Moms and Maids

Why is there an urgency to pick out my bridal party already? How do I stop family from overstepping

I fear I am on the verge of a melt down and I have only been engaged for two weeks!

I have been consistently hounded about who's going to be in the wedding party.  How many people are going to stand up at the alter with us.  What the color & style the gowns are going to be.  What gifts am I planning on giving my maids...etc...

And then the line got really crossed...but let me give you a little back story first...

My FI and I are planning our wedding for June 2014.  In fact, we are in the process of making our decision between two places.  There will be a confirmed date and deposit set by the end of the month.  I have said to my family and friends (mainly family) that I'm not setting ANY details until all things are secure...

Plus, I have a little more on my plate right now.  I am the MOH at one of my best and dearest friend's wedding that is taking place this August.  It's more important to me right now to be as on top of my game for her.  I cannot possibly juggle two weddings at once.  It's not fair for either of us.    

Of course, I pretty much already know who I'm going to ask to be a BM.  It's just not the right time yet.  In confidence, I discussed with my mother what I was possibly planning on doing and told her NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.  I needed to cordinate with my FI and see who he was thinking of asking (that's a mess too).  I also expressed that I wanted to do something really special and by suprise.  I needed to have "talks" with them about the financial responsibility, travel, etc. to ensure I was stretching anyone's resources too far.

Two days later I get a text from my cousin asking me what color the bridesmaid dresses were going to be.  A little putoff I replied that I hadn't had time to think about it yet.  The next thing she said to me was her dad told me you were going to make me a bridesmaid (her dad is my mom's brother).  I was HORRIFIED!!!  I tried to handle the situation with diplomacy.  I told her I hadn't thought about it yet.  Nor, did my FI decide if we were going to elope or go traditional.  Essentially, I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up yet.

Ever since then I have been SOOO mad at my mom!  She admitted to telling my uncle!  Her defense was that my cousin probably 'assumed' she would be in it anyway.  How could she go behind my back and tell people all the details that I'm still trying to figure out. 

Then it happed again today from another family member.  What's with the urgency to pick our party. Why can't all of this bridal party stuff just wait until after August?  It's still 10 months notice!!!  
I just have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

Re: Why is there an urgency to pick out my bridal party already? How do I stop family from overstepping

  • Sorry you have to deal with this, OP.  I understand your frustration completely.  Two weeks into my engagement, I just wanted to sit back, relax, and celebrate!  This is an exciting time for you, so congratulations!

    I would recommend not sharing any more private details with your mom.  Mine can do the same thing, and has been talking to her coworkers all about my wedding.  I've been very careful about what I've told her.  Calmly tell your mom that it hurt when she talked to other people about it, then try to let your anger go.   Don't tell her anything else you'd rather be kept private.
     
    It is absolutely fine to wait until August.  You probably shouldn't do it any sooner. At the very least, you shouldn't ask anyone until you have secured a date and location. Waiting to ask your bridal party until August or September is perfectly acceptable.

    I think you've handled the situation well so far.  Your answer to your cousin was very vague, and you didn't say anything about confiding in your mom.  Feel free to be honest with people-that you'd rather not think about it until after your friend's wedding.  Then change the subject.  Hopefully they'll take the hint.

    You have plenty of time for you and your FI to pick the members of the WP.  Despite the pressure your family is putting on you, don't feel like you have to give them answer.  Just make sure that you're COMPLETELY set on who you're going to ask before you start asking them.  Once you ask someone to be in your party, you can't take it back. 

