didn't care either way but I was soo thankful inside.
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  • I would caution against asking the "new" friends. I had chose my three best friends from high school and college and it turned out kinda crappy because they aren't into the same things as me. I love them dearly but they were miserable and even bratty at times because they didn't like some things that we liked (they are very preppy city girls, and we are country folks). If you do not know these new friends extremely well, you don't know what sort of behaviors to expect from them, and they may not know what exactly you are interested in. I would definitely wait to make sure these girls are right for you. But it sounds like the FBILs gf is a good choice!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:06564984-55c8-4e90-89ed-1ad970672378">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would caution against asking the "new" friends. I had chose my three best friends from high school and college and it turned out kinda crappy because they aren't into the same things as me. I love them dearly but they were miserable and even bratty at times because they didn't like some things that we liked (they are very preppy city girls, and we are country folks). If you do not know these new friends extremely well, you don't know what sort of behaviors to expect from them, and they may not know what exactly you are interested in. I would definitely wait to make sure these girls are right for you. But it sounds like the FBILs gf is a good choice!
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    That's definitely worth considering.  Luckily, one of the reasons why I like these girls is that they are as relaxed as I am about this sort of thing.  I'm not wanting a bachelorette party or shower or like, crafting parties, and they definitely aren't into that sort of thing either. I can't imagine they'll be too many opportunities for discontentment over activities. Plus, I found out this weekend that one of them has social anxiety the way I do and we kind of bonded over that.  I'm pretty sure they'll both be able to handle just putting on a dress and showing up.  Also, they both enjoy drinking and know how to handle their booze like bosses (we're definitely very alike in that way) so I'm not anticipating any drunken bridesmaid drama that I"ve heard horror stories about. If we can hang out listening to records and share a bottle of whiskey at some point prior to the wedding day just to calm my nerves, that would be awesome and I'm 99% positive they would be down for that. I figure I'll give it another month before I decide for sure. 
  • You mentioned that you would be honored to have them up there with you, so I say go for it! I don't have many girl friends either, so I know exactly how you feel. When my fiance proposed, it was one of the first things I freaked out about. My one true friend moved across the country and I haven't seen her in over a year. :( He has tons of friends and my only "friends" now are his friend's wives or girlfriends. They're not really my friends. They're more like girls I hang out with. So, I asked one sister and one sister in law to be my bridesmaids. I wanted to only have 1 (my siser), but he has 2 brothers and wanted them to both be groomsmen, so I went with my sister in law. 

    If you don't want to have bridesmaids though, you don't have to. Remember, it's your wedding. Don't worry about what "tradition" or some book or website tells you that you have to do. I've been planning my wedding as if it's just a big party where I happen to be getting married. That's helped a lot. I don't feel so much pressure to do everything the way that Martha Stewart says I have to do it. For example, no assigned seating at the ceremony or reception. Signs will ask guests to sit where they like because we want them to be comfortable. 

    Hope this helps. Oh, and I'm getting married in October too!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:fa7e4d33-bc72-4a92-aada-af2f9823b576">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]You mentioned that you would be honored to have them up there with you, so I say go for it! I don't have many girl friends either, so I know exactly how you feel. When my fiance proposed, it was one of the first things I freaked out about. My one true friend moved across the country and I haven't seen her in over a year. :( He has tons of friends and my only "friends" now are his friend's wives or girlfriends. They're not really my friends. They're more like girls I hang out with. So, I asked one sister and one sister in law to be my bridesmaids. I wanted to only have 1 (my siser), but he has 2 brothers and wanted them to both be groomsmen, so I went with my sister in law.  If you don't want to have bridesmaids though, you don't have to. Remember, it's your wedding. Don't worry about what "tradition" or some book or website tells you that you have to do. I've been planning my wedding as if it's just a big party where I happen to be getting married. That's helped a lot. I don't feel so much pressure to do everything the way that Martha Stewart says I have to do it. For example, no assigned seating at the ceremony or reception. Signs will ask guests to sit where they like because we want them to be comfortable.  Hope this helps. Oh, and I'm getting married in October too!
    Posted by od307202[/QUOTE]

    I think we must be bride-twins! I totally get it, I'm in the same boat as far as being "friends" with the wives/gfs of all my FI friends.  I'm so with you on not being stuck on things just to be traditional or Martha Stewart-esque.  I def don't want matchy bridesmaids and don't care if sides are even.  I just want to have the girls with me on the day for support. I pretty much want it to be a big party too, just to treat all our friends and family.  We're not doing assigned seating either or anything like that which isn't required to host people politely.  We're having BBQ catered and then making all the sides ourselves (FI is a chef) so that we can put more money towards the bar.  Most of the people we know work in the service industry and definitely like to drink at a party. 

    Thanks for the advice! Good luck with your wedding, October is a beautiful time for a wedding, IMO!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-dont-have-bridesmaids-yetneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:71747b69-d0eb-4fe5-8936-9188f44eccf0Post:d860182b-99d9-4b5a-8841-a1f91eb24a49">Re: I don't have bridesmaids yet..need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dislike assigned seating, and didn't have it at any of my weddings.  Widowed once, divorced once prior to this, and the first wedding was close to 200 people. We had no issues with "people wandering around confused" or "saving seats" or "not finding a place to sit", as some insist "always" happens.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    Yeah, I'm of the opinion that adults are fully capable of seating themselves without major incident.  I've never been to a wedding that had assigned seating, never had a problem.  Once my date and I had a hard time finding seats together; we were going to just sit in the ones we found because they were still at the same table, but the people sitting there kindly offered to shift over so we could sit next to eachother.  It was totally fine and we had a great time sitting with complete strangers.  It's a silly thing to worry about. 
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