    It sounds like you're doing a great job handing this so far!  Wedding planning can be stressful, but it's also a lot of fun!  Best of luck to you!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2013
    Ditto WittyKitty. Just tell people you are enjoying your engagement and haven't started planning yet, and don't share anything with anybody that you wouldn't want to get out. Change the subject when people bring it up. "Oh, we haven't thought about that yet. Have you seen any good movies lately?" 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_why-is-there-an-urgency-to-pick-out-my-bridal-party-already-how-do-i-stop-family-from-overstepping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d63925c3-85c2-4d4b-82ef-2dc0a7c1a319Post:6225cc57-ccef-4ec0-aadb-c0d3a7c6cb6a">Why is there an urgency to pick out my bridal party already? How do I stop family from overstepping?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I fear I am on the verge of a melt down and I have only been engaged for two weeks! I have been consistently hounded about who's going to be in the wedding party.  How many people are going to stand up at the alter with us.  What the color & style the gowns are going to be.  What gifts am I planning on giving my maids...etc... And then the line got really crossed...but let me give you a little back story first... My FI and I are planning our wedding for June 2014.  In fact, we are in the process of making our decision between two places.  There will be a confirmed date and deposit set by the end of the month.  I have said to my family and friends (mainly family) that I'm not setting ANY details until all things are secure... Plus, I have a little more on my plate right now.  I am the MOH at one of my best and dearest friend's wedding that is taking place this August.  It's more important to me right now to be as on top of my game for her.  I cannot possibly juggle two weddings at once.  It's not fair for either of us.     Of course, I pretty much already know who I'm going to ask to be a BM.  It's just not the right time yet.  In confidence, I discussed with my mother what I was possibly planning on doing and told her NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. <strong> I needed to cordinate with my FI and see who he was thinking of asking (that's a mess too)</strong>.  I also expressed that I wanted to do something really special and by suprise. <strong> I needed to have "talks" with them about the financial responsibility, travel, etc. to ensure I was stretching anyone's resources too far.</strong> Two days later I get a text from my cousin asking me what color the bridesmaid dresses were going to be.  A little putoff I replied that I hadn't had time to think about it yet.  The next thing she said to me was her dad told me you were going to make me a bridesmaid (her dad is my mom's brother).  I was HORRIFIED!!!  I tried to handle the situation with diplomacy.  I told her I hadn't thought about it yet.  Nor, did my FI decide if we were going to elope or go traditional.  Essentially, I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up yet. Ever since then I have been SOOO mad at my mom!  She admitted to telling my uncle!  Her defense was that my cousin probably 'assumed' she would be in it anyway.  How could she go behind my back and tell people all the details that I'm still trying to figure out.  Then it happed again today from another family member.  What's with the urgency to pick our party. Why can't all of this bridal party stuff just wait until after August?  It's still 10 months notice!!!   I just have no idea what to do or how to handle this.
    Posted by pandalovey[/QUOTE]

    Sorry you your Mom spilled the beans. You have definitely been doing the right thing with giving noncommital answers so far, and I would start taking that approach with your mom as well.

    Keep in mind that some people are just trying to make conversation. They hear you are engaged and assume you are super excited to talk about it, so they ask you questions about colors and BMs to oblige. While it seems your family is putting pressure on you, try to separate that pressure from genuine curiosity or small talk.

    As for the bolded, why do you need to coordinate with your FI before you know who you want to ask?

    Also, is it a destination wedding? Warning them about travel expenses would be a good idea, but you really should ask the BMs individually for a dress budget and choose dresses accordingly.
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  • This is a good small intro to what you will encounter as you plan:  weddings turn people into crazypeople.

    Perfectly normal and courteous family members will suddenly develop drama llama-itis, swoon, tantrum, gossip, and generally behave like 4 year olds.

    I can't explain why it happens, just that it does.

    Shore up your losses now, and learn the curve before it gets too steep.  Keep your planning mostly to yourself and your FI.  If you want to let your family feel included, share small benign details that can't be turned into the next Hamlet.  "Which napkins do you like?"  has a hard time turning into "OMG I how could you leave out aunt gertrude from doing readings!!!!!".

    If they don't know the details, they can't blab them, or otherwise make your life complicated with them.  It sounds like you are already adept at deflecting.  Keep at it, widen the deflection scope.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • You are correct, there is no urgency!  Your mom is just excited so give her a little break but just let her know that you are overwhelmed right now would rather enjoy being engaged for now and start planning in August once you are finished with the other wedding you are involved in.  Stop sharing ideas with her until you are ready to make things happen.  I'm a June 2013 bride and I informed my bridesmaids in November and started planning full force in January (Besides the necessities--venue, save the dates and dress shopping).    Besides getting the venue so you can at least confirm the date, there is nothing else you need to do right now.   

    Congrats on your engagement!
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    Anniversary
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